you are too much woman for that sorry excuse of a man, I can only admire how you maintained your poise and didn't bring it up the emails, if only I had that kind of self control.
I wish you all the happiness in this world, you deserve it for putting up w/so much. And remember, one day everyone be standing in front of a Judge who will bring up "all things hidden" and all will be accountable for what they've done.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Wassup, Fizz? Had any more thoughts about money planning? Did I ever give you the www.moneyclubs.com site? Might inspire you. No question, lacking financial freedom adds a negative component to each sitch.
I don't think i've ever posted to you but have wanted to for a while. Just couldn't seem to find words. Don't have them today either, but wanted to let you know that I understand your pain. My sitch is a bit different but has been going on for 4 years.
I just wanted you to know that no matter what happens, you should be proud of how you have dealt with your sitch. You can hold your head up high and say you've done all you can. Maybe your M can still be saved, maybe not (I still sit on the fence about my own M too), but no one can say you gave up or handled it badly.
You have been dealing with all this crap with wonderful grace and love. None of us are perfect and at times have backslides, but you always jump back on the curb and move forward with more grace.
I commend you for your love and commitment to a man who doesn't deserve you! Hopefully he will realize it before it's too late.
Good luck and much love to you and your family...
JL
Life is not measured in the breaths we take, but in the moments that take our breath away...
This is so weird, I can't reply/post anywhere except to this 2nd page of the thread. I only have a minute this afternoon, have to go pick up S14, but will post tomorrow. I sure need prayers, tomorrow is the damnable all staff meeting, where a month ago I knew they were back together by monsterw---e's actions towards H. I'm still traumatized by it. And of course i have to get up infront of everyone.
thanks to all for your support, I need to get more time to check out threads and visit. I am so sorry to not be much help to others, I don't know what I'd have done if it wasnt for this bb. Ellie, you did ask what ideas I had for finances....hmmmmm. Does getting decked out in my hunting gear and finding me a Sugar Daddy count? ummmm, huh, no I didnt think so. Thought did occur to me, but I think they're kinda hard to find in these parts, so I guess I'm left to my own devices. Anyway, I did sign up for the emails from the site you suggested....have done the 1st step.... I am signed up for a budgeting class tomorrow nite. I think I'm gonna tell H it's "personal finance"... I did make a miniscule deposit to my miniscule personal savings account. I am trying to think of ways to make money. I hate to take on another job, as the flexibility of this one is such a help with S's "stuff"....but there must be someway. Has anyone ever sold anything on Ebay?
will post more about the weekend after staff meeting tomorrow, that is if they don't haul me off to jail for murder....basically it was long and emotional, I kept thinking I'd hit rock bottom, H made promises (gosh, seems like that has happened before)....
I can't figure out what's going on here. I cant' post except on this page, and I just posted and nothing is showing up. So, this is a test. more in morning if this goes through....
We're seeing your posts. I've been following along, unfortunately haven't had much to say. Your strength keeps me going too. Hope the meeting goes well.
update from last weekend, this may be long...sorry
I had kind of a shock. It occurred to me that maybe it IS the sex with the A. I know he's said "it isnt really", but I think it is. I'm sure I am probably boring after all these years, overweight, and I know I don't know all the tricks she does. probably not even 1/2 of them. But, anyway, I was cleaning in our bedroom (as always) sunday, pulled out the bottom drawer of his night stand, and there were porno magazines. just 3, "medium core" I would say. but I also noticed pages of #'s for phone sex torn out. Then it hit me....THAT explains the times I'd come home and the bedroom door would be locked....then it hit me more....that explains the nearly empty big bottle of lotion on his dresser (I could never figure out how the heck he used that much lotion, since I never saw him touch it, duh) then, and I hope this isnt offensive, but I looked in the basket of "toys"....um, no way to say it delicately, so I'll just say it, there is a vibrator with a different tip put on it than what's always been used on it. Now, I could understand this if we didnt have sex, but we do, several times a week. not sure what to think except I do believe it is about the sex with monster.....the "difference", the newness, the excitement. Not sure what to think about it, but I think that's part of what it is.
I've been working on pulling back, being pleasant but not as "loving"...hard, I'm so not used to that these days. Wednesday evening last week, I was on the phone w/D and H was in the basement lifting weights. I heard him pick up the phone...obviously he was checking to see if he could call monster. that set the stage for my nerves to really be riled up! Thursday eve I had to work later, called home because he'd asked me to pick him up some beer and I didnt know what he wanted. phone was busy. I went home really ticked off, he was down stairs working out. S14 said he'd been the one on the phone, talking to SIL. Later D told me that was true. calmed me down, but I was still antsy. I was just beat on Friday, and not sure how we got off on the wrong foot in the evening, but somehow we did. I was going to the grocery store, and I commented "we'll be out of your hair so you can carry on however you want to"....old Deb, that's for sure...and he kind of sighed and said "All I'm going to do is lift weights"...oh, I know what hacked me off, I asked him if he was going to be gone Sat. AM and he said he was. I was just furious. If I wasnt broke, I'd have left and not gone home. thinking of having my own affair. When I got home we snipped some more.....I went off by myself in the family room to put some drawers together, he made the comment that it wasnt the time for us to have this discussion (around S) I said "it never is, we just ignore it all and talk around it and nothing ever changes"....D and SIL came over and I didnt even talk to them, just stayed to myself I was so upset. later H came to the family room, put his arms around me and tried to kiss and make up. Usually I do, this time I rebuffed him, told him I cant live like this and I am done. that I can't live with her in our lives anymore....asked him why he went back, he said he didnt know. Then he started saying it was because he didnt end it, and he has to be the one to end it. I told him it was his choice to end it, and he waffled and said it was because of all the pressure....I told him that was rediculous and I was done unless he decided it was over for good (premature, where the hell am I gonna go with 50cents to my name?). He got pissed and left. I went upstairs, to the bedroom, he came in about 9:20, asked if I was going to bed, I said I was and we got in bed. later he initiated sex (I know, I should probably say no) and when he was holding me he said "I'll get rid of her" I told him "and resent me for the rest of your life because of it? I dont' think so" and he said "no".....sometime later in the middle of the night he initiated sex again. I woke up Saturday morning when he was ready to leave the house, and he climbed in bed with me, completely dressed, put his arms around me, and said "if you can be patient enough to wait 2 or 3 weeks I'll get all of this cleaned up and be done with it and it will be just you and me again". I was pretty calm, just said "that is what I want" and he said he knew. when he came home we napped, I tried to "entice" him, but he was too tired, said from the night before ??????. we went to church in the evening, coming home he took my hand out of the blue and squeezed it really hard and said "ILY"....I got teary, said "thanks, ILY too", and he said "You dont' have to thank me, thank you"...didnt say much else. Sat. evening the kids came over and we watched an old movie, had a young damsel in distress being charmed by a villain reciting lines from a movie (The Rocketeer) and I commented "well that's always your first clue, when you recognize the lines from the script of a movie" and H sneered and said "or off the internet". I didnt say anything. Sunday, I did ask him if he meant would he had said, and he said yes. he said that his schedule is set for this week and he will have to "work" Saturday, but he is going to have more administrative time put in for next week, and tell his supervisor working on weekends is causing family problems (no, dear, your whore is causing family problems). Kinda sounds like an excuse to me, but we will see.
Tuesday this week was all staff meeting, which is always hard for me, and last months is the one that set off all the fire and brimstone when I realized they were back together from her obscene posturing to him...so this time, in the morning as we were getting dressed for work, he commented that my hair looked nice, said my bangs looked "better than they ever have"....when he was getting ready to leave he hugged me, said ILY, and I broke down and said "well if you have any encouragement to give, I can sure use it, because I have a hard time on staff meeting days"...he said "well you look beautiful today"...I have to say I was shocked, I think that is the 1st time he's ever told me that, ever. ever. I thanked him, and said it is hard because of "that woman", that she torments me and I still havent recovered from the last one....he asked what's she done now, I told him nothing since then, but I have PTSD from it, he said "I know, but I didnt see it"...
yesterday had really "spicy" emails --meaning suggestive....
and then today.... didnt hear much from him at all except that he was having a crappy day. on supper break, I figured out that I've made a big mistake in the check book, havent told him about it....the calculator must have been off some how and I didnt catch it. then, before he went home he stopped by my office.... I asked him about a check I'd noticed he took...he said the kids have asked him to go in on a bike for my birthday. I said "so the check is for a bike?" and he said "no, it's for the phone bill"....I sighed, said "oh ick, just hearing that gives me heart palpitations" and he said well you will notice it going down now because that is done....didnt dawn on me what he was talking about....then he explained: I guess he told her no more contact ever. I havent seen any evidence other than his word. guess I should ask for more. Evidently she sent him a scathing email out of the blue this morning, calling him and SOB and a liar and all kinds of names and really pitching a fit because he worked on a Saturday (I know he did that time) with another female coworker who works in the out-of-town office. Evidently monster hacked into his email here at work and read emails about that. I wonder, though if she would have read the emails between us. I suppose those are the ones he deletes, although we had some steamy ones lately....I guess a fight raged all day....that's why I wasnt hearing much from him.
He said he had to end it on his terms in order to be over it, and not to feel so guilty, and now he has....said "I told you I would tell you when I had (yes, he did) and now I am".
Said he has really neat kids and she is so demanding for hers and discounting of his...yes, I'm sure, and that he loves his family and his home and the thought of leaving breaks his heart. That he thinks getting older is bothering him a lot, and that he just needs to accept it and enjoy the life we have. and that is what he intends to do. Said how she always whines and guilts him into coming back, and this time he wants it to be done, wants to be away from her. said she has been stopping by his office to visit-I thought so...I'm in so much shock right now I can't remember what all else he did say. so.....we shall see. I'm just numb. and overwhelmed. Pray for me. I really do think a lot of this started when D left for college. 6 years ago now. that's when he got really depressed and despondent.
I so wish this would be it. I told him it gets worse and worse everytime it happens again, and I just can't go through it anymore. He said he knows that, it's why I havent been able to sleep and he's sorry and maybe I will be able to sleep tonight.
I certainly hope so. and that I can figure out what to do about the damn checkbook.
Oh God, to have the damned affair finally over for good.
last night when I got home, I got more info...more than I want, actually. I actually went home about 1/2 hour later than H expected, making an effort to not "jump into it" over enthusiastically as I have before when there was a "breakup"...when he commented, I just said "I didnt think I'd ever get finished at work". He went up to bed right at 10, I didnt rush up then either, I waited about an hour. When I went up, he complained that he'd been waiting for me to get there so I could snuggle up to him so he could go to sleep. THEN, instead of going to sleep, he started talking. about the "re-start" of his soap opera mess. lets see, he met her for coffee somewhere at mcdonalds in January...she commented "so what are we doing, I don't want to get back into the A"...started in on that stuff, and he took his coffee and walked out. He called her on his b-day, 3/4, and was hurt that she claimed to not remember it was....in April, she showed up at his out-of-town office asking him to go to lunch...on a day when the female co-worker who hated her and kept H on semi-straight and narrow was gone-As "friends", he thought "ok" and went....they talked about not trusting each other....and of course it was down hill from there. he said "you're right, I can't be friends with her"...duh.
said he prayed the whole time he went for a walk wednesday night, that God would show him the way to go. That he was thinking how much he loves the walking route and the butterflies and birds, how he always feels so peaceful thre, and how if he went with her he would never walk there again; how neat his own kids are (duh)and how he loves his family and life...and then he asked God to show him "a way out"----then her ranting email showed up Thursday morning (as luck would have it, I had sent him a teasing and flirty one when I first got to work), and his thought was "well here it is"...evidently though they fought over email all day. Said her former live-in had lived with her for a year, and that made it easier to get away, it had taken him so long because he wasnt with her so much. How he drives by houses on the way to work of guys he knows she's been with and thinks to himself "how many is this in about a 2 block area in how few years, and how many more are there I don't know about, and what's wrong with this picture D-boy (his term for himself)." He did say that I've predicted exactly what she would do from my experiences in Jr. Hi and that it infuriated her. haha. Said she always makes demands for her daughter...not sure what that means....I'm thinking, from things he's said before, that she guilts him with how badly she needs a man in her life....What about our own S???? I did tell him I always thought it was sad that S gets the short end of the stick because of the wh--e, and that he would have gotten an even shorter one if H had ended up with her, she would have seen to it with no twinge of scruples, and H agreed.
He said over and over he is done, he doesnt want to be in her soap opera (he had a dream about this a week ago...that he was in some weird soap opera....and kept saying but I don't want to be in a soap opera"...and somehow "guiding light" kept flashing across a screen in his dream) I told him maybe his dream had been a message...he agreed maybe his subconcious was guiding him. He said she was making him mean and sick again. He doesnt want that, that he believes she's "been nice now, because she doesnt have me....it would be hell if I was there because she would have me, and I'd have no way out"....said how he sees that she cuts him off from other friends and family (yep, but I could have never told him) SWEARS he is done, and is unemotional about it THIS time, which he has never been before. I have told him IT MUST BE, I can't go on like this, it is too harmful to me and to S...says he knows that and is sorry, that he's been such a "stupid old fool".....
So, we shall see. I am watching, and waiting, and I am still focused on doing what I need to do to be ready to go...If I stay focused on that, I figure in a year at most I can be "set"....maybe 6 months.
