I'd like to get some opions if what I am considering is wrong?!?
There have been no changes in my situation, more of the same. My W remains out of town (will be a total of 30 days). I thought the distance might stir something up in her. She frequently says she misses me, but does not bring up any kind of sexual related discussion. I told her this a.m. that I just cannot continue like this. She is the one I want to be with, but otherwise I need something else and soon. I have a meeting with the MC tonight by myself and I plan to tell MC that I cannot go on "status quo" permanently. Pre-marriage sex was great, frequent & uninhibited. Post marriage (from day 1) sex is maybe 1x every 2 months and mundane at best. Currently I think it'c coming up on 3 months for this recent dry spell.
Also I plan to discuss with the MC if it's ok that I cut her off. By that I mean defining who is responsible for what and just doing my stuff, giving regular monthly monies - but not one cent more, no extra help from me on her responsibilities and no help on managing her ex-h issues or anything else. Maybe some see this is wrong and I'd welcome your suggestions, but I feel I have to make some steps forward and see if she steps with me or we step in different directions.
I think MC is an excellent idea. As for the plan on cutting her off...I think that depends honestly. Your MC will probably have great feedback for you on that.
Personally, I think you might wait a bit before you take that step. She's been out of town...some men/women aren't comfortable talking sexually. I wouldn't take the step you are talking about until you two have had a chance to speak with you MC together a few times. Trying to enforce that while she's beeb out of town just doesn't strike me right.
I'm sorry...but remindme agagin how long you have been working on this? Perhaps you've been doing this much longer than I'm thinking.
Truman, I am glad you are in MC, but hope the couselor is dedicated to saving your marriage and in helping you to re-kindle your sex life. At the Divorce Busting Center, we have a proven track record with successfully assisting countless people save their marriages and keep their families together. Additionally, Divorce Busting Coaches are experts in the techniques Michele addresses in her best-selling book, The Sex-Starved Marriage. Your coach will show you how to approach your spouse differently and get a more positive response from her. I know you would benefit greatly from speaking to a coach. I wish you the best, Karen
Karen, Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004 karen@divorcebusting.com
Give me a call if you'd like to schedule an appointment to speak with a Divorce Busting® Coach.
Trouble started day 1 of marriage 2 years ago. Before marriage, we had compatible sex drives and frequent activity. We started with Doctors (seeking physical/boilogical reasons) about a year into marriage and found little to nothing wrong there. We have been going to MC for about 6-8 months, once per week ($200 a pop).
She says that she just has no interest. She tells MC that she wants this/that and when I have toed the line, still nothing. She tells MC she feels no obligation to have sex. However; somehow it's my obligation to handle most/all responsibilities of the household and treat her as though we are sexually/intimately connected, even though we are not. It's like I should be satisfied to just take on all the work of the marriage and get none of the rewards.
MC has told her marriage will not survive a "little sex" scenario. She just says that it's up to me, if I want to leave because she is happy. She seemingly refuses to accept that she is causing the problem, even when MC says she is the source.
I'd take Karen up on the Db'ing help she's offering, but I will say this too. Sometimes you have to show the other person that this behavior is a deal breaker for you in your M.
Right now it doesn't appear that there's been any consequences for your W's lack of effort on this issue....so, she probably really doesn't believe #1 that it's the issue you say it is (IOW...she thinks you are blowing it out of proportion), or #2 she doesn't think you'll really do anything about it.
You didn't answer my question though Truman. I understand this has been an issue since day 1 of your M for you, BUT how long have you actively been trying to work on this issue, in MC, when was your first serious talk with your wife about this?
I now do understand though your "living like rommates scenario", but doubt it'll have the impact on her you are hoping for. It comes across as "if you have sex with me...I'll start sharing the money again...tit-for-tat. Sound like anything else you've heard of? I don't think it'll be likely to get the result you want.
What I'd like to know is this...do you know what her love languages are? Do you speak her love languages to her? If you don't know what I'm talking about...pick up the book "The Five Love Languages". I have a BIG hunch the two of you aren't speaking each others languages. She's speaking hers to you...you are speaking yours to her....and that won't work.
Thanks GEL: I thought I mentioned it, but just to be sure...we have been in MC for 6-8 months.
You are right in that maybe I should talk to Karen. At this point, I do not know we are getting anywhere at the MC and the cost is significant. If she does not agree with the MC, she just disregards it. The MC says that neither of us should threaten to leave. My point is that it's not a threat to get what I want. It's like a warning that I just cannot go on this way.
I have avoided the "tit" for "tat", but again I am not considering using this possible plan as a threat or ultimatum. It's that I am tired of carrying all the weight and getting nothing back, not even a thank you. It should be a two way street on work and reward. I am not servicing the Queen B here. Don't get me wrong, I love my wife and like to do things for her...but she frankly does very little, if anything, for me (in the bedroon or elsewhere).
If there is no or little EC/SC, why should I do all this extra stuff for basically a room mate as you said.
There is nothing wrong with telling your W that you cannot go on this way...that is honest communication. That is something MANY of us have had to do to rattle our spouses/SO cages. If you see a D looming if this behavior continues...IMPO that needs to be communicated to help set the concrete in the gravity of this situation. You might even try telling her that if things don't change (and give her specifics of what you mean by that..actionable things for her to do...don't be vague), then you can see the two of you living as strictly rommates (separate rooms etc) and that you know that you wouldn't be able to sustain a M that way, eventually it would lead to a D if that happened. BUT that you are trying so hard to avoid that, but you need her help to avoid it...that you can't do it by yourself.
Mind if I ask what your conversations are like when you do bring this issue up with her? Do you know what your W gets out of this M?
Oh and the stuff I mentioned you should do because YOU want to foster an EC/SC with your W. If you aren't speaking her love languages (albeit unintentionally)...she's not receiving the loving feelings from you (in her language) she needs to want to foster the EC with you and speak your languages in return.
You should do these things because YOU are the one looking for answers, you came here. This isn't a why should I....when she isn't doing? thing. You are here...you need to be the one to try the things you learn here.
FWIW...my H and I have been in MC for over 2 years....things are now much different than they were.
GEL: Thanks for the advice. To answer your question...When I try to talk to her about it, she just says she does not want sex and it's that simple. She usually then refuses to discuss it or discusses it only briefly. At first she said she enjoys sex when we have it, but cannot get in the mood. She later admitted that there were times she faked an O. She thought I was mad about that (I was not). I said that I was only frustrated that she with held pertinent information that could lead to a solution. She says with holding info is not actually a lie...but I disagree. Again, if all the cards are not on the table, there is no way to find a path out of this mess.
I guess that I should buy the love language book, but frankly I see that as just one more expense in the road to no where. Until she is ready to work, none of my efforts matter. This has been my experience thus far.
So I had an interesting one-on-one discussion with the MC yesterday. We went over some of the highlights/lowlights and I asked for MC's general perception of the situation. I was surprised when MC said that the way she was acting is "bs" and illogical. Further that I had made a number of concessions and she has made few, if any, that MC was aware of. Nor does it appear she feels obligated to have a sexual relationship or much else. As a Dr. (also a Gyn), sees nothing physically amiss. As the MC, sees her perspective as "not adding up". As a man, he said I am in a diffiult situation. Then MC said "do you feel like you are being conned?" which is what I have said all along. That once we got married, all the behavior changed drastically. Anyway, in some way I feel totally vindicated by the discussion with MC. Yet any positive feelings of vindication are quickly squashed by the mess I see and the lack of cooperation or forthcomingness (is that even a word?) from her.
1st the book isn't expensive...but I think you've missed my point. If you aren't speaking her love languages...she may never be ready to work with you on this, because that incentive isn't there for her.
Speaking someone's love languages correctly to them can foster that lovong feeling necessary for her to open up, to want to try something just because you asked her to...it can also help open her mind up to things she didn't know she might be curious about.
You are currently in a spot all of us have found ourselves in, feeling pretty hopeless.
Your W may also be someone who truly doesn't have (or recognize)that spark of sexual desire....before you get her aroused. For many LD's this is a difficult thing for them to overcome...it's hard for them to think about having sex when they don't have that horney feeling. They often feel like they have to have raging hormones to go there. Fact is some people don't get aroused intil the process is already happening for awhile....and that is ok.
Oh...and her withholding info from you, is a lie of omission. Before you two can be intimate sexually you are going to have to tackle your communication problems. She's not opening up to you verbally & emotionally...that has to happen she's probably not likely to open up sexually until that is tackled first.
The book I recommended to you has a test for you both in the back of it, to identify each of your love languages. Ask her to take it for fun...to see if you picked the right answers for her....have her do the same for you (and each of you take your proper tests too). Then see if she'd be willing to have a light discussion about the results.
My H was willing to do this because I kept it fun...but it gave me the opportunity to specify things for him...and while I listened to his examples of what fit into the categories he chose for himself I found better ways to speak his love languages too. Heck ask your MC about the book.
Hi Truman, You really are working hard on your situation and I wish you were having better results. If you have been looking at Michele's books or tapes on solution based therapy, and you see the potential, I again encourage you to talk to a DB coach. After the first call, you will have a different way of doing things and you will see a change in your spouse's response to you. I think you may be ready for a different plan! Karen
Karen, Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004 karen@divorcebusting.com
Give me a call if you'd like to schedule an appointment to speak with a Divorce Busting® Coach.
