Thanks for sharing your experiences Frank. You paint a very realistic picture highlighting the ups and the downs. I am grateful for that. Thanks again. I may never make it to piecing but this helps anyway.
Even though the events of the past year left us somewhat financially devastated, we're actually having more fun than we've had in a long time, and we're working together to fix the past and build the future
Hey Frank, your sitch is a little like mine, I was also remembering the days before halloween, when I'm pretty sure my H's A got PA and how he went out w/her and the craziness took off big time. Also how we are also in a huge debt because of all he did.
But we DO have a lot more fun together w/what we have, we went to a halloween party together and it felt so good, he was so affectionate like ever and I the fact that I knew what he was doing last year that date didn't hurt me, he was w/me, holding me and having a great time, and he is mine again ...oh, we've come so far, thanks to our dear Lord.
Quote: So it's taking me some time to let that all go
It is such a slow process,but I feel better now, I dont' feel like waiting for "the other shoe" anymore, i'm letting go of my fear, and it feels great!
Have an awesome trip to Disney! have a great time, each thing you guys do together will create new good memories, and by this time next year we dont' have to remember any awful anniversaries anymore
...but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.
piecing after separation
Can you come back over to my sitch and give me some help? If you will, please check out my response to your post from Saturday re: what is going on with me. Thanks!
Praising God Daily, Remaining "FaithfulH" Me: 62 W: 62 D:33 S:30 & 31 Married: 40 Years BD: Sep 2006 Piecing: May 2007 2nd BD: May 2014 Working On It: Today
Thank you so much for your words of wisdom and insight. You really do help people get their heads on straight and point them in the right direction. I'm still learning but you have helped me immensely!
M-35 going on 15 D-8 S- 3 yrs ex-CL(w)- 30
D over one year
I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be. Douglas Adams "Just Be"
Thank you so much for your words of wisdom and insight. You really do help people get their heads on straight and point them in the right direction. I'm still learning but you have helped me immensely!
Thank you for the kind words. I hope you continue to grow on your path.
Faith is believing when common sense tells you not to. -Miracle on 34th Street
To frank_D....you helped to save my marriage. We all go to work everyday...sometimes we get caught up in the hustle and bustle of everyday life. Tomorrow, you should wake up knowing that you made a difference in this world. You may have saved my children years of pain. You certainly have made a difference in mine.
Wishing you Joy and Peace for the holiday season. For now, it's busted.
God bless.
Eastern Frank
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Could you check out kpstan's thread in piecing? I suggested that he find your threads. His XW is living with him and he's just starting out here. Looks like he could use some good advice, and your sitch seems similar.
I guess this is sort of a 'journaling' entry. Perhaps by sharing some of this stuff it may help others who are feeling the same feelings.
Christmas time this year had been pretty down for us. D15 and D11 are 'sort of' excited but they really seem like they don't want to make any emotional investment in the season.
Last year at this time W was 'in love' with OM, had been to see him and was way out there in La La land. We had canceled a much anticipated trip to Disney World due to the D being in progress and during tree decorating there was a few times when D15 had to go to her room to cry and D11 was clearly hurting. W was of course totally oblivious.
Carrying everyone through the season was tough, since I had to maintain a positive or at least neutral attitude all the time even though it hurt a lot inside. W was into the teenage games with OM (who lives far away) like taping mistletoe to her computer monitor when she was chatting with him and other bizarre high school type stuff.
The kids were withdrawn and overall it was a very sad time.
Fast forward to now. We're all back together as a family again, have been for about 7 months or so. For the most part it's been really great. We finally had that trip to Disney World and it was a lot of fun. We're going to make it and we're very lucky to be where we're at right now.
However, Christmas is now here and the total indifference and detachment to it is very apparent.
We decorated a tree and that was not particularly exciting for the girls - not like it used to be anyway. And every year we traditionally watch "A Christmas Story" but this year neither girl stayed through to the end, instead they went to bed early.
Sometimes I find myself recalling 'events' from last year. Her trip to see OM in early december, the constant sneaking cell phone calls, the e-mails, the messaging. When that happens I look at what we have now and I'm grateful, but it still hurts.
W breaks down and cries at least once a week during the holiday season. She sees how we all feel and she feels like she has to make it 'all better' for everyone for all the hurt she caused us. She's very, very sorry.
She can't fix it of course, it will just take time to heal. So I find myself having to support her when she's feeling like she was some evil woman who abused her family. It is so ironic (but understandable) that I had to keep her stable during the affair and crisis, and after it's all over I have to help her get over the guilt for what she did while she was an alien.
We sure do carry a lot.
I'm hoping that the new year will bring more healing and that we can get this all behind us. I don't see posts on this board from people who are piecing and having to work through the healing of their whole family who was harmed by all this that we go through. I think once someone gets farther into the 'piecing' mode they seem to leave the board forever.
I'm not reading and replying as much on the board because it kind of depresses me to see more people joining our little 'club'. More people learning new types and levels of pain. It also makes me remember where I was last year and I really don't like that feeling.
I've been fortunate that some of my stories have helped a few people to find themselves again. Some have even made their marriages work again, others have seen that they will be OK without the crazy person they had been living with all these years. For me, that makes it all worth it.
So, keep on keeping on. Keep the faith and remember everyone, it isn't your goal to heal your spouse, or your marriage. It is your goal to heal YOURSELF first so that it is POSSIBLE for your spouse to heal, and then your marriage to heal.
Once you do heal yourself, you won't NEED your spouse or your marriage any more. You'll choose to pursue it without the neediness and if it doesn't come back you'll know you did all that could be done. If it does return then you'll be in a much better relationship that you ever were before.
...oh, we've come so far, thanks to our dear Lord.
