Though I haven't been on here in a while, I need to vent. Hubby and I started counseling with a marriage counselor a few months ago, but not been to counseling lately because our counselor had an accident, and I haven't been in touch with her, but will call her tomorrow to see if she's doing better. Last week, we had sex, WHICH MAKES IT TWO TIMES THIS YEAR NOW, (how sad!), and it was great for him, but he claimed he was too tired to even bother giving me oral sex. Tonight, I wanted to have sex with him, but he didn't say anything, just got this blank look on his face. He's asleep, I'm up.
I know we need A HELL OF A LOT more counseling, as we just got into it, but I am so tired of his false promises (We'll try as much as we need to!) and his rejecting me. This is why I don't even bother initiating sex because I'm tired of being rejected. He will be out of town later this month, and I actually entertained thoughts of having an affair while he is gone. Yes, that's how bad it's gotten. If he's not attracted to me, I wish he would just say it and move on. If he has a low desire, I'd like for him to find out. I am trying to hang in there, but I am becoming more and more frustrated and ready to leave. The sad thing about it is he is doing something called re-evaluation counseling, which is peer-to-peer counseling for free, but HE DOESN'T COUNSEL ABOUT THE LACK OF SEX IN OUR MARRIAGE. I am so tired of this. Like I wrote, I will call the marriage counselor to see if she is well enough to see us soon. Otherwise, I'll just be here, suffering. My husband just doesn't get it.
Quote: I actually entertained thoughts of having an affair while he is gone. Yes, that's how bad it's gotten.
You have my sympathy with regard to your situation, but you don't have my support on entertained thoughts about an affair.
What was it that Nopkins used to say? "An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect." It's also the chicken's way out. If you want to have a sex life with someone, either do it with your S, or divorce him, and find another (in that order). Otherwise, you're not only disrespecting yourself and your spouse, you're disrespecting your lover, his wife and kids (if he has them), your kids (if you have them), your parents (who tried to teach you better) and your god or who/whatever you believe in.
Here's a quote from Rabbi Shmuley Boteach which you might want to share with your H:
Quote: From Schmuley Boteach’s “Kosher Adultery,”: “If marriage is about trust and comfort and caring and being friends, why not just stay with our parents or siblings? Of course it's about all those things, but the point is, it’s also about experiencing the miracles of passion and lust and lovemaking with abandon. As he points out, more marriages are killed by the slow rot of boredom and complacency than by affairs.
Boteach conveys an immense amount of originality in his discussion of what makes marriage work and, conversely, what wrecks it. And what Boteach calls upon as his primary source is the Decalogue, particularly the Tenth Commandment: "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbor's."
This Commandment, Boteach maintains, implies a husband *is* to LUST after his *own* wife. Similarly, Boteach argues that sex is a most holy gift given by a Benign Creator to enlighten and elevate humanity, and refutes the Darwinian message that men and women are mere mechanical automata -- inevitably behaving like animals -- rather than created in the image of God. The business of being truly human, the Rabbi argues, is to transcend our natures: in this case, to be passionately monogamous for a lifetime.
I'm not condemning you for entertaining thoughts of an affair. Hell, I've been there, too. I'm just throwing out some words/thoughts and hope you can maybe use them to redirect your energies back into your marriage.
We have all entertained some not too great thoughts about our marriages, ourselves, our lives etc... However, I guess if it were easy the divorce rate wouldn't be what it is. You have a choice here. Continue your marriage and keep working to make it a marriage that you receive value from, enjoy and can embrace OR don't stay married. There is no in between. Having an affair doesn't solve anything. Fantasizing about having an affair keeps you from doing something about your situation. The very best of luck. We all have weak times. You are having one. Strengthen yourself and decide whether you are staying or going.
