Ready to live together again, but

[NCplayer]

I have posted in the past and continued to read all the amazing stories and the profound effects that failed relationships and marriage have on everyone.

As for myself, WAS left 3/02 (probable EA) but clearly unhappy with my controlling personality. Moved back home 6/03, but never really returned emotionally, most likely because of ongoing EA. I finally had to leave 5/04...just too unpleasant inspite of some trying from both.

Have done intensive Imago counseling since then with fairly important advances and now we have sold our home, bought a new one to start a new life together.

I still fight with control issues...it's just in my blood, and I believe most people would say I am fairly mild about it. She is probably a histrionic and therefore, it is difficult for her to carry on deep relationships with those she is really close to. As you know, OCs attract histrionics and vice versa.

I am not a touchy-feely guy, but I enjoy a good cuddle or back rub or kiss or hug at any time. She, on the other hand, has been fairly uninterested in these sorts of things for quite awhile now. I have tried to express the desire for these kinds of things in our new relationship, but she continues to put up little walls to these sorts of items that I feel are important to a healthy marriage. We occasionally make love, but there still is a distance.

I write this story for anyone's input regarding the final phases of a healing relationship.

We communicate better than ever. She can clearly speak her mind and I now can and will listen in a brand new way. We both are clearly committed to the marraige and it's future.

Yet, she remains physically distant and that concerns me because I wonder if that will ever improve.....I am way past negotiating or asking. I just clearly tell her that I feel uneasy in her presence at times because of the lack of physical affection, and I leave it at that. No agenda. No control. Just how I feel.

Can anyone give me insight as to how we make the final steps to a loving, caring, affecionate relationship? I am ready. She may be, but seems reluctant to show it or is scared to.

All feedback would be appreciated. Thx....

[cat03]

it really sounds -even though you think you guys have progressed- that she isnt' ready.

My H was always all over me, now he barely touches me, we are doing C and our R is slowly improving, we have more quality time together but still he isnt' ready for physical demonstrations. We do ML, but I'm always the one to hold his hand and hug him, I had to toned that down too, he is still trying to find his way back, he has to choose to love me again. He is home and works to fix our marriage, but he has told me he doesnt' hate me but doesnt' ... you know. Until then I have to be patient.

So, give her time, heaven knows I want to hug and kiss my H all the time, but I dont' want to make him unconfortable nor seem pushy. Now and then I do grab his hand and give him quick hugs, I dont' want him to feel caged, so I'm taking it slowly. Maybe when you go for a walk hold her hand briefly, and go from there.

[NCplayer]

Your reply is so spot on! Makes one wonder if they love you at all or are just going through the motions for whatever reason. If they don't love you or want to be with you, why can't they just tell you? Would make life so much simpler. Or, maybe they do love you, yet they are so lost or confused that they are just unable to.

Personally, I am sort of an eternal optimist. My needs are rarely met. I heard the words "I love you" once in the last six months. I do believe we both want things to work out and she is clearly the one who is not there 100%. Does that make sense. I am fully committed and want things to be ok for all the important reasons. Yet she lags behind....as you know, he/she who cares the least controls the situation...I am a little tired of "caring the most"...yet there are always little things that indicate all will be ok one day.

So I live, enjoy, work and play. Hopefully, life will come my way. gnight out there...

[MDM]

I have been reading your posts and I do not feel that I can offer you much advice except to say that it IS hard when you want to be affectionate with someone who doesn't have any interest in it. If your W is just not comfortable with it right now, you have to respect that. I would say that you have to ease back into it and sooner or later she will become more comfortable and it will feel more natural to her. Seems like it would have to. I would be interested to know where that could be coming from. I am sure you would too. Any idea?
I read something in your post that I have never heard of. What is Imago therapy?
That is new to me. I just began seeing a C myself and wonder if this is something I should look into.
I do hope things improve for you. Keep working at it, even if it has been four years.
It sounds like you have made lots of progress.

MDM

[26WhatNow]

Hi Cat03 and NC,

This thread really catches my attention. I am currently separated from my W as of 4/4/06. I wont go into big detail, my sitch is there if you want to look at it, but Cat she told me the same thing. I dont hate you but....Now my W was always very affectionate physically. Lots of little hugs, touches, squeezes, kisses, etc. She would frequently initiate sex. I was more distant and less physical in that manner. Not that I didnt want it, just that it is not in my nature to display in that manner I guess. About a year or two ago when we started having real problems she became a lot cooler and then finally froze. She would not refuse physical contact but niether would she initiate it anymore. Now we are communicating but while she acts in every other respect as if we were still together, she maintains the physical standoffishness. Now of course, I want nothing more than to have her respond or initiate that.

We have been married going on 27 years so it is not as if the infatuation just disipated. I am very happy that both of you are at least back with your spouse and able to try to deal with these issues. I am trying desparately to get to the point where I can return and work on these things. I dont know if that will happen. Anyway, if you havent yet, do a search for COG. He went through better than 3 years of getting back with his wife and finally made it recently. I know that the physical aspect played heavily in his sitch and still does I think. He is an avid poster and writes with passion and clarity so it is a good read. Like a nice book. Check him out and maybe you could gain a little insight from him for your situations. In the mean time.....wish me luck. God bless you both.

[cat03]

Makes one wonder if they love you at all or are just going through the motions for whatever reason. If they don't love you or want to be with you, why can't they just tell you? Would make life so much simpler. Or, maybe they do love you, yet they are so lost or confused that they are just unable to.

I'd thought about that one for a while, (specially since he got into a huge debt that now I'm also helping pay) if he is just playing me, but I know with that kind of attitude we wont' stand a a chance so I have to trust him.
You can corner them and ask them point blank, and destroy all the good work that took months. No, they just aren't ready, I've learned here that love isnt' an emotion, it is a decision and they are still out of sorts, still remember the bad parts of the marriage, and only time and our good attitude will help.

I do hurt often, would love to have him caressing me or tell me ILY (I honestly dont' remember the last time I heard those words, last summer?)
But I know that we are moving forward, slowly but we are working on us.

Hey 26Wnow, I so understand what you mean, now that she is gone you want to show her how much she means to you (my sitch is similar to yours, he iniciated, then a few months before he left he stopped coming to me)
My H needed at least 5mths for the anger/blame phase to go away, so your W might still be there. It was awful the first months after my H lelft, he barely looked at me, the same man who adored me and bought me the prettiest gifts and sweeted cards looked at me like I had the plague.
My prayers your way 26))))))))))))

[26WhatNow]

My H needed at least 5mths for the anger/blame phase to go away, so your W might still be there.

Thanks Cat,
That really helps me. Its funny how something as seemingly insignificant as a statement like you made above can mean so much from a hope standpoint to those of us fresh to this. I guess it shows how much words can hurt.........and heal. Thank You.

[cat03]

you are welcome 26. It isn't an easy road and I sure as heck wish I'd known more about MLC those first months, but I pulled through, so will you. Focus on yourself and don't believe half of what she says, (my H would talk about selling the house and getting his share of the equity, even had a lawyer at some point.)
Working out did wonders for me, go running, my options were limited since I was the one taking care of the kids, but I did try to make a life for myself and seemed content whenever I got a chance to see my H. The first months he'd run out of the door as soon as I'd come in, or we'd talk for 10min tops and didnt' hear from him on weeknds. Slowly we talked more, now and then he stayed for dinner.

And when all was said and done, when his scummy friends turned awful, when drinking didnt' get him anywhere and OW told him to scram, he realized that the person who truly cared for him was me.