2nd Time Learning IV

[IWB]

Brue,

You and Simon aren't the first to recommend this. One person who has acted as a counselor did, and also a work associate who has acted as a counselor before. I just don't know if I could ever do this or muster the power to do it

She is very clever about her encounters. Sort of sick in a way since she is paying for his services. Bleh.

[brueniap]

Then leave the "power" in the Lord's hand IWB - you'll know when it's time to do it. I have often thot that if my H didn't leave me when he did we would not have made it back to where we are now. The blessing to my story is that I truly believe that our separation is what is bringing us back together. This journey we've both been on, tho different for each of us - is causing a healing much faster than the very slow growth we were having trying to do it on our own while living together.

Not that either of us is in counseling - but in our cases I am seeing that true full dependance on the Lord (at least for me) has shown me remarkable things. I would have missed great life if the life had not changed like it did.

H walking out truly has been a blessing in the major scheme of things and I am more centered and more able to focus on life in a better way then when he was here.

Your eyes are so focused and centered on the hurt and unhappiness in your situation that it is near impossible for you to get up and move on. You watch your saga each day with a lump in your throat - and it is almost impossible for things to change for you. I think you are too close to it for healing to come for either you or your wife. And why should she change. She knows your going to let her do what ever she wants without a fuss. I wouldn't change either if I could have it all on a platter like that. I don't believe marriages are a place to have open-ended affairs. There is no healing in that. And truly I think healing would be faster in a separated setting somehow. Only you can figure how that would be. You could go on like this for the rest of your life.

I know it's hard to make big decisions like this. Put it in prayer and ask God direction. You'll hear that inner voice talking to your. You see confirmation in many ways.

love to you iwb and many, many hugs


brue

[IWB]

Faith is difficult for me lately, and leaving it in the Lords hands has been too. I have gotten better in the past few days, and realize that going through the motions with prayers is important, even though it is labored. My thoughts and actions have not been very DBing like.



Thanksgiving was very rough at our abode, as arguments insued between W and D's over petty things. Her depression was high, and I realized this time of year is difficult for W. Unfortunately, it gets passed down.



W and oldest D got into it, and some things finally seemed apparent. The next day after the fight, W took oldest D to the store to buy her a Christmas dress. To me, it now seems that oldest D controls much of W, and perhaps drives some of her actions. Perhaps this is because she holds so much information about W's goings on?



Several weeks ago there was a senior recognition that I was eliminated from. This deeply hurt, since all other fathers were part of their child's recognition. I confronted oldest D about it, and she claimed I have not supported her. Where the heck did that come from. I have been more active in my children's lives than many fathers. I chalked this up to the poison W has spread about me to the girls, and for that matter, everyone she comes in contact with. This really has hurt me, since I worked so hard to be a good father, and my legacy is ruined. Sometimes I just want to crawl away forever, and I am in a downward spiral.

[Smurf_SMR]

Couple of things I wanted to say, but have to get to work, so I am short of time.

Brue is so right - you'll know when it's time to do it. . You will know when you have had enough. In the meantime I admire your stance.

The hostility your wife shows will cease. Whilst my wife can sometimes still be angry, it is no longer my fault, it appears to be everything else in her life. At this stage it is not helping our relationship, but at least she now sees it is not all me.

I have noticed that with a number of people I have talk to off the board and I see it in my wife. That they look to their favourite offspring as a friend, confidant, and mate, rather than as a parent.

This again will pass, your daughter, as with many of the people I have spoken to, will gradually realise that do not want another friend, they already have plenty of those, they want a mother. But at the moment, until your daughter realises this, she will milk the situation.

Also, many times, I have heard my kids speak, and I think this is not their words, but their mothers. I have learned to let it go and shrug it off. It is hard, but when our kids want and need us, they will come to us.

I think we need to let our children grow and learn, just as we need to let our spouses grow and learn.

Your wife and daughter, just as my wife and daughter, appear to be at the same developmental stage. A nightmare in your and my households, but we have been strong enough to put up with it thus far.

Trouble is we are both in the same line of work, and have over analytical minds. I think this works against us when dealing with MLC.

[poohbear]

IWB...

Just as your W has been projecting her anger at you, your daughter is doing the same. As misdirected as it is, you are an easy target for both of them right now. I know it's hard, bust you must have faith.

Your D is in a terrible place too. She has to live in a house that is divided. Not to mention the stress of her senior year. It may be a long time before she realizes how lucky she is to have a father like you. In time, she will.

Keep your head up Ken. The time will come when everything will be alright.

[IWB]

Thanks to all the reliables that continue to respond to my sporadic posts.

I realized it was not time to give up, and I have been struggling to get the faith and peace back. I was there, but I am struggling with new things.

I am finding it hard to post here too, but not sure why. It always seems like I am complaining, and this is not what I am supposed to do. Heck, I am not even supposed to complain in my prayers.

I got some bad news at the doctor that my blood sugar has been out of control. I have been watching the diet, and working out, but still it is crazy. I went to the doctor on a followup and basically threw my hands in the air, saying there was nothing more I could do. He perscribed a medicine I need to inject in my stomach. It is not insulin. I really wanted to hide it from DW, since I knew she would react poorly. I went to bed, and she clutched the end of the bed again (yes I know it could have been something else).

FLASHBACK What I didn't write here was how I thought I had given up, and the trouble I found because of it. I won't go into detail, but lets say I was on the cusp of my own Midlife until I backed off and saw it for what it was. I am back, trying, and DBING, but after last night, I am not sure why. I turned everything over to God, and right now I just feel so darn lonely. There is no one to talk to. No one to hold me and tell me everything will be OK, and that it is worth trying and getting my health back. I have been told I don't need that. I can go on without someone to love me.

What else? Yeah I have been trying to hold conversations, but they all end up with the Tattoo Guy, and something about him. That is when I stop, and walk away. I am tired. Tired of all this. Yet, there is no where else to turn. She has every bit the right to stay here, and with my job, and the distance away from work, I can't support my children in another spot. Just more of the same crap I guess in this new year.

BTW, it has been a year since I started posting to this forum, and 15 months since I became aware of the problems. My patience is thin right now, and I am sure my health problems are significantly increased by her attitude and the way I handle it. I know others have it worse, but I feel guilty about complaining because of that.

For all who read this, thanks for spending the time to do so.

[Astimegoeson]

IWB,

I feel a need to respond because the duration of your W's emotional/physical/mental absence is pretty close to my W. My WAW and I have had a disconnect for about 17 months now. 12 of those months we have been separated.

I think your situation is more difficult because your still living under the same roof so the problem is always in your face. Some on here say it's better to stay together at all cost, but I don't buy into that. I think when they say they want space, they really want space. I know for some it's not economically feasible, but if there was any way to facilitate that option, I'd recommend it.

There are a few reasons I would recommend it. In your case the duration of the estrangement and the affect it's having on your physical/mental health is very good justification. I think some believe that if your out of sight, your out of mind. I believe the opposite of that. I've had more positive developments in my relations with my WAW since moving out.

The tension was high when I was living with her. She was always angry, distant, hurtful, and anxious. I could tell that my presence was eating at her. I volunteered to move out because I couldn't take the stress and it was having a negative affect on my mental state of mind. I wanted to give her what she asked me for.

After a year's separation, we are now on friendly terms and conduct our affairs in a civil manner with mutual respect. That may not sound like the fire has been rekindled, but compared to her feelings toward me when I was living with her, it was a HUGE 180 for her. I'll take it. Even if we don't reconcile, we still need that type of interaction to raise our S6 & S14.

As far as my emotional state, it's complete opposite of how I felt just 6 or 7 months ago. I'm very calm, relaxed, at peace, and my sense of humor and zest for life is back with a vengeance.

Just thought I would throw that out for your consideration. It's really disturbing to see you in this sense of despair after so long. You have to find a way to break that cycle. If you can move away from it if even for a few months, it could do wonders for your outlook and possibly help your W deal with her issues as well.


Tom

[Smurf_SMR]

IWB

Good to see you post again, and happy new year.

I am finding it hard to post here too, but not sure why.

It is an odd sensation, after taking a break to get back into the swing of posting. I found the same.

I am sorry to learn of your health worries, you could certainly do without that on top of everything else.

Got to agree with all that Tom has said, I am now coming to the end of this crap. No more am I going to put up with this sh!t. Time for me to bring reality into the equation. Just waiting for the right moment.

How is the relationship with your daughter now? Any better?

My prayers are with you

[brueniap]

I've got to agree with these guys IWB. It's too "in your face" and your emotions and health get the better of you. I am a huge believer in our health being affected by the way things crawl into our brain negatively. It's like gum disease eating away at you til your teeth rot out of your head!!! How's that for an analogy.

I will continue to say - pray, pray, pray! Hold on to God. One day it hit me that the ONLY One in the whole wide world I could trust is Him. That includes me - I can't trust me either - how many times I'm flailing around back and forth. One day I'm up and the next day I'm down. Our emotions drive us crazy. But with God - well - He keeps our emotions calm.

You are down on yourself too much with your attitude IWB. You've got to get out of that. It will only get worse. You know that YOU are your own worst enemy. As for the hugging of the edge of the bed.....I wonder - do you have another bedroom you could move in to? I think eventually you would go to sleep in peace - after you got used to it. You've always said that for the household to split would not work cuz of finances - but I'm thinking that separate bedrooms would at least give you some peace so that you're not laying there feeling bad over her hugging the edge of the bed.

I will say, above all, you need to work on you just to get your health back. Somehow you have to change how you react to things because you are so hurt. I know that posting here can be hard - I've had that problem myself - and I have been watching those of us who have been here the last year or so and see how we cycle. But there is growth. Do not be afraid to post and let us know how you're doing. It's ok where you are - that's why we're all here - to help each other get thru this hand we've been dealt. There are good things to come out of this.

if you ever need to email and talk - you are welcome to do so. I was glad to see you post this morning so that I could know how you've been getting on. Let's see if we can't get this new year out of the gutter and turn it around.

hugs,

brue

[IWB]

2-1/2 Months later and much has happened.

W has moved to the other bedroom and loves it.
I lost my job and am currently in a job search.
DD#1 is failing school.

I have all sorts of emotions, and I find myself in deep prayer quite often. God must be telling me to wait on the job and reconciliation. I feel I need both. Perhaps reconciliation will never come. Perhaps the job won't come until the house is stripped away too.

One message I listened to several weeks ago discussed how God may never give some things, and our lot in life is to suffer some pains forever. Yet, he is supposed to answer prayers as promise if it is his will. Why wouldn't reconciliation of my married be his will?

Yeah, I feel very messed up; very sad and upset. Some days I feel I have lost all, but think and realize there is still more I have. I just don't want to lose anymore, and this is a fear. Am I being punished for disobedience? Is my distrust causing me not not to receive answers to prayers? Is God doing this for his glory.

OK I realize much of this is just rambling, but this is what is running through my mind of late.

I miss sleeping with my W. I miss putting my arm around her, and having her touch my foot from time to time. I miss being loved, and having support for things like job searches, and when things go wrong at work. I know I am supposed to be strong and have good courage. I am trying, and continuing to take the next step.