sorry but i must have been locked out of my old thread.
w asked me if i wanted to go out to eat at her favorite resturant last night. went and had a good time. came home and i told her i was going to go for a walk. man what a great walk, we laughed and poked at each other, just a great walk. came home and w asked if i wanted to swim for a little bit because it was pretty hot outside. while swimming w was hanging all over me,(i couldnt believe it was happening)was a great swim. she at one point asked my daughter to go inside because she had to talk to me, i thought ott oh, whats to come next. well d would not go inside,(kids you know)so we swam alittle longer and got out. i went into our bedroom and started to change (w followed me)she sat on the bed and pulled me down to her. she started off by telling me she is really having a hard time moving out, part of her wants too and part of her dosent. i told her i understand and what ever choice she makes i support her. she then started telling me everything she would like me to give her in our r. no mind you she dosent open up to me at all, so this is a first. i kind of laughed a little bit and said, those are the same things i want from you, we both want the same thing, so why couldnt we give each other that and start rebuilding our r. she said that is what she really wants to do. she was really sorry for the way she has been treating me and dosent know why i have been putting up with her for this long. i told her three words, because i love you. she then began to cry and pulled me too her. i just stroked her hair and didnt say a word, which is a complete oppisite of me. she then looked me right in the eyes and told me she wants to stay home and work out our marriage, i almost fell off the bed, which she started laughing, and pulled me back too her. what a night. i will not expect anything right now i will just live in the moment, but she might be comming back to earth, this was all her talk, she brought it up and finnaly opened up to me. i hope we can start growing towards a better r then we ever had. what do you think about this?
I think it sounds great shippd, but knowing you, I am a bit worried because I KNOW there will be times in the near future where your W will SEEM to be pulling back and NOT in a good mood, about life, or you, or the marriage, etc. You did not react well to those moments the last time she "came back" so I hope you learned from that and know what you need to do this time.
Please remember last night for as long as you can and believe that beneath it all, no matter what the days following brings in terms of her emotions, or words, that she WANTS to make things work but like you, she has her moments where she just doesn't know how to do that. Support her in her efforts to come back to you by TRULY dropping your expectations.
I will remind you of something that my W told me that litterally is the single biggest factor in keeping me on my DB path. She told me that one of the worst parts of our marriage, our relationship in genreal, is how she was never allowed to be unhappy. She ALWAYS had to be happy because to be otherwise made ME unhappy, upset and angry. She said it was like carrying this HUGE burden around all the time. She said it was like carrying a cross...the cross of my happiness. When I heard this, I immediatly knew what she meant and decided then and there that no matter what, I was no longer going to make HER responsible for my emotional state. I was NOT going to persecute her for feeling down. I was not going to try to fix her anymore.
You know what? EVERY TIME I SUCCESSFULLY DO THAT, and face one of her "down" times that I used to take SO personally, i.e. "if I was a good enough H, she would be happy" or "if our marriage was good enough, she would not be sad" etc, I AM ALWAYS REWARDED by her actually being ok after awhile.
I have finally figured out that IT'S NOT ALWAYS about me, EVEN IF SHE SAYS IT IS. If I just validate her, give her a hug when she seems to need one, and then LEAVE HER ALONE, she usually gets all she needs from me and is fine.
Shippd, I have long thought that your sitch was PERFECT for reconciliation but YOU were a large part of the barrier to it because you are SO attached to your W's emotions. I think if you can recognize that your W's intentions are the same as yours but that she is entitled to her moments of feeling down and confused, then you will do fine.
Please shippd, as we have been telling you, recognize how lucky you are and sieze this new opportunity to show your W that YOU are committed to building this new R with her and how YOU can be different this time.
I really think this is GREAT news and if you seem to be forgetting what happened last night, I will copy and paste it constantly into future posts, lol.
Last thing. Remember that you STILL cannot take everything at face value. Believe the underlying goal she expressed and understand that there will STILL be tests for you to pass.
i do soooooo much understand that now. the one thing my w told me a few weeks back that stands in my mind (a wow moment) is that i have put her up on a pedistal and its hard to live up to my expections. i did not know i did that until she called me on it, since then i am working on not doing that too her. i also know she might change her mind today, but i am not expecting much this time, yea i want to REALLY start moving to total recencile, but i also know that will take time. so yes i feel good, but i will allow this time to heal and go from there. i will just remind myself that from time to time.
wife is doing pretty good. we have been getting along pretty well. i find myself trying to find things that dont exist. checking her cell, and things like that. i want to trust her, but its hard for me. i guess i sometimes feel like im waiting for another bomb. why i dont know. my w is alot better about showing me affection, is very loving and it feels great. i have been gone the last two weekends both times i got home and was met at the door with hugs and kisses. i really love my wife, i hope that what i am feeling will pass. i look at my wife differntly now, with part anger and part confused. i wonder now why she came back, i know i should just be happy, but i still wonder. when she made up her mind it happened fast. she jumped in with both feet, which i am glad, but sometimes i wonder why, after all she told me the last several months. im being honest with this, why am i feeling this way. she is back totally and i find myself shaking my head with confusion. i know you guys are going to say you are really crazy, which i might well be, but what can i do to get over this, with everything that has happened. if you have any ideas tell me.
Try to focus on the positives as much as possible. It is going to take time to feel comfortable and accept this new relationship with your W.
I mean for example, if you are going to an outdoor carnival and there is a chance for rain, you get to the carnival and are having a good time. Do you still worry about the chance of rain or do you cut loose and enjoy the moment? Focus on the positives!
"Our life is what our thoughts make it."
Marcus Aurelius
i have been off the boards for a while now. alittle history: m 36 w 35 two kids s14 d8. in march w tells me she is not happy and wants to move out and find herself. i was dumbfounded and did not understand any of this. after 17 years together with out any fights, i was suprised to say the least. so w moves out and i find this site. april cell bill comes and i find out she is having a affair with someone from work, to this day i dont know who. time goes buy and i gal and try to go dark but she refuses to let me. she begins to contact me all the time and wants to do things together. then in june she moves back home. june was a rocky month, one week after she moves home she wants to leave again, this time because she is confused and needs to figure out things again. i then go dark on her, while she is still home, many people here told me to expect this, its normal, i could not accept this mood and give completely up. tell her to leave that shes right we dont belong together anymore, divorce is best, friendship is over. two days later she breaks, tells me she is sorry and needs me and wants to stay married. so since mid july we have been working on our m. she has been great. very loving and caring. i thought that once she made up her mind to stay it would be easy, but let me tell you its not so easy. i am always reminded of her affair, weather its the radio, a movie on tv, other people going thru the same thing, it seems everytime i turn the corner i get it slamed into my face. i truly love my w and want this to work, but how do i get over all the lies and her infidelity. its hard for me to accept. i trust her very much, i truly believe she is totally back, but i dont know 100%. i find myself looking or waiting for the shoe to drop again, watching every corner i come to, i am completely gaurded, and i know it shows. i would love for the time i am 100% comfortabul with her. i know i have to figure this out myself, witch i am trying, but if anyone has anything for me to work on let me know.
Shippd, good to hear from you, and glad to hear things are going well. I think your state of mind is normal - in fact I have read some experts think it's unhealthy ever to trust your spouse 100%. Think of it this way, it prevents complacency and you will likely be more aware of things you can do to make your relationship better and prevent this from ever happening again. Your semi-obsessive thoughts are normal too. You will eventually get over it if you choose to. You can stop thinking about it by either stopping yourself or forcing yourself to think of something else when these thoughts start. Include your W in it and ask her for her support in your overcoming this.
You're an inspiration to us all!
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
