Shes leaving. There is nothing that i can do about it. She will be gone a week after i come back. All 3 of our kids will be with me for 5 months and then I will send my daughters home to be with their mother. She intends on having the divorce papers drawn up within 6 months.
I cheated. I did and I ackowledge it. I feel horrible for what I did to contribute to the destruction of my family. She says she does not love me and that she has no interest in me, that we will never be together, so dont bother her with questions or statements to work it out. She just gets mad and hangs up when I do.
I am scared. Not to make any excuse for what i did, but this is not entirely fair. I have forgiven her for her affair. It was horrible. She went out with her friends and I knew what she wass intending to do. I did not think that she would actually go through with it. I called her cellphone while she was getting into a cab with him and I begged her not to do it. She laughed at me and then I heard him laughing also. She hung up and I called her back about 30 minutes later and she wass in his rooom and said that she was busy and hung up. The next morning I called her around noon and he did not have a car to bring her home. So i had to go and pick her up. I heard him asking her if she wanted him to walk with her to where I was supposed to meet her at.
I picked her up, with our children in the back and I was so hurt that I couldnt say a word the whole way home. But I forgave her. Then 2-3 weeks later she told me that she was pregnant. The whole time that she wass pregnant I did not knwo if it was mine or the other mans. When she had our daughter it was a lot to accept. And the whole time, she never said once that she was sorry. I cheated then. And i felt horrible. I did not want to be with another woman one minute. But, every time i would go home my wife would tell me to get out. That she hated me etc, etc etc.
I moved out for 1 and a half months with another woman. Not the best part of my life. I would go home every day to see our children and to beg my wife to let me come home.
She told me that she never did sleep with the other man and that she got drunk and passed out. She didnt and she had not intended to do anything with him. She made me feel so much like a piece of s--t.
Well, anyway. Once i was here in Iraq for about 2 months, she tells me that the kids had their blood drawn today and that she was so relieved that our youngest blood tpe was something because that meant that it couldnt be his. I was floored. She was so convincing in her lie and I totally believed her. I demanded that we get one of those online paternity tests. I went home that night in shock. But I went to sleep and when I woke up, I realized that I truly loved her and that no matter what that was my daughter. I didnt need results of a test to tell me that she is my little girl.
I have forgiven her for this, so why is it not in her heart to forgive me? She say sthat because of what I have done, that it made her not love me anymore. That any changes that I may have made or that no matter how much I love her that she will never want to be with me again.
So I guess Im asking you out there, anyone, is this unsalvageable? Is this a situation that cant be busted? Is this a case that cant be saved by just one partner? Is my life really over?
I go home in 31 days. At that time my wife will leave me and the kids. I have decided what I am going to do. I will have our children for 5 months and then I will take them to their mother. Once I do that, I will go back to Germany and I will take my own life. I have failed not only my wife, but my children and they do not deserve a father like me. I guess my wife is right. That there are better men out there and that they could be better father to my children. I mean I have to see my children and their life is going to drastically change, because of my actions.
I guess I am being selfish because I cant handle the guilt. But, I was thinking about it last night and if I got hurt over here, there is no one that would be able to or want to take care of me. The best that I can do is make it an accident so that I can provide at least the insurance money. My wife will be able to raise our kids in that big house that we talked about getting when I got out.
I feel useless as a man, husband, and father. I destroyed this, I messed this up. This is one of those things that you can never come back from. I heard all of the advice and read all of the information, but I cant move on. I just cant. Cheater, cheated, liar, I did them and I am the cause of not only my own destruction but that of my families. I have inflicted so much pain, but I cant take it.
You last post worries me again. Please talk to someone right now! Take care of yourself. Your children need you alive! You are special and a caring dad. Don't forget that!
I look forward to a positive note when I return from my conference. Please don't be so down on yourself!
We all (maybe just you and me) feel like life would be easier if we were dead. Well it doesn't work tht way - think of the burden you would be leaving your kids and wife. How many issues will they need to deal with if you really take that option.
I hope it was just desperation speaking.
I use to say stuff lke that because I felt pain and did not know how to ease the pain - and I was depressed for a long time - because life did not make sense. It doesw now though - and the only thing that changed was my way of thinking. I have taken the time during our seperation to work on me. I drink to self medicate - to take away the pain and I know I will stop this soon because the pain isn't there anymore just the addiction/habit.
Please read the words that are my signature and really think about them and think about them in your context.
You need to be strong, happy in yourself and by yourself. No one else is here to make you happy - just you
Take time to learn who you are. Socrates said to find yourself you need to think for yourself - think about it!
Read read read - learb from others - the key to happines is to let go of fear and walk toward what you want - and what you want IMHO is to be ahppy in yourself first and then perhaps to find an EMOTIONALLY MATURE relationship with another person who has taken time to work on themselves. To shed their childhood thinking and is able to think in a better, more loving, more confident way.
If your issue is negativity learn to get ZEN with life - it will be what it will be - the only thing that will change your life is to change yout reaction to what happens - see everything as negative and you will be negative and unhappy to be happy is not unrealistic thinking - it is taking the power that lies within you to be resilient.
Have fun, love life, live in the moment (if you don't know how learn to - you can do it - because I have learnt how to- don't fear the future know that whatever life throws at you you can handle because your new attitude will enable you to.
Good Luck - Love your kids, choose life (OK that was a bit corny lol)
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change; (Life, the Universe, other people)
courage to change the things I can;(me, my attitudes, my behaviour, my reactions)
and wisdom to know the difference
Anthony, I found a computer where I am having my conference ....just because I am concerned about you and your state of mind. I wish you could talk to someone who has had a family member commit suicide. I happen to know two people and they are still dealing with the decision of their loved ones. Your children will never understand. Please talk to a chaplain or someone there you trust! Is there a medic who you trust? Life IS worth living even if your wife is not in the picture. It may not seem that way right now. You still have 30 days before you go home. Work on you. Try not to think about the future. Take one day at a time. Please keep in touch.
Listen to me. I have had someone I was very close to commit suicide. It is something I will never get over. I tell my children all the time how wonderful their uncle was and that they would have loved him. I know the pain his mother went through. We all went through hell after that. The guilt is awful. You think you should have known. You should have been able to do something. Please don't do that to your children. Your wife is not worth it. And yes, I can tell you that you can survive this. I did. My ex married the other woman. Yes the pain is the worst but you can survive it. Your children will not survive you killing yourself. If you love them DON'T DO IT!!!!!! I can tell you that your children WILL GET IT on their own. They will know who puts them first. They will not ever hate you. First of all you need to forgive yourself. My ex husband cheated on me years ago and then again a couple of years after that. He left the second time. He divorced me and told me about it after he did it. I forgave him and myself. I have the same unconditional love for him that I did when he was home with the children and myself. Even if he doesn't want it, it is always there. That is how our children and I survive. You teach your children by example. They will heal when they see you healing. I was true to myself and I was able to heal from all the lies and pain. If I did it, so can you. You have to put yourself first. Take care of you. Everyone on this board cares about you. We are all here to help each other. If you do searches on any of our stories you will see that we also thought we could not go on but here we are years later able to use that pain to help others. Thank you for all you are doing for our country. I think it is the lowest of the low for anyone to do this to someone who is serving their country away from home. Please take care of yourself. YOU DO MATTER!!!!
God Bless You, havefaith
GOD HEALS HURTING MARRIAGESwww.rejoiceministries.org
Checking in. I was hoping you would have written something, Anthony. Let us know what you are thinking. It seems to me you are trying to take on the whole responsibility of your marriage issues. It takes 2.
You have forgiven your wife, but you need to forgive yourself as well. Take care, Stay safe. Write soon.
You are right Matilda. It is my own guilt and I realize that some of the things that my wife told me were to push me away and to make it seem as if she were the bad person. I knwo that she has feelings of guilt over this and what it will do to our children, but she feels she hass to get out. I cant makre her stay(no matter how much I wish i could). The know the only thing that i can do is try and to survive this. But also, my own feelings of guilt ate something that i cant get over.
I destroyed everything. I totally hurt everything that I care about. All because of my twisted pride and my own insecurities. I am the lowest of the low. All i had to do wass pay attention to my wife during the time I had with her. instead i neglected my responsibilities as a husband, father, and man.
She told me yesterday that she has been sleeping with another man and that he was better than me. I wass so angry that she was doing this. I called her a piece of garbage. I am so ashamed. I belive that she just told me that to push me away and to make it easierr for her to leave, by having me believe that she is a bad person. WHAT HAVE I DONE!!? This divorce busting thing is not gonna happen for me. But, if you all dont mind, I would still like to post because you all are very insightful and you have been through these things. I wish there wass some way that I could apologize to her and make this better. It hurts that I know what my mistakes were, but that it is too late. i made my changes too late. How can I even think about anouther relationship when the only one I ever wanted was the one I had?
I deserve all of the pain and suffering that I feel in my heart. I desrve to be treated like I am a piece of crap. I am despicable and low. I hurt people, I hurt my family and now I have no family.
