If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.
I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.
Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?
One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with a wooden stake.
If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a good costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife? Trust me, it's not.
I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of money."
Probably the saddest thing you'll ever see is a mosquito sucking on a mummy. Forget it little friend.
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.
I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.
Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.
Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have.
I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like, "Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe me?" or "Do you have that $50 you borrowed?" Man, quit being so cheap!
I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.
How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak.
Quote: For all would be blues performers and songwriters, here is a Starter Kit.
Writing the Blues
Most blues begin with "Woke up this morning..."
"I got a good woman" is a bad way to start a blues song, unless you follow it with something nasty in the next line, as in "I got a good woman with the meanest face in town."
The blues are simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes, like "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town, teeth like a baracuda and she weighs 500 pound."
And remember, the blues is not about choice. If your ass is in a sling, your ass is in a sling - ain't no way out.
Blues Transportation
Chevys and Cadillacs and broken down trucks are blues vehicles. Volvos, BMW's, and Sports Utility Vehicles are not. Most blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state sponsored motor pools are not even in the running.
Walking also plays a major part in the blues life style, as does fixin' to die.
Who Can Sing The Blues
Teenagers can't sing the blues. They aren't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the blues. In blues vernacular, "adulthood" means being old enough to die in the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
Where To Have The Blues
You can have the blues in New York, but not in Hawaii and or any place in Canada. Hard times in St.Paul or Tucson is simply depression. Chicago, St.Louis, and Kansas City are the best places to have the blues. And you cannot have the blues in any place that doesn't have rain (except, perhaps, Texas).
You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is all wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by a dumpster.
Good places for the blues incude the highway, the jailhouse, an empty bed, and the bottom of a whiskey glass. Bad places for blues include ashrams, gallery openings, Ivy League institutions, and golf courses.
Who Can Have Or Sing The Blues
A man with male pattern baldness doesn't have the blues - a woman with male pattern baldness does. Breaking your leg skiing is not reason for the blues. Your leg being broken by Guido the Enforcer is.
No one will believe you have the blues if you wear a suit unless you are an old black man and you have slept in it.
To sing the blues you should be old, blind, have shot a man in Memphis, or you can't be satisfied. You can't sing the blues if you have all your teeth; if you were once blind but now can see: if you have a retirement fund or trust fund, or membership at a country club. or the man in Memphis lives.
Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Gary Coleman could. Ugly white people also have a leg up on the blues.
Blues Beverages
If you ask for water and they give you gasoline, that's an acceptable blues beverage. Other acceptable blues beverages include wine, whiskey or bourbon, muddy water, and black coffee.
Unacceptable blues beverages include mixed drinks, kosher wine, Snapple, and sparkling water.
The Blues Death
If it happens in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, its a blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another good blues way to die, as is the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken down cot. You cannot have a blues death if you die during a tennis match, shopping at Neimann-Marcus, or having liposuction.
Blues Names
For women - Sadie, Big Mama, Bessie, Fat River Dumpling.
For men - Joe, Willie, Big Willie, Little Willie.
Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, Rainbow, Rupert, Simon or Plantaganent cannot sing the blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
You can create your own blues name. Use a physical infirmity (e.g. Blind, Cripple, Lame).
Combine with the name of a fruit (e.g. Lemon, Banana, Kiwi). For a last name choose that of an American President (Jefferson, Johnson, Clinton). For example, Cripple Kiwi Clinton or Blind Banana Jefferson.
Blues and the Computer
It doesn't matter how tragic your life, if you own a computer you cannot sing the blues. You had better destroy it - with fire, with a spilled bottle of Thunderbird, or with a shotgun. Or maybe just get your big, old, mean, mistreatin' woman to sit on it, Lordy Lord! Then, you too, may have the right to sing the blues.
The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration.
The unflinching arrogance of the Bush Administration is prompting the exodus among liberal citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray, and agree with Bill O'Reilly.
Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal-rights activists, and Unitarians crossing their fields at night. "I went out to milk the cows the other day,and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted, and hungry. "He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left. Didn't even get a chance to show him my screenplay."
In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. So he tried installing speakers that blare Rush Limbaugh across the fields. "Not real effective," he said. "The liberals still got through, and Rush annoyed the cows so much they wouldn't give milk"
Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive them across the border and leave them to fend for themselves. "A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a drop of drinking water. They did have a pleasant little Napa Valley cabernet, though."
When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about the Bush administration establishing re-education camps in which liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR.
Liberals have turned to sometimes-ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have taken to posing as senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans wearing powdered wigs, Canadian Immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior-citizen passengers. "If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we get suspicious about their age," an official said.
Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan Sarandon movies. "I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many art-history majors does one country need?"
In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and Canada, Vice President Dick Cheney met with the Canadian ambassador and pledged that the administration would take steps to reassure liberals, a source close to Cheney said. "We're going to have some Peter, Paul & Mary concerts. And we might put some endangered species on postage stamps. The president is determined to reach out."
Posted on her blog today: How to Ruin A Woman’s Sex Life in 30 Days Or Less
I got a phone call from a Cosmo magazine, asking me to contribute a tip for their upcoming feature, "How to Improve Your Sex Life in 30 Days." The title of such a venture already gave me some doubts. I hated the whole notion of tightening up your libido the way you would a set of abs.
After a fruitless conversation, I hung up the phone, depressed by their orgasm-indifferent attitude towards women’s sexual pleasure. They thought improving your sex life meant impressing a man, rather than making a significant erotic impression on yourself.
To comfort my wounded soul, I logged on to my freelance writer chat-group online.
"I always get asked the same questions by these women's magazines," I wrote, in the "Pissed-Off" topic. "I wish someone would ask me how to RUIN their sex life in 30 days."
One of my colleagues, Mary Elizabeth, quickly posted her response: "Who needs 30 days?"
How right she is! Destroying your sex life is a snap, compared to enjoying it. I've devised a list of a dozen libido-killing strategies that any seeker of the sex-free lifestyle ought to be able to accomplish well before a month is up.
Ready?
1) Don't admit your sexual desire
Single gals, go ahead and play the dating game all you want— the important thing is to never admit that you have a sexual interest at stake. Shop for the perfect marriage, but make sure that all your efforts are for romance, or God's will. Follow the "Cockteaser Manual” page by page, and rest assured that none of it will make you hot, horny or sweaty. If you make the right match in the proper state of sexual ignorance, you may elude the clutches of lust altogether.
Some of you bad girls who have been around the block may have dabbled in sexual pleasure in the past. It's time to straighten up and fly right. You're a wife and mother now— do you want people to think you're some disgusting slut? If you don't have a headache by now, start sniffing glue.
2) Stay indoors
This is one of those subtle but surefire strategies to shut off unwanted outbursts of sensuality. You don't want to feel the sun on your face. Remember: it's cancerous. Flowers will activate your allergies. Fresh air and exercise might wake your clitoris out of its coma. (If you're the type to stand in the middle of a storm singing "It's Raining Men," there's really nothing we can do for you).
3) Throw your diary in the trash
Self-reflection is a one-way ticket to erotic speculation. One moment you're innocently recording your dreams— and the next thing you know, your pen is scribbling an illicit fantasy. There you are, acting sexy without even taking your clothes off! It's time to stop "expressing yourself," and begin expressing a little self-restraint.
4) Blame it on the kids
This is a tip for the parents among you. If you haven't ceded your connubial bed to your children by now, you are under the mistaken impression that there should be some standard of privacy in your home. You don't want your kids to think that you actually do the deed, do you? Don't make them sick! If the stork was good enough for grandma and grandpa, it's good enough for you.
5) Remember: Your Body Is Disgusting
Take off all your clothes. Look in the mirror while standing directly under a fluorescent light. Notice any flaws? Of course you do— make note of them out loud, and in writing. Now begin a new habit of mentioning those same flaws to your family, friends and acquaintances every single day. Extra points for imposing your self-deprecating remarks on total strangers.
6) Go on every crazy diet you ever heard of
While you surveyed your figure in your mirror, I'm sure you noticed one indisputable fact: you are grossly overweight. I don't care where you tip the scales— the fact is, you're a fat pig. Get cracking, and start that cabbage soup diet. There's enough liquid protein enema solution for everyone. If you've only flirted with anorexia and bulimia before, it's time to get serious. Did you know self-starvers and bingers don't ever have orgasms?
7) Get religion
Embrace a faith which demands that sexual desire be sacrificed to achieve a higher goal. It doesn’t matter whether the aim is enlightenment, a first-class seat at the pearly gates, or a special appearance on your guru’s fund-raising campaign.
Tired of old-fashioned churches? No problem— plenty of New Age disciplines are just as repressive as their Old Age counterparts. Find one of those cults where no one gets laid except for the old codger at the top.
8) Don't play with yourself
‘Nuff said.
9) Buy something
Did you know that every erotic urge can be repressed by a rigorous round of retail therapy? Don't hesitate to buy things that are advertised as something that will make you feel sexy. These unsatisfying purchases will simply titillate you into buying more— and will never, ever, result in your having actual sex. Go out there and shake your moneymaker!
10) Covet what you can't have
Assume an envious position. The more you pout, the less chance you have of noticing any opportunity that does come your way.
11) Give yourself a label and stick with it
Stop fighting stereotypes and start advertising yours. When you're certain you know exactly what box everyone else fits into, you're less likely to ever get out of your own.
12) Shut up
Talking about sex honestly with other people makes most of us uncomfortable. Get a clue, and stop trying to have that conversation! Talking about sex leads to thinking about sex— and before you know it, you're back to step No. 1: thinking you might like to have some someday! Cut it out. Once you've finished reading this map to sexual destruction, for goodness’ sakes, don't mention it to anyone.
LOL- Well, I've tried at least half of these tricks and I have found that (fortunately? or unfortunately?) none of them work in the long run. You can't plan for all contingencies. You wake up one day and you actually look kind of hot to yourself in the mirror and it's the first warm day of spring and that song that you used to listen to when you "did it" with an old boyfriend comes on the radio and there you are back in horny land again (sigh).
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
