Would anybody mind to take a look at my thread over in MLC? I am not getting to much feedback and I would appreciate any advice to help me along. My thread in MLC forum is same name: Baby steps or my imagination???
I'm trying to understand this stich, so he's been w/OW for 2yrs? and now he shows signs he wants you back? First of all, I'm surprised that you've hanged on for so long, it almost seems like he has his cake and gets to eat it too, he has her and also gets to have good times with you, is this what's going on? seems to be working just fine for him. If things go this way (with tiny graces from XH now and then) do you still see yourself doing this, for lets say, another year?
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Thank you Cat03. Yes, I think you hit the nail on the head. And I guess, that is why I'm asking for others to listen to my sitch and give me their take. To be honest, this is why I'm asking what would be a good move for me at this point. I'll always love XH and want my M to be restored but don't know what to do for myself to let XH know while he's comfortable having it all I am not. I have no interest in dating or anything like that. And I guess that is why I'm seeking advice. After all that has happen, we are still "friends" and I don't know if I need to be honest and flat out tell him we can no longer have any type of R except for children sake, do I say nothing and go dark, I'm just confused and unsure. If you have any feedback, I'd appreciate it. Thank you Amy
glad you didnt' feel insulted, it's amazing how much we still love them despite what happens. First, get yourself the book "love is tough" by J. Dobson.
Gradually go dark, he is way too confortable and maybe needs a jolt to actually realize: "hey, I'm going to loose her" to leave OW and straighten up.
If he asks why you are loosing touch w/him just tell him that it is too painful for you to go on this way and that you need time to think about the next step you need to make in your life. At the time I didnt' understand it, but that old cliche "if you want something let it go, if it comes back..." is so very true.
You and the kids deserve some stability, he is confortable thus he thinks you also must be, that this is a normal sitch. Well, it isn't and it's time he realizes he could loose his family if he doesn't make the rigth choice.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Cat03, Thank you again...no insult taken...you have to be honest to help someone, right? If you read back in my sitch he is "supposed" to come next week for dinner. I will not bring it up and see watch and see if he is truly serious about coming...he will have to bring it up to me. If it doesn't happen, I won't mention it and I am going to need ALOT of support while I begin to go dark. Yes, what you said is what I was thinking...sometimes by changing your behavior it will "create" a crisis and I pray that it will be in favor of my family. Have a question about going dark, though...I sound stupid but I just honestly don't know...Do you tell them first the "it's too painful..." and then do it or do you just stop being the "friend" and "act as if" he's a casual neighbor or what? Sorry, I just honestly don't know. Amy
honey, it's never easy to know what to do in this situations, no one (but a councelor perhaps) would know what to do, so dont' feel bad, I'm no expert either, each sitch is very different. The fastest more forward way to do so is to have the talk and cut down contact, I'm not saying it's the way you should go, but that that's the quickest way to pull away. Or you could just cut down calls & visits w/him, of course the kids are another thing, they should still be able to call/talk/visit their dad as usual, and then if he confronts you then you tell him why.
I dont' own the DB book anymore, but I'd def. suggest to check out the "going dark" chapter, I honestly forget what it says. Above all, do what feel rights to you. I never believed on counselors nor therapy, but it saved my sanity and it helps our M now, have you considered going by yourself? I'd do you a world of good. I used to go to a woman's group sponsored by the county and it was a life saver.
I did read the part about the dinner, and I agree w/you, dont' mention it if he doesnt', see if he remembers and if this is still an important date for him.
I'll keep an eye on you and keep you in my prayers if you go dark, one way or another you will learn to take control of your life, you wont' be in this unhealthy limbo, you will choose to be happy, you can do it)))))))))))))))))
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Thank you Cat03!!! Yes I was going to christian C and absolutely love her. After I started implementing changes is when XH started taking interest. In fact, at one point he asked for her # and actually called her and seen her a few times. $$$ became an issue for me $80/week and I can't afford it anymore. Thank you for your honesty with me and I think I will let the dinner next week be my turning point...one way or another. Can't keep being in limbo. Thanks again! Amy
