Me just turned 45 XW almost 45 Married 20.5 Bomb Mar 05 SHE Moved out Apr 05 OM Mar-Jul 05 Div...May 06
D was final in May... 3x since then in various conversations XW has said..."I didn't feel cherished and adored" And.. "I didn't know if you really wanted to be w/ me" (after my A, in 1989 mind you!)
And she has shown NO inclination to continue those talks even though saying she would like to at some time. I have contemplated sending her two letters, one validating HER feelings and the other explaining how rejected and dismissed I felt over the years... Doubt I will, but it has been carthartic writing them.
Kids... S11 calls her a couple of times a week and is very adamant about not scheduling activities if it conflicts w/ their visits to her... D15, well what can you say about a 15 y.o. female (sorry ladies!) she is driving me NUTS w/ the attitude and snottiness. I think Copernicus, Galileo, et al were wrong, the world revolves around HER!!!
Friends have said XW still seems to be in her own little world; that she doesn't really interact w/ them, contacts them sporadically and one told me point blank that it's doubtful anything I say or they say would get through to her. I think she's still in MLC, still thinking that if ONLY OM (virgin boy) would grow up and cut the mommy apron strings EVERYTHING would be peachy. Of course he wants NOTHING to do w/ her. Don't think she's dating either. But cruising the Yahoo personals! Yes I saw her ad!
Now for the tricky part. Most of HER furniture and almost all her personal possessions are STILL at the house. By agreement the division of "stuff" and removal was supposed to occur w/in 30 days of the D. Neither of us has said anything about this. Back at XMAS she did pack up a few trinkets and the china and left the boxes in the basement but never finished packing... At the time I told her they could stay for now, knowing she had no place to really put them and thinking maybe she won't go through w/ the divorce...
SO, now I'm thinking I need to tell her to get her stuff out and be gone, like get your stuff out within 10 days time. Including the extra two seats from the van that are in the basement! Would love to see her lug those up to her 3rd floor apt when she needs the space in the van! I think I need to do this for me and letting it her keep her crap here w/o any sign that she would ever want a R w/ me again is BS!
It's not like things can get worse, well, yeah, I guess she could start being a real (W)itch. But for the most part she just avoids talking to me. It's almost like she's even MADDER at me now and blames me for her sitch. And her living expenses are more than she's making so she's dipping into cash from the sale of our rental property.
So what say y'all? Tell her to move her stuff? Letter, email or verbally? I'm leaning towards a note on the counter that she can get when she picks up the kids or maybe I'll leave her a note in her apt when I pick up the kids while she's at work. That way if she gets all pi$$y, the only person there is her (and her new puppy!).
I guess I'll do this before summer is out and at least I won't have to look at some of the pieces I built FOR HER... I'm not seeing any light at the end of the tunnel, which means at least I'm not going to get run over by a train!!
I thought we agreed to 5 days notice and a yard sale if she doesn't show....
Amy
WE AGREED??? I like how you put that. Jeez, I don't even know you and already you're running my life!
Well, it's like this. I still think that she will pop her head out of her posterior extremus and was trying to keep things as much like they were. And truth be told it IS a little comforting to me to see things still sorta the same. But, I am getting the itch to change things around the house. And maybe if she feels the heat so to speak and has to grow up and be a big girl and be independent as she said she needs to be...
OY VEY. Part of me still thinks that at some point she will (slap forehead) and say "WOW, I really screwed up, David really DOES love me" Yeah, yeah, I know, pipe dreams...
And off course you, Amy, would be the first to reply, you of the THREE FREAKING YEAR MLC!!!
And I'm seeing first hand that other women would treat me a WHOLE lot better than I've been getting for years... I'm starting to wonder if this is really worth it or not. But for right now...I just wish our family was restored, I miss that, I miss her, and nothing feels "right".
Quote: WE AGREED??? I like how you put that. Jeez, I don't even know you and already you're running my life!
Quote: Part of me still thinks that at some point she will (slap forehead) and say "WOW, I really screwed up, David really DOES love me" Yeah, yeah, I know, pipe dreams...
That's not a pipe dream, David. If she's in MLC (or anything like it), there will also be an exit.
Quote: And off course you, Amy, would be the first to reply, you of the THREE FREAKING YEAR MLC!!!
Of course.
Quote: just wish our family was restored, I miss that, I miss her, and nothing feels "right"
Hi David; when my husband left me one year ago, he said he needed time and space and that he may move back, if given a chance to think. I gave him a lot of space and didn't contact him except for one trip to the lawyers so I could refinance my mortgage. After showing no signs of wanting counselling or reconciliation, for a period of six months, I insisted he move his stuff out. For my own dignity and self-respect, I felt six months was PLENTY time to think and I don't regret forcing him to move his stuff out one bit.
Sometimes people don't want the stuff out because they might think if it's in the house, the ex will come back. I don't think that's true. I think if they want to come back they will come back for YOU, not for the stuff they left in the house. And if they don't come back, cut 'em loose is what I say. Good luck.
WTH??? A few days ago XW and I had two brief (1 min) phone conv.'s and she was real snitty and short w/ me. I for the life of me have NO idea why. (No comments about men being clueless either!) So today she brings the kids home, I'm out weeding a flowerbed and see them coming, stand up and wave, she ignores me but D15 waves. (we're about 80' apart..) She pulls up to the garage, lets the kids out and is backing out all within about 90 seconds... As she drives out the lane I look up to wave and she holds her hand up, barely shakes it and looks straight ahead, QUITE OBVIOUSLY NOT looking at me. What is THAT all about? It is something about me and not something else bothering her. IDK. But it sure seems like the nicer I am the nastier she gets.
Amy: Is this what you did? Is that typical MLC WAS behavior?
I mean we're divorced! It's not like I can screw her over or something, and I've been accomodating AFA the kids go. Is she still mad b/c OM dumped her last year and she thought that my crack to him about burning in H3LL was the reason???
I'd sure like to know what this is all about, cuz this boy is CLUE-LESS.
Quote: Amy: Is this what you did? Is that typical MLC WAS behavior?
Oh David, I HATE remembering the way I treated my husband but I will tell you because yes, that IS what I did. I was H-A-T-E-F-U-L. Barely gave my husband the time of day. Even when talking with him about insignificant stuff at times, I just oozed "i'd rather be anywhere but here talking to you" attitude from every pore .
I don't know if it's "typical" behavior. Maybe I'm just a bi*ch on wheels. I DEFINITELY was during the MLC.
Just a thought but you also represent everything that she walked away from and I don't care how rosy those rose-colored glasses are, the WAS HURTS because of that. The attitude is likely not so much about you, but that she's mad at herself for still being affected when the D was supposed to be the answer to everything....
Quote: Just a thought but you also represent everything that she walked away from and I don't care how rosy those rose-colored glasses are, the WAS HURTS because of that.
The attitude is likely not so much about you, but that she's mad at herself for still being affected when the D was supposed to be the answer to everything....
Actually that's pretty much what I have thought all along when she's gotten an attitude. It's almost like she can't bear to come out here to the house. Early on she would come out two nights a week while I was working and often fixed dinner here for the kids; that gradually gave way to here taking them out to dinnner or back to her place and she rarely is here for more than a few minutes now.
Maybe the act of dropping the kids off here just reinforces the fact that they aren't with her and she doesn't see them very much. And having to drop them off and knowing that S11 misses her A LOT, may be tearing her up now. Of course that was HER doing, not mine, but I realize it's a whole lot easier to be mad at someone else than yourself!
I just could think of nothing I'd done recently that was so awful... Oh, sure I didn't reply to an email she sent last Sun pm b/c I was away and my Mom was here... I didn't even read it until Tue AM and then it was a moot point, (telling me she'd trim S11's bangs this week, but I had just made him let me trim them! Poorly I might add! He was Pi$$ed! ) even told her that when she asked about the email Thu. on the phone. In fact she said that by then it didn't matter. So that shouldn't be it. IDK, maybe by me asking for my books back it is becoming clear to her that I'm starting to move along.
Amy, in the twisted MLC thinking, is seeing your X start to move along and GAL grounds to say "HA, SEE, you're NOT what I need and want, b/c YOU'RE not there for me now!" Is that Possible?
BUT, I realized last night, I don't have to figure this out. This is not my issue/problem to solve. If she wants to carry around anger well, that's a 10lb. sack of crap she's welcome to.
Anyway, I figure I'll let things lie for a week or so and see what happens. I don't feel like pushing buttons and right now I'm fine, so I don't need to stir things up by telling her to get her stuff and be gone...
Sad thing is I'm starting to see that even were she to choose to come back, she just might not ever be capable of having a real, mature R, w/ both of us on even footing and both of us w/ a healthy libido... She just seems to want to be the victim...
Quote: Amy, in the twisted MLC thinking, is seeing your X start to move along and GAL grounds to say "HA, SEE, you're NOT what I need and want, b/c YOU'RE not there for me now!" Is that Possible?
Anything is possible in a MLC, I've learned. Just depends on the person. No one size fits all MLCers.
I don't post too terribly often but I came across this thread and thought I could share.
My H did the exact same things. Many times he wouldn't look in my direction at all. One time he dropped our son off at the end of the driveway, and then took off. This happened off and on for more than a year. Last summer he was so angry every time that I saw him, he wouldn't look at me, he never got out of his truck. I just kept being pleasant with him.
I don't know why they do this but I think a big part is because we are doing okay and moving on with our lives and they are still stuck in the dark abyss that is their life.
It is interesting to see this in these MLCers. My older sister is doing the same stuff. Only her H after the divorce stays away from her so she is taking it out on our family instead. She is really angry with all of us and we really don't know what we did.
I always tell myself that he is just projecting which as painful as it is it also is like a window into his mind to let me know where he really is emotionally.
I hope that this helps. ST
At the bar the Judge will not look us over for medals, degrees, or diplomas, but for scars. - Hugh B. Brown
) even told her that when she asked about the email Thu. on the phone. In fact she said that by then it didn't matter. So that shouldn't be it. IDK, maybe by me asking for my books back it is becoming clear to her that I'm starting to move along.