In a nutshell: married high school sweetheart after college 20.5 years. Have 2 teenage children. We never learned to communicate well. I always used the lashing out, nagging, and outrageous comments always hoping for a response reassuring me. Of course, I never got it. He withdrew (and being military was often gone). I did many of the things I am reading about in DRemedy. 12 years ago I went into a DEEP depression that found me saying out of the blue "I don't love you and want a divorce." This occurred the day he returned from being gone 3 months and just prior I was confessing my undying love. I believe this killed a part of him. I got better and continued to do the wrong things. He just worked even later to avoid being at home even though it meant he didn't spend anytime with the kids. Last August, H said he didn't love me, didn't know if he ever had, married me cause he thought he should (not preg), was unhappy and had been lonely for years! Late Sept. heard a voicemail from OW "miss u." H swore it was inappropriate and gave explanation. Oct.31 I told him to leave after he continued to tell me he didn't think he could ever be happy with me. He moved on base but like a hotel. He came home alot to get clothes... Was in house for 3 days at Christmas and we got into huge argument. I have been very angry and hurt. Feb. he moved into the guestroom to save money. We had sex (not love) and then he started sleeping in my bed (only 2 times.) H would work unbelievable hours (not unusual) but was leaving work and not coming home for hours. H continued to deny until last Wed when I found OW's (also military)text messages. They have broken it off and she is with her family. He informed me last night he loves her but can't and he misses her (they both say it was never sexual only emotional). He "knows" all about her and her family (husband 3 kids) and they just TALK. He has no choice but to see her everyday at work. H says the OW has nothing to do with us because he already had all the bad feelings for years and years. Foolishly, I still love him. We have put ourselves and kids thru this roller coaster. The kids are at grandparents for 2 days. I was there and H called very depressed and lonely. He asked for us to come home. I didn't bring the kids because it was the first we would have seen him since the episode with the text messages. He has been alone before but this time it bothered him because he was missing OW and had no one to be around. We spent the day together yesterday talking about them and how he views our past...A lot of silence, which made me feel like he was thinking about how well he communicates with her and has nothing to say to me. He is coming home tonight for us to have dinner. He says I am too good for him and he doesn't know if he loves me or wants to be with me..... if he would be better alone... QUESTION: Do I ask him to move out while he gets himself together and that if he wants to be open to taking it slow and building a new M we can see each other and talk as often as we want? Do I let him live in the guestroom? In our bedroom? He says he needs time but I can keep subjecting the kids to his erratic in and out behaviors. He had asked for time since last summer and look what he did with it. It has definitely done the kids some damage. They know what is going on, they see it. Do I just let him decide and then what? If he wants to stay, doesn't he have to agree to be open? I know he wakes up everyday saying the same negative things to himself. I have been working on changing my behaviors. I of course did everything the DRemedy says not to do: say ILY, pictures, call family, emails.... Now it is killing me to stop... I just don't know what to do tonight. The kids come home tomorrow.
I wish I had more to give you today. I am just about spent. I hope someone else will step in. What I can tell you is that this is all about YOU and what you will be able to tolerate. My W had an affair for 2+ months, told me about it and continued it for 4 months more. She did not agree to be "open" and I didn't ask her to be. I read DB and decided that this was for me. I stopped begging and being so obsessed with what she was doing and focused on what I was doing, and what I wanted to BE doing in the future.
Hope that helps a little, and like I said, hopefully someone else will chime in with some more specific advice for you.
It sounds like you have been through a difficult time! It is still so raw for me and I just keep hoping it gets easier! I need to read DB. I have almost finished DR. Hopefully, I can begin to focus on the me issues.
Quote: I need to read DB. I have almost finished DR.
No, IMHO, if you read DR, you don't really need to read DB. They are essentially the same, with DR containing some updated and additional stuff.
Now, you said you have almost finished DR. What do you think you should do based on what the book says? Can you accept having NO control over him and instead learning to control yourself?
I definitely want to work on myself. The hardest part right now is he believes he loves her and his mind is completely elsewhere. I can improve myself but don't know how to see him every evening knowing he still has the same thoughts of her, not loving me....... The issues before the OW were enough to deal with. Now it is compounded by the complete lack of trust, the deceit, lies, ... He says he "can't leave me, it has to work, he's trying to do the right thing." Yet, he continues with the same negative thoughts. I just don't know if anything can change if he tells himself the same things everyday and night. I wonder if it would be best for him to be out of the house. Until he can open his heart and head just a little there is no hope. I'm concerned things will just exist like it is. I also know he could end up just missing her more and move on without us. DR doesn't really say anything about if it is better to survive the day to day working on myself or if separation can be more beneficial in this situation. It also didn't really address the "I am in love with her but know I can't be." Or I just don't get it. I am so torn as to what to do. I don't know if I can live like this. I have been for months and just now found out he wasn't trying to get clarity about us during his 3 months away but was having the EA. UGH!!!!
I am so sorry. I understand, I really do. Please feel free to read my threads, as they may offer some insights for you.
A couple of things. Your H may be in mid-life crisis. You said you had been married 20 years, so that could put him in the right age range. The things you are describing that your H is saying sound very MLC to me. Read the MLC board, there is really good information there, and see if it fits. It has helped me be more compassionate to my H, to realize that he is in a big life transition, and may not be consciously aware of it at all. Just that something's very different and it's scary. Try to be compassionate.
The good news is, your H wants to stay home and work on the M. I wish so much that my H was saying that to me! You have children. If you actually work on your M, you have a chance of making a better life for them. Take this seriously. You could change what is possible in the lives of your children and your children's children, by the choices you make today.
Regarding living together or apart: I kicked my H out when I found out about the A, right away that night. In some ways, I wish I hadn't, because lack of contact makes it harder for me to see that we are making progress - it is going sooooo slow, and I sometimes think it would be going faster or better if we had more contact. But on the other hand, in the beginning, I couldn't have DBed with H around. I cried buckets and buckets and was so needy and traumatized, and that would have worsened everything. I don't think I could have created enough space for myself to DB with him here every day and night. So the answer is, it depends.... Can you keep him in the house, but create enough getaways for yourself to become and remain centered and DB? That would be my preference, and I could definitely do that now. The key is, take care of yourself. My advice is though, whatever you do, don't do it or decide anything until you are calm. It might take a few weeks, but try to center yourself. It is the emotional out-of-control decisions that aren't satisfying, IMHO. In most of the books I've read, it says stay in the house together if you can. But don't do it if you can't be civil and DB. Just give yourself a few weeks to settle down a bit, then it will get clearer.
If you can, I suggest you both get to a MC right away. H wants to work on the M. You need tools and support. Catch the wave while it is here. Find a solution based therapist and make an appointment. BTW, don't let money be an issue. It will cost you A LOT MORE if you don't work it out and D. And your kids will pay the most of all.
Hang in there. And keep posting.
PositivelyListening ************************************** When one door of happiness closes, another one opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Helen Keller
