My husband of 17 years is in full blown replay of MLC. Affair, earing, thinking of tattoo, moved out, acting like a teenager, etc. We have 2 children 14 and 11.
He is having an affair with a co-worker who is married with 4 children. To justify this affair he gets meaner and nastier to me.
I have had it. I just want to call this woman's husband and fill him in. Her lies to my husband have pushed such a wedge between us that it is not fair. Has anyone else contacted the ow spouse anonymously or had someone else do it?
This week has pushed me to the edge and I need advice. I received on-line cc statement with charge to motel. He took d11 to have lunch with OW without asking -just to be mean and spiteful. Claims to have no money yet can afford motel.
I did tell the OW's husband about the A. The way I did it was very calmly and emotionlessly. I explained the situation and shared the "facts" (I had cell phone records and sent a copy to him). In my personal situation I didn't say anything I didn't have proof of (like I didn't know if they were sleeping together, but I suspect they may have).
But whatever I was certain of I shared (i.e. stayed out late after a class they had together, went together overnight to Disneyland... I don't have proof here they had sex, but they both did go overnight so chances are likely something did happen...).
Whenever you do anything like this it's best to be calm and logical and not come across as a jealious raving lunatic (so they can't come back and just accuse you of being crazy!).
My reasons for informing the OW's husband was that I felt is was important he be aware of this threat to his marriage. I wished him well in reparing any damage and eventually building a strong marriage.
Although, in my situation (which is probably much different than yours) I did talk with OW first and told her she might want to tell her H about the A before I did. So she did get some advance warning that this was going to happen. I don't necessarily recommend this to you.... these situations can differ quite a bit.
But I did feel her husband had a right to know what was going on. I know if I were him, I'd want to know.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
In my sitch I feel so hurt by this woman. She works at a bar with my husband and set her claws into him from day one. Told him she was opening a bar and he would manage it (now he tells me it fell through).
On the night he moved out is was spurred by a lie she told him that I called her a name. The time she said that i called her this....he was sitting next to me. He took her word over mine even though he was right there.
I guess it looks like I'm out for revenge. I am so angry. I am also scared to tell her husband, that is why I thought to do it anonymously. (not very grown-up...but ).
Anyway, my rollercoaster ride with my husband continues. Wed. I had screaming. Today tears. I love my husband and think that if the ow husband found out....maybe he will snap out of it.
Please let me know what happened when you told him. THanks.
My situation is differerent from yours. They live in another state. Also, I warned her I was going to tell her husband about it so I imagine she described me as some jealious crazy person.
I'm glad I did it, but my husband and OW were FURIOUS!!! My husband called me extremely angry and gave OW my home phone number. She called and explained that she was happy in her marriage, didn't plan to ever see my husband again and said her husband was very angry about me calling him (saying I was harrassing them... I think this was a bluff on her part because she was so upset about me contacting him. He was very nice on the phone so I think she just basically was trying to scare me so I'd stay out of her life).
In your situation, doing this anonimously sounds like a good idea. Still, they may suspect you did it and be very angry. If there's anyway you could get a male to call and leave a message or tell him (or have someone else write a letter in their handwriting), that would probably be best. Good luck!
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
I told and it ended the affair immediately. I wish I told right away instead of hoping things would just fizzle out. Exposing the betrayal brings everyone back to reality. I wrote a letter and just stated the facts - that was plenty.
My only constructive thing to add to this thread is that the point of DB is not to end affairs, it's to save marriages. Those are sometimes VERY different goals.
Ending an affair does not necessarily ensure a saved marriage, ESPECIALLY if the LBS doesn't ever really take stock of their OWN contributions to the bad marriage.
The affair is only ONE problem in any marriage. A big one, but in almost, aw hell, call it EVERY case there is much more wrong than cheating and by only focusing on the affair, not only is that WAS in denial of that fact, but the LBS becomes that way too.
Thanks for all of the responses. Have been really busy at work and could not reply.
To date, I have not told the OW husband about the affair, although after WAH spewed this weekend, I told him that I am thinking about it.
This whole MLC thing has me in such a tizzy. When I GAL and do things with the kids, he calls d11 and quizzes her on our activities. I cut flowers from the garden and put them in a vase and he asks me suspiciously who sent the flowers. WHY SHOULD HE CARE!! I get a new hairdo and he asks if I am seeing someone.
He is living free and easy at his sister's house. Works as a bartender (anywhere between 2-4 nights per week). He has all day to be with our kids at home while I am at work, yet when he has d11 call me to ask if she can sleep at his sister's with him and I say no because she has a cold and doesn't need to sleep in the damp basement with him, he starts the venum flowing. Never mind the fact that he was with OW all day and came by for daughter at 5 pm. He then says I am denying him access to the children. DO THEY NO WHAT THEY ARE SAYING? ARE THEIR MINDS THAT SCRAMBLED?
So now I don't know what to do. He says when he has $1500 her will be able to file for D. I don't know if he really is going to file. All I know is that everyone is suffering and he acts as if it is no big deal.
SO SORRY FOR THE RAMBLING......MY other question is why does he make remarks about what we do and who we are doing it with. Why does he turn around after and say he hopes I find somebody (is it to hear me say...there is no one but you?)? How do you respond!
