I just need to talk and I have nobody to talk to .. I'm just sitting here crying right now.
My DH and I separated in early May for a few weeks: he was pretty sure he wanted out of the marriage, but changed his mind when I took a pregnancy test later that month and it was positive. Since then, we've been living together, and things have been fine most of the time, but still VERY rocky, which is what tore us apart to begin with.
Let me start by saying that I can't be perfect 100% of the time. No matter how much I love him, no matter how much I try, I am sometimes going to be having a bad day and say something to him with a tone in it, say something snippy, etc. I CAN'T be perfect!!!!!!!!!!!!
Whenever something like this happens though, DH pounces on it. He gets so angry when I make even one comment. Like this morning he asked about a concert we were going to tonight, and I didn't realize he was kidding at first and said "How should I know?!" I didn't mean to start a fight ... I told him that ... but he's so sensitive, he just won't let it go!! I told him I don't want to argue and he says "well then you shouldn't have said that!" I told him I just wanted to have a nice rest of the day together and he said "It's a little late for that now!"
I can't win ... if I say even one thing he's all over it, and sometimes he even says he wants to end the marriage again. I am so stressed, I don't know what to do ... I'm at the end of my rope and I don't know if we're piecing this back together or just fooling ourselves. He gets so mad and just keeps getting madder and madder with every passing hour - he doesn't cool down, the time just gives him more reasons to be justified in his anger towards me.
We're both in individual counseling, and I really want to go back to marriage counseling, but it didn't help us change behavior before (we did it for 2 years), and he doesn't want to go back ...
I am so stressed ... and so sad. And really scared of losing everything
Well you've identified the problem which means your ahead of the game. Although it might not feel like it.
You obviously have a circular pattern going on which seems unbreakable but it is not. There is plenty of advice in DB to help you with this. Just remember that if you do not participate in the pattern then it cannot exist. In other words "do something different"
I might also reccommend "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" in addition to all of Michelle's wonderful stuff. It will help you understand why he reacts the way he does and give you a little empathy in the sitch. But Michelle's stuff will get you on the path of fixing it.
I'm sorry you are going through this while prego, it makes it 2x as hard, hugs))))
Are you happy with your C? is there a path or plan and have you seen results within yourself? I had 2 Cs and only the one we got now produced the results we were seeking, 2yrs is too long not to have helped any (our first C just asked us half the time "so, how does that make you feel?", he helped some but nothing as much as the one we got now)
I also, now and then, get the "maybe I should be alone" sentence from my H, they do that. I also feel that I'm not allowed to mess up but I'm supposed to put up w/ all his crap. I do have a strong temper and fight so much to control it. One thing i did a lot was being sarcastic, I found out that that lead to lots of fights, I stopped doing that. One lesson I'm trying to learn now is "is this worth a fight/argument?" we had a bad weekend and I saw that I could've handled things differently had I just gone along and not be a butthead.
My H is also defensive to no end, I try hard to use a soft tone of voice, affirm that I did hear him and that I just misunderstood him, helped some.
It must be one of those very bad days for us, I also was crying this am, wondering why I want this man that is so different than the man I loved and married. We need a little break, i've calmed down a bit here at work, a distraction will help us see things in perspective.
Please take care of yourself, you can't get this upset while carrying the baby, we have to remember not to let our angry 's set the tone for our attitudes, not to drag us down.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
You have two great DBers giving you great advice. Xue and Cat are right on the money. I will add my two cents. You need to turn things around and the way to start is to stop being negative. I know this is extremely difficult, but it will make sense. Instead of thinking of "losing everything" think of "winning everything". Turn the negatives around 180 degrees and think of how you can win everything...then just do it. Your new positive attitude will rub off on your DH. You will start to feel better about yourself. Just dont give up now. Keep fighting for what you want if it worth fighting for, but do it for YOU. Best of luck to you .
My DH is very needy (basically needing constant reassurance from me), but I accept that about him and am working with it. Things that are important to him are things that I now make a point to do on a daily basis: whether it be telling him how much I love him or snuggling.
I know he loves me: a big problem is all the bitterness he has stored up from our 10 years together. He feels like a very weak person, and that a stronger person would have stood up to me and left me. As a result, it's like I'm paying for it on a daily basis. For example, if I've learned that watching a movie together is important to him, then I do it and tell him "I know how much this means to you, and I love you so much and want you to feel loved and happy." His reaction is "Well why didn't you ever do this before?" and then telling me how hurt he used to be that I wouldn't want to spend time with him in the past. And then he'll say that the only reason I'm doing stuff that means a lot to him isn't because I love him: it's so he won't leave me.
How do I deal with that?!?!
We do have a lot of cycles to break, and we (well ... I) am trying to do that. And I'm trying to remain positive. But it's SO HARD ... and tonight he said that he's sleeping in the guest room and might look for a place of his own tomorrow. I just feel like nothing I can do will undo the bitterness inside of him, and I think he's hanging on to it b/c if he does that, then he feels strong ... and I'm almost 3 months pregnant and I love him and I cannot believe this is happening ... I just want to curl up into a little ball and just melt away.
He's obviously not left the anger/blame stage, (which took my H about 5mths to process) He'd talk to me fine, but later on admited he'd still held onto grudges and blamed me and still thought I was doing stuff too late.
Give him lots of space, even if that means he has to sleep on the guest room or he gets his own place, I was alone w/my kids for 7mths, it was hard but in the end we both agreed our situation wouldnt' have gotten any better had he never left. I learned I could make it on my own, and by the 3-4th month I found inner peace and strenght.
I know it's mind numbing to see yourself in this place, you didn't do anything heinous so you don't see how this can possibly be happening, but this too shall pass, he needs to work it out on his own, nothing you can say or do will make him realize it isnt' all your fault. He needs to see that he also was a part of the problem. Detach, work on yourself, I learned too late that I shouldnt' have made my H resposible for my own happiness, GAL, do stuff that makes you feel happy.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Hey, I'm just popping in with a quick post in order to add you to my Favorites. How is your week? What's going on as far as living together/separate? I'm brain dead from working so many 12's in a row, but will check in as I can and hopefully be able to form coherent thoughts in the near future!
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
Things got better for a couple of weeks, he told me that he was the happiest he'd ever been and that things were going great.
Then last night, the bomb hit. We used to have raucous pool parties every year, and today he said that he wanted a tamer version in a couple of weeks. So he invited a big list of people ... including this one guy who got on my nerves the last time we had him over b/c he got cheese all over his hands, didn't wash them, and proceeded to leave cheese residue all over the house. I told DH that I had to clean the house after he left and I wasn't looking forward to it again. DH just said that we'd tell him to wash his hands. So I was talking about this, and I didn't realize I was pissing DH off and that he wanted me to stop. Before I left the room we even had a quick kiss. A few minutes later I heard the front door close, and his car was gone. He came back about an hour later, ANGRY. Said that he had asked me to stop talking about the guy and that I wouldn't shut up. He said that he deserved better than me, and that I wasn't going to change, and that this was a huge mistake. He's been locked in his office (where he sleeps sometimes when he's upset) all night long. Any time I tried to talk to him through the door and apologize, he yelled at me. This morning he was extremely quiet and left the house quickly without saying very much to me.
I just can't seem to make him happy. My mom's on vacation, but she's coming back in a couple of days because I called her crying tonight. She's usually pretty evenhanded about our problems, but she's so angry at DH for what he's saying to me. She says I don't deserve this, especially being pregnant. I don't know, all I know is that I'm miserable and scared ... and I love him so much and no matter what I do, I can never seem to make or keep him happy. I don't know what to do, I don't know that there's anything I can do. I'm positive that tomorrow will NOT make things better based on past experience ... he will probably want a divorce again just like he's said in the past.
I just want a normal family and to be able to be happy in a loving family ... I want my baby to grow up in a married home. And this is breaking my heart, and I don't know why this keeps happening ... I don't know what to do, I just want to curl up and die. I know tomorrow he's going to say he wants another divorce, and I'm not strong enough for this ... I don't know what to think or do. This is unreal to me.
This is supposed to be the most joyous time in my life (13w4d pregnant) and I'm completely miserable ...
sweety, listen, it is HIS problem, you need to detach, obviously he has lots of issues he needs to confront and he isnt' ready to do so yet.
I could see myself in you, talking about the cheese guy and keep reinforcing how I felt, etc etc. We women tend to do that, bring up a subject and then reinforce it with lots of reasons why we feel this way. I'm learning the hard way to keep it short, I literally close my mouth after I utter the first sentence:
BEFORE:" H, would you take the trash? because it is full, and the stuff is spilling up, I also put some chicken in there and I think it's rotting, so you need to take that out before it smells the whole house"
AFTER" H, would you take the trash out? thanks. THE END.
When we piece together we go 1 step forward, 2 steps back. It's ok, my H also had his moments of "This doesnt' seem to be working, "etc, etc.
He prob needs to cool off and might realize he went to far, he might not admit to the fact but it could happen. If he raises the D word, just tell him that you both need to think abou it a little more, that you guys had a rough time and that for each year of damage you need a month of healing, that things don't get better overnight.
Now get up and pat that belly, you are stronger than this, that baby is counting on you, hugs, no more despair ok?))))))))))))))
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
you're getting some great advice from our fellow BBers. A couple of things I noticed from your posts - you say your H is very needy and you're making a lot of allowances for this (to the point where you're walking on eggshells). I wonder whether this is just feeding his neediness or not? Does his neediness seem to be better since you started making allowances or worse? If it's the latter, you're into a cheeseless tunnel and ought to try a different approach (and keep trying till you find something that works).
The other thing is get a different MC if the previous one didn't work. Resolving circular arguments in an R is such a basic skill for a C to have, I would have thought you'd be able to find one that will be effective - try asking the DB staff if there are any they would recommend in your area
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