In response to a discussion GH and I were having on my thread about As in good Ms I am posting this excerpt from an article I read on Psychology Today website:
Quote: Here's an excerpt from an article in Psychology Today (http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-1681.html):
"ROMANTIC INFIDELITY Surely the craziest and most destructive form of infidelity is the temporary insanity of falling in love. You do this, not when you meet somebody wonderful (wonderful people don't screw around with married people) but when you are going through a crisis in your own life, can't continuing living your life, and aren't quite ready for suicide yet. An affair with someone grossly inappropriate--someone decades younger or older, someone dependent or dominating, someone with problems even bigger than your own--is so crazily stimulating that it's like a drug that can lift you out of your depression and enable you to feel things again. Of course, between moments of ecstasy, you are more depressed, increasingly alone and alienated in your fife, and increasingly hooked on the affair partner. Ideal romance partners are damsels or "dumsels" in distress, people without a life but with a lot of problems, people with bad reality testing and little concern with understanding reality better.
Romantic affairs lead to a great many divorces, suicides, homicides, heart attacks, and strokes, but not to very many successful remarriages. No matter how many sacrifices you make to keep the love alive, no matter how many sacrifices your family and children make for this crazy relationship, it will gradually burn itself out when there is nothing more to sacrifice to it. Then you must face not only the wreckage of several lives, but the original depression from which the affair was an insane flight into escape.
People are most likely to get into these romantic affairs at the turning points of life: when their parents die or their children grow up; when they suffer health crises or are under pressure to give up an addiction; when they achieve an unexpected level of job success or job failure; or when their first child is born--any situation in which they must face a lot of reality and grow up. The better the marriage, the saner and more sensible the spouse, the more alienated the romantic is likely to feel. Romantic affairs happen in good marriages even more often than in bad ones.
Both genders seem equally capable of falling into the temporary insanity of romantic affairs, though women are more likely to reframe anything they do as having been done for love. Women in love are far more aware of what they are doing and what the dangers might be. Men in love can be extraordinarily incautious and willing to give up everything. Men in love lose their heads--at least for a while."
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
People are most likely to get into these romantic affairs at the turning points of life: when their parents die or their children grow up; when they suffer health crises or are under pressure to give up an addiction; when they achieve an unexpected level of job success or job failure; or when their first child is born--any situation in which they must face a lot of reality and grow up. The better the marriage, the saner and more sensible the spouse, the more alienated the romantic is likely to feel. Romantic affairs happen in good marriages even more often than in bad ones.
My wife peaked in her then current job, fulfilled her dream to have her own house, car, steady job before she's 30 yrs old. Our marriage was good, or so I thought... and then here I was in the DB forums.
Just found out 2 days ago that my H is having an affair (with a woman in a foreign country). Trying to make sense of it all and that article confirms a lot of the things I'd been thinking.
You cannot teach a man anything; you can only help him discover it in himself. Galileo Galilei
Ok muddle, it's time for THIS again, lol. No, actually, I thank you for honoring my request for more info on this subject.
I guess I will just have to agree to disagree with this opinion because I guess I see what's being described here as more of a MLC thing than just an affair, and granted, in MLC, good marriage or bad, bad things can happen.
In any event, as I say all the time, and as you even said, there are MANY opinions on this stuff, some of which I agree with and some I do not. I think this one gets it partially right, but like a lot of MLC material, it paints a picture of hopelessness, something that I think many psychologists are REALLY good at.
It may be denial on my part, but I prefer to believe that there IS hope and that my W is not in full MLC. I prefer to think that there WERE serious issues in our marriage that no matter WHAT the reason she had this affair, need to be addressed.
Can an affair happen in a good marriage to an otherwise "perfect" spouse? Sure, of course it can but as I think I have witnessed on this board, MOST of the time it's not that way. MOST of the time there are SERIOUS issues that run deep in the marriage that if addressed, can bring about some really positive changes and lead to a healthy renewed marriage.
Again, while I don't disagree with this 100%, the mere fact that it comes out and says there is basically no hope in these cases makes me discount it off hand. It's a matter of choice and I choose to have hope. If I'm wrong, well then I guess I donated a year or so of my life trying to prove otherwise.
I'll take a middle ground and say that I think some affairs happen in marriages that aren't really bad but find themselves at a really bad point. I think my sitch falls in that category.
I was trying to start a new consulting business without having much success, we were living with W's parents as a result (which my W hated), I was somewhat depressed because I wasn't making money and withdrew from her because I felt guilty about not being a better provider, and she got a new job that made her feel independent for the first time in our M.
There were serious issues in our marriage to be sure, but the biggest reasons that the A happened, in my opinion, were due to temporary circumstances. I suspect that other sitches fall into this category as well.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
Quote: There were serious issues in our marriage to be sure, but the biggest reasons that the A happened, in my opinion, were due to temporary circumstances. I suspect that other sitches fall into this category as well.
I agree with this. My sitch was 50% temporary stuff and 50% long term issues. The problem I have with that article is that it even SAYS that temporary issues play a LARGE part in the affair but makes no mention of what happens when those issues are resolved other than to say that the family exausts all their energy trying to save the marriage, only to run out of energy. I think that is really short sighted and, again, seems to suggest that there is no hope for many of us. I simply refuse to believe that. Maybe I'm the silly one.
I have to agree with GH on this one. Yes what Muddle wrote sounds exactly what happened to me. I worked out of state only came home everyother weekend. Wife was unhappy with our marriage she started talking with her ex-fiance who is going through marital problems as well. Big surprises that they had an affair. Now that I'm back home wife and I aren't sleeping in the same bed but I do forgive. She still is talking via cell, email & IM to OM. But what can I do I did try the "I don't want you talking to him" routine didnt work. So I'm just GAL and trying to be friends with her.
Oh, and BTW, thanks Muddle for creating a whole thread where we can do this. Now we don't have to waste valuable real-estate on your thread to do it, lol.
My H was working away from home during the week, in a high pressure, exiting job, then coming home to me tired. I would be waiting for him, and of course I started to look very dull to him by comparison. He is now having an affair with a co-worker.
In retrospect it is all so drearily predictable, but I just never thought it could happen to me.
You cannot teach a man anything; you can only help him discover it in himself. Galileo Galilei
