i met my wife 12 years ago. it was perfect we were best friends. we loved each other. she wanted a child but i had a 2 children from a very bad marriage that i had custody of. both of my children were used by my ex wife to try to get back at me. this abuse went on for several years and i hated the life that my children had been put through. So when my new wife wanted a child I explained all this to her. And explained how i would not put another child through what my other kids had went through. Well after a few years went by I understood what my wife needed and why she wanted a child. Our relationship had been great. We didnt do anything that didnt involve each other.My life was so great This was the happiest time of my life. In 2002 we had a beautiful daughter she means everything to me. We were so happy. Then as she got older it was hard for us to have the privacy that we had been used to, so we werent as intimate as we were. Then in the summer of 2005 I noticed that she had 59 calls in one month to a number that i reconized as a friend of mine. As was never jealous i would trust her with all my heart and I found this by checking for something else. I had never looked at any of her phone bills before. When I questioned her about this she told me it was nothing and that they were just friends. I believed her because I thought our relationship was very strong and I didnt believe she was the time person that would ever have an affair. So things went on until November 2005, on that day she had been going to the gym that another friend of mine owned. Her mother worked there and she told me she was going there to work out and visit her mother because this was the only time she got to see her. On this paticular day I went to the gym to pick her up to go somewhere with me. Upon my arrival her truck was there but she wasn,t in the gym. He also owned a tanning salon next door but it was closed. I went to leave and noticed the owners truck hid behind the building. My worst nightmare was about to begin I knocked on the front door and back door for about 15 to 20 minutes before they finally came out. My wife told me that he was just letting her tan while he worked on the dryer. I didnt beleive her but i let it go holping it would stop now. He even came to my house and told me that his marriage was strong but that my marriage must have problems if i thought they were doing something. Well i let it go hoping that maybe i was wrong and that maybe i was hust jumping to conclusions. Then in May 2006 I got a call from a another cell phone company that wanted a payment on a phone that I didnt know anything about. when i asked my wife about it she stated it was her friends that didnt want her husband to know. Then in june 2006 The friday before fathers day i heard a recording of my wife telling a guy that works for me that she loved him and calling him sweetheart. Thisn was the worst day of my life. I packed my things and left for a few hours trying to figure out what i had done or what had happened. I ended up talking to her and coming back home. and she said that she would never do this again. She admitted to having an affair with the 2 other guys. So now I know she has had an affair with 3 guys that I know of. She still claims that it was no sex involved but I don't beleive her. It has now been a little over a month and she says she is happier that she has ever been. The problem is that im not happy. I have never had an affair or have never even thought of having one. So I dont understand how someone can do this to someone they love and care about. I cant forget I constantly think of this and there hasn't been a day go by that I dont get somewhere and cry. I don't know what to do now. I don't want a divorce because of my daughter, but I don't want to live my life wandering who she is seeing now. I really need help. On fathers day I came very close to suicide but i didnt because of my daughter. I need help I leave in rural area and dont have much access to get help so thayts why I'm here.
Sorry you're here, but now that you are, realize you are among friends. It may get a little tough around here, but we are all here to help each other through some VERY difficult times.
In terms of your specific situation (sitch from here on out) I am a little leery of giving advice because I think, and please, someone correct me if I am off base, when you are dealing with a "serial" cheater, someone who has multiple affairs, it can be evidence of something more, or at least different than the standard "bad (and bad is subjective) marriage, escape affair", "One night stand", or "Fell in love, didn't mean to" syndromes we see here a lot. If she is doing this all the time, with 3 men that you know of (sorry to say there may be more) then there may be deeper issues here. Does she have any history of abuse as a child? I am just looking for something that may clue us into why she would adopt this behavior.
She said she's done cheating, right? Is she willing to be "transparent" to you in terms of cell phone bills, email, etc? Has SHE said why she cheated? Does it ring true to you or is she making excuses?
As for you, as per the "books" we talk about, that this site was founded on, Divorce Busting and Divorce Remedy, you need to start to look inward. You need to really start the process of learning how to do for yourself in terms of happiness and direction. Since you've been through D before, I know you don't want to do it again, but the first step to that is to realize you can't control your W. You will have to work through this process. It starts with you.
I feel for you. It sounds like you were doing the right thing, but the last thing you need to do is to start looking at your marriage, as I think you already have, and discover what needs to change if and when your W is "back". I think in your case, as I said above, that may not be enough. She will also have to figure out what this habit of cheating is all about and probably get some counseling. Maybe marriage counseling would be good for you both, but first, I think she should go to IC.
thanks GH I'm really glad someone responded. I'm just to the point that I don't know what to do. I love her so much. I don't want a divorce. I'm trying to find us a counselor close enough for us to go see
I feel for you. The pain can be overwhelming. While I can't relate to your specific sitch I can really relate to the emotions. I cry at the drop of the hat. On my way to work, on my way home. In the bathroom. I've had many thoughts of suicide over the last two months. It is only in the last few days that I am pulling out of the fog.
Get the two books and read them. And work on getting a life. You need to do things differently. It might sound silly but I even changed the type of underwear I wear. Join a gym. Get a manicure. A new haricut. If you wear glasses get new frames. Change your style of dress. Buy clothes you never would have worn before.
These things helped me to focus on myself. It wasn't the new shirt it was the going to the store and trying on new things. Looking at myself in the mirror and trying to feel good about myself.
I've learned that I have no control over my wife. She will do what she needs to do. Men and woman approach emotions differently. I understand today that by trying to intellectualize the A with my W only made matters worse. I needed to stop talking to her about my emotions, the affair and the relationship.
I'm still new at this. I have never been through a divorce. I love my wife with all my heart. I am an emotional wreck.
What I do know is there are a lot of good people here. Just blurt out whatever you need to say. If you don't get a response right away, blurt some more. And get the books and read them. And then read them again.
You are a good person and you deserve to be happy. Put those thoughts of hurting yourself away. It is just self pitty f-ing with you.
Jeff, I too will tell you to leave the hurting yourself part from your plans to move forward whichever direction you go. The feelings you feel is always the first things we the people here can relate to. It's an ongoing rollercoaster of emotion and will hit you anytime anywhere. Keep strong, post your thoughts and I'm sure a lot of the good people here will listen.
I'm sorry you find yourself here. It is a wonderful place in many ways and there are a lot of very wise, seasoned veterans that may offer you some help.
I am married to a serial cheater. We are presently in the process of divorcing. He walked away 10 months ago to be with his latest GF. I did not know that he had cheated repeatedly for most of our marriage (21 years) Very early on in our journey, his counselor suggested that he read Private Lies by Frank Pittman. H chose not to read it, but I did. I found it very helpful and straighforward.
I would agree with GH. When there is serial cheating, there are some significant emotional issues at work. I went to IC on my own and after 2 years I finally figured out what was going on with my H. Both my IC and our MC told me that this cheating wasn't "about me." Intellectually, I get that. It still doesn't make it hurt any less. I know how you feel. To discover that the marriage you thought you had was a sham, is extremely devastating. I understand how people come to choose suicide. The pain is CRUSHING and you want and need it to stop.
The way to make it stop is to start focusing exclusively on YOU. Do not dwell on the problems with your W. Take whatever little baby step you can to start moving in a positive direction for YOUR happiness. What do you like to do? What makes you feel good about yourself? And don't say nothing. Start somewhere, even if it's as simple as taking a walk. Force yourself to get out of the house and do things just for you. And truly detach yourself from your wife. Each day you will feel a little stronger. Try focusing on all the good things in your life. Try remembering all the blessings you have. Practice feeling grateful. It will truly turn around your mental outlook.
So I dont understand how someone can do this to someone they love and care about.
The answer to that is that she didn't "do" it to you. She was just out living her life. Doing what she chose at the time. Try not to take it personally. I know how hard that is, believe me. You have a right to be outraged and offended. Does it show a lack of character on her part? Absolutely! But do you really think her mindset was, "Oh this will really show Jeff. I'll get him by screwing around with this other guy."? No. And I doubt that she even gave you a thought. Other than, I don't want to get "caught."
The key to surviving this emotional devastation is to focus on you.
I will check back on you again.
Hugs,
Spitfire
Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest. Mark Twain
