New post for me, feeling like I'm at a standtill and wondering how many others feel same?
quick update: WAH, back now with me 6 months,still MLC, was with OW 2 yrs.
I have returned to Piecing, because we are together now, but so much NOT together. My H is completely silent of his A, any R, any of his feelings, silent. Any others like this?
My H returned home saying "wants to try", but the MC of only 2 sessions did not go well. I have not attempted to push any R talk or MC. How can a couple repair if they cannot talk about what led up to the A?
There are many good things about the point we are at: wearing wedding rings again, SL, calling often, gifts. But the NOT talking is the hardest. I continue with indiviual C, H does not.
Any others feel this way? I can "pretend" we are on the surface happy, but every small attempt I make to initiate communication regarding real feelings is met with silence or it is clear H does not want to "get too deep"
How have others slowly, and patiently gotten a spouse like this to try to start to open up?
I can definitely tell spouse is more relaxed when I am up, when I am lighthearted and confident.....But on the inside I need to heal too and with so much silence I am not sure how either of us can.
Sounds to me like we are in similar situations. My H hasn't had an A (obviously you can never be 100% sure about this), but we have lived apart (because of his work) for a long time. He comes home on weekends.
My H has never said that he "wants to try" but has not "left". We are spending time together with and without the kids. We sleep in the same bed, but he hasn't touched me in 6 months. He kisses me goodnight and goodbye but hasn't said ILY in over 15 months. We talk about going to Europe next year with the kids, doing work around the house and the kids and I are going to spend time with him this summer in the city he is working in. We don't fight and do do little things for each other all the time - same as we always have.
But he won't talk. I have no idea where he is at or why this has happened. I believe it has been in part MLC. Back in February (when I pushed the whole R talk thing) he told me he was only here for the kids, but then why does he spend time with me when he doesn't have to? Unlike your H, mine has not put his wedding ring back on.
Quote: Any others feel this way? I can "pretend" we are on the surface happy, but every small attempt I make to initiate communication regarding real feelings is met with silence or it is clear H does not want to "get too deep"
Wow, this could be my H - he will run if the conversation even seems to be going in that direction.
Quote: I can definitely tell spouse is more relaxed when I am up, when I am lighthearted and confident
I find that this has helped alot to. I'm am very sure to be upbeat whenever we talk on the phone (which is alot) or when he is home. You can see he is way more relaxed when I'm not wallowing in my depression (I have had problems with this for a very long time although it seems to finally be under control).
One thing that I have noticed lately is that he responds differently to the news that friends/relatives have split up. He used to say "that's too bad" or "sometimes it happens". Now he asks "why?". It's like he believes that things don't just happen - there is a reason. Maybe he sees the reasons why this has happened to us and wants to make it better. I don't know. He won't talk.
Yes, it is very frustrating and sometimes I wonder why I bother. But then he'll smile at me or do something nice for me and I know that I will keep going and hopefully he will one day open up to me. Or maybe he never will and I'll have to decide whether I am willing to live with that.
They say actions speak louder that words - the problem is deciphering what those actions mean. Maybe if we were better at that, then the words wouldn't be necessary.
It does sound like our silent spouses are similar in some respects.
After my S and my H's affair, I have continued to see a C, for myself and it has helped, how about yourself? I feel I can look at this horrible A and the last 2 yrs. as a possible turning point and a new start for us. Unfortunately for myself , it took this A to begin any changes. I also believe my H in MLC and I need to continually remind myself this OW was just a short term fix for his own problem and I couldn't fix it.
For several yrs. before his A, our R sounded in some respects like your sitch, very much "in a rut", little to no Sl, little passion or intimacy, but H was involved in the family , mostly on the surface . My H also gone long hours to days at a time with his job And I got used to it and even was glad when the M was down that he wasn't around. I wasn't even sure I wanted to try to change things or how to start. His bomb really hit me and hit me hard to do my own GAL and stand by so many DB principles. I still come to this board for support, and to vent here also. I am not one for wise advice, ( so many others here are!) but a great listener anytime.
You sound very determined, loving of your H and family and patient---so many things I have come to slowly learn the hard way, so you have some steps ahead of me, from where I started many years ago.
I know my own R has much more work to be done by both of us, and I think it goes back to that word of patience. yes I can definitely see when H and I are upbeat, having some fun and easygoing, then I may slip a bit of the R talk in. Do you try to do activities you remember as a couple that were fun or exciting for you both? I found even going to a movie was a start, less pressure, and we could talk about it afterwards.
My H has always been a "no talker", and I am just realizing that some of this is related to himself,and I cannot change him. I am definitely striving to keep my self esteem and confidence as so many others on this board have also strengthened me to do so.
any 180's you've tried with your H that you have found worked? Maybe, not being home to answer calls when he calls you? or having new activities for yourself that you enjoy? My H is the more social one than me, and when we were seperated, the best was when H would call and my S19 told him "mom out with friends, or not sure where or when she would come home"--of course most of the time it was out walking, or movies, but H didn't have to know that. Or I took some new classes and I think it was just enough for H to see me as a confident, managing person, even though I had to fake it so many times. I'm sure you know what I mean. Others on this board reminded me to just be "his friend" but continue to GAL and I think that helped a lot. Sometimes it is harder for me to continue these principles when our H's are at home, rather than not at home.
so here I am rambling again, and glad it is to this board and not to a H who is definitely not up for any R talk any time soon.
Patience seems to be the key here, but what a weight on our shoulders. Sometimes I feel like I really need to shake things up, but am not sure things would go the way I want them to.
I know I need to do some more 180s, but I also know that these 180s have to be for me as much as for getting his attention - probably even more so. This is where I get stuck and don't know what to do. I've changed my hair and clothing, taken a few courses and tried a few different activities for exercise. I try to keep up my appearances, but I haven't been able to lose weight - a huge issue for my H. The new things I have tried have not been things that have remained a draw for me. I even took pole dancing for several months, but my H didn't even bat an eye. I enjoyed it for a while, but then it became boring.
I have gone back to doing more things for my H such as his ironing. Because he is away most of the time (he works in another city) he does his own washing, etc at our apartment but I had the opportunity to do these things because he was travelling to another city and staying in a hotel. That was a 180 for me. He kind of went from surprise that I wanted to do it to expecting me to do it. It has been the same for most things and makes me feel a bit like I am being used to make his life easier.
180s seem to be very important to making them stop and look-and hopefully think. Any ideas would be appreciated. I am going with the kids to see him on Wednesday for 10 days. I plan on cleaning the apartment while I am there and doing some grocery shopping for him. He eats out alot, so I am planning on making meals and asking him to come home for lunch while we are there. His work is within walking distance so we can either meet him or he can come to us.
Don't you wish there was one thing that you could do that would make a huge difference? I think I have focused too much on that and maybe it is a case of many, many little things. One thing I noticed was that instead of trying to get him alone or do things just the two of us, I planned things such as the movies or drives that included the kids. He seems to relax more as there is no pressure to talk or anything else. But at the same time, it gives us time together.
Sometimes I feel like I've done everything I can and then I come and read on these boards and find other things I can do. It keeps me going and moving forward.
