I wanted to share with the group a fable I had come across in doing some research that is specific to my sitch (I don't have a link to all my posts, but for those who don't know....my W had an EA with someone she worked with, as far as I know, it ended after several months, but she also suffers from Anorexia/Bulimia which basically prevents her from being capable of creating any closeness between herself and the ones she loves....) In any event, I found particularly touching and also a bit instructive (as all good fables are) in teaching us that at some point we all must learn to "to let go" and let the other person be responsible for their own actions. I don't think that necessarily means ending the relationship or filing for D, but I think it illustrates the point that OT always drills into our head that we cannot be in the R anymore than the other person is.....
The Bridge -A Metaphor
There was a man who had given much thought to what he wanted from life. He had experienced many moods and trials. He had experimented with different ways of living, and he had had his share of both success and failure. At last, he had begun to see clearly where he wanted to go.
Diligently, he searched for the right opportunity. Sometimes he came close, only to be pushed away. Often the applied all of his strength and imagination, only to find the path hopelessly blocked. And then at last it came! But the opportunity would not wait. It would be made available only for a short time. If it were seen that he was not committed, the opportunity would not come again.
Eager to arrive, he started on his journey. With each step, he wanted to move faster; with each thought about his goal, his heart beat quicker; with each vision of what lay ahead, he found renewed vigor. Strength that had left it since his early youth returned, and desires, all kinds of desires, reawakened from their long-dormant positions.
Hurrying along, he came upon a bridge that crossed through the middle of a town. It had been built high above a river in order to protect it from the floods of spring.
He started across. Then he noticed someone coming from the opposite direction. As they moved closer, it seemed as though the other was coming to greet him. He could clearly see, however, that he did not know this other, who was dressed similarly except for something tied around his waist.
When they were within hailing distance, he could see that what the other had about his waist was a rope. It was wrapped around him many times and probably, if extended, would reach a length of 30 feet.
The other began to uncurl the rope, and, just as they were coming close, the stranger said, "Pardon me, would you be so kind as to hold the end a moment?"
Surprised by this politely phrased but curious request, he agreed without a thought, reached out, and took it.
"Thank you," said the other, who then added, "two hands now, and remember, hold tight." Whereupon, the other jumped off the bridge.
Quickly, the free-falling body hurtled the distance of the rope's length, and from the bridge, the man abruptly felt the pull. Instinctively, he held tight and was almost dragged over the side. He managed to brace himself against the edge, however, and after having caught his breath looked down at the other dangling, close to oblivion.
"What are you trying to do?" he yelled. "Just hold tight," said the other "This is ridiculous," the man thought and began trying to haul the other in. He could not get the leverage, however. It was as though the weight of the other person and the length of the rope had been carefully calculated in advance so that together they created a counterweight just beyond his strength to bring the other back to safety.
"Why did you do this?" the man called out. "Remember," said the other, "if you let go, I will be lost." "But I cannot pull you up," the man cried. "I am your responsibility," said the other. "Well, I did not ask for it," the man said. "If you let go, I am lost," repeated the other.
He began to look around for help. But there was no one. How long would he have to wait? Why did this happen to befall him now, just as he was on the verge of true success? He examined the side, searching for a place to tie the rope. Some protrusion, perhaps, or maybe a hole in the boards. But the railing was unusually uniform in shape; there were no spaces between the boards. There was no way to get rid of this newfound burden, even temporarily.
What do you want?" he asked the other hanging below. "Just your help," the other answered. "How can I help? I cannot pull you in, and there is no place to tie the rope so that I can go and find someone to help me help you." "I know that. Just hang on; that will be enough. Tie the rope around your waist; it will be easier."
Fearing that his arms could not hold out much longer, he tied the rope around his waist. "Why did you do this?" he asked again. "Don't you see what you have done? What possible purpose could you have in mind?" "Just remember," said the other, "my life is in your hands."
What should he do? "If I let go, all my life I will know that I let this other die. If I stay, I risk losing my momentum toward my own long-sought-after salvation. Either way, this will haunt me forever." With ironic humor he thought to die himself, instantly, to jump off the bridge while he was still holding on. "That would teach this fool." But he wanted to live and live fully. "What a choice I have to make; How shall I ever decide?"
As time went by, still no one came. The critical moment of decision was drawing near. To show his commitment to his own goals, he would have to continue on his journey now. It was already almost too late to arrive in time. But what a terrible choice to have to make!
A new thought occurred to him. While he could not pull this other up solely by his own efforts, if the other would shorten the rope from his end by curling it around his waist again and again, together, they could do it! Actually, the other could do it by himself, so long as he, standing on the bridge, kept it still and steady.
"Now listen," he shouted down. "I think I know how to save you." And he explained his plan. But the other wasn't interested. "You mean you won't help? But I told you I cannot pull you up myself, and I don't think I can hang on much longer either." "You must try," the other shouted back in tears. "If you fail, I die!"
The point of decision had arrived. What should he do? "My life or this other's?" And then a new idea. A revelation. So new, in fact, it seemed heretical, so alien was it to his traditional way of thinking.
"I want you to listen carefully," he said, "because I mean what I am about to say. I will not accept the position of choice for your life, only for my own; the position of choice for your own life I hereby give back to you."
"What do you mean?" the other asked, afraid. "I mean, simply, it's up to you. You decide which way this ends. I will become the counterweight. You do the pulling and bring yourself up. I will even tug a little from here." He began unwinding the rope from around his waist and braced himself anew against the side.
"You cannot mean what you say!" the other shrieked. "You would not be so selfish. I am your responsibility. What could be so important that you would let someone die? Do not do this to me!"
He waited a moment. There was not change in the tension of the rope.
"I accept your choice," he said, at last, and freed his hands.
- Edwin H. Friedman From the book "Friedman's Fables" - reprinted with permission
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
It occurs to me today that I must have been in a dark mood yesterday in posting this....but I guess I'm at that point in my own sitch where this is competely appropriate. At some point, we all must take responsiblity for our actions or lack thereof. I'm at a point where I just don't know what to do....my W needs help, needs to find her way back to our M, but doesn't want to take any action to achieve that. In the meantime, I find myself trying to prop up the R and when I pull back even in the slightest, I'm berated for doing so. I understand the principles of detachment and not being in an R anymore than the other person is, but somehow I haven't been able to acheive that. Sure I have detached to a great degree and I typically don't let her moods (of which there are many) affect me, but I'm worn down from trying to understand what is right and what I need to do to find myself. I have GAL as much as I possibly can, but its hard when the other person doesn't pick up the slack where you leave off. I can't explain it, I just know that right now, my R is toxic to me and I must find a way to get back to myself.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
It sure looks like you've come to the proverbial fork in the road. So without assuming I know what you really want, I'd like to throw an idea out here before anyone asks you if you're ready to throw in the towel. IMHO, you're not quite ready for that, so why not improvise and change what's in your heart and see if anything makes a difference?
Quote: find myself trying to prop up the R and when I pull back even in the slightest, I'm berated for doing so.
Perhaps it's not the fact that you're pulling back but how you're pulling back. IOW, maybe the mechanism you've employed in doing this does harm to your R rather than do you good?
Can you elaborate an example and the way you feel berated?
Quote: I have GAL as much as I possibly can, but its hard when the other person doesn't pick up the slack where you leave off.
The second part of this sentence tells me that you have some major league expectations here in this equation. Is this close to being accurate? Perhaps you feel as though your GAL efforts should bring forth a positive response from her?
I'd love to beam you over some of the wisdom I gained along the way. Since I can't infuse you with that wisdom, you're just going to have to settle for some words.
I don't believe things are over for you. Far from it. However, if I had anything definite to say to anyone or everyone here, it would be that expectations will surely sound the death knell of any marriage. I'm not just applying this to our obviously unhealthy marriages, but even ones where things are more functional.
Expectations are unfair, unverbalized tests we set to trap others--because we are (for whatever reason) not willing to let them be known. Women are very intuitive creatures, and I can tell you from experience that being in an R where there are obvious expectations that I cannot fulfill is the beginning of the end for me.
I'm not talking about socially acceptable expectations like fidelity, honesty and truth, but ones where there are customs, belief systems and mores that get in the way.
Detaching is a very difficult concept to grasp. It sounds unkind and unloving, but if the concept is grasped properly, it is anything but. You're basically untangling yourself from a R with unhealthy tentacles (and sometimes it's difficult to see where one person ends and another begins) and becoming your own person IN a R and allowing her to be the same. You're 2 whole spiritual beings who choose to be in an intimate R--not one being with an inability to decipher who's who and who's needs are what. It's a way of allowing her to come to the R willingly and with her own talents and accepting them for what they are--and the reciprocal of that should also be true (if the R is going to be healthy). I typically avoid using the word "should".
Anyway, can you let go of the rope further? See yourselves as good friends and roommates right now and see what effort she's willing to put forth to save the intimate part of your R? Continue those GAL efforts--not for the purpose of getting her to notice you--but for the sole purpose that you are fulfilled by doing them. If the purpose is merely for a distraction from your home life, that's fine too. But do them just because--and stop trying to tie an outcome or an expectation to those efforts.
Right now, saving the intimate part of your R should be on a back burner. You're trying to salvage the friendship. I am a firm believer of protecting the friendship--it's the cement that glues Rs and it should be the ultimate priority when things go amok.
If this were any other friend, what advice would you give to them if they were you? List them out and let's see what you come up with...
Lastly...
Quote: I just know that right now, my R is toxic to me and I must find a way to get back to myself.
You said it best! I don't think it's toxic per se, but you have expectations here that are preventing you from seeing any progress. I know it might be small and baby steps, but how will you know unless you drop the rope?
Good luck and hugs,
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Hi UD and thanks for stopping by...you always seem to provide some very valuable insight and once agian, you haven't let me down.
Quote: IMHO, you're not quite ready for that, so why not improvise and change what's in your heart and see if anything makes a difference?
In my own opinion, I guess I'm really not ready for it either because if I truly were, then I wouldn't be agonizing over the decision as much as I have....it just feels like we've both come to a point where we can no longer see eye to eye, unless I'm willing to come around to her point of view. To be fair, maybe I haven't been patient enough in these past few weeks....but then again, how must patience should one have?
I think maybe you've hit on something here on trying something different and maybe I need to give that more thought instead of the old black or white thinking.
Quote: Perhaps it's not the fact that you're pulling back but how you're pulling back. IOW, maybe the mechanism you've employed in doing this does harm to your R rather than do you good?
Can you elaborate an example and the way you feel berated?
I guess one of the better examples I can give is that over the past several months, I have taken on a lot of other duties with regard to housekeeping and child rearing in an effort to give her time to rest (she works nights) and also, because my girls have sensed that mommy isn't exactly there like she used to be and I am attempting to fill that void. Lately, I've been letting some of that slip in an effort to do something for myself (prime example, I can't remember the last time I read a book for pleasure and not self-help). For this, I get it from both ends....she will complain that she has to do "everything" (mind you, I haven't stopped doing everything and still do a good amount) and when I am reading, she'll make comments about how I'm being distant. I explain to her that I'm not trying to be distant, that I am there, but unfortunately it usually ends up in an argument.
Quote: Perhaps you feel as though your GAL efforts should bring forth a positive response from her?
Not so much of an expectation here...I don't truly expect any positive response in this regard from her. The expectation that I do have is that she will take responsibility for doing for herself and our children on an equal footing basis. Over the past several months, her GAL or what have you has been all about her and her ability to get away from everything while my GAL efforts have been geared more towards things that bring me closer to my girls, as well as some independent GAL efforts (joining a gym, reading for pleasure).
I guess part of the thing that bothers me the most is the shell that she has contstructed around herself with regard to everyone....her family, our girls, me, friends, etc. Basically, her life has been reduced to laying in the sun during the day while the girls are at camp, tattoos when she can get them, and working...sometimes to the extreme. As my T put it, she seems to be regressing to her teenage years and, for all intents and purposes, she acts like a spoiled teenage on many days. In the meantime, her relationship with our daughters has been detoriating (as noted by my 10 year old to her grandmother), she doesn't want anything to do with her family, and she is unwilling to try and make a difference in the R, even though she has expressed, on numerous occassions, that she wants to. Again, part of the problem here is that she is completely "numb and hollow" (her words) and doesn't feel any sense of self-worth. Sadly, in her condition, she doesn't feel that she is worthy of love and respect and can't understand why those who love her actually give a sh*t. As much as I am frustrated with her attitude towards our relationship, I am equally frightened about her impact on our children's lives.
Sorry, I started rambling here....and I wanted to stick to the point.
Quote: Anyway, can you let go of the rope further? See yourselves as good friends and roommates right now and see what effort she's willing to put forth to save the intimate part of your R? Continue those GAL efforts--not for the purpose of getting her to notice you--but for the sole purpose that you are fulfilled by doing them. If the purpose is merely for a distraction from your home life, that's fine too. But do them just because--and stop trying to tie an outcome or an expectation to those efforts.
Again, I would reiterate that my GAL efforts haven't been geared to get her to notice me....they really are more self-fulfilling than anything else. So I don't believe that's a problem in and of itself. Now, as for letting go of the rope a little further, I suppose I should evaluate that just a bit more but then again, in thinking through some of this stuff it occurs to me that my W hasn't really let go of the rope in regard to our R and perhaps this is the crux of the problem. I believe she still sees herself in an "intimate" R with me and all that goes with that. She still sees herself as part of our old M and despite the fact that she has changed, she hasn't changed her perspective in how our R should operate. I really feel like I'm rambling once again, so sorry UD, because I understand and believe in everything you have said. Yes, I do want to let go of the rope a little bit further and try to live merely as roomates. Heck, I've even told her that whatever she needs to do with her life, she has to do and that I would help and support her in any way that I could through that. I'm not trying to hold her back and would encourage her to find a way to live a happy, fulfilling life. The only problem is she has no idea what that means. In the meantime, she still maintains the "old gaurd" control over many aspects of our R.
In the end, yes, the one expectation I have is that she would want to be find a way to be happy. She has told me that she wants to be happy in this R, but yet will not take a step forward to find that happiness. I just want change, movement, anything.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
Okay, it still occurs to me that in reading my last post that I'm babbling on and I guess its merely a reflection of my thoughts at this point. The point is, I want to detach, I want to GAL as much as possible, I want all of these things. In the meantime, I want my W to find happiness, to get the help that she needs (which is critical in some respects). She has told me many times that she wants this life and she wants to find the happiness that we used to have, but her actions in no way come close to resembling her words. This is major for me. If I could see some sign that she is willing to help herself, I would be willing to throw myself into 110% and I guess this is my biggest problem....where I have the most self-doubt because I keep looking for signs that she is trying and either I'm too blind to see them or they are just not there. And this is what I'm struggling with. Over the past several months, things have not changed much with regard to her actions....as far as I know, the A is over, but I don't doubt that some of those feelings linger. She has told me she doesn't want a life with him and that she wants our life, with me and our girls. Okay. I accept that. In the meantime she is hollow, emotionless, distant, moody and bitter. Much of what she is feeling is, I beleive, is attributable to her ED and the general malaise regarding life that it brings along with it. And the longer it continues, the worse she becomes. I guess its like having a WAS on emotional steroids because everything that a WAS feels (guilt, anger, hopelessness) is magnified 10x for her. In turn, I have no idea how to act because if I create any distance, its automatically viewed as a manipulative ploy on my part, or a reaffirmation of her own feelings of no self-worth (I mustn't be worth the effort because I don't deserve it). If i cling to close, I'm overbearing and controlling. This is my dilemma.
Imagine living with Eeyore from Pooh.......lol
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
As usual, minus the ED stuff (maybe, my W has eating issues too, but I don't THINK they are of the "disorder" level) your sitch almost exactly mirrors my own. I am in the EXACT same place and am plagued by the exact same things. I have expectations (thanks UD for reminding me how bad those are) and my W does the same damn thing in regard to ANYTHING I do that seems to be pulling back. She immediately calls me on it, acting as if it's some kind of attempt to manipulate the situation. The sad part is that she's usually right.
I am really going to listen to UD because I really think that patience and a general lack of expectations would go a LONG way in allowing my W the time and space to make her full return to our R. I think when I say our sitches are exact, I am exaggerating a bit because I do feel my W is willing to do SOME things to be more happy but in general, I think she is still caught up in that idea that being with OM simply made her happy and being with me does not. She still doesn't get that SHE can have a lot to do with that by choosing to be happy and then trying to make our situation contribute to that happiness instead of relying on some R to do everything for her.
Rob, I hate to see you back here with a lot of the same problems I have but you know what? That just means that it's part of the process because you are NOT me, and your W is not mine, and our sitches are NOT the same, yet they are SO similar. There must be some universals to be found in all this, and I think UD managed to outline a few of them for us.
I think it's really up to US (still, sadly) to recognize that this is a long-haul thing, not a "one week to save your marriage" (BTW, is that on yet? Anyone seen it?) kind of thing.
Rob, you have come so far, don't let your brain start to make your heart seem wrong. You know you want love to prevail and your continued perseverance is evidence of that.
I'm glad you clarified things--they make better sense to me now, and I have a more clear picture of how things are for you at the moment.
One thing I'd like to preface before heading down a path is the fact that you are in a position to DB her while she's still living at home. I'm not calling you lucky or unlucky--because both scenarios have their pros and cons--but just want to point out that it's going to have some tough issues because you're stuck in a sitch where she's adding to your pile of resentments.
And I hear you loud and clear, brother.
My sitch was different, because I had to DB while Mr. Wonderful was living in an apartment. While it made it tough, and he indicated that he physically had at least one foot out the door, I had a break from his selfishness and "all about him" attitude. So please know I know it's there--I just didn't have to live and breathe it like you do.
So, given the fact that she's residing there and taking full advantage of you, let's see if we can't refine some of these points and apply them directly to you.
It's going to be tricky, because you're going to have to keep score without keeping score and really work hard at keeping those resentments at bay. I really would have a difficult time maneuvering her selfish behaviors too, so please know none of this is intended as a slam to you.
I know you have some questions and decisions for her down the road... and you're going to be entitled to ask them. But how about we ease you into those gradually, and let some actions do some major league speaking for you?
First of all, a paradigm shift might be in order. WHAT IF you were to see her MLC behaviors as an illness? (And actually, depression IS an illness and can be every bit as incapacitating as cancer, only most people are willing to stick by a cancer patient more easily than a depressed person.)
If you were to see her as ill and needing you to be the strong parent and spouse for awhile, would it give you an added incentive for more patience? I'm not saying that you need to give her an indefinite amount of time to figure this stuff out, but just some time for you both to see how things settle once the dust has cleared.
When she complains about having to be a parent or to assume responsibilities around the house, I might be inclined to use that opportunity to ask for more specific feedback? Ask her specifically why she's so unhappy, and you don the hat of solution detective to dig a little deeper rather than accept her words at face value.
I realize since you're doing the lion's share of the work and you continue to hear resentment pouring out of her mouth that it doesn't give you warm and fuzzies. But try to use your GAL activities as the means to keep that resentment at bay...
Perhaps if she accuses you of being selfish by doing XXX, say to her, "W, I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed by some of the duties I've picked up lately. I'm more than willing to do more so that you can find some time for yourself, so can we talk about why you feel I shouldn't be doing things for myself too?"
Just maybe if you were to really work on your communications with her she might see how her actions are affecting you?
What do you think?
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
LOL GH, I think I wouuld be happy if your W xxx you too!
UD and GH, both, thank you so much. I know its a long road for all of us and one of the things I love about this board is that it provides us the opportunity to share these insights with one another.
I've spent the last few hours just doing some real soul-searching and trying to establish what it is that I need or want to do. Do I want my M to end? No, I want a happy, healthy R, just like the rest of us do. How do I achieve that in the face of piling resentments? I really don't know although both of you have provided some very valuable insight.
Quote: WHAT IF you were to see her MLC behaviors as an illness? (And actually, depression IS an illness and can be every bit as incapacitating as cancer, only most people are willing to stick by a cancer patient more easily than a depressed person.)
The question you pose here is less hypothetical and more practical. The fact is, she has a chronic illness; Anorexia/Bulimia, which has severe mental and physical attributes in and of themselves. Partly, she is unable to deal with her emotions and feelings other than by focusing on the one aspect of her life that she feels she can control: food. In reviewing a "checklist" as it were, of characteristics that typical ED sufferers display, she scores very high on that list. So yes, she is ill and no one wants to be perceived as abandoning an ill person. Plus, I want to help her....somewhere in that 98lb frame is the wife that I once knew, the wife that every once in a while shows herself. Yet,the difference between a cancer patient and an ED sufferer is that the cancer patient would likely seek treatment for their ailments, with full support of the S, whilst an ED sufferer is likely not willing to seek treatment, which leaves the spouse holding the rope of responsibility. One of the most hurtful things I think I heard my W say the other day was that she doesn't see how her "problem" is anyone elses concern and how she doesn't see what the effect is on our relationship. Well, lets see....if your numb and hollow emotionally, what does that leave for you to give back to the people who love you? What she does to her body is her choice. Damned be interpersonal relationships. She has effectively walled herself off from everyone important to her.
Okay, so lets ignore that for the moment and focus more on the control issue. As we know, ED sufferers have a need to control their surroundings to a great degree...whether its from a low self-esteem, self-worth or what have you. This is where I get into most trouble right now, becuase believe me....more than anything I just want to live a normal life.
A prime example of how frustrating this can be is what happened this past weekend. Over the past few months, my W has been working a great deal of overtime at work...purpotedly because we needed the money to do the fun things we had planned this summer (camping, trip to NYC, beach vacation, etc.) Okay, I had a hard time accepting that, but I can see her side of it. Our beach vacation is schduled in three weeks. Last weekend, we had planned to attend a concert in Pittsburgh with my Sister-in-Law. This excursion was already in the works, tickets paid for and everything. The plan was to travel to her parents house on Sautrday, leaves the girls there and attend the concert on Sunday. Last week, leading up to this, my W is very agitated and moody....turns out, she doesn't want to go to her parents house. Why? Because she doesn't want them lecturing her on her problem. So what do I do....of course I take the girls and go anyway, with an extra ticket. I offer the extra ticket to my brother-in-law, who decides to go. Making the best of the weekend, right? He doesn't offer to pay for the ticket and truthfully, I don't care. I help pay for gas, beer and parking on the Sunday excursion a total of about $50, plus travel expenses to and from my in-laws house. My W has a fit about the cost, the fact that her brother didn't pay for the ticket, etc. Gives me the guilty treatment for spending money because the beach vacation is in three weeks.
Fast forward to this week. Yesterday she announces she wants to get another tattoo (sixth one in a year) at a cost of about $100. Now, I'm not against tattoos in general (I have two myself) but in some strange way for her its a sufperficial way to make herself feel "good" about herself and, well, I just caught holy for spending $50.
The long and short of it, I asked her as much....do we have the money for you to do that now? Immediately she became defensive, accused me of trying to control her, etc...WTF!!?
So, that's a long story to illustrate my point. I feel that while my communication skills can be lacking, I do try and be less judgemental and more specific. Problem is, many times her feelings aren't very specific and, if they are, she can't explain them to me. In many ways, i feel that the only communication style acceptable to my W is for me to keep my trap shout about anything at all.
Okay, sorry....this is a rant of a major order and I'll try to react constructively to your insights. Maybe you're right....I've been evaluating my communication style to determine whether I can shift the paradigm just a bit and maybe there is room for improvement here. That and more patience. The other thing I've been racking my brain about today is to find some ways to provide positive reinforcement (although I'm having a real hard time doing that right now), but I've also been trying to look at it from a different perspective (namely, hers) to see if there are things that she IS doing that I'm missing.
Thank you for the opportunity to rant and for helping me shift the perspective a bit.....I really need to focus on that and see what it is that I can do.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
Quote: Rob, you have come so far, don't let your brain start to make your heart seem wrong. You know you want love to prevail and your continued perseverance is evidence of that.
Amen brother, but I have the nagging feeling that letting go is sometimes the best thing we can do for the ones we love. I've been fighting this new feeling for some time now and that's what scares me....it doesn't help when I feel that in some way, I'm holding her back from happiness.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
Betsey 
for spending $50.