I've been reading your story for a very long time now, and you've been getting some very wise support and guidance.
I rarely post here anymore but there are a few things I feel compelled to tell you. Partially because I find you ignoring the advice you get, and partially because I see a lot of my old situation in yours.
The first thing you need to do is stop calling him. You can't force him to send you a pack of diapers or a check. You can't reach through the phone to his wallet, and you are smart enough to know this. You are using this as an EXCUSE to call him, because you cannot stand not having your say.
I fully believe that you are addicted to this drama and you have no idea what you really want. It's fine if you don't know what you want, no one expects you to be perfect, but let's just call a spade a spade and get on with what YOU need to do.
Your constant emotional upheaval and anger can most definitely affect your children. In fact, I would be very surprised if it doesn't. They already have one parent who has let them down and put their own selfish needs ahead of their well-being. Don't make it two.
You say you want your H dead. That you are mad at the world. That he has abused you, lied to you, and you fear for the safety of your daughters because of his temper. But if he called you up in the next ten minutes and begged to come home to you, you'd do it. Don't pretend it's otherwise.
That's not a healthy relationship by any stretch of the imagination. It's more like an obsession.
So how do you stop?
First, quit playing the victim. You made your choices, you've stayed with him through beatings and verbal abuse and infidelity, haven't you? Did he hold a gun to your head to get you to do this? No. You need to cowboy up and face reality. You are not in this situation because he forced you to be. You knew what you were getting into. Take responsibility.
Second, STOP CALLING HIM.
You can't force him to come see his daughters.
You can't guilt him into coming back or apologizing.
Right now, your calling is only accomplishing two things. It's keeping you spun up in a constant state of high anxiety. And it's PROVING to Kevin that you will chase him down and beg for contact, even bad contact, no matter what he does to you.
If you don't change, Emily, there's no chance for your marriage. More importantly, there's no chance for you to be happy on your own.
If you change your way of thnking and your REACTION to him, Kevin will have no choice but to try something else. Right now the two of you are locked into a sick pattern of ridiculous high school drama. STOP IT. If you stop it, then he has to. If one person walks away from the chess board, the game can't continue, right? So walk away. Stop calling him.
Your emotions and your self image are totally dependent on your H right now. But what you don't see is that you have a lot more power than you think you do. He isn't doing this to you at this point; you are.
Honestly Emily, you are a mother. The time for this nonsense is in the past. You should be focusing on your daughters, taking them to the park, finding free stuff for the three of you to do together. You should not be sitting agonizing over every single thing your H and the OW are doing. I promise you, when your kids are older you will kick yourself for wasting this precious time with them, on those losers.
One thing I do admire about you Emily, is your wilingness to come back to this board and take hard talk. I know you are trying. But so far I haven't seen you take one proactive step toward changing this sick cycle and action/reaction with your husband. You can't go more than 48 hours without leaving him nasty voice mails and demanding his time.
Start by going one day. Just one day. Don't call him, take a call from the OW, respond to any MySpace messages from her trashy crew... don't do it for one day.
Quote: Start by going one day. Just one day. Don't call him, take a call from the OW, respond to any MySpace messages from her trashy crew... don't do it for one day.
I dare you, Emily.
The rest of your life is depending on it
OK . . starting right now I won't call. It's going to be hard because as I said he was going to come see us this weekend.
I just talked to him. . he was a little upset about the VM that I left him. I told him I was sorry . . that I was panicked and I knew I shouldn't have left it. He told me it was OK . . I asked him not to be mad at me. He said he wasn't. I asked him if we were "OK" then. (I ment not bitter and fighting by this.) He said sure. I don't know what's going on this weekend. I had to get off the phone because Emily was here. He said he might try to call later. When we hung up I said well I love you . . he said I love you too.
hmm interesting. Means nothing . . but it's still interesting. I feel like an idiot. I wish I knew if he was back with OW . . but I don't want to call her. Not even close. Starting right now I won't call. If he doesn't show up or at least call it'll be hard because I know where he will be this weekend. WITH HER. That's going to drive me crazy.
I was doing really well for about 2 days . . . and then all of this crap happened again . . and I can't seem to get back there. I thought it would faster this time . . but it's not. I wanted to just snap right back . . but I can't seem to.
I'm tired of whirlwind emotions. I want that peace I had 5 days ago back . . that felt nice.
Quote: It's going to be hard because as I said he was going to come see us this weekend.
See, this is how you set yourself up for failure. Do not go into it thinking about how hard it will be. Go into it telling yourself you WILL succeed.
Quote: I just talked to him. . he was a little upset about the VM that I left him.
Boo frickin' hoo for him. No, you shouldn't have left that VM, but he isn't exactly an shining example of what should be, is he?
Quote: I told him I was sorry . . that I was panicked and I knew I shouldn't have left it.
Ok, but stop apologizing to him. Not that you were wrong to do so, but just try to get yourself out of the "poor me, I'm not in control, please forgive me" mindset.
Quote: I asked him not to be mad at me.
See above.
Quote: I asked him if we were "OK" then. (I ment not bitter and fighting by this.)
Stop asking him things like this. Act like you do not care. This question makes you seem needy and scared. What do you care if he think things are hunky dory? He left you, cheated on his pregnant wife, and has jerked you around like you're his personal plaything. Who cares if he's all ok with things?
Quote: I don't know what's going on this weekend.
Not your problem.
He knows where you live. He has your number. He knows his kids are there. DO NOT do his work for him.
Quote: He said he might try to call later.
Now Emily... don't do what you usually do. Don't get hysterical when he doesn't call. And if he does call, don't answer the phone. Do not answer the phone. Let him leave a message. You have a toddler and a newborn, you can't go running to the phone every time it rings, anyway.
Quote: When we hung up I said well I love you . .
Stop saying that. He knows you love him. Stop it.
Quote: If he doesn't show up or at least call it'll be hard because I know where he will be this weekend. WITH HER. That's going to drive me crazy.
Again -- self-fulfilling prophesy. Don't think like that. It will only drive you crazy if you let it. Be in charge of your own emotions.
It's actually funny because his little bro (almost 18) just called me and we had like a 20 minute convo.
He's a good "kid".
He was like talking about next year wanting me to come down to jubilee day (the big street fair) . . and if he had to he would come up and get me and drag me down . .at least the whole family won't hate me We briefly talked about Kev.
He said, "No matter what happens you'll always be my sister."
and . . ". . If I end up moving up there (he likes this area better than that one) I'll help you out with stuff."
I mean jeesh . . this coming from an 17 year old . . why can't it come from his 22 year old brother???
Reese (Kev's little bro) said that they (his mom and him) talked to Kevin lastnight and he said he would down in the area tomorrow.
JEESH . . so much for him stopping to see the girls.
. . . and me. . .
I really wanted to see him.
How the heck am I suppose to have a sex life in this sitch ???
Never mind . . just don't answer that folks.
I'll do my best not to answer the phone . . . but that'll be hard because I'd really like for him to stop.
I am soo bored tonight
and I think that's most of the cause of my madness.
I just wish my H would get his head on straight.
I just can't pick myself up! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?????????????????????? Please pray for me to regain strength and composure. I think this is so hard for me because he had made plans with me for this weekend and now he's not even going to stop and see the girls. He wants to get right down there to try and patch things up with her. What about me? HIS WIFE!! Couldn't he at least wait until we are divorced to move right on with her???????????
OK I have an honest question . . it's probably all wrong for this site but hell . . . why not.
When do I get to move on in my "love life". I understand that before I get into another R I have to work on myself so that I do not repeat this cycle. But does that mean in 5 or 6 months when the D is final I can't start dating again.(I cannot go that long . . AYE ) I mean by then my H will probably be remarried . . .
I know that's thinking in the future . . I am just fielding for opinions here. I want to start making a plan for myself . . and I don't want to be "taken advantage" of again . .as a rebound thing.
Your concern should be your children. Not your sex life and your love life.
I'm sorry to sound harsh, but I think you would be totally irresponsible to even consider dating without some serious counseling and therapy.
That fact that this question would even occur to you when ten minutes ago you were crying over missing your husband shows you have serious issues.
I've seen you post more than once about "finding my girls a new daddy," and such. When in your other posts, you sound so wounded and raw that I can't even imagine how you could think of such a thing?
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