I came to a realization that my wife having sex with me when she didn’t have desire was an actual expression of love. By demanding that she only act sexual when she had desire you do not acknowledge a huge positive compromise on her part. By ignoring the possitives in her actions you are quite possibly feeding her feelings of being unable to satisfy you sexually at all. When she is sexual it's not enough for you, not good enough and always wanting more. If this is how she feels then this can only further compounding you problem and gridlock. That being said there is a difference between pity sex conceded out of guilt and a compromise born out of love and its mostly in the attitude of the participants.
What you just said is an argument I have presented to CeMar several times in the past, I happen to agree with you. IMPO if a woman who is LD will ML with her spouse or BF even when no desire is present, it is absolutely an expression of love....no doubt about that in my mind. To me that is flat-out showing the person who is important in her life that she is trying to meet his needs, simply because she does love him.
My comments are directed solely at CeMar on the perspective he's presenting currently....primarily because he is now advising someone to do something he's not willing to accept from his own wife and a display of love himself.
When 2 people get married, why would it be acceptable for only 1 person in that relationship to be desired? Why would anyone actually want to be with another person that does not desire them. Why are you telling us guys that our being desired is not important?
Quote: When 2 people get married, why would it be acceptable for only 1 person in that relationship to be desired? Why would anyone actually want to be with another person that does not desire them. Why are you telling us guys that our being desired is not important?
CeMar, CeMar, CeMar- Let's suppose that sometime in the future you truly believe that you are desirable and lovable and that your own desire for sex is a good thing and your own demands regarding sexual activity are reasonable. Then you will be able to see that your wife's lack of desire for sex is her own "thing". Then you can either be helpful if she perceives her own lack of desire as a problem or accepting if she is accepting of her own lack of desire and doesn't see it as a problem.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
That question coming from you though doesn't fit. You've stated your W was different when you married...that she had desire then.
I have NEVER said (Why are you telling us guys that our being desired is not important?) NEVER not once have I diminished the importance of being desired...we all want to feel desired by our spouse.
What I have done CeMar is tell you that a woman cannot just turn desire on and off for a man like you turn on a light switch. If it's there, then that's great..no problem right? If it's not....then there are other issues that have to be addressed before that switch can be flipped on for her. Whether that is a behavior that her H exhibits, or her making lists of things that have to be done first, FOO issues....whatever it is.
I've NEVER, said that desire is unimportant....but you cannot have that until other things are dealt with (it won't happen.)
That just shows me that you hear what you want to hear CeMar.
You flat-out refuse to see that YOU will not accept a womans love for her H by having sex with him, just because she wants to make him happy (without desiring sex, which is what your W does)...yet you are advising other women to do just that to affect change in their H.
Now, why....if that won't work for YOU, if you refuse to accept that behavior from your W...would that work for other men? What makes you so special in that regard?
CeMar- I am with you but I need my hope that someday I can make my LD wife, a happy HD wife.
GEL - You stated on another thread that you can "make yourself fall in love" with the Jera thread. And I believe that as well. I am hoping that the same applies with desire. I know that in a lot of cases where my wife might start out doing it because it is an obligation but then it turns into a "good" time for her. The times it is disappointing (and this is where it applies to you CeMar) is when it is obligatory and doesn't turn to "good."
I think that is where the other things us men do to help alleviate the symptoms come in: laundry, dishes, etc...
Where I agree with CeMar is with the Dr. Laura book. To me it is so simple, love and desire your man for what he does. If you can "make yourself fall in love" then why not "make yourself love and desire your man." If there are things that you want him to do, then hell, use ML to get it done. I am simple enough and primitive enough that I will be all over it!
Once again you have written a post that caused a knee jerk reaction in me. Made my skin crawl it did.
Once you have got him on the hook with sex, you can literally get him to do ANYTHING, you can lead him ANYWHERE in a relationship, you can get whatever you want from your relationship
so your belief system gives all the power to the women in the M. no wonder you arent getting any. Male w/power = catnip f/woman. Sex seems to be the equivalent to a ring in your nose.
So since you are not getting any sex w/desire, why are you supplicating and placating your wife with all the honey-do's? For a sexy woman like that, I know I would move heaven and earth to keep her happy. Really. I think you have tried to do this with your W allready, without succes.
Cemar wrote "the LD female must be FULLY committed to fixing the problem before it can get better."
It does bring up something that does make me feel better when struggling with sexual issues in my own relationship and that is when I see the efforts of my wife to do something about it. Sometimes that something is being willing to be sexual when she does not desire it.
A commitment to managing the differences that does exist while maybe not as sexy as having her decide to do me every night for 2 months seems a lot more realistic place to start from.
I am very happy when my wife does things that I know might be a little bit of effort or outside of her comfort zones.
I think it depends on your point of view. If you are in it for the long run, then baby steps over a long period of time, make it worth it. If you are not patient, then you might miss the little stuff your wife is trying to do. Even the best lead off hitter, will hit a home run someday. Hopefully that will be my LD wife
But I can also see the times and days when it would be unrealistic for me to expect much. Hard day at work, busy schedule, kids are running amok
Things take time. And if it takes 20 years, in the scheme of things, I am willing to work on it.
