Hi everyone. It's been a really long time since I've been here, but as usual, I gravitate back to this website when I'm uncertain as to what's going on in my marriage and what I need to be doing.
My husband came home in May of '05 after we were separated for almost a year. We almost got divorced in Jan of '05, but he changed his mind and then in May, came home to me. We've been in marriage counseling since November, and in general, I feel like things have been going pretty well, but for the past couple of months he's been stressed out and unhappy at his job and I feel a new distance between us. This time I don't feel like it's "me" or even our marriage, but more like his own unhappiness with his life and where he is at right now. (I guess that's more mid-life crisis stuff, something I feel he's been dealing with for several years now)
I guess my problem is that I feel kind of resentful that he's focused so much on his unhappiness and that he's focusing less on our marriage. At first, he seemed so gung-ho about our counseling and about trying to meet me halfway on things, but now he seems sort of "there" when we're at the counselor, but otherwise, off in his own little world.
I guess when this happens all I can do is try NOT to take it personally (easier said than done) and maybe redouble my efforts to focus on myself and building my own life outside of the marriage.
Still, I'd love to hear from anyone who's felt like this after their spouse came back, and how you dealt with it when he or she was suddenly distracted and unavailable again.
Oh boy. I'm there, honey. I can relate. What has helped me is to realize that it's not about me, it's about him. It is his burden and until he "chooses" to overcome this, it will be the same. In the meantime, I go on with what makes me happy. And you're right, it is easier said than done, but you can't help him overcome this, the only thing that you can do is to be patient. In my sitch, my H of one year (2nd marriage for both and we are in the mid-life crises age), he had an A with someone 20 years younger than him. Do I think it was a mid-life crises, absolutely, and now he is a walking, talking depressed man. Some days he's okay, other days he sees all the damage. I've decided not to meddle but to be patient. If he wants to talk, I listen, if he wants quiet time, I give it to him. I let him set the tone because he has a heavy cross. I have put the A behind me (daily struggle, but I'm trying hard) and decided to make the marriage work. It may or may not work, but either way, I leave in great shape - nothing to be ashamed of. I don't know why you and your H were separated, but my H and I were too. I left and was gone for almost a year. I'm home now, things are going great, but there are very dark clouds at times. Good to hear that you both are in counseling. Can you go by yourself and express your concerns to the counselor and then when you and your H go together, the counselor could skilfully ease into a talk about depression, because that's what it sounds like - a good dose of depression. Getting older is no fun, especially when things got screwed up and everything that you've worked for, character, respect, honor and admiration are now all out the window because you screwed up, big time. It's hard to overcome, but it can be done. For your H's sake and your family, find some help for your H before he makes a decision that will affect so many lives.
Remember, you take care of yourself. You must be strong right now because you are going to have to carry the load for now.
Hi Tracy, I might've as well sign my name instead of yours at the bottom of your post, my H was acting the very same way, his unhapiness still lingers and tells me he still feels lonely, something I resent but must face that it isnt' my fault and that it is his inner demons that he has to conquer.
Gwyn has great advice, it's like when they were gone and we sort of had to detach and not let their behavior set a pace for ours, I'm struggling big time with that concept too, I sort of expected him to just hug me and tell me he loves me... I know right now he doesnt' "hate" me but....
We are doing counceling as well, have you had a one-on-one with your MC yet? if not, each of you need to do so in order for 1. You to learn to cope with your H's feelings and 2. For him to talk about his depression with the MC.
I also felt that in the pursuit of his new job and of himself, I'm 3rd on the list and it hurts, I feel like I should be #1. Well, it aint' gonna happen right now, I'm sure you, like me, was hoping with all your heart for him to come back during those awful months they left, so it was a huge step they took by coming back and we should remember that. Also that the hard work continues for us.
Let's pray for us to detach and give them space, to bear with their moodiness and to remember that we've become better persons by this trial and that we are working for something worthwhile, that there are bound to be ups and downs.
Hang in there))))))) you can read my thread for great input from others on this very same subject.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Tracy, I'm another poster who's been gone from these boards awhile and do come back, feeling many exact feelings of yourselves.
Great advice Tracy, cat, --Can you pound it in my head for me also!
My sitch is also so familiar. WAH, MLC, A with OW 2yrs.--I must remind myself and also struggle with daily H chose ME to come back to 6 months ago. With our present R, I have great difficulty with forgiveness and I am still blaming H. He is doing so many 'right things' by his actions, but totally , and I mean completely nonspeaking of his A, the OW, the whys?, --actually everything. His guilt and depression are harder to handle when we the LB spouse feel we were wronged. For about a year, I actually pictured us running in a field in slow motion to each others arms and a reunion where we just totally adored each other all day and night------well we all know that will never happen, but I am a better person through all this, just like we all are learning about our resilience.
We tried MC, for exactly 2 sessions, and H literally hung his head in silence.--so I definitely will not push for that. I am realizing how much his guilt, and own issues are not enabling him to talk, but every so often I get rare bits, and want H to know I will be there to listen. Very strange that I only am realizing this now, --I am married 26yrs! and finding out so much about myself and H after all this time.
I am also struggling with forgiveness, yes it is a dark cloud over me that I want to get rid of. I keep thinking if we cannot talk about the A and what led up to it, how it ended, what was she that I was/am not? --that I/ We would not have closure. still not sure.
I am trying to focus on the many positives we have now, small as they may be. My H is a man of actions, not words, and probably many of our spouses are also. The book " 5 Languages of Love", is a definite enlightment for myself. I always assumed what I needed or wanted from my H, was the same for us both.
Now I am still working on patience, and I think my roller coaster may have less downhills if I can also work on forgiveness and just release this OW and A out of my mind. Yes, it would be a great gift for ourselves. I am trying to replace just simple joys with the dark thoughts.
for example: If an OW thought comes in my head, I try to deliberately think of H & I sitting by a fire, quietly. just being together. or picture H & I walking on a beach. Sort of the same "obcessive" techniques we were told on these boards on how to stop the OW from taking over our brains. I still need to be very deliberate and push her out of my head, maybe someday she and the A will only briefly come through, but for now it is a conscious mind game with her.
That's why I have decided to keep up again with the support here, Wishing you all strength and patience too.
Put me in the group with you all. I have those very same feelings that everyone posted about. That dream of being in love again with H. Instead we seem to have a moody man who appears to be trying sometimes but leaves us feeling unsure.
It does make me feel better to read about others who feel as I do. I am trying to have no expectations but sometimes I feel like we are "stuck".
My thread is over on MLC, also posted one here but my H of 21 yrs had 2 yr affair, it ended and he tried to start with OW#2. For 1 month has said he wants marriage to work. (have tried in past but always with OW too.)
Anyway, I just wonder how long these feelings last. They say this is the hardest part and maybe so. I'd like to hear from someone who is much farther along than us, just for reassurance.
wed2
wed2alien
Both 49, M 23 years 3 teens April 2004- bomb, moved out April 2006-Ended with OW for the LAST time May 2006- He wants to work on the marriage!! Nov 2006-- Moved home May 2008- Things still getting better
Quote: We tried MC, for exactly 2 sessions, and H literally hung his head in silence.--so I definitely will not push for that. I am realizing how much his guilt, and own issues are not enabling him to talk...
I am also struggling with forgiveness, yes it is a dark cloud over me that I want to get rid of. I keep thinking if we cannot talk about the A and what led up to it, how it ended, what was she that I was/am not? --that I/ We would not have closure. still not sure.
You are so very right by waiting on MC, we also tried MC early on, though a few good things came out of it was way too early as my H was in no shape to open up, his mind was still in mars and it was almost impossible to get anything out if him, we discontinued MC for a while (we have a new MC now)
About the A, my H also refuses altogether to talk about it at all, he keeps saying how he struggled to put it behind him and that he doesn't want to bring it back again. Yes, us women do think will help to know all the details, but honestly, they won't (yes, it baffles me how a person so adverse to overweight people choose someone "bigger" than me but I'll let that pass) Trust me, last week I found a letter from H that he wrote thinking of OW, even though we'd agree weeks before not to bring up A ever it open that wound horribly. I learned about things they did together and read him saying how he loved her smile, yada yada etc, and it just about drove me insane with jelousy, rage, you name it. It won't help, more questions will come up (when I found about OW the first time he said a few things which made want to ask more and more questions which made matters much worse) Our R with our Hs are just trying to grow again, bringing OWs will just open a can of worms that will fester us again with mental picts and hurt, whenever I think about OW I try to blot her face with scribbles, to remember she was just a distraction out of desperation and nothing more, that she is a low nobody who means NOTHING now.
It is hard, but little by little we can/will/should obliterate the A from our minds until it becomes a fuzzy old bad memory.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Sorry to hear that many of us are feeling the same disappointment & continuing discouragement as I. I honestly think I sure must have kidded myself , while we were S and H with OW that, the healing would be easier, once H came home.
I will always wonder---did OW ask my H to leave since she obviously was not getting any permanent commitment? maybe OW found new R for herself and asked H to leave? Or did my H realize he wants to be with me and tell her so?
Silence about this all is my biggest issue and wonder how many other LBS's have this total and complete silence about their WAS's A. and the surrounding relationship leading up to it.. The R silence we have is complete, and H back now 6 months. We are "fine" on the surface, (but of course that can't be!) if I don't mention a R word. Yes, have tried and H definitely runs into the cave. H will come out if I am light, easygoing, nonprying on past, etc. I still look at all the positives in the last few months: H telling me ILY, getting gifts, ML....but is it me not forgiving that continues to feel this shadow by H absolutely being nonverbal on any of the last couple years?
A C used the term "cognitive distortion" after meeting my H for our only 2 MC sessions. Not at all able to speak his feelings about anything deep, but he definitely is able to be very social, a rescuer, a good friend, jokes a lot, etc. If anyone met him they initially would find him very friendly and comfortable to be with. Sound familiar to anyone? H does not see a C anymore and I am afraid of even mentioning individual or MC. How long has anyone else waited? I feel we are just going to coast along and be doomed if we can't talk, not just about the OW,but more importantly how we got to that point.
I believe they need space, but also believe things just won't "go away", because they are too painful to talk about.
Hoping for ideas to maybe "start slow" to get H to "open up". Ideas for H to know it is safe to begin to talk, that I will listen and validate and not just bring up the A or OW but importance of communication. Anyone try writing some of these thoughts to their spouses? Previously my short notes of any R issues were not well received either.
Keeping up my GAL is so important too, but I know deep down we can't just pretend this never happened. Or do they?
