I need help. My wife and I have been married for 6 years this June, we have 3 children 5, 3, and 1. I am in he Army and currently deployed to Iraq for the second time. The first time I was deployed here my wife was pregnant with our second child. Our marriage has not been the best of mariages and I have been mentally abusive. I have done everything that can be done to wreck a marriage. I have cheated, abusive, uncaring and I have lost my wifes trust and love. Not to be on the defensive but wife has done many of the same things to me. Including cheating.
Before I deployed last year we were under the agreement that we would get divorced. But after a couple of months we decided to work things out. I went home on leave and it was wonderful. I have never loved my wife more and I am willing to do anything to be with her and stay married.
But to be completely honest, when I thought my marriage was over and I thought I didnt love her I talked to the woman i cheated on her with online and she found out. That set us back and we went back to we would never be together again and she wanted the divorce. I dropped all communicatin with the other woman. In my mistake she hated me all over again.
But after some time and talking to her she relented and we agreed to work things out again. But soon after my leave was over she began going out with her friends. She explained to me that her going out was a way for her to release and to be have fun till I came home. She was introduced to single men and married men and her and her friends began going out. that drove me crazy when her and friends(men and women) began going out to clubs together. She would lie to me and tell me it wass just women she was going out and I found out it was sother men also.
I also found out that she was using ectasy and was smoking marajuana on a daily basis. I worried about my kids and I was sworried that she was sleeping with another man. I began to call her all of the time and then I began to accuse her of cheating on me. And off and on she would say it wass over and that she was gone and that she didnt want to be with me.
The last incident of this was 3 days ago and she went to my unit and demanded that they send her back because we are stationed in germany. She has blown so much money over the last 4 months that she has completely broke us.
But during those times that she said it was over rin the last 4 months a few days later she said we would work things out and that she loved me.
But this time, I dont believe there is anything that I can do to change her mind. Her mind is completely made up. She still picks up the phone every time that I call and she still gets online with me when I ask. She says for me to give up hope that we will ever be together. i asked her if she believed that I lover her and she said yes. i ahve assked her before and she said she didnt think that I really loved her. I swear to God and on everything that I lvoe that I have changed and am completely committed to making her happy and to our family. but she says that there will never be an us.
She has told me that she wants to be happy, home, money , cars, and a career. That she wanst to be with someone who doesnt just sit on the couch or never wants to go out and do anything. I have had the biggest wake up call of my life and all of the things that she wants are the same things that want. But she says she doesnt want them with me.
She wont entertain any thought of us being together. I have called and begged and cried. I feel so worthless because I have blown my marriage. I have really loved her with all of my heart for the entire time that we have been together but because of my own issues I didnt show it in any way.
She says that she wants to be gone by the time I get back from Iraq and that she is going to the states. The incident that occured was that I was suspicious of her behavior and I did not have any trust in her. So i called her friends trying to find out information on what she was doing. Her friends told me things and I believed them. I condfornted her with some of the information but I also held some back. I held some back because of the information that I was getting I thought my children were in a dangerous situation and I asked them to find out if any of that was true because I did not want my children to be in that. Bottom line, it turns out that everything that they told me was untrue and that my wife wants to take the children because she believes that when i get back I am going to take the children from her.
I have let my pride and jealousy get in the way of loving the most important thing in my life. She still talks to me but any time that I bring up trying to get together and work this out she just gets mad and hangs up the phone or she doesnt answer and she doesnt love me.
I love her with all of my heart, and people can change. I know that I have changed and that if she would just give me the opportunityto show her that I have. But, it looks like that when I come back from Iraq in 2 months tht my wife will be gone with our children. I live in Germany and I will not be able to see our children on any ype of regular basis because wwe had talked about it and I reenlisted to stay in Germany for 3 more years. I reenlisted in the Army when I wanted to get out becuase we had talked about it and it wass the best thing for our family.
I wont be able to go home when I get back because I used all of my leave becasue a fmaily memeber died and I had to go back home and used all of my leave time. Sshe has spent all of the money and we got her a new car that has spent any money that we will have. So that, I wont be able to afford a ticket to the states for quite some time because I will be making paymenst to her.
I love her and I dont know how to go on without my family. I beg and beg her for a chance to make this work again but she is not going to give it to me. Im so sad and I feel like killing myself so that i dont have to face these problems when I get home.
I blew it and I destroyed the very thing that I wanted in the first place. I wish there wa something that I could say or do to prove to her that I ama changed man and I am totally committed to us. But she wont give me that chance and I dont know what to do. What can I do to get her back?
I am so very sorry that you are having to deal with this while you are deployed. It's hard enough when one is in the same proximity as their estranged spouse.
First, I want to thank you personally for the sacrifice you are making on my behalf and the behalf of all Americans. It is through the service of men and women like yourself that I can sleep in peace at night while you stand watch on the wall. Secondly, I want you to know that I am concerned for you because of your mention of suicide. I understand the pain and anguish you are in because I could have easily taken my own life too on a number of occasions during this ordeal. I want you to know that you can and will make it through this, regardless of the outcome. You are one of America's finest and if I can survive, you surely can. Please promise me that you will seek the counsel of your unit's chaplain or one of the docs before you do something drastic. We all want you to come home safe. You should want to come home safe to the people it means the most, Your Children. Above all else, think of them.
I have asked No Hill For A Swimmer, from the Surviving The Big D forumto drop in on you. He is a Navy Medic and chewed dirt with the Marines. He knows where you are coming from and can relate because he understands, probably better than anyone here, what you are up against and going through. Don't be afraid to drop in on his thread and introduce yourself. I know he would be more than willing to help you.
In alot of ways, this group of DB'ers is like the military, Spoon. We never leave a buddy behind. Welcome to our platoon. We've got your six.
I'll be back to check your OP. Keep your head down and stay safe.
Spoon If you can express your feelings without sounding desperate or begging I do not see how that honesty can hurt however I lost my M so my advice on this probably is not the best.
Stop Wanting her: That emotion will be there for some time and will be increased due to your deployment. You have to fight thru it. When you arrive past this situation good or bad you will end up much stronger. One poster called it the Refiner's fire. Many emotions in a combat zone are enhanced. It's the nature of the beast.
This is what I know not knowing your AO 1. Military has you in a box or specific job. Make it the shiniest box ever and do your best job. Thats a positive. 2. I know the temptation to call and email often. Keep the communication informative and upbeat as possible. No casualty counts ect. 3. Concentrate on the kids. If you can get any local items (plates, flag, currency) send it to them. Kids love that. 4. If you have a good chaplin use him. 5. Stay with this board and get a circle of support upon leaving the combat zone. That time is a challenge in itself.
You are not alone. Keep the bad guys unsafe and it's not about you.
"All I want is a weeks pay for a day's work" Steve Martin
Spoon I have not read your post at all. Your subject line caught my eye. I will read an get back to you. Right now, I want to say that your love for your children must exceed all. You may want to kill yourself, call your spouse, beg her to come home, none of that matters more than being the best, strongest, most upbeat parent that you can. please take care of you and paste a smile on your face. HUGS we are all here for you
Spoon, I guess that you are in a few places on the board. Pick one and stick with it. That’s not a criticism, just the easiest way for you and fellow posters to keep up. Don’t worry we will find you. Go to each thread and let us know which one you’ll be sticking with.
Army lingo, I know none of it, I find it humorous in my sitch as my H is in BCT and I should know something by now. That’s not why I am interested in you. I’m here solely for you. (I hit up NO-Hill for my military lingo)
Here’s what caught my eye:
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I swear to God and on everything that I lvoe that I have changed and am completely committed to making her happy and to our family
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I presume that this means that you believe in God. Get right with Him. Take the focus off your R. Work on you and your relationship with Him. Think of it as selfish if you want, but in the end, that is what is going to make you the best parent providing the best family for your children.
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all of the things that she wants are the same things that want. But she says she doesnt want them with me.
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right now with you being deployed, there is nothing that you can do to go out and enjoy a night with your wife, or let her be jealous in that sense. Ah, but .... we will get there, it’s a little early but honey there is lots of hope. For now keep your eye on the ball. The ball is your kids and God.
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She wont entertain any thought of us being together. I have called and begged and cried. I feel so worthless because I have blown my marriage. I have really loved her with all of my heart for the entire time that we have been together but because of my own issues I didnt show it in any way.
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Germany and Iraq are a bit far apart. Face reality (not to be cold) you are not physically together. If you want emotional connection. That is going to take time, trust and faith. Don’t call begging and crying. Get yourself together. Take care of yourself. You mention your own issues. Deal with them. Whatever they are. Get to the chaplain. Get to the board, get to some help for those issues. Be a parent and forget get about being a husband just for a little bit.
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I have let my pride and jealousy get in the way of loving the most important thing in my life.
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“Pride” I found a great web article on pride. I am not computer savvy at all. I did a link to it in COG’s thread in the separated forum a while back. Check it out. It was very helpful to me. It may be useless to you, but worth the read.
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people can change.
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True You have so much on your plate. You have a reality which not many on this board can relate to. Your changing. Keep that focus. And let your W make her own choice for now. If you call beg or plead all you are going to do is push her away. You’ve got a water balloon in your hand. You can
Gently hold on to it, by basically doing nothing but keeping your hands (heart) open
Throw it.
Squeeze it tightly to make sure that it doesn’t get away
which means that (a) it will pop, or (b) it will squirt out of your hands.
What do you want to do? Think of that water balloon when you want to call you wife. You can call, and when you do, ask her politely how she is doing and then ask to talk to your kids.
I really want to reiterate the request that you go to each thread that you started and let all of us know which forum you will be sticking with. We all care, and we will find you. I've been where you are at when it comes to hoping for advise from each of the forums. we all have, but the advise will come no matter what. You will be able to keep up better, and you are likely to get better more informative responses from other posters if they can follow your thread and know what advise you are getting from whom.
Last edited by HappierAndHealthier; 07/11/0603:55 PM.
I know where you are bud, I've been there too. Let me start by saying it's not over until you quit, so hang in there as long as you want.
I too am in the Army, but no longer on Active Duty. Getting out of the Army is also no guarantee your marriage will survive. Nothing can guarantee that, but there is lots you can do to improve your chances, and it starts with you. Get the Divorce Busting book, open ou ind and read it. I also recommend Men, Women, and relationships.
For me, I just got divorced two months ago. My ex wife and i were married almost nine years. We met on active duty, and left a couple of years after getting married because we could not get the army to keep us at the same duty station.
We both later joined the reserves, and I promptly ended up in Iraq. She also came to Iraq while I was deployed, but she came over voluntarily as a State Department employee.
After I redeployed, she promished she would be home within 3 months. Well, over a year later she still wasn't home and kept extending. I later learned she was having misgivings about our marriage and was avoiding me.
I, like you, loved her more than anything. I still do, and would give up everything I own to get her back. I could not get her to go to counseling with me, or even talk about what was bothering her. She just wanted out. No talking, no explanations, nothing.
You wife is still talking, and that is a good sign, even if she keeps flip flopping on her decision. Let me make this perfectly clear. There is no amount of begging, pleading, persuading, or pressuring you can do to make her change her mind. In fact, those things will only serve to push her away.
You need to change your attitude for the better, let things progress naturally, and at their own pace, and understand she may distance herself further from ou before coming back to you. Focus some attention on the children, and demonstrate you care for them, and her by your actions.
I found myself wishing I had been killed in Iraq because of the grief, but I am glad I wasn't. While going through my divorce, My father was killed during Hurricane Katrina, and my mother was left alone with a destroyed home. Had I not been around, it would have been devastating for her. I was fortunate in that I travelled home just prior to that to talk to my parents about my situation with my wife, and because of that, I was able to spend about 6 weeks with my father before he died. Had I not been going through a divorce, I probably would not have gone home, and would not have been able to see my dad before he died. One small consulation in an otherwise bad situation.
You will eventually discover that there are a lot of benefits you will derive from the painful learning process you are going through. It will definitely change you. I definitely found the divorce to be more painful for me than my tour in Iraq. I'd rather do a combat tour any day than go through a divorce again.
I still have hope my ex wife will see I am still comitted to her, and will open a dialogue with me, but I cant put my life on hold waiting for that to happen. Much easier to say than to do I assure you, and you probably already know that.
And if you have to be stuck somewhere waiting for things to settle down, Germany is a great place to be. I spent six years stationed over there. Get out and build some experiences to share with your kids and your wife. Show them you can still be happy, and invite them along when you can. Your kids will want to spend time with a happy dad, not a despondent one. And your wife will be more attracted to a positive thinking man, than a depressed and unsure one. Not that you'll really be that happy or sure of yourself, but fake it. Forcing a smile will make you happier as people will pick up on your facial expressions, and be more relaxed around you.
Hang in there, and keep your head down. Dont give up. Recommit to marriage, learn the tools to improve your relationship, and use them. Divorce isn't the end, it's just a new opportunity to start over again. I'm working on it myself with the ex wife, and if I don't succeed, at least I've learned tons about myself and what I need to do different next time.
Just remember, with kids in your situation, she will never be out of your life, and you can't look down on yourself for failing. You didn't fail, your just going to the back of the line to to study your smart book and try again. :-)
