This thread is really fostering some great discussions and helping reinforce some things I was thinking about but couldn't put a focus to. Will elaborate after the weekend on my own thread so I don't hijack the proceedings here. Ya'll go on with your bad selves!
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
Please, BI, if you want to, post here. I love to have this stuff as a part of my thread. It really helps me figure things out. SO, post here, there, anywhere, I don't mind.
Wow, it's been a LONG time since I just journaled. I don't really have any specific crisis or issues, just a state of the union as it where. First a tiny bit of news...
On Friday night W and I had just put the kids to bed and W was working on something on her computer. She was asking me questions about how to find certain things and I asked her "what for". She said it was for XXX, YYY's wife. Ok, so then I asked "who's XXX?" She said OM's brother, the one who took our couch and "helped" W get away from OM. She said she was still friends with this woman and was helping her find a job since she had no computer and no Internet after they moved. Ok, I said, and helped her. This truly didn't bother me but I suppose it did make me start thinking about OM again...
So, later in the night, she had her cell phone to her ear for a long time, not saying anything. I asked her "what's up" and she said she was listening to a ton of messages, from me and others.
I don't know why, but without thinking too much, I just blurted out "how many are from my 'friend'?". She acted confused..."You know, YYY's brother." Without hesitation, or much reaction to the question, she simply said "None."
W: None M: Oh, when did that change? W: A couple weeks ago. M: So you haven't seen or heard from him since then? W: No. I don't even know if he's in the state. M: Why? Did he have plans to leave? W: Yes, he was moving back home to ZZZ. M: Hmmm, doesn't YYY know where he is? W: Of course, but I don't ask. I don't care anymore.
That was about it, but an interesting convo. It was more her really believable tone of indifference that was interesting to me as much as anything. It DOES seem like she was telling the truth. Who knows...
SO, this Father's Day weekend went ok I guess. All this week I think things have been ok, but there has been this unease in me, really just like there's been for a couple weeks now. I have chalked it up to impatience.
Anyway, W asked me late last week what I wanted for Father's Day and I really didn't have much of an idea other than hot $ex. She smiled politely and really didn't respond. I may have mentioned this desire a couple more times in the week, each time playfully and with a grin, but didn't really beat the horse dead. I suppose if I am honest, I DID allow this to become an expectation that would prove to be problematic later on.
We went to SIL's house for the day Saturday to spend the night and be with family for Father's Day and W knew it was not my first choice of things to do but we had committed to it and we were both going to make the best of it.
To make a long story short, W and her sister/mother ended up squabbling over some things and so we decided to get away for a few hours on Saturday night. That was nice. We just went to the mall, but it was nice, just the two of us. No R talk, just pleasant time shopping (something that I used to be bad at). We actually ended up getting me a lot of clothes as more Father's Day stuff so it was all good.
On Sunday I just hung out with FIL & BIL. We played golf (which I hate) and then ate steak and other BBQ food. I suppose I was building into a bad mood all day and when we were heading home, W noticed. I managed to prevent myself from sliding into a funk over something I considered a stupid reason, i.e. not getting to do what I wanted to on Father's Day. I used to be that way and not I realize how silly and juvenile it is. I DID have a good time, just not the time I would have picked. I left it at that, assured W I was fine and we just drove home.
Later in the night, W tried to accommodate me by agreeing to watch a late movie on DVD. She hates to start watching too late because she falls asleep but she knew I didn't have the best time at her sis's house and I think was feeling bad. I didn't make a big issue of this, just went to blockbuster, got the movie and after only asking once if it was too late, watched it W wife.
In the past, I would have gone on and on about how it was too late and let's not watch it, I can do something else, etc, etc. REALLY passive/aggressive stuff. I started to this time and caught myself. If she said she was willing, then fine, a watchin' we would go!
Oh, but here's the bad "expectation" part. I probably did get in a little funk later in the night because I could tell that W was not going to ML. I KNOW I should not have expected her to but in a rather trite way, Father's Day is one of "those" days in the past where ML was almost a dead lock. Guess not this year. I was sad but not really surprised. Why should I be. I DID get my hopes up too high, but based on what? She never said she would, and really, to be honest, I didn't really try AT ALL.
I suppose that all this time as we have discussed my intimacy issues and such, this date has been in the back of my mind as a kind of "test". I think I am guilty of believing that it would just "happen" last night and even as the night wore on, I started to realize how "old thinking" that idea was. It didn't make me feel much better, but it DID prevent me from going into my good ole' deep funk that W hates...hell, that I hate too!
So, all is still limbo, which is not the end of the world. I am MUCH better than a couple weeks ago when this limbo felt like the worst place in the world to be.
1. NO undue anger (and really, with my boys, it's ALL undue) with my kids. I have fallen back into this trap again, and it's showing in the rest of my life, especially W.
2. DROP ALL EXPECTATIONS on W. I want to make it through this week, as a stepping stone to getting back to this FULL TIME, without EXPECTING W to ML or anything else.
3. Renew my PMA. I have lost it of late. Time to get it back, starting today!
On a side note, I am struggling with something. I have rescheduled my appointment with my C 3 times now and I think she's starting to get really pissed. I can't blame her. Well, now I have my son's first basketball practice, and I am the coach of the team, at the same time as my thrice rescheduled appointment. What do I do? I REALLY want to be there for practice. I only accepted the job because nobody else would/could do it and I didn't know it would conflict with this appointment. I am going to call C today and see what she thinks, but I am really embarrassed. I'm sure it looks like I am just blowing her off because things are going better, and I guess I am to a certain extent. I have to make a decision...
Hey GH, It happened real early in my sitch,the ML thing,thinking back it was the first night back..though she hadnt asked me back yet,after that night i have never left. Yes it was me initiating..even talking her into it,she wanted to just hang out and have good time..she even went to the point of saying "so you want to have some meaningless sex"(granted we were really having a great time hanging out)I said yes...totally meaningless,,we are just having a good time right..were partyin right..anyway something like that,but yes i did have to convince her and i think it was very important for both of us..i guess making sure you both could have such a intimate time TOGETHER,her because of Om and me because of Om.I guess letting her know that you could as well without anger,so i made sure to make it a great time for her,and well..i never left after that night.Your W probably feels guilty and figures that will not enable her have a good time. Do you guys ever drink socially?Just something to maybe loosen things up a little.I dont know how that sounds,but i think getting that "first time" out of the way is very important. Just be Great
GH, Goal #1 should be: PMA!!! That is key to everything. Be happy!!
Suggestion: Go get "How One of You Can Bring the Two of you Together" by Susan Page, it has really kept me on track last week.
I did get a little sad yesterday at Great America (kept it to myself though), I would have loved it if my H held my hand or gave me a little kiss or showed ANY sign of affection. Don't get me wrong, we did have a good time but it was more like two good friends with their kids. (....sigh)
Anyway, the expections are what is hurting me too, try to relax and let them go and accept your life the way it is. Remember the old saying "good things come to those who wait".
I am starting to realize that this thing may be pretty cut and dried. Either she is still seeing OM (doubtful) or she is just waiting for me to DO something, which to this point I have done a piss-poor job of. IF I were her, I wouldn't feel any passion from me either. Maybe THAT's what's communicating that idea that I "won't allow her to have a good time" if we do ML. Maybe it's too awkward right now, on top of being passionless.
Something that OT said to me VERY early on in her posts to me still resonates every day, SEVERAL times a day. She suggested that W just wants me to roll her over and give her a hard, passionate kiss. W want's to FEEL something from me.
Well, for some reason, I can't, or don't want to maybe, muster that up. I am still looking for her to meet me half-way and I suppose I have to get over that because if I keep waiting, well...then again, as Mama said, good things do come to those who wait.
I am still conflicted about exactly when and what to do, but I am 100% convinced that I DO need to DO something. That was not the case a month ago.
Quote: Goal #1 should be: PMA!!! That is key to everything. Be happy!!
I agree. Revised. Goal #1 IS PMA!!!
Quote: Suggestion: Go get "How One of You Can Bring the Two of you Together" by Susan Page, it has really kept me on track last week.
Ok, but I have a lot of reading I am doing right now. I want to finish PM, which is slow going, before starting anything else. I WILL look into this on though. Thanks.
Quote: I did get a little sad yesterday at Great America (kept it to myself though), I would have loved it if my H held my hand or gave me a little kiss or showed ANY sign of affection. Don't get me wrong, we did have a good time but it was more like two good friends with their kids. (....sigh)
Yep. I get that feeling ALL THE TIME and no matter what I read to the contrary, I have to feel that for the most part, so long as we build on that to include intimacy and the other parts of a good marriage, that's a good thing.
Quote: Anyway, the expections are what is hurting me too, try to relax and let them go and accept your life the way it is. Remember the old saying "good things come to those who wait".
I don't know, I don't really accept MY life as the way it is. I can ALWAYS change MY life. I didn't used to get that, now I do. I do accept LIFE, in terms of the things I can't control, as the way IT is and in that respect, I know I can't rush certain things.
I agree, good things come to those who wait...but then again, you ever play hide-n-seek and hid so well that all the other kids just stopped playing and had moved on to cops-n-robbers before you even realized the game was over?
Sometimes you have to hide just a little more out in the open.
Well...i will put 2 more cents worth in.
think back to being young,hell i cant ever really remember "making love",and i seriously doubt that when people cheat they are making love.I guess what i am saying is when it does happen get crazy, forget ML right now.
As Eddie Murphy said in RAW"would you rather your woman look you in the eyes and say "make love to me". or "f&*%k the s&*t out of me".Personally,i think alot of men would prefer the latter Sorry for that,i feel as i may be getting a little to personal here,or to direct or something.
Anyway im gonna post it anyway.
Have a great day.
