Well here’s my sitch, me 36, w 35, have D8, D11, W had twin boys when I meet her from a previous marriage which only lasted 2 years, the boys were 1 yrs old when we got together, the boys are now 15yrs old, we have been together for 14 years.
Like all relationships we had our ups and downs, I devoted my life to my family and children, gave up most of everything I used to do, hunt, fish, scuba, going out with friends, I concentrated to much on my career and family, am involved in every aspect of my children lives, from sports to there schooling. I was the cook in the house, I helped out with any chores that she needed, she hated to clean the bathroom, and hated moping the floors, so I did all of that and held a decent job. middle class family.
Most of the arguing that I remember usually had to do with finances, I was the only one bring in a pay check, and even though I make a modest living, we did live pay check to pay check, sure we took our vacations a few times, but she didn’t want to work. And I never pushed her to work.
4 months ago I found out about the A with OM, through a mutual friend that found out and told me. To make a long story shorter, it had started as a EA, about a 1 to 2 yrs ago, and probably turned into a PA about 7 mths ago. This OM used to be an old boy friend back in high school.
Now in the past 4 months, its been going strong, has meet all my children, is spending more time with them, than I am. Its funny how all of a sudden she is taking them Mimi golfing, movies, breakfast , lunches and cook outs, camping, every where with OM, but she never did that much with the kids and me. I know who this OM is, been single all his life, make less than me, financially, no kids, lives in a small apt. and he has jumped right in, being Mr. Dad.?????
She has turned a 180, from a loving caring person, to the meanest person I ever came across, has told me she finally found happiness, found a person who supports her, and they love each other, we are soul mates.
She is acting like a 19yr old, been spending the money I give her on herself, and not on the kids, been going tanning, hair colored , manicures, facials, nails done up, bought a complete new wardrobe , and then calls be up and asks me for more money told me she need food money, I gave her a grand last week and its gone. Found out she started looking for a part time job also. I told her why did she never do all this with me?? And I get no answer from her.
She has become a very anger person, and extremely mean and hateful to me, some of her past quotes was, I hate you, you ruined my life, I never loved you, all you were good for is baby sitting and paying bills. Stay out of my life for ever, I’ll never come back to you. ( what the hell did I ever do )
after some serious thinking, the only thing I could be blamed for is lack of attention, we fell into a routine, work, a bunch of activities the kids are involved in. I should have made more dates with her, make time together, but with me being the only one working, and all the stuff the kids do, it was hard. But I see this now. Should have sent her flowers for no special reason, maybe a note or card left some where, were she would see it, more loving stuff. I also found out I was a very bad listener, I never saw the signs. I feel she is a miserable person inside, low self-esteem . Didn’t work, no career, very , very few friends, no hobbies, she got bored and lonely , had no life, just what the kids did. I spoke with her mother, she told me that ever since her father died when she was 17 she became very distant, very unhappy, never listened to nobody, that’s when she got pregnant with the boys.
I feel what ever problems she had with me will eventually come out in her new relationship, she has not found happiness with herself, but with OM. Now the only time we talk is when she has to call me about the kids, or just to yell at me. I started to just hang up the phone if she started putting me down. She would then keep calling me until I answered again, I told her “ I speak to you with respect, and talk nicely to you, if you have to yell at me I will continue to hang up” her response was I can talk to you anyway I want to. ( she then gets the dial tone again).
I have moved back with my parents home, and the only contact I have with her is only about the kids, I only see her at some of the kids games, I’m my girls softball coach. So if she goes the game I she her, but we do not talk.
She has started not telling me about activities my kids are doing, I would have missed my D11 dance competition last sat. if my D hadn’t told me about it, I found out that she wanted to bring OM to it, but when she found out I was going, she got pissed, the OM never showed up because I was there. I daughter told me this. I told my children that if you want me to go to your activities, then you have to tell me, cause mom will not. .and I might miss it.
I just have to let go I guess, I’ve, been going to the gym 5 days a week again, started fishing again, and booked a hunt in oct. I’m trying to get my life back, I still have my ups and downs, I cried last night and it was the first time this month, so I see myself getting better with time, it just hurts, it hurts how she talks to me and treats me, she feels nothing. Does not care how I feel, I don’t even think she feels guilty in anyway. To her, its love and happiness with OM. I think its really over, she has moved on. And I got to find the strength to move on myself, for me and my kids. Its in god hand now, so please send a prayer my way. And thank you all, this place is great and reading your post helps me greatly.
thanks i could use a prayer right about now, i'll also send a prayer for you too. it just plan sucks, she took the kids away for a week camping?????? ( with OM )so this will be the first holiday i won't see my children. i have pulled totally away and the only contact is about the children. its funny though, if she needs to talk to me she will call repeatedly until i answer the phone. she called me 8 times in a 3 hour span cause i was letting all my calls go to voice mail, and when i did answer it was about if i was picking up the dog. i am only concentrating on my children and myself, working out at the gym has helped me greatly, both mentally and physically. i just keep telling myself i can only change myself, and get my life back in order. so thats my goal for now. i wish all of you here on this board the best of luck, and will continue to pray for my family and all of you who are going through the same ordeal.
Hi, Sorry you're going through this too - noticed some similarities between your W and my H - low self esteem, searching for personal happiness in other people, not in self, being nasty and selfish - wonder if that's the case with all in this group? I suppose they just have to keep getting nastier, otherwise they might feel guilty about what they are doing? Easier to see us as the enemy, because then they don't have to confront the issues within themselves. Maybe we could have done something different - like you, I searched my brain thinking for things I did or didn't do - but the fact of the matter is that their responses are not healthy, we are not mind readers, and they should have been more forthcoming about unhappiness. I don't know, I am willing to take some blame for problems that my H seems to have had with our relationship (he says it was bad - not through anything I did, but because he didn't feel fulfilled - so he says), but at some point, he decided not to love me. He decided not to nurture his love for me, and he let it die. Then, he filled that space with someone else. I think, like your W, my H will never be happy because he is not addressing the true cause of his unhappiness - issues within himself. I guess that is why we have to let them go, not support them in their decisions, not let them treat us like doormats, we have to let them go so that they feel the full weight of the consequences of their actions.
Have you thought about telling your W that you will only give her enough for the necessities, and if she spends that foolishly on herself, she needs to deal with it? You could buy her gas gift cards and grocery gift cards so she can't spend food and transportation $ on herself? Just a thought.
Me:30
WAH:31
M:5 yrs
Tog:6.5yrs
Baby boy (Jaden) on the way - due in January
Bomb: 5/3/06
D official: 10/12/06
Click on my name to find my old threads - couldn't figure out how to fit them here!
i thought about gift cards, but i'll wait a little while longer, if it continues them i'll have too. i just don't want it to look like a control issue. because its not.
she acually called me last night, i have had the worst weekend ever, spent it in the ER at the local hospital, not for me but for a very close friend which had a horriable accident. ( he will be ok in a few months ). anyway she calls me: w: i know you have had a very bad few days, but i'm going to make them worse. Me: what are you talking about. ( how can you make it worse is going through my mind ) w: well the kids are at my moms and at my uncles home, i'm on my way to the airport, i'm leaving for 10 days, only my mom knows were i'll be, the kids don't know i'm leaving. me: i see, you and OM are taking a trip w: yes, i don't know what i want right now,or how i feel, and i can't back out of the trip, i also desearve a vacation anyway from everyone. me: speechless , ok bye and we hang up
i did not ask her for any info on were she is going, nor did i ask her to not go, i don't even know why she even bothered to call and tell me???? she should have just gone,i feel that she probably felt like she had to tell me. for what reason i don't know. and for the comment ( i don't know what i want or how i feel ) bullsh**, don't tell me that, if i were going on a 10 day trip, i'd know exactly what i was doing and wanted. all it did was get me upset, i wish she never called to tell me. i would have rather not known.
