Hi everyone! It's been a long time since I've posted. My brief history is that the bomb happened 4 yrs. ago. We have a 5 yr. old and a 7 yr. old.
STBXH had an affair, moved out/moved back, etc... the past 2 yrs. he has officially had his own apt. We have a legal SA. His affair ended but for the past 8 months he has been dating someone. I have just recently found this out.
We remain friends for the kids sake. A few days ago though, STBXH blew it. He was suppose to bring the kids to a party, he wouldn't answer his phone, I found out he brought the kids around GF after we had decided to only do that if we had discussed it first. To give us the heads up before the kids start talking about it. He is always late and feels intitled to do whatever he wants. He is financially responsible so therefore, he acts as if I owe him something.
Anyway, I emailed him and told him I was sick of the dishonesty and lack of respect. I think we should contact each other via email only. We should stick to whatever child care plan we have on a weekly basis, NO exceptions.
Well, he didn't like that idea because he likes to go on last minute auditions. He wants to become a famous movie star!! His GF is a fellow actor of course who is also seperated from her husband.
Anyway, I have had enough. I really don't want anything to do with him. He wants to remain friends so he can ask me to watch the kids. Honestly though, I am still hurt that he can have a girlfriend and not have wanted to work on our marriage. It's the ultimate rejection. I know you all know exactly what I am feeling.
The way STBXH is with me: not trustworthy, dishonest, very private, spending time together was never a priority with him, etc... so NO he is not the kind of person you would want in your life but for the kids sake it is still very hard for me to not feel like things could have worked out if he had only wanted it too.
So, sorry for the length of this but what I am wanting to know is how should I proceed with my interactions with him? I want to "go dark" but not in a bitchy way, unless you think I should. I feel like for my own sanity I want as little to do with him as possible. He always lies, I am so tired of that and do not want to give him the opportunity to lie to me anymore or be dishonest anymore.
Didn't realise you were in this forum too - I just saw your post in Surviving the D.
As you know, I think your H is a good candidate for NPD, and they recommend NO CONTACT (beyond what is needed for co parenting) as otherwise you will be manipulated in every which way. You needed to visit some sites and read up about setting and maintaining boundaries.
Look at his site, it has tons of ino and links down the left hand side -
I agree with distancing myself. STBXH is being all nice to me now. I am being cordial but not friendly. I think the less personal I am with him the better.
I decided to post this on piecing since there is probably more traffic and chances are some people that are piecing may have dealt with going dark and it was helpful.
I "recently" went Dark with my WAW but more as a result of me giving up on our marriage...
I went dark barely talked with her was very short and curt when exchanging kids and planing schedules
For the first while my "Ex" was fine with it but then I stopped and talked breifly about something else and after almost 2 months of Darkness... something "broke"
However it did have the negative reaction of leading her to start a relationship with a new man (I'm hurting over that one)
I think I missed the boat there... by beeing a little to cold and distant while she was telling me how she was feeling and her reaction opened up the old wounds and feelings in me I had closed of and was healing...
But it has brought us much closer together then we were before...
So in my case it worked and it opened a dialog between us that "might" and I mean that in the most miniscule way "might" lead back to something between us.
Thanks for your insight. I too am going dark for the "self preservation" of me. It really hurts when the person you once loved starts seeing someone else. My STXH is dating someone too. I wish he would have put his time and energy into our M, instead of someone new.
The more you try to "hold on" to someone the more they want to get away. So I think the fact that your "ex" is seeing someone now, is not any fault of yours. If they are going to see someone else, I think they would have no matter what you or I did.
By you, distancing yourself from her, she can appreciate what she is missing. So, I think you did the right thing no matter what the outcome.
My STXH never liked being questioned about anything, even the most innocent question you would ask a friend, so I am definately giving him that. I have been a little nicer but I don't discuss anything about my personal life unless he asks and then I still try to be alittle short which is hard for me. I tend to be very wordy, if you haven't noticed. LOL!
Good luck! Let me know how things work out for you!
nikatnight
PS I woke up this morning praying that God would take away my feelings for my STBXH, if my STBXH will never be the husband he should be. I pray that for all of us that we are able to move forward if/when we need to.
