So D was final a few weeks ago... two days later I had to call (X)W about the kids... I had just picked them up and they were both in the gritchiest moods... We ended up talking for like 30 min. and towards the end she said something about OM and how she knows I won't believe this but she's not talking to him. I said well, yeah, I could have told you THAT! (He is way done w/ her!) So then somehow the conv. segues to her saying she just didn't feel cherished and treasured like she wanted and me saying that's why I thought 5LL was such a great book... We talked about that briefly and then said goodbye. Actually had to talk a coupld more times over the next few days about the kids and it was always a good conv. We really do parent well! And pretty much get along. But then she went dark.. Didn't even respond to an email I sent her about something funny D15 said that I thought she would appreciate. Last Friday she went on a field trip w/ S11 and then took him home to her apt... He called me and left me a msg. saying he hoped it was okay. I called her Apt and talked to him; said I did have plans (was going to take him and D to the new Xmen movie) but that was okay, have fun. Asked if I could talk to Mom but he said she was sleeping. So 15 min. later she calls and is kinda terse w/ me (maybe from slping) and says she can bring him out to the house if it's a problem. I said No, it's no big deal and you guys can have some time together. BUT, I added, last Sun. you told the kids you were teaching and it wasn't on the calendar and you weren't working. I pick the kids up when I get off work at 8am on Sunday's b/c you work or teach, but YOU are supposed to have them until Sund. PM. I felt like you were kinda presumptious in expecting me to pick them up so you could go do something.. She got snitty w/ me about how I'm presumptious in thinking that she'll watch them when I'm working etc.... which is what we agreed on and is only two evenings and one overnight...
So she basically said if there's nothing else GOODBYE. Well, Sat morning I had to call her about some issues w/ D15 and we were discussing that! I could tell she was still kinda snarky so I just pretended everything was fine and asked if she and S had a good evening and said D and I went out to dinner and it's probably good for them to have some time alone w/ each of us! She agreed and you could hear her tone soften. So we talked about D a bit... Then I said, let me ask you something... She said okay.... I said, you know a few weeks ago you said you didn't feel cherished/treasured etc. Is that how you REALLY feel? (she's said variations of this before) So she says YEP, that's how I really feel. I said so that's what this is ALL about, you not feeling cherished and that's why we're divorced, bottom line? She says, yeah, bottom line. (now I'm thinking, okay, reason #214!) So I said, you know there are a lot of people that have said they can tell I loved you very much and that are impressed that I was trying so hard to save my marriage, how could you think this? She got a little testy and said "WELL THEY DIDN'T LIVE W/ US!" I said true, but you know for the past 14 months I never once wavered in letting you know I was open to reconciling even when you were carrying on w/ (OM) Does that not tell you something about how solid and mature my feelings are, they aren't just puppy love infatuation that turns tail and runs? (like OM did ) She then went into the whole "now isn't the time to have this conv., I've got to get going and S11 is here. I said okay, it wasn't my intention to start a deep conv. I was just curious if that was how you really felt. I'm sorry you feel that way. Do you want to continue this convs. some other time? She said yes... so I said "well, I've always told you I'll listen to whatever you have to say, so just let me know when you want to talk" she said okay and I said gotta run, have a nice day.
Now the question is, did I do good DBing? And what is this all about? Is this something she wants to talk about and work around (eventually) Or is this just her being confused? And it really seems she is detaching. Spends very little time at the house w/ the kids anymore... Either takes them out or back to her apt... Oh, and for the 4th monthh in a row the CS check is over a week late. I don't say anything, I don't need the $$$. Thought about asking if $$ is tight (I think it is) but figured it wasn't my prob!!! You thoughts?
DavidM, I'm really glad ou were able to break some kind of ground with W. IMO I think that it is something that she really wants to talk about. I would not rush it or anything wait until she comes to you. You don't want to seem needy or pushy. Aslo IMO I do think this was good DBing, but then again I haven't been doing this very long. I just wish I could get my STBX to carry a conv with me with out either one of us getting pissy or him saying something to hurt my feelings.
Hey DavidM; nice post. I read the first part earlier in the afternoon and just finished the last part. It sounds like you guys have a great relationship in terms of the kids and open communication. The fact you could ask her whether she truly didn't feel cherished and then offer your own specific examples of how you DID cherish her, is really good.
I think you did good Dbing there.
So many people say they get along better divorced than married because the pressure's off and you can actually communicate about the issues. If your wife does bring this up again, as you invited her to do, maybe you could ask her for specific examples of what you did or did not do, that caused her to feel uncherished. It may give both her and you a better understanding.
About her detaching more... boy can I relate...my Ex is doing the same, interspersed with fits of his emailing he'd like to reconcile. While he goes thru the yo-yo's, I'm going to do some detaching of my own and GAL. My new acronym, I learned today. All the best,
Wow...I just came across this post. I am D'd now for 2 months. I don't know about the communication being better after divorced. My XW doesn't call or anything. She hasn't even called our S14. He is pretty pissed but I keep telling him that everything is about mom right now. She still loves you but has other priorities.
Anytime I talk to her she honestly turns everything into an arguement...never did this when we were married....15 YEARS DOWN THE CRAPPER!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OKAY, now I'm really puzzled. Last week the kids and I were on Vacation out west. S11 called XW EVERY DAY... D15 only talked to her once. I called XW once to see how she was doing as she was sick AND it was the anniv. of our second miscarriage and I knew it bothered her. So we talked a bit about stuff and she eventually said (for the third time since the Div) that she just wanted to be cherished and to know that I REALLY wanted to be w/ her. And I said that she had never once in all these years asked how I was with the miscarriage, that she seemed to act as though she had a monopoly on grief. She just said she didn't think it mattered to me which hurt her even more... W/E. But it was a good conversation...
Now we're home and I left a note the other day that she could transfer pics of the kids on vaca. from my memory stick and then return it. Also, to please return several books (I listed them) that she had ended up w/ over the past year. Today I left a note that we had another bill from the accountant and if she would pay X amount, I'd pay the rest (I was paying more than half!) So I come home today and she left a check, (good) and three books in a bag (only one of which was on the list of books I specifically asked for...) and that was it. NO NOTE, NO, "Hey thanks for the pics..." nothing.
To her credit she did call yest. and wish me Happy Bday, but that was only because the kids left my present/card in her van and to tell me I'd get it tomorrow... So I'm curious WTF is going on. Has she detached THAT much? Is she still pissed at me b/c I DIDN'T do something? Or is she starting to think that maybe she screwed up? (doubtful) I just wonder how freakin hard it is to leave a pleasant note saying thanks...
I keep thinking I should just stay dark...and then I think I should send her the lengthy letter addressing her comment about not being cherished since she hasn't said anything about continueing that conv. even though she said she wanted to at some point... And the letter about how I felt over the past 17 years...! Plus pretty soon I'm going to get fed up enough that I'm going to tell her to get her stuff out of the house, that we are divorced, I'm not a storage facility. Whewwww. That said, it's time for some fun once I get off tomorrow AM!!!!
faraway, I know exactly what you are saying mine doesn't call at all unless it is his time for the kids and then he hardly calls to let them know if he is getting them on fri or sat. anyway I have been div. about 3 weeks now and things are finally looking up for me which I couldn't see at all before. well have a good day and sorry it took so long but I have moved over to surviving the big D you should check it out lots of good advice there Joa.
) She then went into the whole "now isn't the time to have this conv., I've got to get going and S11 is here. 
boy can I relate...my Ex is doing the same, interspersed with fits of his emailing he'd like to reconcile. While he goes thru the yo-yo's, I'm going to do some detaching of my own and GAL. My new acronym, I learned today. 
