How do I behave around my cheating husband?

[MonicaP]

Hi Peaceful,

I wish I could feel as sure as you that my H will one day come back. Some days (or moments) I feel that "knowing" and other days I think "no way in hell!".

I question the "knowing" feeling - wondering if it's just more of the grieving process, the letting go and accepting of the loss. But then I think, no matter what I have to grieve the loss of our marriage AS IT WAS, I have to grieve my H AS HE WAS. I'm certain that we would have to re-build from ground zero to ever have a chance.

Anyway, thaks for your post. I wish you well.

[Peaceful]

I am reading It's called a break up because it's broken.

Oh my goodness! It is SO funny! It is really helping me to GAL and detach. It is a get through it and move on kind of book, but I think that is an important part of DB! You have to GAL and keep going without closing the doors to the M.

This is so hard isn't it!

[JokerMan]

MonicaP,
I will give you a perspective from a cheating husband - I know, I'm a sack of crap.

When I left my wife, she had a day or two of crying. After that the crying was over (keep in mind she did not know I had OW).

My affair went on for a few months. Long story short, my wife kept treating me with respect and love. Not goo goo goo love, just support and love.

I contacted a lawyer to file for D. I was concerned about custody. His advice was to move back into the house for a year then file (the state laws here frown on a spouse who left the home when kids are involved.)

So I was still in "love" with OW. I forwarded her the e-mail from the lawyer. She hit the roof. She went freaking nuts. She told me she hated me, she told me how twisted and hateful I was blah, blah blah.

Then she told me I had to make a decision. I had to either stay with her or lose her.

I had been on the slow path of clarity for about a month. This TOTALLY lifted the cloud on how selfish OW are.

-----
side note
How could someone who "loves you" want you to be with them knowing you will lose 50/50 custody???
-----
Well that's when my wifes weeks of kindness and gentleness hit home.

I cut it off with the OW. I am willing to give my marriage another shot, even though we have problems.

But bottom line by the way my wife acted and the OW, that was the final factor that gave me my clarity.

Hope this helps and good luck.

[MonicaP]

Peaceful - thanks for your post. Yes! GAL is key, it's the only way through this. And yes, this is hard. It sure helps to have other's to walk this road with.

Joker Man - wow! I am so grateful for your post! First of all, my prayers are with you and your wife because I imagine it's very hard for both of you....and I have the utmost respect for your decision to try. That's all I want from my H - just a chance to try. If we gave it an honest try and ultimately didn't stay together, at least I would have the satisfaction of knowing we'd done everything we could. I could one day tell my S4 that. But what I can I tell him now?

What you said about having your wife's kindness be the deciding factor for you - really hits home. The first months were very difficult, but I have to say it is getting easier to remember the person I fell in love with and "he's" who I try to respond to whenever I deal with H. If I dwell on his infidelity and lies I just can't conjure up the forgiveness and compassion and my bitterness takes over. But when I view H as a sick person going through an identity crisis - a crisis that is necessary to discover his true self - then I can see him more objectively and with more love in my heart.

Thursday we actually had our 1st MC session w/ a new C. She was great. H wanted to continue C after I fired our last one (incompetent!) and it had been more than a month since we'd seen anyone. Anyway, I think it went very well. He didn't drop the D-bomb like I expected, although he did say he wanted to improve communication as we go forward as co-parents. But I spoke from my heart and said I wanted to find out what would have happened had we gotten the help we needed before he met Ow. H agreed! He said he's still confused about how we got to this point. I took that as a positive. MC was able get a lot out of him (and me) and I think we actually walked away feeling like we'd accomplished something. She also gave us a homework assignment - to write a loose timeline of our R w/ significant moments and bring when we go back in 1 month.

Well, I can't tell you how much it means to hear your input. It gives me hope which is a scarce commodity these days.

I wish you all the best and thanks for taking the time to drop by...

[Peaceful]

Hey Monica email me ASAP I have a question for ya.
[e-mail]

[MonicaP]

Peaceful - just emailed ya -

[JokerMan]

****and I have the utmost respect for your decision to try

Thank you, but your respect should be saved for the husbands that did not have an affair.

****But what I can I tell him now?

Nothing. He is in a fog and not thinking clearly.


****But when I view H as a sick person going through an identity crisis - a crisis that is necessary to discover his true self - then I can see him more objectively and with more love in my heart.

WOW that is powerful. First of all the affair was NOT "necessary to discover his true self". Yes he may have needed to discover his true self. I am empathetic to that, but an affair is NO way to do that!!

I do respect your love and forgiveness for you H. I just hope and pray my W feels the same way when I tell her.

**** He didn't drop the D-bomb like I expected, although he did say he wanted to improve communication as we go forward as co-parents.

Good and bad I guess. Focus on the good. FYI, The I am no longer in an affair. I am still battling the OW and getting her out of my life, but the affair IS FINISHED. The other night, my wife and I had a long talk. I even talked about the co-parenting thing because one, I'm not sure we can get through our "issues" and two, I'm pretty sure she will leave me as soon as I tell her about the affair. The decision is more hers than mine though.


****But I spoke from my heart and said I wanted to find out what would have happened had we gotten the help we needed before he met Ow. H agreed!

That's good.

**** He said he's still confused about how we got to this point.
No sh^t. I feel the same way.

****It gives me hope which is a scarce commodity these days.

No need to thank me. This is helping me more than you. You must not have read my hope thread....just a joke to myself. I think I'm a lone Dylan fan here.

I'll be keeping up Monica. Hang in there.

[MonicaP]

Hey JokerMan,

Thanks for your feedback.

You're right, having an affair is No way to find one's true self. In fact, in my H's case, I see it as "more of the same" in terms of him living through other people.

H met Ow at a nightclub while listening to Goth music. Apparently he's always had this interest but he never felt comfortable sharing it with me. I knew he liked certain Goth movies (the Crow) and poetry, but w/ Ow he can immerse himself in the culture as much as he wants. I am certain he never would have done it alone. This is part of the identity crisis that I've referred to.

In our MC appt he admitted never fathoming having an affair..."it was the last thing I expected would ever happen"...blah, blah, blah. But in his case I think he really believed that. But I truly believe that he used the Ow (in the beginning) as a way to show me how unhappy he was...in our marriage...with everything. He was never able to tell me directly and wound up doing the one thing he knew would mean "the end" for me. It was/is very cowardly. But that's his problem I think - he's terrified of confrontation so he just went along with me (building resentment along the way).

What I wish he had trusted was that he could tell me anything, anything - even "I'm not sure I'm in love with you anymore, I'm not attracted to you anymore, etc". Whatever it was, I would have responded with understanding.

But honestly, I don't think the real problem is/was our M. I think the real problem is my H's lack of confidence, inability to express his needs directly, and the maturity to understand that each couple goes through - at some point - these dig-deep-down-to-your-core problems.

He's 10 yrs younger than I and I see that he really never had an adolescence. He wasn't "allowed" in his rigidly structured home to step outside the lines. He couldn't make mistakes or it meant something was wrong with him. The anger I believe he feels for his father is finally surfacing. Unfortunately I made some of the same mistakes his father made - I was critical, nit-picky, "perfectionistic".

I have since apologized to my H for that, and I have worked these last 8 months at changing internally. I think I've made a lot of progress in the whole "detaching with love" thing and it's made me a better person, mother, friend. I hope I get the chance again to be a better wife.

Does what I did excuse my H's affair? H*ll No! Nothing I did ever warranted that level of hurt and betrayal. Sometimes it'll hit me that my H is actually w/ Ow. I wonder what they do together, how he feels w/ her, I wonder if he ever thinks of me or if he's ever reminded of me and our M. Does he ever miss me and our life together? Does he hear a song and think of me?

Well, today he called at 6:30am to bail on coming to take care of S4 all day. I had plans with a friend in the City and was looking forward to the adult day. Instead I took my S. The good news is that I no longer feel that same immediate gut reaction of hate and disgust. He's lied so much over these past 8 months that I tend not to believe anything he says - but I've learned to Act As If. I try to respond to him as if I believe him and it makes it easier for me. I've also accepted that I am - in effect - a single mom. H is more consistent with his visits in general, but it's still about an 80%/20% responsibility factor.

Well, I've gone on long enough...needed to get all this out. Being in the City gives me the creeps because I know that's where he met Ow and that's where she lives. I had this sinking feeling all day that I might run into him w/ her...thank God that didn't happen!!

I will pray for your sitch. I guess you know this, but I feel compelled to say it...when you finally do tell your wife about A - emphasize that you were not in your right mind :-)

Take care...

[JokerMan]

Monica,

****H met Ow at a nightclub while listening to Goth music.

Yeah, that's where true love begins....read sarcasm

****But I truly believe that he used the Ow (in the beginning) as a way to show me how unhappy he was...in our marriage

Well affairs are not always about sex. It is to fill a void. The cheaters, me included, use that as an excuse to have an affair.

****I think the real problem is my H's lack of confidence, inability to express his needs directly, and the maturity to understand that each couple goes through - at some point - these dig-deep-down-to-your-core problems.

Could be. My "excuse" came from years and years ago. Part of it was the marriage, but there is a much deeper unresolved reason. That DOES NOT make it right though.

I'm glad you can see this.

****He's 10 yrs younger than I and I see that he really never had an adolescence. He wasn't "allowed" in his rigidly structured home to step outside the lines. He couldn't make mistakes or it meant something was wrong with him. The anger I believe he feels for his father is finally surfacing. Unfortunately I made some of the same mistakes his father made - I was critical, nit-picky, "perfectionistic".

Not to sound like Freud, but daddy issues are a strong bind - for men and women.

**** I hope I get the chance again to be a better wife.

Even IF you don't you will be a better person. That's a positive isn't it?

****Does he ever miss me and our life together? Does he hear a song and think of me?

Yes he does. He is just pushing it down. He has to.

****He's lied so much over these past 8 months that I tend not to believe anything he says

He has to lie. I did too.

****I will pray for your sitch.
Thanks. I don't deserve it, but my wife and kids do.

****when you finally do tell your wife about A - emphasize that you were not in your right mind

I hope I can tell her before the psycho OW gets to her. When, not if, I tell her. I will need a lot of support.

[flip]

In our MC appt he admitted never fathoming having an affair..."it was the last thing I expected would ever happen"...blah, blah, blah. But in his case I think he really believed that. But I truly believe that he used the Ow (in the beginning) as a way to show me how unhappy he was...in our marriage...with everything. He was never able to tell me directly and wound up doing the one thing he knew would mean "the end" for me. It was/is very cowardly. But that's his problem I think - he's terrified of confrontation so he just went along with me (building resentment along the way).

What I wish he had trusted was that he could tell me anything, anything - even "I'm not sure I'm in love with you anymore, I'm not attracted to you anymore, etc". Whatever it was, I would have responded with understanding.

But honestly, I don't think the real problem is/was our M. I think the real problem is my H's lack of confidence, inability to express his needs directly, and the maturity to understand that each couple goes through - at some point - these dig-deep-down-to-your-core problems.

I really appreciate what you have written - I think it really sums up my H too.