this is Baffled ... and yes... I changed my name... just didn't seem appropriate any longer...
So as of June 16 I am a single woman for the first time since I was 18 years old. (If you don't count the 2 months 17 years ago... and we won't...)So now I am in the process of moving out... it's taken about 2 weeks and I'm probably, subconsciously, prolonging the time when I have to be ALONE!
I feel peculiar, but I would imagine that's normal right? Everytime I move things into my new apartment -- my stomach hurts. Everytime I do something at the house, I think, this time next week I won't be doing this anymore. And the one thing I keep thinking is... I DON'T WANT TO DATE! I DON'T WANT TO DO ALL THAT RELATIONSHIP DANCING THAT I HAD TO DO WHEN I WAS... geez... in frigging high school! I don't want to deal with it! I don't want to get HURT! I'd rather join a convent! Yeah... just say it... you're cute, you're short... but you're a egg-laying CHICKEN! Arhhhhhhhhhhhhh...
Then, there's the fact that I keep getting all these mixed signals from my H or rather my XH. Hugs, kisses, alot more affection then I've gotten over the last 9 months... he was checking into a job in Montana the other day and told me he was going to call me up and see if I would run away with him and start all new with him! Yikes! I have no idea WHAT I would say if that actually happened cuz stupid, STUPID me... I still love the big dork!
So... I have no idea where this post is going... just felt like I need to let this corner of world know how random I felt life is. You wouldn't think this would be a huge revelation to me growing up the way I did... so why does it continue to surprise me? Why do I keep COUNTING on things in my life? Is it that freaking happy-ever-after fairy-tail crap we've been fed since children. Instead, the end of the book should have had Cinderella and Prince Charming living happily for a while until ole Charming decided he was missing out on all the adoring femaile subjects which landed Cindy and him in court dividing up the kingdom, castle and arranging vistation for the little princesses and princes. Geesh! At least it would have been more realistic.
Yeah... guess I'm sounding bitter. Sorry. But I try to look at the bright side... now I'll have all the time in the world to write... I love to write. Going to buy a laptop, sit in my living room and write my ass off! and I'm going to go get a massage once a month, if it kills me! and I'm going to... well... i don't know yet... but I'll think of some other stuff.. hehehe
Well... thanks for listening.. thanks for sharing... thanks for being... well... just thanks...
I'll be around... and like my XH says... you never know what's going to happen in the future...
PS... for all the women out there... I'm reading this book "Why Men Love Bitches"... not really what it sounds like, just about how to hold your own in a relationship... VERY interesting...
re What_Is_Life he was checking into a job in Montana the other day and told me he was going to call me up and see if I would run away with him and start all new with him
This week-end there will be 10K Harley motorcycles in town. Would your H be on one of them?
News clip: The 23rd annual (H.O.G.) rally is expected to bring in any where between 10,000 and 17,000 riders from all over the nation. And the city is rolling out the welcome mat.
I'm going to... well... i don't know yet... but I'll think of some other stuff That sounds familiar.
Hang in there, you'll work out what you want eventually!
One thing I'm curious about:
Quote: Then, there's the fact that I keep getting all these mixed signals from my H or rather my XH. Hugs, kisses, alot more affection then I've gotten over the last 9 months... he was checking into a job in Montana the other day and told me he was going to call me up and see if I would run away with him and start all new with him!
Have you spoken to him about how this behaviour confuses and upsets you? I recall another post of yours where he was doing the same thing. How on earth are you supposed to get your head around separation when he is giving you these signals? I suppose he could be trying to lessen the trauma for you and is unintentionally sending these signals
to you. I hope so, as it would be very cruel if he was doing it on purpose.
Quote: But I try to look at the bright side... now I'll have all the time in the world to write... I love to write. Going to buy a laptop, sit in my living room and write my ass off!
and I'm going to go get a massage once a month, if it kills me!
You go girl!
It can't come quickly enough
And now you've spent your life
Waiting for this moment
And when you finally saw it come
It passed you by and left you so defeated.
Scissor Sisters - 'It Can't Come Quickly Enough'
Let me reiterate: what you're feeling and going through is perfectly normal-- sad one minute, excited the next... I would suggest you get a journal (or start one on your computer) and just urp out whatever feelings you have whenever you have them. Or post here and then cut and paste your posts into a journal. It will be very useful to go back and read these things a year or so from now.
Don't look too far ahead. Don't worry about dating or anything like that. Just keep your feet and your eyes on the path in front of you. This is a PROCESS not a destination.
Remember to be very kind to yourself and do something loving and caring for yourself EVERY SINGLE DAY. This is YOUR life and you are building it brick by brick, stitch by stitch, lego by lego. You have the luxury now of really considering how YOU feel about something and whether or not YOU want to do something.
Re your H's expressions of affection and comments about running off together, Sparkless suggested: "Have you spoken to him about how this behaviour confuses and upsets you?" I would suggest you NOT say one word to him about how you feel about these comments. You are supposed to be detaching from convos like that, not initiating them. Now would be a good time for you to adopt the strategy I have suggested from time to time to the men on this board, namely, respond to comments from the other party with a simple: "Oh?" if you must respond at all.
Do not get into it with him. Don't tell him not to talk about stuff that bothers you. Telling him that constitutes a response, and you should not be responding to stuff you don't like. It's like calling someone and telling them to stop calling you. The way to get them to stop calling you is NOT to pick up the phone when it's them-- EVER.
Go slow. Do things for yourself. Don't do one darned thing that you don't want to do unless it's for a very good reason involving some responsibility of yours to someone else. This time is for YOU. This is your special time to learn about you and to grow and just BE with yourself, sad, happy, confused, hopeful, lost, euphoric, bored... it's all YOU, baby. It's all good.
I think it is a valid question to ask as WIL still loves the man. Personally I would need to know - and hear it from the horses mouth if there was no chance of reconciliation. Why waste time feeling confused and possibly even hopeful that things might work out?
Just my 2 cents. Only you know what to do WIL.
Quote: Don't look too far ahead. Don't worry about dating or anything like that. Just keep your feet and your eyes on the path in front of you. This is a PROCESS not a destination.
Remember to be very kind to yourself and do something loving and caring for yourself EVERY SINGLE DAY. This is YOUR life and you are building it brick by brick, stitch by stitch, lego by lego. You have the luxury now of really considering how YOU feel about something and whether or not YOU want to do something
Brilliant Lil!
It can't come quickly enough
And now you've spent your life
Waiting for this moment
And when you finally saw it come
It passed you by and left you so defeated.
Scissor Sisters - 'It Can't Come Quickly Enough'
Hi Spark! Your comment to WIL that I responded to was
Quote: Have you spoken to him about how this behaviour confuses and upsets you?
That was not a question posed to him. I read this as she should TELL him how she feels about what he is saying. I consider that to be pretty fruitless. I mean, the woman has moved out-- I think that is a very strong statement about how she feels. And besides how she feels is really none of his business at this point. To me just telling him that she's confused will only open herself to being vulnerable and won't give her any information.
Unless I'm reading you wrong, my impression is that you'd like WIL to find out if in her H's mind, the door is closed and locked as to any future R between them? I doubt if he can answer that right now, and besides, if she insists that he commit now either to ending the R or to future reconciliation, either he or she might change their minds about that down the road. IOW his answer right now to that question won't give her the certainty you'd like her to have, kwim?
This is early days yet. I think this pot should be allowed to simmer for a while without lifting the lid. It's up to WIL to make her choices and decisions for the near future WITHOUT any consideration of what her H's position is. To find out where SHE stands, regardless of where he stands.
WIL, this can be uncomfortable, but an adventure, too! Expect to run through a whole range of feelings throughout the day, every day.
This is what I wrote on chrome's thread about how to recognize when it's your ego talking and when it's your Higher Guidance. Remember, panicky, catastrophizing thoughts are NOT from God/Higher Self. Your divine inner guidance "speaks" calmly and lovingly, without much emotion attached. So if you have wild, scary thoughts, or shaming, failure thoughts, that is your ego talking. Nothing wrong with that as long as you know where it's coming from-- just remember that the ego thrives on excitement, and will stir up excitement just for the heck of it. Your ego is not the source of wisdom. It would be like going to a two-year old for therapy-- not much wisdom there. Dwelling on what your H did wrong, lamenting the wrong turns in the road, "what ifs," "he done me wrong"-- are also from the ego. Not saying it's untrue-- just that it doesn't make you wiser or help you find serenity or find yourself.
Quote: CHARACTERISTICS OF DIVINE GUIDANCE
Charitable attitude- -universal innocence, -always kind and respectful to me and others -anything that belittles is not divine guidance -fair and constructive, not abusive and shaming
Calm -confident -no catastrophizing about danger, trouble -no panicky thoughts
Tolerance -displays little interest in mistakes of other people -criticizing others is ego's way of distracting us from our own need for correction -everyone is entitled to make his/her own decisions and experience the consequences of those decisions -no legitimate reason to interfere with people who make different choices unless it leads to criminal behavior that impinges on the freedom and well-being of others
New perspective or new information -may be surprising or "come out of left field" (because higher guidance view is radically different from ego view)
I love this idea: (even though it's from Dr. Laura )
Quote: Excitement is fear mixed with hope-- the ego craves this
I had a great insight the other day. My life has had WAY too much excitement. As a child, and really through my teen years, I lived in almost constant fear and anxiety. And it occurred to me that when I introduced "hope," into this formula, what I got was excitement. If I can relieve the fear, I can have pure hope... which is what I really want.
Quote: I read this as she should TELL him how she feels about what he is saying. I consider that to be pretty fruitless.
You're so right about this... and it was a trap I fell into over and over for 9 months. Now when he says these things (even if they still do throw me for a loop) I do respond with some non-commentary 'oh' or 'really?' or something similar. You and Spark and Lou are so encouraging, it makes me feel a sense of relief to just read these posts. And since you all are so wise.. I have a question that is puzzling me...
My H and I are now D. Can a D open up a R more? Can that sense of non-pressure to MAKE a R work... actually bring you closer? Perhaps... can there be the need to completely detach, or de-enmesh? (is that a word?) I know that all R's are different. All have their own circumstances. And I have to say, of course, this is ALL new to me. But I was wondering if before there were the 'he/she done me wrong' grudges being held, unforgiveness being stewed over... if by renting apart... it lets out the poison... and lets the healing begin? Just an idea.
It has been a pleasant surpise that over the last few weeks we both (me included) appreciate one another more... see what we saw in one another when we first clapped eyes on each other... along with, of course, the added benefits of already knowing each other.
I'm not saying that I am NOT running the gambit of emotions... tears come for no particular reason... and when I think I should be crying (like my first night alone in my apt)... there were none.
So is it crazy for me to keep that hope alive that we will get back together? I think it would be more crazy for me to lose that hope. But in the meantime; I become stronger everyday. I become stronger for me... and no one else!
And in an aside... I have to say that we are both getting a kick out of confusing the people around us... as in, they know we are divorced but they see us hanging out, shopping, getting along really well.
When they ask what is going on (they believe we should be hostile and hateful toward each other) I smile and tell them... 'well, H and I... we have never done anything the way it's supposed to be done!
Quote: I think it is a valid question to ask as WIL still loves the man. Personally I would need to know - and hear it from the horses mouth if there was no chance of reconciliation. Why waste time feeling confused and possibly even hopeful that things might work out?
My XH and I both have a saying now: "You never know what the future brings" It would do me NO good to ask or demand an answer to the question of reconcilation. I take my confusion in stride. But at least it's a pleasant confusion!
Neither of us can look past today so we are taking things one day at a time. That is all we can do right now.
I think a divorce and the ensuing distance and lack of pressure can definitely make the individuals appreciate each other more and help them remember what they fell in love with in the first place.
And I think this can go in several possible directions.
Some couples do get back together and with their new knowledge and independence, they can make the marriage work a second time.
Some couples fall in love again and get back together and then all the old problems kick in and they divorce a second time. (I have one of these in my family.)
Some become very good friends after divorce and stay that way forever, even after each or both of them remarry. Sometimes the two new couples become very close, especially if there are children and become one big extended, blended family. (I also know one of these personally.)
Some are so relieved that the divorce wasn't as painful as they feared it would be that they do enjoy the former partner's company for a while, but eventually drift apart when it becomes apparent that they no longer have much in common except a shared time together once upon a time.
Some people can be the deepest of friends, but are not cut out to be lovers/romantic partners. Unfortunately in our society (and I've seen it said on this board numerous times) there is a belief that a (heterosexual) man and woman cannot be close friends without there being sexual overtones. I would hold up the sexless marriages of many on this board (perhaps including my own R) as prime examples to the contrary! In our society, if a man and woman want to be very close friends and support each other emotionally, they pretty much have to marry-- we have no other slot to put them in, EXCEPT, ex-lovers/ex-spouses. It's sometimes understood that ex's can be close without being sexually involved. Too bad you have to go through a divorce to be allowed to be publicly close to a person of the opposite sex whom you care for a lot.
If the guy is gay-- no problem! You can be Will & Grace.
So who knows how your story will play out, WIL? The one day at a time approach is a good one.
It's all good. 
Your comment to WIL that I responded to was 
) 
In our society, if a man and woman want to be very close friends and support each other emotionally, they pretty much have to marry-- we have no other slot to put them in, EXCEPT, ex-lovers/ex-spouses. It's sometimes understood that ex's can be close without being sexually involved. Too bad you have to go through a divorce to be allowed to be publicly close to a person of the opposite sex whom you care for a lot.