I haven't posted in a long time because I haven't had much time. Long story short. H27 M30 S2. I had an affair in dec one night. I know it was an extremely stupid thing to do and I definitly learned my lesson. I found something in OM that our marriage was missing for a long time (about a year) and instead of fixing it with MC I ran. I went threw a MLC from dwelling on being a stay home mom, marriage problems, and not feeling like I mattered anymore. We seperated March 1st. He moved out because I asked him to. The night he moved out I knew I was making a huge mistake by letting him leave. I just needed time to myself to think about me and what I wanted in my life. Three weeks later I realized a lot. I wanted the marriage to work, and I don't want my son to grow up like this. Well he ended up meeting someone. He is still seeing her, at least that is what he is saying. I read the DB book and have done the list of thinds to do. My H has tested the waters with me a little bit and I think I might be making progress. At first I wrote the letters, sent him texts, called him, begging and apologizing for everything I have done that destroyed this marriage and asked that he give me a chance to fix things and make them right again. At first he said no. Then I get a call to meet him at the house before memorial day. I meet up with him and talked a little bit but not about us. We made love and he kissed me and hugged me good bye. I was so happy but then I got the cold shoulder for a week or so. We talked after that on and off about our S2. I went to visit the in laws because my father in law had heart surgery the weekend before 7/4. I was staying in a campground and my H stayed at his parents. He called me and asked if he could come over. He was flirting with me and we talked for a couple hours on how our friends' marriages are getting better and he said it takes time. Then one thing led to another and we made love again. He again hugged and kissed me good bye. I called him two days later and asked him if he thought we were making progress and he said he doesn't know. I asked him if he wanted me to file for divorce and he said he has not made that decision yet. I then asked if he was seeing anyone and he said he had someone on the side. I was so upset, I called my mother in law. Apparently she and the rest of the family have been pressuring my H to fix things with us. She said he does love me and she knows that he does what to work things out but he is playing a game for some reason. Then I found out he just bought a Harley...I was shocked. So I continue to talk to him as if I don't know anything. His bday is 7/11 so I kept asking if I could do something for him since I usually have a huge bash for him every year. He said he was not feeling good and was going to take our S2 and stay home. I was so upset I wrote a 5 page letter but never gave it to him. I then find out with the OW threw him a surprise bday bash. Yeh I was mad. By the way OW is 25 and has a D5. So last weekend I went out with the girls and I kept hearing stories about my H. I was so upset that when my H dropped of our son I had to give him the letter. Our son is going through a hard time with this. He sat on the couch and covered his eyes and started crying when my H was going to leave. I think that hit my H right in the heart and then I gave him the letter. I didn't get a response from the letter but on Monday night he called and asked if he could park his bike in the driveway so he can go fishing with a friend. I said fine. He ended up coming over early and talked. I went up to him and kissed him. I had to. He kissed me back. Then he went fishing and text me to stay awake because he wanted to come in after fishing. I did and we talked till 1am and again made love. He then has been texting me or calling me except for this past weekend. I thought we were on a good track but now I am nervous that something might have happened with the OW to make him back off. I will not call him. I want to see if he calls me. So you think I am making progress or do you think that he just wants his cake and eat it too?
PLEASE forgive me for maybe misunderstanding the sitch, but I THINK you said you had an affair less than 9 months ago, right? If that's the case, then you seem to be glossing over that fact pretty easily. When I think of the agony AmyC, HH and others go through in an attempt to win back the love of their LBS, it seems like you don't really see the need for that.
I am not trying to slam you, and if I have it all wrong, please correct me, but you seem to expect him to drop his NEW life, one that YOUR actions (both the affair AND asking him to leave) kick-started, just because now you know what you want? I don't think it works that way.
I DO see signs that he's opening up to you but I think for the process to really move forward, he will probably need a lot more from you, or maybe just more time with you being "better" before he can trust that things will be different.
Like I said, I know you said all the right things, but don't discount the pain he went through when you did what you did. It HASN'T been that long and no matter what he's got going on in his life, the pain is still there and I doubt he is in a real hurry to jump back in to that fire again.
I think you have a GREAT chance to have things work out for you but it will take time and work. It seems like you are willing to give it both but maybe a slight shift in attitude may help.
Amy? Whatcha think, oh sage speaker for the "other side", lol.
Thank you for your feedback. I am sorry I sounded so short, I just didn't think people wanted to read the novel I could have ended up writing about what had happened. I just tried to make is really short and be in more detail about what has been going on lately. I know what I did was the worst thing anyone can do to someone and I hated myself so much for it. I have been seeing two therapists to help me. I have been through a lot and think I have accomplished with my self esteem, etc. I realize a lot of things that I could have done differently in our marriage to make things better and have been doing that now to show him that I am a better person. I am just trying to do the little things right now to show him because I am afraid that if I push too much he will run. I talk to the in laws all the time now and we have a much better realationship then we did in the past. That is one of the things he really wanted. I am really happy with how close I am with them now. I hope I am making progress in patching up our marriage.
Quote: He then has been texting me or calling me except for this past weekend. I thought we were on a good track but now I am nervous that something might have happened with the OW to make him back off. I will not call him. I want to see if he calls me. So you think I am making progress or do you think that he just wants his cake and eat it too?
Yes I am really impatient and trying to relax. I know things aren't going to be fixed overnight although I wish they would. I want to call him to see how his weekend went and see how he is doing at work but my friend says not too. I used to do that all the time before we were seperated and she thinks I should just leave him a lone and let him come to me.
Ok, sorry then to jump on you. I take some of that back, but I still stand by the idea that it SEEMS like you have some expectations about what he SHOULD be doing in light of your becomming a better person and working on the marriage. It very well could be that he got the first message that you sent him, i.e. the marriage sucks, and is a little slower to get this one. Keep posting more, and post the long version if you think it will help. Worrying about people's reading habits never stopped me, lol.
In the meantime, drop your expectations, realize that YOU now understand a lot about what went wrong, and even if you TELL him, he will need to get to that point himself and then decide to work on the M himself, something that I suspect he worked a long time to get over wanting to do.
Keep working on you and realize that you cannot make this go faster.
Do I call him on my lunches like we did before this all happened to see how his day is going or should I just give him space and wait for him to call me?
It's always hard in a case like yours, where you are the "cheater" (sorry) and you are asking whether to pursue or not. NORMALLY, we say the LBS should NOT pursue and while you may feel, due to the current state of things, that you ARE the LBS, you in fact are not. That changes things and in a lot of cases, the WAS needs to do a bit more pursuit and such. It's really hard to say at this point. Maybe we need to know more background.
OK I will try and make this as short as possible...H and I met down the shore. Known him for years and we were really good friends. Then we ended up dating and things were perfect. He moved up where I lived after 2 months dating. We got engaged 4 months later. We were engaged for 1 1/2 years and were happier than ever. We married and was pregnant 3 months later. I had a really bad pregancy. I had HELLP syndrome. Had our son early was put under for it. Was advised not to have anymore kids because I would run the risk of this happening again and could die or lose the baby. So my H had a vasectomy. We agreed I stay home to take care of our S since he will be our only child and we thought it would be best. I tried to make money doing the at home start up businesses and they ended up going no where fast. We were financially in a bind and needed to get out of the apartment. My H would work 3 jobs at times to make ends meet. I wanted to work but couldn't keep anything because my H's hours were always scattered. So after about 1 1/2 years I found the perfect house in our budget. I cashed out my IRA and savings we had for the down payment. Well things between us were no better. We would fight about money, not have anytime together because we could afford a sitter, we weren't intimate anymore, and he would work purposily on house project and I would end up nagging him to come in and spend time with his son instead. So we started going out with our friends seperatly. He would go play basketball and I would hang out at a pool hall or play bingo one night a week. I ended confiding in who I thought was a friend and got emtionally attached to him. Just talking to him was making me happy but he took it to another level and I hate myself for doig what I did. My H knows and at first wanted to work things out. My head was so messed up I didn't know what I wanted anymore. I thought that if I could have feelings for someone else then maybe I wasn't in love with my H anymore. I aske my H to leave. I started to go to counseling myself and was told I was having a MLC. I asked my H to move out and give me time to sort this out. He did March 1st. I knew it was a mistake when he walked out that door. I went out and got a job back in my field. It was hard to have to put my S in someone elses care but I had to do this and he old enough now. I started to feel 90% better about myself once I started working. I felt like I was needed and mattered again. Three weeks later I just crashed emotionally and it was like I was hit by a ton of bricks. I realized all I have done and what I needed and wanted back in my life. I called and explained everything to my H and apologized left and right and he was just silent. No response. I think I made him numb. Then I find out he has a GF. There is nothing I could do. I dug my own hole and now I have to find a way to get out of it. I have written him letters, called him, etc. I apologized to all the in laws and ended up being closer to them then ever before. I give him space but sometimes I just can't help but ask him how he is feeling and then he closes back up. I just worry because he doesn't talk. We always had a communication problems. I always said what was on my mind and he would just close up. Drive me nuts. I told him recently that now is the best time to let it all out and tell me what is on your mind even if it is going to hurt me. No response. But he is coming out of his shell little by little as you can see in my first post. I know it is going to take time. I don't mind giving him all the time in the world he needs as long as he is taking this time a lone and really thinking about things. I truly do love him and want to be able to hug him whenever I want. I don't want to take a vacation with out him and really have any new experiences without him. I miss him so much. Now you know my story. I appreciate any feedback.
