OK...here's the deal. The OM is married and has 4 kids, ages 3-16. He has told his W that it is over, and he is moving out soon. His W knows that her H is actively involved in an affair with my W. (They went on an overnight trip together this weekend to celecbrate his birthday...he's 10 years older than my W!!!!) Apparently the OM and his W ahave a very rough situation in the house, with arguing in front of the kids, W using kids as spies, etc. etc. Here's the question...why on earth would my W want to talk to me about the issues with the OM?? Today we had a short conversation about how the OM and his W were handling the kids, the pending D, etc. etc. Is this smart? She seems to open up to me as a friend, but is is very had to keep the conversation from migrating to a R talk about us. Of course, as soon as she's NOT talking to me she's hotmailing the OM constantly, or sneaking off to call him on the cell. Any advice is appreciated...
Not real sure on why she would want to talk to you about it. Does she have any other friends she can talk to about this?
I do see why she would want to talk to someone though. Think about it. The OM is in a bad sitch and your W wants to leave your sitch and jump into that? She has no clue about what she is getting herself involved in. No wonder she is looking for someone to talk, or offer her support. She's looking for someone to tell her she is doing the right thing. She basically knows that it isn't the right thing, but is choosing to ignore all the signs.
"Our life is what our thoughts make it."
Marcus Aurelius
IMINTROUBLE, S's in affairs make very poor decisions (or they wouldn't be f'ing around on you in the first place!). They seem to be oblivious to the feelings of the injured party and want to act as though nothing has changed. You are her friend, believe it or not. She turns to you because she always has. I think they blot out their guilt and carry on. It's kind of like the alcoholic where everyone else can see what their behaviour is doing to their lives but they have no clue. This is similar. Anyone with a brain can see why discussing her lovers situation with you is inappropriate but she can't even entertain that idea. If you are uncomfortable then tell her "I'm sorry but I don't feel comfortable discussing that situation but I'm very open to discussing our situation anytime you want to." She's being selfish and insensitive which is par for the course. Remember though she talks to you because you and she still have a bond. That's good. But, be selective on what you allow her to discuss. She just ripped your heart out and stomped on it. You need to set the limits here. But, as always, do what you feel comfortable with cuz you have to live with the results, not me!! Hang tough.
And my wife knows it. This guy is in a classic MLC. He's 43, coming to the end of a military career, unhappy with his marriage, and he just lost a father. Unfortunately, this whole thing is taking place within a small, overseas military community...and everybody knows everybody else's business. My W doesn't have any close friends here (only been here about 10 months). The local wives group is closing ranks around the other S, so my W is the odd jezebel out. We went to church today for the first time in years, and she even go some nasty looks there. My W and I have always been like best friends...which makes this even tougher. I sounds like as long as I can stand it, talking on this subject is OK. We'll see...
Well, that is a big reason why she is talking to you about it, no friends to support her. If you can deal with it then good for you! I think it would be very painful though. One other thing, if you listen to her don't offer any suggestions or try to put the looser OM down. She'll turn on you so fast your head will spin. Just listen and validate/accept what she is saying. You don't have to agree or disagree, just listen if you can.
"Our life is what our thoughts make it."
Marcus Aurelius
I'm impressed with the empathy you are expressing towards your wife and this mess she has put you both in. I think that says something for who you are as a person. I hope soon she comes back to earth and sees the great guy she is throwing away. I hope you have some supports in place cuz you've only been posted there 10 months too. Sadly, in a small community you can't just blend in with the scenery. Keep us posted.
Thanks for the advice. Since the bomb my W has said over and over that she thinks I'm a great guy, I deserve to be happy, the problem is with her, and she just never "got the feelings back", yadda yadda yadda. Despite our agreement to keep the household together for the time being, I sense a real struggle within my W. I think she has lots of guilt about staying under the same roof with me while seeing OM. Says she just doesn't see how I can take it if she's going out to see him, etc. etc. For the 3-4 days after the bomb we slept in the same bed, but since then she has been sleeping in D7's bed (D7 is with grandparents). I know she has looked at apartments, etc. We took a walk around the town square last night and she just about broke her neck looking a every place with a "FOR RENT" sign. She has told me the OM can't get a D until Dec (at that point, 20 years married, his ex would get lifetime health insur). Hopefully I can keep her in the house at least until then...we'll see.
The W told me last night that during the middle of a heated discussion the OM asked his W why she couldn't handle this sych more like me. Wow. Of course, that went over like a lead ballon with OM's W. Now here's the question...should I contact/speak to the OM's W and turn her on to Michele's books and DB-ing? The OM's W is doing EXACTLY what she shouldn't...pleading, begging, etc. etc. Obviously, if their sych were better it could only help our sych. My concern is that this would be seen as an attempt on my part to do just that...improve our sych by improving theirs. My W is leaving for a three-week stay in the US this weekend, and I think the OM's W and kids are doing the same.
IMINTROUBLE, Don't do it, man! Stay away from OM's w. It can only go bad for you. If w finds you are actively trying to break up her little "fantasy world" she may be out the door, which is fine if that's what you want. Stick to your own knitting, there's enough there for a great guy to do. I also got the same lines you did e.g. "you are a great guy, you deserve to be happy" I think there's a book out there for cheaters telling them what to say! Read Michelle's book (I don't remember if you have or not) it has helped keep me sane (I hope I'm still sane). Stick to taking care of you right now as best you can.
It is just hard to watch the whole thing play out. I read "Divorce Remedy". My W grew up w/ an alcoholic mother (not violent, just passive agressive), and I really think she has some codependency tendencies and tends to play the "rescuer". The OM's W is acting crazy, dragging the kids into it, and generally doing everything she shouldn't. I guess I'll have to just sit here and bide time. Maybe when the W goes back to the US and is around her support network she'll come out of it a little bit, but I doubt it. Hotmail traffic will probably double from 30 Jul-17 Aug.
