Me 49, Stay at home dad, W 38. Married 11 yrs, together 13. Two young kids, S5, D2.
Last June I discovered wife was involved in an EA with her colleague. It became a PA in August. We neared divorce in October, but W balked when I informed her that I would fight for primary custody of the kids. We agreed to put things on hold over the holidays. And things have pretty much been in an open marriage limbo ever since.....until now.
W had been spending the night once a week at OM's house (He's 36, never married, no kids) sometimes two. We have been sleeping in the same bed, and living a cordial relationship primarily for the sake of our kids.
Most recently she said she was ready for divorce finally. I have been hanging in there. Oddly.
Her latest proposal was that she was now not planning on moving in with OM, but with sharing our house while our kids lived there permanently.
For 3 or 4 days the kids and I would have the house, and for the next 3 or 4 days (alternating) the kids and her would live there.
When I asked where I (stay at home dad) would go, she suggested I stay in my 83 mother's one bedroom condo. No way.
When I asked where OM would be during her 3 or 4 days in the house, she responded that he would be staying there with her. In my house.
OM sleeping in my bed?
She would prepare a bed in another room for them.
I told her no way. Never. I wouldn't share a home with him and I don't want him poking around my stuff. No way.
She then threatened that she would force the sale of our home and nobody would live there. I was filled with panic.
THe lawer subsequently told me that she couldn't force me out (nor could I force her out).
I want to stay in my home. I have been DBing for a year. I have small kids that I want to see every day, but I must say that a year of this has been too much.
I don't know why she is hanging in there. Doesn't OM see that she's dragging her feet? Isn't she curious why her great love (OM) isn't smashing down doors and insisting that they be together?
It's been one year since my first posting here. I was hoping to have a story like old timer MF's. But now I think I want out more than she does.
Having kids really complicates things and I never say anyone satisfactorily adress how to DB with custody issues...
Good luck my friends. I believe my next new thread will be in the divorcing threads. I have been on the infidelity boards for a year and I have managed to keep our marriage alive, but I sometimes wonder if it is worth it.
Many of you have much better situations that can be managed and resolved. I faced an impossible challenge and made some headway. Many of you WILL be able to succeed if you follow the simple steps that you can find right here...
My suggestions from being there - sharing the kids - etc.
- Do not move out. Even for a day. Stay with the house and the kids. - Do not agree with the 3/4 day thing. If she wants to spend time with the kids for a day or whatever, let her figure out when/where/how to take them. - If she wants to spend time with the kids at the house, then you be there, maybe not in the same room, but be there. - If she wants to D, let her do all the work. Tell her you want her to be happy, no matter what, and you don't agree with the decision to D. (Stop there, no if's, no and's, no but's) - Do not bring up the OM again. Be very direct and firm, but not angry, about you staying in the house with the children.
Thank you Ohio. It is nice to get a perspective of someone divorcing with custody issues.
I'm wondering, however, to what end does all of your advice go to?
I'm feeling really like I am over W and want to move on with my life. I will not move out of my house, but I don't want her here either. I don't really think I want to reconcile anymore. We are cordial with one another, but I just don't think I can love her any more. THere has been too much disrespect, too much damage.
Does this advice have the aim of saving my marriage or reconciling some day? While I haven't 100% locked the door on this, I really don't think I want to fight for this anymore. I've said it 100 times before, the only thing that might leave the door slightly ajar on this is our kids. I don't want to see them shuttled back and forth and I don't want to spend a day without them...
I have often thought that the only way to deal with your sitch is for you to put your foot down. Your wife has had her cake and eaten it too for a really long time. I believe that you may actually find that when you put your foot down - say enough is enough - sell the house - set up a parenting plan that gives you equal access to the kids, start dating and making your wife take her 100% of her 50% share of responsibility for the kids, she will finally see what she has done and will probably want to rekindle your relationship. Whether you still want to do that or not after all this will remain to be seen.
I may sound hard now, and it is not my intention to do so, but plese listen up. Daddy, you have been in the situation a lot of women have found themselves over the centuries. You are "powerless" because you don't have any economic power in the relationship. Your wife pays the bills, your wife pays the mortage, your wife can do what she damn well pleases, because she has the economic power.
The only way you can go forward now is to take back your power, spiritually, economically and physically.
I know you've seen a lawyer before - go back and tell him/her you want to know what you would be entitled to in a divorce agreement.
So, you may not be able to keep the family home - you may have to get a smaller apartment. You may not be able to see your kids every day (initially) - but to date your wife has been able to have her own life while you looked after the kids 100% of the time - Daddy you have been enabling her affair with your fixation on being a stay-at-home dad.
Even stay at home parents are entitled to a life Daddy.
Take your power back my friend. Get good advice on what the best divorce option would be for you. Show your wife that you are not going to take her behaviours lieing down and there are consequences of her actions - spousal support, limited time with her children etc etc.
No more excuses daddy. This style of DBing hasn't been working for you - take it up a notch. Tell her enough is enough.
You deserve better. You deserve much much better.
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
Hi! Just want to lend you some support. You and I have been on these boards around the same time. And I want to commend you on your commitment to your marriage. I know it is hard that your W is still with the aliens.
Daddy you have been enabling her affair with your fixation on being a stay-at-home dad.
I second what Walkingback is saying..., can you imagine it.. when you tell your W that "Okay. You can have full custody of the kids. I will visit kids 1,3,5 and alternate weekends"... Yes, that seems like giving up on your kids.. But can you imagine, out of a sudden, your wife would have to tend to the children's needs 100%?? It will be hard! I tell you, she won't be able to cope... what, with the household chores of cleaning, cooking, laundry, coupled with screaming kids. I am sure your kids are angels..but angels sometimes do behave like devils. I mean now, when the kids act up,...daddy is there... but when daddy is not there, mommy would have to handle EVERYTHING all by herself.. ANd plus, she won't be able to go out gallavanting with OM when she has to look after the kids. yes, she can still have kids with OM, but you know how kids are...she won't be able to fully concentrate on OM. You know how us parents talk on the phone with our friends, and halfway through, the convo would be interrupted and we would be screaming at our kids?? You just have to TAKE A DEEP BREATH and let go,... and let your wife struggle with the responsibilities... Working full-time, household chores and young kids is no joke when you've not done it before...
I think you have admirably applied DB techniques for a long time now, but it sounds like you have now reached a point where the situation is intolerable--i.e., "[t]here has been too much disrespect, too much damage."
You definitely need to get some distance, now; the situation is just too toxic for you. I remember something a couple people told me, when I was getting close to the end of putting up with my own situation. They said that it was great that I was so focused on my toddler, but that, ironically, I might be doing him a disservice by continuing to endure a situation that was so damaging to me.
Also, although I was in a situation where my soon-to-be ex-wife and I contributed about 50/50 to our family's income, I can certainly imagine your concerns about your economic situation going forward.
I therefore have a little advice on this subject.
First, I will echo Walkingback, and strongly recommend you see your lawyer and explore all your options concerning the house and interim and final support orders.
Second, get out there and start exploring the job market in your area, find out what's possible, and interview for a couple jobs. Call on friends for job leads.
Third, explore alternative housing options, even if you think you might get to keep the house as part of a divorce settlement. In this regard, be very creative. Are there any family or friends you could call on to temporarily assist you with the finances related to the house?
Fourth, start envisioning a life in which you are economically-self sufficient. I think you will be pleasantly surprised with how resourceful you can be when you have to be--sort of like being dropped 1,000 miles away from home with just the clothes on your back and $2 dollars in your pocket.
In short, if you could put up with all that pain and nonsense from your wife, you can certainly harness that strength and creativity to rebuild your life in a way that leaves you economically self-sufficient.
And none of this requires you to entirely shut the door on reconciliation. At this point, I think it may be the only possible way to reconciliation.
As some of the others have suggested, your wife may be getting off to easy right now. When she starts having to deal, day to day, with the mess you both have on your hands, then she may (or may not) realize that the grass is definitely not greener with ol' OM.
No one can fault you for telling your wife, "Hey, I still love you, but I think if we continue on in this vein we are going to do irreparable damage that will not only completely eliminate any chance of reconciling, but will also poison the relationship we need to keep in order to be good co-parents to our kids if we don't reconcile. We therefore need to move ahead with the separation and divorce."
As a follow-up to yoyogirl, I want to emphasize that while I completely agree that you should now demand that your wife start sharing the duties of caring for the kids, you absolutely should NOT give your wife full custody—at most, let her have joint 50/50 physical and legal custody (of course, subject to whatever advice your attorney gives you).
Another thing I might mention is that after you have reached the point that there has been just too much disrespect and damage, and have been there awhile, you may discover that YOU want to sell the house and find a new place, because the old house is just too tainted. It could be hard to drive away the sad memories that linger like exhausted ghosts (especially in the bedroom) after such a terrible experience. Even if you don't feel that way now, you may still benefit from a new space to nurture your new self and new life.
If all goes well, you may decide to change your moniker from SAHDaddy to SSDaddy ("Self-Sufficient Daddy").
Okay, enough from me, I'm starting to sound like a New Age guru ....
But know that I and many others will continue to follow your situation, so please let us know if you switch over to some other forum.
Howdy SAHD! We can't seem to stay away from here can we?
I second, third, or fourth what everyone else has stated. Especially since it's what I have been doing.
Your kids (mainly the older one) are getting to the age where the sitch is going to start affecting how they view a marital R. I noticed this in my own kids. I had to stand up for myself and show them that what was going on was not acceptable M behavior anymore. Right or wrong I had to file for D for the sake of the kids. W was putting the kids in situations that were embarrassing and shameful to D10, and S6 was starting to grasp the sitch so he wasn't far behind his sister.
You don't have to file but it's time to stand up and find a way to move on and show those kids that their dad is Superdad! As you know W and OM are in la-la land just having a "good time". Keeping the status quo any longer is just playing into their hands.
Thanks everyone for replying. Nice to hear from you, MCWaterdog, I haven't been blessed with you sage advice for quite some time....
Well, I appreciate everyone's advice and I/we are moving in the direction of divorce, I think....I have decided that I will fight to stay in my house. Between W's long work hours and time with OM, she's hardly ever here and I don't think I will have too hard of a time divorcing the thought of her from the physical reality of my home.
I will try to convince W to go for a 65/35 split of the kids (she gets 35). It sounds like a lot, but giving her just one more night a week would make it 50/50. Besides, I have told her that she is welcome to come and visit the kids any time, while I would not have that same luxury while she is living with OM. I will fight for this and I fear I may lose, but my lawyer says that it should be an attainable goal...keep your fingers crossed for me...
W and I have not spoken about the sitch for a few weeks, since our last visit with our MC when she proposed sharing the house. SHe advised me last night that we need to talk soon and I am ready.
She still drops little hints now and again about making long range plans for our house and such....meaning that I think she is trying to finagle some way to stay in the house while divorced. We shall see...
Quote: I'm wondering, however, to what end does all of your advice go to?
- This needs to be about you and GAL. - You can only control you and your actions/reactions. - While WAW is playing fantasy land, you are there for the children and demonstrate to them what your moral value is. - You show backbone by stating you will be in the house and kids and no OM in house.
In the end, it's able saving yourself and being the best person you can be. You have to do what's right for you and the kids. WAWs fantasy land may crumble soon, or may never crumble. Take care of your self and your children.
Some friendly divorce advise: Start with 80/20 for for kids (Ask for more then you want, plan your negoiations(sp?)). Then when her lawyer proposes 50/50, you can easily 'give' 65/35. Otherwise, you'll argue about 50/50 - 65/35 all day with no comprimise.
