I seem to only post when I need to vent - sorry about that. Things had been better lately after I read a book about living with depressed people. It really helped me understand my husband and not allow his constant, chronic depression to bother me. However, now the depressed of all depressed people I know is coming to visit - my 89 y/o mother-in-law. She has been suffering from chronic depression for as long as I have known her - over 20 years. She is on many anti-depressants without success. Her constant refrain is "don't get old". She said that the first time I met her and it is her constant refrain. My response is always "it's better than the alternative!" again - a response I've expressed for over 20 years now. She was to come in May and I managed to talk my husband out of her visit because I was so busy with my kids and my oldest ended up in the hospital with an appendectomy. Now, however, even after telling hubby that i can't handle his mother anymore he ultimately said it didn't matter what I wanted, she was coming. Then his sister called asking about a visit from her mom and I told her the same thing - that I just couldn't handle her coming anymore and again, the same response. I have had mother-in-law here every summer for over a month for 5 years straight. She is like an unpleasant black cloud that descends over our home. I cry uncontrollably for weeks before she comes. I am trying my best to control this but I need some suggestions. I don't know what irks me the most about this whole situation: the fact that my husband could care less (and my in-laws) about how I feel or that she is coming. It is like having a fourth child in the house. DH simply sits in his room and sleeps or hangs out in his "four walls" while i do all the cleaning, cooking and child care. Now I will have a fourth child who is also basically helpless (although for 89 she is remarkably healthy, she will not leave the house). Her own daughters do not take her for more than 2 - 3 days. She now lives in an assisted living facility. I did manage to put my foot down to limit her visit to 2 weeks. I realize it is good for her to see her grandkids - we have the youngest kids in the extended family but my sons have a difficult time with her too. Please give me any suggestions that you might have. Thanks! TX
"The fact that my husband could care less (and my in-laws) about how I feel or that she is coming."
But of course! Why should he care, because:
"DH simply sits in his room and sleeps or hangs out in his "four walls" while i do all the cleaning, cooking and child care. Now I will have a fourth child who is also basically helpless (although for 89 she is remarkably healthy, she will not leave the house)."
EXCUSE me? YOU do all the work while HE not only helps you, but he "sits in his room" so he can blithely escape all the bedlam inflicted by HIS mother? Yes, it's kind and the right thing to do to treat his mother as you would your own, and care for her. As a Christian myself I couldn't agree more. But you don't have to shoulder an unfair burden while he does nothing.
Uh...I don't think so. If my wife EVER tried to pull such a stunt on me she'd never get away with it, because I'd never take it, and neither should you.
He has her over, HE has to share in the responsibility. None of this walling himself off and leaving you to do all the work. You need to be assertive and put your foot down. And if that's unthinkable, then you use the other options available to you.
1) LEAVE. No, I don't mean permanently! But temporarily. Pull the same crap on him that he's pulling on you. TAKE OFF. (Even Jesus made sure He got away from the crowds every so often - He didn't spend every spare moment tending His sheep). Go for a shopping trip, a walk, a ride....anything to take you out of the house. Grab your keys and your purse...and GO before he can do anything about it. Particularly on weekends. HIS time off will go towards caring for HIS mother. He wants to get the credit for being a good son and taking care of Mom...then HE'S got to do his share of the work...not foist it off on you. Just get out of there for a while, and don't leave him any choice in the matter. Let him fend for himself - and Mom - on his own for at least a reasonable part of the time.
2) In between times, when necessary and reasonable, YOU wall yourself up in YOUR room. If he can do it, so can you. Or better yet, at least a day or two a week, announce that "the kitchen is closed" and he will either be cooking or taking you and Mom OUT to dinner if he wants to eat anything that day. It's the least he can do after subjecting you to this degree of stress.
Quote: DH simply sits in his room and sleeps or hangs out in his "four walls" while i do all the cleaning, cooking and child care. Now I will have a fourth child who is also basically helpless (although for 89 she is remarkably healthy, she will not leave the house). Her own daughters do not take her for more than 2 - 3 days. She now lives in an assisted living facility. I did manage to put my foot down to limit her visit to 2 weeks. I realize it is good for her to see her grandkids - we have the youngest kids in the extended family but my sons have a difficult time with her too. Please give me any suggestions that you might have. Thanks!
In what ways does your normal schedule change? Does your husband normally stay in his room? (What exactly is "his room"?)
How old are the children? Do you and your husband both work and if so, is it the standard 8 to 5, M - F type schedule? Who normally cooks & cleans?
Life has been busy so I haven't been able to reply. Thank you! for your comments. My sons are 11, 14, and 17. I work part time in my husband's office. I do most of the cleaning and all of the cooking at home. H has been doing a lot of laundry lately which really helps with 2 teenagers in the house. The boys do the yardwork and keep their rooms clean and help with chores but I do the cooking only.
I love your suggestions about leaving the house. the last time mom-in-law came I took the kids out of town for a weekend and also made H get up with her when we had a thunder storm and she freaked out. He learned then that i would not sit with her much. I cook and clean for her and get her her favorite foods but I DO NOT SIT WITH HER! She makes me crazy. H has already made statements about me hanging out with her more which I will not do. It is not worth the stress on me to do that. when she comes it is like having another child because she is so needy. Understand that this neediness is not a new thing - she has been chronically depressed for as long as I have known her. This depression seems to run in their family - one of her sisters was also very depressed (like having a black cloud around) but her children knew how to deal with her better - they basically allowed her to "stew in her juices" and not let it bother them, although they visited her and were kind to her. My H's family seem to think they can cheer mom-in-law up by catering to her every whim. IT DOESN'T WORK! and I don't usually try. I have really come to some peace about this whole thing. I will "kill her with kindness" because I am a believer but i will not allow her to make me unhappy.
Hey, my m-in-law went home Saturday and we lived through it but I need to vent again. She was a sad pathetic mess this time - more confused than I've ever seen her. She spent the first 3 days yelling at us for stealing her clothes and changing her apartment around. She had no idea where she was. She would look at my 2 oldest sons and ask if they were brothers, they looked so alike. I had to put the kids on "grandma duty" so she would never be left alone. The rest of the visit she would ask us the same questions over and over - it was very sad and i don't think it was good for her to be taken out of her environment ( an assisted living center) to come visit us. At one point her daughter called and asked how things were going. I said I had never seen her this bad and her comment back, "You've never seen her this old." I did let my H do most of the work but after 1 week of her not getting her pills regularly I had to do that myself.
Why did she come to visit us? Because her daugher and my husband didn't want to travel up to see her and this got rid of their guilt. I really am so angry about this whole situation. I also see my future when I see my mom-in-law. This whole family i married into is very self-centered, depressed and selfish. It is always about them.
While driving in the car with my sons the other day I thought I am with my 3 most favorite people in the world. How will I live with H when they leave? My oldest will be a senior next year and can't wait to move out.
Someone asked me earlier about situation regarding work/etc. I work for my husband - I manage his office, do the janitorial and even transcription ( we have a part-timer who only works 3 afternoons a week - she won't work mornings or Fridays and is just about as spoiled as my H is!) I also do all work at home (H does do laundry sometimes) while sons do lawn work. I am a high energy person and don't mind this stuff when our sex life is good. For the first 10 years of marriage it was so no problem. But without sex on a regular basis, marriage is just not worth the effort. I am reaching the boiling point and talking to H does no good at all.
Corri, Absolutely! But I'm in a box with no way out it seems. I spoiled my hubby when we first got married and didn't bother to meet his family until the day before the wedding. I will look up fixers because this pot is about to boil over. Tex
Corri, I looked up the fixer stuff - IT WAS GREAT! I do see myself in all of this. About 2 months ago i read a book about living with depressed people and it helped tremendously - but I relapsed. Also, while mom-in-law was here I read a wonderful little book called Hannah's Gift - about a 3 y/o who died of cancer. It sounds like a real downer but it was a very uplifting book with some tremendous nuggets of wisdom. Her mother wrote it and mentioned something that loomed very large for me: she had catered to her husband from the beginning of her marriage and found it to be a very controlling thing - it made her feel worthy of being loved if everyone looked to her as the "answer" for their needs. Thanks - a lot of time I just am too busy "fixing" people to read and explore this site. Tex
