Hello everyone, I am new to this post. And to give a quick introductory, here goes my story:
My husband’s affair came to a halt when I busted him in October 2005. I’m not sure how long it had been going on…I suspect two months or less. The gal fell in love with him and he too was telling her that he loved her. He says he was just telling her what she wanted to hear so he could get only one thing from her. Says he was deprived at home and was “weak” when she approached him with all the charm! Anyways……I have been trying to get over this ordeal to no avail. I constantly think about what he did and I get angry. Since I wear my emotions on my sleeve, he can tell when I’m happy, angry, sad, etc. He doesn’t like conflict, so he doesn’t react kindly to my ever changing moods.
Just yesterday we got into it because he was outside chatting with our neighbor (single, female with grown children). She had paid him a compliment earlier and next thing you know he wasn’t around for a while. I went outside to see if he was talking to her and he was. Well…….needless to say I got mad! Then he got mad because he said that he feels he’s always walking on eggshells. I told him that I felt threatened and started getting panicky and that I needed his reassurance. He says that it pushes him away when I act like that. He says he’s tired of me watching his every move and checking up on him. He says I can trust him and that I have nothing to worry about. But I don’t trust him.
I would like to know what steps I can take to start the forgiving process and not dwell on what happened. It makes me so sick when I start thinking about it. Sometimes I can’t stand my husband for what he has done and I find it hard to be lovey and kissy like he wants me to be.
Can you get him into counseling? He needs to understand that the trust has been broken, that it takes time to rebuild and that he must do most of the work to get there.
Hopefully, some wise DB'ers will chime in and give you some sound advice. My 2 cents says he's not fully accepted his role or the damage he has done. He doesn't seem remorsefull at this point.
Good luck - I am sure some DB vets will chime in. Know that you will get great advice and support on this board. I wish you the very best.
Thank you for the quick reply. We have already tried therapy and he dropped out early because he said it wasn't helping but he would stay if it meant a lot to me. He says that therapy has never helped him. I dropped out too because I felt it wasn't changing anything nor making me feel any better.
Find a new therapist, one that is pro-marriage. Have you read up on IMAGO therapy yet? If not, read "Finding the Love You Want" by Harville Hendrix. See if you can get him to read it....it may turn on some light bulbs - it did for me!
Sometimes I wonder if I even love him. Perhaps the hurt that I feel is numbing my true feelings for him. I say this because on good days, my heart is full of love for him. I just started reading Michelle's book....Divorce Busting. It makes a lot of sense. I just don't know why I stay in the dwelling thoughts of what happened. I can't seem to break out of it. It's like it's taunting and haunting me to stay miserable.
Jade, I know exactly how you feel and so does many others. I don't know if you will ever quit thinking of the A. In my case it is starting to finally fade some. I found out about my W's A just after the first of the year and I am know getting to the point where it does not consume my every thought. I think I am finally starting to detach. I can feel it every day now. I am not so worried about what is going on her life. I guess the moral is to hang in there time will heal. It may seem like it will never end but eventually things will get better.
Married 11 years, together 15
Two Daughters 6 and 2
D-day Jan.14 2006
Thread 1
Whew~ I'm glad I'm not going crazy. I'm happy that it's getting better for you. I just don't understand why our loved ones would do this to us. How could they have the heart to go through it? That is the burning question. I hate all this up and down with emotions....one day happy the next day sad or angry.
I'm glad I'm not alone with this experience and have someone to talk to about them.
