How do I behave around my cheating husband?

[superstressed]

Monica,

Here's a link to my thread:
Happiness is a Choice

You asked how my H seems more interested. I guess it would be he is calling me more and tells me he loves me and misses me.

But also, I guess I've finally started learning from my mistakes and really paying attention to what my H says to me. Here's one small example. Every time he comes to our apartment I make sure he gives our cats some treats to make sure he is still connected to them. Usually I want him to give them food at the same time we are eating. You may or may not know but wet cat food can smell horrible and this in turn makes him lose his appetite. The smell doesn't bother so I don't see why he doesn't give them food right away.

Well tonight when I saw my H, as I started to say that he could feed the cats after we were done eating, he was anticipating what I usually say, that is feed the cats now, and started on his usual--I don't want to now I'll do it later. ( I don't know why this always became an issue for us because it's really such a petty thing. )

Anyway, he stopped what he was saying in mid-sentence because he realized I wasn't doing my usual thing of wanting them fed first. So I guess it doesn't have to be big things that you change. It just has to be things that are noticed and appreciated--a breaking out of negative molds and routines if you will.

I hope that helps.


SuperStressed

[Peaceful]

Hi there! I have been wondering the same things, feeling the same things. It is making it too easy for H?

I am feeling VERY sad right now. I just talked to H's best friend/roommate. I make a point of not digging for info on H from him as we are also friends.

This has worked well for 5 weeks. Then tonight it drifted that way and he told me that H seems happy with OW and in general. He also told me that it makes sense that H would be happy because H doesn't have to live in reality right now and can be "someone else" for awhile.

We finally got off the phone because "they" (H and OW) were home.

I am trying so hard not to think negative thoughts and cry and basically freak out!

I asked my friend this question, is letting him have his space to do his thing making it easy on him? He said yes, probably, for now. Then gave me the whatever will be will be speach. Damn him for being right.

He, thinks it is "quaint" of me to be saving myself and waiting for H and taking the marriage vows seriously when I am the only one in the marriage. Quaint or not, here I am determined!

[Peaceful]

I also wanted to ask...

Do you ever feel like you just know H would be willing to work on M if the OW would get out of the way?

And, who are these women who are OK being with a man with a wife and kid/s? What kind of self esteem do they have? Why would H be attracted to someone with that low of moral standards and self esteem. Especially when he could have ME!

Just needed to vent a bit! Thanks!

[MonicaP]

Dear Peaceful,

Wow, I like your name

I'm sorry we're meeting here, but I'm glad we're not alone!

Yes, I definitely think things would be different if Ow wasn't in the picture - but my H kept his unhappiness bottled up and I had no way of knowing that our M was hanging from such a thin thread. So, unless he had told me that before meeting Ow we had no chance anyway.

I try to look at the Ow as a "symptom" of his larger problem which, IMO, is a deep identity crisis and delayed adolescence. I am 38, he is 28, and we've been together for 8 yrs (M 6 yrs). So, I think his inability to express himself - in fact, to really know himself - came to a head and he didn't (doesn't) have the maturity to see past his own angst.

It doesn't help that he is attracted to the Goth culture - and seems to have gotten into it quite a bit. I'm not sure how much, but of course he tries to downplay it.

Anyway, the bottom line is that he is NOT the person I married right now. He's caught up in and lost in another world. The Ow is someone that he can relate to in that world because she is obviously "sick" too. I believe that we attract that which we are - so, sadly, my H has attracted another lost person to cling to, it will not last forever.

I don't know how long I can wait, I take it day by day. I'm not attracted to my H now. In fact, there are times when I am repulsed when I think of all that he has done...the betrayal, lies, etc. I try not to dwell on that. When I miss him I am missing the man that I fell in love with, I am grieving that man.

No matter what, if by some miracle my H were to come to his senses and decide he wants to save our M too, then the real work begins! I imagine it would have to be like we were meeting for the first time, two complete strangers getting to know each other, developing a friendship, maybe falling in love again...but there's no going back.

I do believe in miracles and I pray quite a bit. I pray for my H a lot (I use a book called "The Power of the Praying Wife" by Stormie OMartian - it's religiously based, I'm not, but the message is what I like).

When I read your post - especially about what your mutual friend said - the thing that came to my mind is that EVERYTHING CHANGES WITH TIME.

7.5 mos ago when my H and I first S'ed I thought I was in hell. I couldn't believe the level of pain I was feeling, the uncontrollable tears, depression, etc. I thought I would die from the pain. The betrayal was unimaginable to me, the boldfaced lies, I couldn't accept it was really happening. As time went on and I started DBing I noticed a softening in tone and I found myself able to take it in smaller pieces. I had to stop thinking about the future so much and stay in the NOW. I heard "don't believe anything he says and only half of what he does". I took that literally. I know he still lies to me a lot - about really petty things usually - and now I choose to see that as his way of "saving face" with me. Deep down he feels tremendous guilt and shame, he knows he's blown it. He doesn't want to add more to it, but he doesn't know what to do. He's confused and confusing! So, I choose to nod and smile.

Interestingly he was the one who recently suggested we continue with MC. I wanted to stop and I fired our MC. But, since he suggested it I took that as a "point of entry" for us, so I found a new MC and set up an appt for 7/13. She's pro-marriage and sounds like she's on the ball. We'll see.

I have definitely discovered that - when I need it - I am blessed with an abundance of patience. Some days are easier than others. As long as I steer clear of envisioning the future "without him" I can go about my day.

God is in charge, not me. I just have to do the footwork and God will do the rest.

I hope you are really peaceful in your heart...

Hugs.

[MonicaP]

Journaling,

July 6th will mark the 8th anniversary of the day H and I met. We always celebrated that day because we actually had 3 wedding ceremonies (1 civil, 1 in US, 1 in Italy). July 6th is also my favorite gandmother's birthday, so I always believed she had a hand in H and I meeting that Summer evening in Florence. I really thought that God had brought us together that evening "for a reason" and that we were "meant to be". Is it possible that we were only meant to be for a little while - long enough to bring our beautiful son into the world?

It's hard to accept that we aren't meant to be - forever - like we vowed to each other.

The other night I found an old email from H, Christmas 2001, all about his love for me, how he'd always be true, yada-yada-yada.

Was it all a lie???

Yesterday H arrived to watch S3.5 and for the 1st time in the past 7+ mos of separation he looked good. His hair was clean and he was tan. I immediately felt depressed because I thought it meant he had spent a romantic day out with Ow and now was happy. Of course, I've been praying for his happiness since he has seemed so depressed, but now I am terrifed that he is finally moving on - past the guilt and shame. I want him to, but then again I don't.

I went to the beach yesterday - to the place that we often went throughout our M. I cried and wrote and prayed. I feel like we are getting closer and closer to the end.

I start a new job this week - one more thing that I think H has been waiting for....wanting me to make more money so he could be less obligated to me.

God, I am so sad.

The holidays are always the worst for me - a time when we would almost surely have done some "family" thing.

Should I just end it before he does ~ at least that way I wouldn't think myself a complete fool.

Where do I go from here?

[MonicaP]

I think my patience is running out...

Nothing significant has happened in the past couple of weeks, except that I see my H becoming more comfortable with our separation and less guilty. He just seems to be "ok" with coming and goings to see S3.5 and letting me know he has other "commitments".

He has now been w/ Ow for 10 months, I've known about Ow for 9 mos, we've been separated 8 mos.

We have a MC appt set for 7/13 ~ a new C ~ for the sake of continuing communication for S3.5. I am very, very anxious as I think he might be waiting to get into that "safe" environment to drop the D-bomb. Part of me doesn't even want to go.

I feel like I might need to end it before he does - file for D just so he doesn't get the chance first. The whole concept that it takes more integrity, strength, courage, etc to NOT file is escaping me. I don't want to end up feeling that complete and utter rejection - more than I already feel.

And I still haven't accepted this whole thing ~ after nearly 8 mos. I still feel like it's all so surreal. "Just yesterday" we were totally in love.

I keep praying and praying and sometimes I feel really patient and strong and I believe in miracles. TOday is not one of those days.

Today is the 4th of July and H is out w/ Ow all day, coming over later to be w/ S3.5. I don't even want to face him knowing that he has just come from arms of Ow. It's nauseating.

When is this going to end???

I could really use some feedback...

Thanks

[Tamashii]

I feel like I might need to end it before he does - file for D just so he doesn't get the chance first.

So you could say you 'won?'

He's not talking D because he doesn't want one. That may change, but the truth is, you're going to feel shitty no matter what happens, so why not leave it alone? The idea here is accountability. If he wants this, let him do it.

Find something else to do. Back off, become mysterious. Let him wonder what YOU are doing.

Read DR. The first chapter is on this board. Read the advice posted to newcomers. Listen to what people tell you. If for no other reason, it will help you stay sane.

Stop calling, don't pursue. It's time for you to have 'other commitments.' Realize that this will take a while. Drop out of his life as much as you can. Get on with your own. Show him you don't need him to survive. And you really don't.

David

[MonicaP]

Hi Tamashii,

Thanks for your post.

I am doing all the things you sugggested...have read DR over and over again, I rarely call H and only email for scheduling reasons (re: S3.5) or to give him an update on our bank balance, I detach and do my own thing even when he is here to see S3.5, went to a concert the other night and scheduled a babysitter to come in after he left, etc, etc.

I feel like I'm doing everything in my power but I don't see any progress whatsoever. The progress is in me, which I don't discount, but marriage is still going down the drain.

Tonight H was here to see S3.5 and wanted to leave early - to make it to a concert on time of a favorite band. Well, I was pretty skeptical being that this is the 4th, so I took a look at bands schedule - they're in New Mexico tonight! (We're in CA).

Now I'm wondering if I should call him on his lie. I am getting so fed up with his lies!!! Why does he continue to lie when he knows I'm well aware of his R w/ Ow?? Of course he's heading right back to be w/ her. No doubt he thinks he's hurting me less by saying he's going to a concert rather than admitting he's going to see the fireworks (a family occasion - once) w/ Ow.

So, should I point out that it's his lies that hurt me the most!?

Or should I just let it go? If so, how long do I have to keep letting these things go by? At what point can I give him a wake up call? I mean, does he really think I believe his lies??

It hurts so much. And it angers me. How can he live w/ himself? It just seems like he doesn't even care ~ he's just so anxious to get out of here and get back to her.

Meanwhile his little boy says things like "why isn't daddy ever coming back?" My heart breaks and H gets to go off and play, play, play.

Ugh. This has been a tough weekend. I just don't think I can take much more of this limbo. Well, it's not really limbo since it seems pretty obvious that he is done. The last time we spoke of our R he said "I just can't be in this R anymore...we're not compatable"...ouch. He really believes that and the Ow is now "the one".

How do I walk through this w/ self-respect?

Need help.

[Peaceful]

Oh Monica, I am so there with you girl! I can add nothing, but wanted to let you know that there is another person out here feeling all the grief, anger, anguish that you are tonight. It has to get better. How long have you been "letting it go" with the lies? It might be time to just call him on it and calmly tell him you feel disrespected when you are given excuses and that it would hurt you less to hear the truth and that you would even prefer him not giving you an explaination than a lie. Just use your "I" sentences, remain calm and do not engage him in an arguement. When he denies that he has been lying, and he will, just agree and say you're glad to know that he will continue to tell you the truth or not say anything at all.

What do you think?

[MonicaP]

Hi Peaceful,

Thank you for your supportive comments. You added something!

I've been DBing since Jan/Feb. H & I have been S since Nov-12 (2 days before my birthday!). I haven't always been able to keep my mouth shut about his obvious lies, but now I'm to the point where I don't even have the energy to call him on it. It doesn't seem to change anything.

I have brought up in the past that I would rather hear No explanation than a lie, but he just keeps on volunteering them. Tonight I'm certain he wanted to leave early to be w/ Ow on the 4th - thinking I would agree to it without protest if I believed he was going to a concert vs. seeing the fireworks. Boy, his lies cut me like a knife.

How is it possible that H could go from being someone everyone admired and respected (including myself) to being this total selfish bastard! Granted he's young and inexperienced, but he had me fooled anyway - I trusted that he was the good guy he presented himself to be those first 7+ years.

Thursday will mark the 8th anniversary of the day we met. He's supposed to be here to watch S3.5 but I'm already anticipating some sort of excuse. If he makes it I plan to go out and stay out as long as I can.

I am so confused about where to go from here. Do I just keep going without bringing up D, waiting for him to drop that bomb? Or do I pull the plug and move on with my life?

I wish I knew if he even missed me/us at all.

Well, I better get to bed ~ I'm starting a new job tomorrow and need to be up early.

Thanks again!