Hello all, I want to thank everyone for their responses and honesty.
I just keep reading that I am not suppossed to accuse unless I have proof. What if I am wrong? Has that been anyone's mistake?
What if I am paranoid and he is not cheating?
I also have been reading that I am not suppossed to snoop but how else does a person find out?
All I know is that my marriage is not in a good place and hasn't been for a while. I also know, if my H is cheating, I am at least half responsible. I don't know what he found that attracted him to her. It could be anything. I don't know how to get past this, since he hasn't, nor will, apologize even for the kiss I did witness. If he won't apologize for something he knew hurt me, then how can I ever move forward?
The woman he kissed comes back from vacation soon and what if he chooses to visit her?
I am in such a fricking conundrum that I have no clue how to precede. How can I precede with any action if I am not even sure?
Anyone out there who had an unfaithful spouse how in the world did you deal with it?
Anyone who cheated and had the courage and guts to reply, I thank you!!
Wow... well I just read your post and it seems like alot is going on. If you are having these feelings, there is probably a reason. It could be one of two reasons. He is cheating on you or you are very insecure with yourself and your relationship. No one can answer that for you. I do understand the feelings you are going through. I have been there in my life. I will share with you my opinion and how I dealt with my demons if you want. But only if you ask. I do not want to give you advice if you do not want it. I realize that in this forum I could, but my life and my experience does not pertain to anyone but myself. It worked for me.
Its not about getting what you want, its about wanting what you already have.
My H cheated less than 2 years into the marriage. I stayed and tried to make it work for 5 years because we had a child. During those times, he had 2 EAs (or so he said and he called them "just friends" too). I finally left and we have been separated for 6 months. He wants to make our marriage work, I'm not sure if I do. The betrayal hurts less as the years pass by but there are days when the pain feels so fresh. One of reasons I have second thoughts about trying to make things work is fear of more deceit. Still confused now. Good luck.
If y'all both agree that your marriage is on the rocks, you may want to sit down with him and see what each of you can do to fix it. If he pulls back and does not want to work on the marriage, I would not call that a smoking gun for the affair, but maybe another clue.
When I was deeply involved in my affair, I did not want to work on the marriage. Why would I? If I had a happy marriage why would I need the OW.
But on the flipside, men usually don't like to talk about emotional or marital problems anyway.
If my wife has flat out asked me, I would have lied. I was already living a lie. What is one more.
I know when my wife and I first started having problems years ago, I probably gave her clues that I was having an affair. I was not. I just did not want to be around her and I was immature. I did not want to be married and was just hanging with the guys.
However he did kiss a girl on the lips and if I recall you said he likes female companionship. If he is not in an affair, all the elements are there for one to flourish: Free time Unhappy marriage Females The formula is really pretty simple.
May or may not be what you wanted to hear, but I hope it helps. You will have to sift through all this advice and make the decision for yourself. Good luck.
I thank you all once again for your honesty and insight.
Everyone is right. I have a very low self-esteem and am trying to get better at that. I am working out, homeschooling my 3 children, trying to write, make new friends, keep old ones and all of that.
I think my H has had an EA if not a PA with one or more women. I think this: that my H has never loved me, never cared and doesn't now. I was pregnant before we got married and I believe he resents this even now. I think his family thinks I trapped him! Believe me I didn't, I was very honest and open about my beliefs and about birth control.
I was in the emergency one night for at least 6 hours. To make a long story short I had kidney stones, possibly, still don't really know. He didn't do anything, no card, no get well, nothing. His favorite restaurant-the one with the waitress, the boss was in the hospital with kidney failure. We went out to eat one night-to his favorite restaurant and he picked up a get well card for the manager. He gave it to his favorite waitress and talked for 5-10 minutes at least. You know what I get when this happens to me (granted I did not have kidney failure but I am talking about MY H) he yells at me the morning I get back from the hospital! He wouldn't even drive me to my drs. appt. to verify what was wrong.
The whole thing is this: I want my marriage to work but I do believe my H does not love me. I do believe he is having an A. He doesn't want me hanging with his friends, he makes fun of me, to them and the list goes on. He thinks that I am so stupid. How can anyone have a high self esteem if the man I love hates me. He despises me and everything about me. I am sorry to be so negative but this is the truth.
I do appreciate all responses and know that I cannot change him. I can not make him love me or stop flirting. I am getting on with my life even though this sounds horrible. I have started to change and am beginning to like myself but this all takes time. Bear with me and thank you for all your input. Much thanks and don't feel bad for me, God is with me and everything is going to be alright.
I think you have answered your own question. You deserve more than that and the sooner you realize that...the better for you and you children. If he comes around? Well then it is your choice. Take control of your life and your situation. Do things that make you feel better about yourself. Stop thinking that this one person will make you whole. Do it for yourself. The one thing I did learn from these boards is to stop waiting for someone else to make me happy or believing the only way I could be happy is through another person. I love myself. I deserve to be happy, but I am the only person I can look to when it comes to that. Someone told me to take charge and control of my life and my happiness. The minute I did, I could not blame any one else. You deserve that. to be happy. Make up your mind and figure that out. It was not easy for me. It was the best thing I have ever done. Hold on if there is something to hold on to. IF NOT...Find something worth it. You deserve that.
Its not about getting what you want, its about wanting what you already have.
Hello, Thank you very much for your encouragement.
You are absolutely right. I am responsible for my happiness and self-worth and I have put that in God's hands. Who could be better then the Great I Am?
Things are not improving with DR or DB. I have read both books several times and am trying the 180's and tips. Nothing is working w/H. He only seems to be getting angrier and angrier. I am detaching and not backing down. I can't live with a man who does not want me or love me.
My H likes his other women to much and will not give them up. I am starting to be o.k. with that because I know I'll be alright. He someday will have to look in the mirror as well and decide if he can live with himself. It will never be any easier with anyone else. All relationships have their ups and downs and if everyone realized that, there would not be a board like this.
I am truly thankful that I have this board and many thanks to all of you posting here. You have become a lifeline in a time of turbulance, considerable confusion, sadness and grief.
If any one has any 180's dealing with a cheating spouse that would be greatly appreciated. I have read the books and nothing is helping. I want my marriage to work although I can no longer say I love my H. I have 3 children to consider and want whats best for them. They love their dad so very much..
Kissed it seems that you are at times are hung up on wither you H is in a PA or not. You also say that things were bad anyway. Why worry about the A? You already know that there are other problems and that is the cause of your sitch. A or not those issues are still going to be there. Work on the things that you can control and stop worrying about the things you can't.
If you think he is having an A, then just treat it like he is. Anything you say or do isn't going to change that. Knowing that he is and why isn't going to change anything or help in any way shape or form. He has to change that himself. Let him find his own way. You need to work on yourself and what is important to you.
You already said or implied that you have a low self esteem, so work on making your self better. I know you a strong enough otherwise you wouldn't be here posting and talking about your sitch. Make things the best that they can be for your kids and yourself.
"Our life is what our thoughts make it."
Marcus Aurelius
You are absolutely right! There is a ton of stuff already wrong with my marriage. It was happening before the suspicions of an A. I knew it then. I confronted the porn, the e-mailing other women, the pictures, the letters, and the flirting. I grew insecure over that and talked to him about it countless times.
I believe that it was in my face the whole time. I said before and I'll say it again. I don't think my H ever loved me and I have tried. I want so much for this to work but if he doesn't want it to, it won't. He likes flirting and all the rest to much. I am not the woman he wants nor will I ever be. I realize that now, I was always just so afraid to try this on my own.
I wanted my children to have a father, a steady home, security, stability, all of that. I didn't feel it was right of me to take that away. I really don't want a divorce but both parties have to want to make it work eventually. I alone can not keep this together. I will give it my all but if he wants out then I can do nothing but let him go.
I have to stop being afraid of tomorrow and look ahead for today. I will accept what comes and know that it is God's will. I can only do so much and if the end is here, there is not a lot I can do about it. I will prepare myself for battle probably in the courts as well as in the home. It will not be an easy war and one I wish wasn't happening. It is though and I have to face that.
I wish the best to all of you and hope your marriages are going smoother then mine is. Mine just keeps inching towards the crapper.
