Back together and piecing

[EvolvingMe]

Hi,

I finally decided to move here from Newcomers.

Old thread:

Need advice and opinions-part 3

Short recap of my sitch:
Me 42
W 37
M 8 years
StepS 15
D 5
Bomb 2/19/06 (Discovered PA w/Om, ILY but I can't live w/you)
I moved out 2/23/06
End of May: W told me she wants to work it out.
Moved back together into new house 7/15/06

So far everything is as expected. I'm happy b/c I have my W and my D5 around. W is stressed b/c of new job, moving, and she finally realized what happened, in the process of selling our home. She admitted that she played a big role in having to sell our house.

We already had a couple of arguments, W stating 'this is not going to work' which scared the hell out of me. But then ok again the next day. I have some major trust issues. A couple of nights W stayed up late, back on the internet, ignoring me. Same behavior as when she met Om. I was very unhappy about it and mentioned it to her the second time. She might have understood.

Since I don't want her to know about this BB I can't post from home so my time here is very limited.

Anyway, this morning I just couldn't stand it, she was rather distant lately, perhaps b/c her 6 month anniv. w/meeting Om is coming up Friday. So I took her hands, looked at her and said ILY. She gave me a big hug and replied ILY too.

Life is good.

EvolvingMe

[cat03]

hey there, welcome. First of all , lower your expectations from her, not your hope, but the instant "all is well" ideal we have when we come back w/our Ss.

Yes, I also have major trust issues and still, to my shame, check on stuff now and then to make sure my H hasn't contact the FF he had an EA with.
It is a leap of faith, but we both have to let go of our fear, fear will doom us, l am currently trying to change my train of thought, from scenarios of me meeting OW, to what I'd do if I would've found them together, yada yada. Instead I'm trying to think of positive aspects, how can I make our home more inviting to him, how can I act as the person I've learned to be and not to fall back into old bad habits.

Well, the good news is that our spouses are back with us, the hard work continues, let's not fall into the old routine again huh?

[JohnS58]

Hi Evolving Me - It is good to hear from you again. I suppose that being back together presents some difficult minefields to traverse but it is a heck of a lot better than what you were faced with just a few months ago. I know this takes time, and that the trust level cannot be restored overnight, but it appears to me like you are doing all of the right things. I wish you continued good luck and success. You really deserve it for your efforts.

[BeingMe]

Welcome to Piecing, EM!!!! Now the real work begins, for you and W! I am sure you feel a little anti-climatic about being back together now, not so? It's how I felt, and still feel sometimes.

Try keeping yourself detached, don't expect too much from her, try not to have any arguments (on the other hand, your W shouldn't expect you to walk on eggshells either, and throw the 'this isn't going to work' everytime things don't go her way), and keep working on yourself (GAL). Have you tried MC? Might be worth a try, so that you can both verbalize any issues that may be bothering you, or getting some clarity on where you both stand, in a neutral environment, in front of someone who is trained to deal with these issues.

Anyway, good luck!

[cat03]

during the first months of being together we BOTH went through those periods of "this isnt' working" and would despair, he'd be like "maybe it's better if I"m alone" and I'd be thinking "why do I want this unloving man with me?"
It's normal, sad to say, we all have our moments of weakness, don't loose hope.

[EvolvingMe]

Thanks everybody for posting. I now the hard work is just beginning. W wanted MC, so we already went a few times. In fact, we had another session yesterday.

Yesterday, what a day.... I mentioned before that like so many others I have major trust issues. I know that she had contact w/Om even after she told me it is over and while we were in C.

So the session yesterday. Somehow got to the subject of stepS15 and his rude behavior towards W. W lost it and got very angry w/me again, said she would like to punch me. C said she is projecting her frustration and anger towards me b/c I'm there. I should not take it personally. But that's difficult. Her anger towards me is one of the reasons she run away. So of course there is the fear that she might run again. I hate MLC.

Then later W told me Om's mother (!) contacted her over a week ago. Om has serious health problems, needed major surgery, might die. W is depressed, asked herself is she is guilty for that (her words: b/c she broke his heart...) Now I'm afraid she might go back to him. And I understand why she was so distant and cold towards me.

So now we have another problem W has to deal w/on her own. As if there weren't enough already.

Did I mention I really hate all this....

[JohnS58]

Hi EM - At least you are in there doing what you have to do. I don't understand why the W would blame you for the son's acting out, but a lot of MLC behavior does not make any sense from a logical standpoint.

As far as OM requiring surgery, your W breaking off the R with him had nothing to do with his health problems. For her to think so only demonstrates more warped thinking on her part. I guess I don't have to tell you that.

I don't know what to advise but it appears that your patience is being tested here. I hope you get the strength to roll with the punches and not get too down. After all she is still with you, not with that loser.
I guess it is tough to quit cold turkey on a relationship. She must have gone with the same thing with you while she was involved with him (guilt and memories bearing down on her). I know it is going to take some time for the trust to build and for her to let this guy go completely. Still, I am hoping for the best. Perhaps you guys can do out and do something special this weekend and enjoy each other's company.

What is your opinion of the MC and the advice he is giving?

[EvolvingMe]

Thanks John for following.

Brief update..

W and I just had a talk. She is still in Love w/Om, still has constant contact w/him yada yada Yesterday she said she wants a nontraditional R w/me, whatever the F*** that means. Today, I need my space but I love you and want to live w/you, it's better for the kids. I need to figure things out, can you live w/me while I do that? She still seems to be in the middle of replay.

I'm not so sure right now. She keeps lying to me. Especially about Om. I'm seriosly thinking about moving out again. I don't really know this women anymore. And this time I would probably feel a lot better about it. Perhaps it is better for her if she lives w/that loser.

I think I'm getting depressed again.

[JohnS58]

Hi EM -

This one is really tough! Your W is still confused and torn between you and the OM. It makes you wonder if she is playing a game, or if she even realizes what she is doing. It's not fair to you, and it's not fair to the OM although I don't give a rat's *ss about him, his mother, or his health. I just don't know enought about DB'ing and am not experienced enough to recommend exactly what to do. I would suggest not confronting her yet and to continue being as patient and kind as you can be. (Easy for me to say!). It appears in her confused state that she still wants to maintain a M with you and be with the kids, but is not totally willing to break off the R with OM. That is a stupid and unrealistic expectation on her part but the MLC WAS thinking is usually deluded.

I have a friend here with a long time (26 year) marriage and three wonderful kids. He went through MLC and gradually fell in love with a co-worker. His W found out about it and moved out. He insisted that they still maintain a relationship while he continued to play around with the OW. We thought for sure they were headed for divorce since this was unacceptable to his W. All of a sudden he saw the light and pulled out of it. He and his W are back together and getting along great. She just held a spectacular 60th birthday party for him a few weeks ago, and he, his W, and kids will be travelling to Spain together. I mention this because I still believe there is hope for your situation inspite of your W's current frame of mind. From what you have described of the OM, I don't see your W being able to maintain an R with him. I repeat, the guy is a loser.

[StevieRay13]

Sorry to hear things have been so difficult for you lately. When my W was seeing the OM I couldn't handle being around, was just too stressful and depressing to me. I ended up moving out. This allowed me time to think, detach without all the heavy emotions weighing me down. Not saying that's what you should do just trying to tell you how I felt in a similar sitch.

One thing you may also want to consider is how you interact with W. Maybe try to think of her a two separate people. One is a nice person that you like to be around, friendly with, etc... The other is a nasty person, that when being mean, you don't spend time with, you don't talk to, etc...