Dexter, ****But we must all remember that it will not work for every one and sometimes a M is over no mater how hard we try
The first step to knowledge is to know we know nothing. Agree???
If so then both spouses need to try and shed any preconcieved notions.
I was convinced my marriage was over, but I still had the OW in my life clouding my view. Once I got her out of my life, I began to think much more clearer, like the old jokerman.
You can fall in love with anyone. Love is a choice. I have choosen to try to love my wife. I don't now, but I look forward to the day that I do.
Now I do agree that physical or sexual abuse should NEVER be tolerated and divorce is the solution.
Jokerman, The first step toward loving your wife is telling her you do and acting like it. Focus on her good qualities and learn to accept her negative qualities (and maybe even make them positive in your mind... for example, my daughter is aggressive, but I call it assertive and I'm proud that she's a strong and determined person).
If we can change the way we think (and people can do that), we can choose who we love. It may take some time, but I think eventually you hopefully will find enough in your wife that you'll develop a secure and deep love for her.
Dexter, You are right sometimes a marriage can't be saved. I'm having to come to term with the fact that mine very likely won't make it (thus my name here). This is very painful. Especially after working so hard to try and save it. Oh well... sometimes there's no choise but to go down with the ship.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Sorry guys...been pretty busy here the past few days and unable to post. I have been reading all of it though, and I appreciate all the input.
I DO know that divorce hurts kids, even though my parents are still married. I've seen it; heck, my best firend's parents even managed to drag me into it on occasion. I've seen what divorce does to kids, and I never wanted to put my own son through it. I'll do my best every day and hope it's enough to give him a secure future, one full of happiness.
That's where I really don't think we're going to get along JokerMan. You say that happiness is NOT a right, that it's a bonus. Isn't happiness something to fight for, though? I mean, if not for striving to make life as good as it can be every day, then what should my reasoning be? As I say, we're simply not going to agree on this, and I don't think we have to. It doesn't come down to who is right and who is wrong....it's not that black and white. Laissez faire - let the people choose. If you choose to live a life in which you accept happiness when it comes to you, then kudos to you; it's your life and I applaud your selflessness. But my life isn't lived by the same rules.
And perhaps it's good that you note the similarities between myself, dexter, and your OW. We have a different worldview, one that doesn't coincide well with yours...but does that make us wrong? Perhaps because we each disagree with society's rules and have all found a similar way to voice our unique perspective. Perhaps we are predisposed to being OM/OW because we refuse to live harmoniously within the system. I firmly believe that there is no "one right way" to live, and that simply because this is right for you doesn't mean it's right for me, or for dex, or for your OW.
I wish you the best of luck with your single parenting (or future marriage if you go that route). It takes enormous dedication to be a decent parent even when you have a spouse to help with it, so I don' envy you the job ahead. But I have read stories of good single parents (who have raised great adults.. I can remember one story in the newspaper) so I know it can be done. Just not easy!!! But good parenting in itself is a true challenge.
Just like love, happiness is one of those elusive, not always easy to define kind of things. It can change over time and basically happiness isn't something you find in someone else, it's something you have to find in yourself. If you depend on someone else for happiness they are bound to eventually let you down. On the other hand, if someone makes you very unhappy (i.e. an abusive situation, etc...) then you have a right to get out of it. But I think one problem is that oftentimes people who want to get out of a marriage will sometimes "rewrite" history. They'll see the marriage as much worse then it is, or focus entirely on things they think are bad and completely ignore what was good. It's easy to find excuses to justify behavior (You have PMS, you didn't like my hobbies, we fought too much, we didn't fight enough, we didn't spend enough time together... etc...). Sometimes things are really fixable. Particularly in long-term marriages where people have just been together so long they've taken each other for granted (extremely normal in long-term marriages) and have forgotten their love and why they got married in the first place (I do think if you've loved once it's probably still in there, you just have to dig inside again to find it).
As far as being the OP in a relationship that would be a difficult place for me. Regardless of the chemistry and attraction (which really isn't unique to one person, there are plenty of fish in the sea as they say), I'd prefer to choose someone who's not getting over a relationship or marriage, and therefore doesn't have a bunch of baggage to deal with. Relationships are hard enough without having to deal with a bunch of leftover crap (forgive my french).
Why not choose someone healthy and together rather than someone lugging a bunch of garbage with them? This is my own personal opinion of course. Some people like to try and fix other people or feel helpful to them. Look close enough and all the little dysfunctions start to emerge.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
All----- so it does see that i have a sim out look as H2H. i lived in a ok to bad M for 5 years. I found myself and worked out that my M will not work befor i found my LP (life partner). i was tired of feeling worthless i might not call it true emot. abuse but it is a close call. My W and i are good friends now and have a much better R then we used to. Some times you do things for the wrong reasons, it may take awile to find this out, but then you have to realise that there is a time when you have to chose for your self where your life is going to go. i have found my happiness it is in what i make of my life and how i help others with theirs.
