This is my first time posting on this website. My husband left me one year ago after only a three year marriage. We had our share of problems. I worked while he went to college. He inherited my twin teenager sons and had never been married or a parent before. He has A.D.D. which means he escalated our conflicts rather easily and could focus on only one thing, his studies, to the exclusion of all else. He didn't really involve himself in family life, but I accepted this. I have depression and we both thought I should wean off my anti-depressants, but this turned out to be a mistake...I became a real downer. We began to fight and when he left me, I was shocked. We also had a fabulous connection, being we're both writers, he's an actor, I'm a singer. We appreciated each other's whacky sense of humor and we jogged together.
He left with the understanding he needed time to figure things out, but I was so hurt by him leaving, I became extremely angry. I was left with all the finances, had to re-finance the mortgage and still had $30,000 debt. While married, I paid all mortgage, bills, groceries, etc. I filed for divorce out of deep hurt and conviction this man did not value me at all.
He has tried to contact me to talk but I've been very angry with him. The one counsellor we went to was a dud, he told us his only regret was he didn't leave his marriage sooner
Recently, almost one year after our separation, he's attempted to talk with me again. I was finally able to tell him my anger was a cover for the very deep hurt I felt for him leaving. He told me he still thinks we could reconciliate, and why enter a new relationship when we are such a good match. He apologized for not being involved in family more and for getting so angry during our conflicts. I felt really hopeful. But when I asked him about counselling, he said he's not interested in this, because he feels he's changed.
Then I asked what our next steps are, toward reconciliation. He was suddenly aloof, stating he "doesn't mind" going for coffee or a movie now and then, but that we should take things slow, no pressure, chill, etc. That we don't want to go back to things the way they were.
I was left feeling very hurt at this "no plan" reaction of his. And I therefore, am allowing our divorce to go through in a month. I feel so re-hurt that he wouldn't match his nice words with A-C-T-I-O-N.
Should I play it his way? Or am I just being a useless hanger-onner? I think he's commitment phobic and a conflict avoider and both those things make reunion impossible, in my view.
I posted my conundrum on Royce's Relationship Resource and had a couple men tell me I was an "incredibly foolish" woman for not accepting my husband's offer which I thought was rather insensitive, considering I love my husband tremendously, I didn't leave him, he left me. They made it sound like the "walk away spouse" is the one who is in the right and had good reason to leave, which I think is insane. My husband is not used to balancing family and career and when the going got tough, he left. But I would take him back if he was willing to PRIORIZE our relationship. But instead he puts his acting career first and has barely any energy left for me.
Should I just walk away, or should I play it his way, and casually 'date' him for god knows how long?
Welcome! Not glad to see you in this sitch, but glad to see you looking for good advice.
Hmmm... DBing is about being willing to do the lion's share of the work for an unknown amount of time, with the knowledge that if it works, you'll end up reaping the rewards of your investment later in the new R. And if you don't end up together, you'll have changed in a very positive manner, thus benefiting regardless.
Pay attention to your H's request to take things slowly. Regardless, this will less "pressure" to be felt by your WAH. Don't dump your expectations for MC or a faster pace into the mix. That equals additional pressure.
Every time you feel frustrated or resentful or about to explode, use the space and time created by the slowed pace to douse yourself with self-care/self-love. Go workout, pick up old/new hobbies, make new friends, travel, get your nails or hair done, get a massage, soak in the tub with the candles on. If you do so in a disciplined fashion, you'll be more likely give off a "confidence" vibe when you are around him.
Finally, try your best to stay positive, upbeat, even playful around him. Positivity attracts folks while the opposite drives them away. Try also to remember the saying "Fake it til you make it." Even if you don't feel happy, act it, and over time, the GAL work will help you to actually get there.
There's lots of fodder from resentments in your sitch, and much data to lock him into the hopeless category (e.g., the ADD). You'll need to let that rigid way of perceiving things go, or your attempts to flexibly changed will be doomed by such thoughts.
Keep posting your efforts and their consequences, and we'll do our best to advise.
Thanks so much for responding, Gabriel! Nice name, I just about named my son that.
I had to look up the abbreviations thread to understand GAL and Dbing. lol Still not sure about MC...
I am doing a lot of reading on the threads and seeing that Getting a Life is key to all of this. I did so well with this for the first few months, but then I slipped into a bit of depression, stopped jogging, stopped socializing, hid away in my bedroom with my t.v. and laptop.
If I honestly take a look, I know letting go of the anger against my husband for leaving is important. So I can work at that while rebuilding my life. But when people reconciliate, isn't there a plan of some sort? Isn't it kind of weird he thinks it's fine I date other men? This makes me wonder if he really wants to reunite or not. If I could have some kind of sign that he's sincere, like an interest in counselling. Otherwise, what do I have? I guess it comes back to GAL and quit thinking about whether he has a plan or not. Does GAL include dating? Or is that crazy if you want to reconciliate? I dated one guy in the hopes to get over my Ex but it didn't work, I only missed him more. Kept thinking, oh man, this poor guy's a bore compared to my Ex. K, I am now officially going to get a life.
He is an aspiring actor with ADD...what kind of plan do you expect him to come up with?
You love him or you wouldn't be here, you wouldn't have problems dating, and you wouldn't be asking these questions.
Call him up and ask him out for coffee. Who says you need to stop the divorce proceedings. You can date while your getting divorced and figure out what to do later. Heck, it's your life, your reality, make the most of it.
ps, MC is marriage counselling.
Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding
Your darn tootin' I love my silly mid-life crisis actor with ADD (too funny, your joke) LOL
I phoned him earlier this afternoon to tell him I respect the pace he needs and in the mean time I'm busy getting a life. He laughed, thanked me for my call and told me to call him anytime for coffee and I said "likewise". So that's that.
Now to the harder part and really figuring out how to get a darn tootin' LIFE!! I think first step will be reading some more threads on here to see what others are doing to get past that "destroyed" phase.
and quit thinking about whether he has a plan or not. Does GAL include dating? Or is that crazy if you want to reconciliate? I dated one guy in the hopes to get over my Ex but it didn't work, I only missed him more.