Avid golfer / Hobbies & Successful marriages

[CJR]

Wondering if folks might be able to chime in with their thoughts / experiences?

I am an avid golfer - its my one hobby outside of work. I put in 45-50 hour weeks to provide for the family and am just looking to have 5 hours per week to be able to enjoy this.

Here's the rub - My wife and I have different perceptions of spending time together / family management. She comes from a background where the father spent his entire time at the beck and call of his wife and I believe that deep-down she expects me to be similar. She's a "stay at home mom" and has few hobbies. One child is in full-time school and the other has pre-school 3/4 times a week which provides her much time to herself during the work week.

To her defense, I am a very independent person and lived in a home where my parents spent a lot of time together, weekday and weekend nights especially, however had very separate interests and that seems to work for them. As a result, I show similar tendencies.

Lastly, we do things as a family each weekend, but not neccesarily as structured. Time at the local pool, get-togethers with other families, playing sports in the backyard, etc...

As a result, my want for 5 hours / weekend to enjoy golf which I find stress relieving and a decent form of exercise (I walk the course and its quite hilly) is looked at a character weakness and threatens the family.

Any suggestions / perspective on this? Is my golf actually bad for the family? Flip side - is it reasonable to have hobbies outside of the family? How can we work to have some kind of equity in our lives and have a happy marriage?

[cat03]

I don't think there is anything wrong with golf, a few questions though: do you golf every weekend? does it take up the middle of the way in a way that you can't do anything else with the family afterwards?

I'm not sure how long golf games go, but 5hrs sounds like a lot, I'd let my H go play basketball at night until late, he'd go at 6 or 7pm, by then we didnt' do much with the kids anyways and I got a chance to relax while the kids slept. Maybe she resents the fact that pretty much half the weekend is gone when you golf.

I do think though that each person should be free to follow their interests, that one is responsible for one's happiness.

Do you do things just with her?, do you leave kids with a sitter and do stuff with only her? does she get to have a night out? it does sound like she has some time alone on the weekdays. Do you guys work out? My H and I joined a gym and do yoga together, it was nice spending that time together.

[Roktop]

As a golfer myself I can appreciate what you get out of it.

In my life I found negotiating an equal amount of free time for my partner... I take 4-5 hours I make sure she has 4-5 hours of free time just for her...

If 4-5 hours is to much then I recomend playing 9 holes and taking it to 2.5 hrs not as good as the full 18 but a 1/2 round a weekend is better then nothing or an unpleasant arguement.

ROK

[BeingMe]

I agree with ROK! I would say, try and get in a couple of 9 holes during the week, and leave the weekend free to do stuff with your W, and kids. I guess I am lucky, in that, my H doesn't see the point in investing 5 hours to play a game of golf - he prefers the 9 holes, and will occasionally do that with a friend, a couple of times a year.

I do think, however, that everyone is entitled to their hobbies and interests. I am a SAHM at present, but have most of the day to myself, so I started studying again. My H is into doing stuff in his garage, i.e. fixing motorbikes, doing some woodwork, etc. I don't begrudge him that at all. We are thinking of taking dance lessons together, in the fall. Should be interesting.

This is something to mull over, for sure, and affects how we go about piecing our M's.

[Sandy_wants_to_try]

The problem with golf is that it takes so long.

As the daughter of an avid golfer (AKA:golf-orphan ), I can tell you, those 5 or so hours... which end up being 6-7, right? 19th hole, drinks with the guys, something to eat... is a LONG time on a weekend without their daddy. And a long time for W to be soley responsible for kids on a weekend.
We HATED golf! Dad worked all week and then the only time he had free on weekend he chose to spend with some smelly guys instead of us??? From the ages of 9 -14 I used to follow my dad around on the course with a book, just so I could hang out with him.

My mother (AKA golf-widow ) ended up learning how to play when she was 56 just so she could be with him sometimes.

Now, my BIL, who is also an avid golfer, doesn't have that much of a problem... he involves his kids and wife in his hobbie. He plays his 18, then takes an hour or so to teach his kids how to play. They all go over to the practice field and make an outing of it ending up in ice-cream and laughs. Quality family time! But the initiative is his, understand?

[Phoenix_spark]

I think Sandy here gives some pretty accurate and inciteful suggestions. I love golf, but I too see that giving up most of the weekend to others would definately cause bad feelings. As Sandy suggests, if it's the game you truly love, involve the whole family, if it's the commradery(sp?) and post game that you really love, own up to it and re-assess your values. Most guys I know go 9 holes, take family members and if possible try to get W involved. Time with W doing something you love. Sure it might not be competitive, but when things are all said and done you will have a better home life.

[icl]

CJR,

all good suggestions above. One of my regular foursome is in the same sitch as you. In the summer, we play during the week very early (6am) and get finished by 10am so then put in a full day working afterward. Could you do something like this? Otherwise, all of the above posts are great suggestions for compromise.

One other you might try is explaining to your W what golf means to you and why you need it and then listen to her in return in order to understand each other's perspective. You might not be as far apart as you think you are,

icl

[Sandy_wants_to_try]

Another thing I just thought of. I think in my Dad's case, it wasn't so much that he chose to play golf on weekends, but what he chose to do with the rest of the hours he had on weekends.

In his case, he played golf, then of course, he was a little tired from playing golf. Couldn't give us his full attention. Then there was the Sunday paper, his football games on TV, his golf games on TV, maybe a little weekend work, going out to lunch...
Next thing you know, he had actually spent maybe an hour or two giving us his full attention. The rest of the time was for him.

If he had maybe given us as much attention as he did golf during the other hours he had on the weekend, we wouldn't have placed the blame on golf so much.

You don't have to stop playing, you just have to make sure you're spending quality time with your family.
Prioritize your time on weekends to be Family first, golf second and all other things after that...
See how that doesn't mean you need to sacrifice your hobby?