I would love to know if this book was written or not. I am reading Sex-Starved Marriage, but am disappointed as to how little it addresses the Higher-Drived Wife.
My husband and I have been marriage 6 1/2 years, 3 children and lots of stresses. When we were dating, he was up for sex when I initiated it. I thought it was rather odd, but as long as he went along with it I didn't care. Then I had an ectopic pregnancy and he thought he was going to "hurt" me again. I told him it was ridiculous to think that way... but the sex got less and less infrequent. We also didn't have sex on our wedding night and only had sex on our honeymoon a couple times (which really pissed me off!). The most special trip and he acts like a prude. I'm very upset about this!
Then he went out two years ago and had an "emotional" affair. There was kissing and I think there was sex since they went to a hotel TWICE. He denies it. Considering his history though... it might be true. We nearly got divorced. He moved out, filed papers, etc... then came to his senses (thanks to advice from books like Divorce Remedy). That first month home was like a dream and we had sex everday! I even got tired of it! Then we missed a day... then skipped a few more days... then I found out I was pregnant with baby #3. So it became less and less. Since having the baby 13 months ago, sex happens only about once a month. I would be happy with once a week. He gets upset with me whenever I try to initiate sex and I try to point out that most of the time we do things his way! It's his choice to not be initimate not mine. I have to live with HIS sex-drive. He's happy with nothing - although I have found him looking at porn on his computers in his office!! I told him I didn't mind it if he'd include me in it! It bothers me he'll be down in his office with me upstairs WISHING he'd have sex with me. It just doesn't make sense.
What am I supposed to do? I'm not done with your book yet, but it really discourages me to hear about all these other men who would LOVE for their wives to have sex with them... I'd do anything for a husband like that.
Our relationship is very rocky and I'm trying to maintain some sense of intimacy (after HIS affair) and he continues to push me away. I am SO SO tempted to go find it from someone else. But with 3 small children, I couldn't risk breaking up their family. I'm so unhappy.
Hi Dove. Michele doesn't usually drop into the forums much, but there are many people here who are helpful. I don't think she's written the book about higher drive wives. Not yet, anyway.
Sorry you are so sad. There are no quick fixes, but hang around here and tell us more about yourself, maybe read some other threads, and I think you'll learn some things about your situation and yourself.
One thing that jumps out at me is that you two have been through a real wringer and could probably benefit from MC (marriage counseling). Have you tried it before?
I am also brand new to this BB as a sex-starved wife with a husband who has always had a LD. I'm not a novice by far, but I have really gotten some great advice lately. I told my story in depth. This really gave people a good idea of my situation. I recommend you do the same.
Just by reading your initial post, it seems like your only problem in this case isn't only the lack of sex. It appears your husband has a drive for sex...but just redirects it to the porn you mentioned. See, my husband has a low sex drive and he doesn't indulge into anything like that...he's not interested at all, is what I am trying to say. He'll "talk the talk" when he's with the guys and chuckle at emails they send...but he doesn't even have a drive to look at other women (which you would think I would be greatful for). He, in fact, is being treated for low testosterone - which isn't always the reason for a low drive.
Anyway, what I am trying to say is both of you seem to still be recovering from his affair. It sounds like the book you read did a lot of help, but marriage takes long-term maintenance; and, in my opinion, you are always going to be recovering from something like that. You can forgive, but the human mind does not forget unfortunately. How is your marriage aside from your sex life? It just seems like the lack of sex goes deeper given your past. Maybe if you shared more of the "big picture" of your marriage people could chime in more with advice.
I'll do my best...buy I for sure am no expert. But, I guess none of us are. We are all her for 2 reasons to get help and support and to give it!!!
Just to fill you in on me and how I think...I am a big advocate of marriage. I feel that when I vowed "for better or for worse" and "til death do us part" I was in it for the long run. I do have my exceptions...and in your case, I give you incredible credit to come through what you did with your husband. I admire your strength and consider you to be a Super Wife! I know working through problems takes so much out of you...but unfortunately there' that whole "Marriage Maintenance" think I mentioned earlier where the work continues unfortunately.
I just wanted to let you know you are not at all alone in your situation. I too have a low drive husband who had a supposed ea...dealt with a seperation...had him return with the ssm issue seeming to be resolved ( that was really a great time!!) only to return to the same old pattern of only when he wants it (which is not very often..even went 6 months with nothing at all but myself ugh!), My not initiating due to fear of rejection and the aggrivation going alone with being rejected.
It's a tough road to travel. sure there are times when I think to myself "I let him come home for this?" but I know that right now my kids and I are better off having him here even though there still seems to be something missing.
I'm not giving up hope but I'm having a hard time hanging in there as well.
You may notice that I have an obsene number of posts...please note the date as well and realize those posts have been accumilated over a number of years and that the majority of them were made during the seperation and threat of d from my h (all while I was under thirty with two kids under 3 mind you). I don't post often anymore but if you post again I'll keep an eye out for you and maybe we can help eachother figure out these enigmas were married to.
I noticed you only made one post. Hopefully you'll get back to us soon and let us know how things are going.
Just by reading your initial post, it seems like your only problem in this case isn't only the lack of sex. It appears your husband has a drive for sex...but just redirects it to the porn you mentioned.
Cloe, That is a very good point. Yes, he must have an appetite for sex but just not with ME! We do argue, as most couples do on occasion, but for some reason he doesn't do "make-up sex". I've tried to read him "Sex-Starved Marriage" and he listened to a couple chapters but isn't interested in anymore. BUT, we are going on a vacation and it's a very long drive, so I might just read to him while we go. ??
You know what I just can't understand? How someone who supposedly loves someone so much will just flat-out ignore a desparate plea for affection. He calls me a nympho! Just b/c I want it preferrably 1-2 x's per week. YIKES!! Lock me up!! I have NEVER once in our marriage turned him away (he probably has made the first move maybe - and I'm really giving him the benefit of the doubt here - maybe 10 times! (Of course we must not count the MAKE-UP sex for the month after he moved home)
We have been to counseling numerous times. Oddly enough the sex part barely made it to the table b/c we always had other bigger issues to deal with. MC always told us that once the relationship is happy, the sex will come. Well, it didn't. And now he won't go to counseling since we're getting along about 4-5 days out of 7. Maybe I'll go to bed furious with him once a week (of course I'd still love to have sex with him so we could neutralize everything... but that just doesn't happen.)
We're not a young couple - both in our mid 30s. I just remember all my other boyfriends I had and all the great sex we had... I wish I could reminise about all the great sex my husband and I had!!! He's a very traditional guy, only in the bed and no where else man. So my dreams of doing it in all the rooms went out the window along time ago! *sigh* It's a shame.
I've asked him to go to the doc and get a testosterone test (even called the office and asked them to check it) and when he went in he didn't mention it (probably was embarrassed). Oh that mad me mad!!! So, we don't know if he has low Testosterone or not - my hunch is yes.
When we met he had just broken up with a long-term g/f. 9 yrs. I told him that I didn't want him to be "just friends" with her since I knew from experience that most girls don't wanna be "just friends"... they are "just friends" until ex-bf is having relationship problems, then they become the shoulder to cry on and one thing leads to another... not a good idea. So, he contacted her secretly months b4 our separation 2 yrs ago - just to see how she was b/c he cared. She had moved 1200 miles (just like he did when he married me) and was now in the same area we were! See what I mean about ex's!? She apparently was married though... but how convenient it would have been had she not been married! I may not be married right now!! *sigh* So, he may or may not have a "fatherly" concern for her anymore. Odd that he blames me for so much of our separation yet he was the one calling ex gf's! Like that will make a marriage stronger when you're thinking of an ex-gf. Who knows... he thinks I can't handle it if he talked about her! If I can handle an affair... I think I can handle discussing his ex sweetheart.
Ummm... I'm trying to explain my situation as best I can... so please forgive all the rambling. We still haven't discussed that affair of his by the way. Oh he says we have, but I say we haven't. He's never answered all the questions I had and he probably never will. Just wants to sweep it under the rug. Well, it may be under his rug, but it's a big dust ball in the middle of my floor!! However, it's getting better for me though b/c sometimes I can drive past that hotel where they were and not even think to curse it! So I'm making progress. ;-) he he
Thanks for letting me vent here. It really does help to get it off my chest. I'm sorry I seem to be so angry. I guess that is what happens when you don't have sex very often!! Makes me a bit edgy. He can't understand that of course... so I'm just bitchy and naggy to him. I'll keep reading... sure wish "Sex-Starved Wife" would come out soon! There are a lot of women out there like me!
Ok...your H has a SD, but it's not directed at you. BTDT. How are you treated...aside from the sexual issue? Is everything else basically pretty good in your R except for this?
What type of women do you feel he does find sexually attractive? Here's why I ask....I only recently discovered (after three years of working on this) that my H and I are dealing with something called whore/madonna syndrom. Feel free to read up on my threads....but basically what this means is that my H has become conditioned to believe that "sex" is something you do with someone you don't admire, love, respect....it's something that a "good" woman shouldn't be defiled with, and that you do sexual things with a "slut/whore".
Now, I'm not saying this is necessarily the case with your H...but it's definitely something to pay attention to. I didn't know this was the case until I found out that my H was looking at porn online (and completely ignoring me...and my pleas for affection) and participating on websites such as Adult Friend Finders. As painful as that discovery was (he's lucky he escaped with his life) it was the catalyst that sparked real improvement in our M. My H has/had a tendancy to look at Pamela Sue Anderson types....someone I could never be even if I wanted to (and I don't). Lets face it...Pamela Sue may be an intelligent woman in her own right, but she doesn't exactly put off the persona of being a "respectable" type of woman....obviously she fits well into the slut/whore category....just in the way she dresses and often behaves.
My H thoroughly respects me and loves me....so he's put me up on a pedestal not to be defiled. He wouldn't dare tarnish my character by doing something as dirty as having sex with a woman of my character (in his mind). The battle we're facing now (and we're making great headway) is to get him to take me down off of that pedestal and see me as the sexual woman that I am too. Lemme tell ya...it's not easy for his brain to shift into this either. It takes a whole different way of seeing things for him.
Well we got back from our (sexless) vacation. When we got home we had the babysitter watch the kids for the evening while we went out to dinner. It was great. Then we had an intimate night. This was a great day for us and I don't understand why he doesn't want this kind of time more often with me.
You asked if we get along well in the rest of our relationship... lately not exactly. We're moving out of state in the next month so our lives are full of stress and changing jobs, etc... so it's not exactly prime love-making situations to deal with (in his opinion). Just trying to talk to him is difficult lately. I really need to ask the Lord for some patience and maybe a zipper to zip my mouth shut with when he starts snapping at me and I snap right back. I've never been good at shutting my mouth around him but he's the yeller. Lately I've been the foul-mouthed wife just fed up with him.
He told me the night that we went out on a date to a fancy ocean-front restaurant that he does like sex and when he comes to bed naked then he's interested in sex. Well last night he came to bed naked and I wasn't sure of it since he'd been in such a pissy mood lately, so I didn't do anything. Then he put his hand on my side (I was turned away from him on my side) and so I reached for his hand and rolled over and we layed there talking for a while. Then I layed my hand on his chest... trying to get a feel for his mood. (I've got to tip-toe around him constantly in this area or he'll just flat out shut me down) Soon after I put my hand on his chest he said his whole body was itchy after doing some yard work (even though he just had a shower). So I asked if he wanted me to scratch his back. He said No, not to touch him. If my body were itching, I would totally enjoy having my back scratched, but he doesn't like scratching, massaging, rubbing, nothing. It's almost like he doesn't enjoy pleasure with his body at all. So, I said that I didn't understand how he could not like his back scratched if it were itchy. Honestly, I think it was an excuse for me not to do anything further with him, so I rolled back over and went to sleep, silently cursing him in my mind. Everytime I heard him move, I was hoping he was moving closer to me, but he wasn't. He never makes the first move and I just hate him for that. It makes me feel totally sad. Oh well. It helps to just talk about how discouraged I am feeling.
That sad, discouraged feeling that really eats away at my spirit. I'm still hopeful our relationship will turn around and be healthy and happy. Maybe this move will be good for us.?? If it's not, then I'll be even more sad. We're currently living in the home I grew up in as a little girl, so I'm loosing a lot and sacrificing a lot to move cause once we sell this house we can't return and ask for it back! It's going to be much harder for me than anyone else (besides my parents who are staying here in town). My husband wants to leave and says he doesn't like this house, that he didn't choose this house and therefore doesn't like doing any work around here. (I think it's another excuse personally) We'll see if he changes at our new house... I think he's fooling himself - but not me. Is it normal to inwardly hate your husband? Silently I curse him constantly b/c he just is such a rude sob. This probably isn't healthy for us, but I hate him so much lately. I don't know how to get out of this mindframe. How do you love an unloveable husband????
Quote: I'm still hopeful our relationship will turn around and be healthy and happy. Maybe this move will be good for us.??
Sweetherat, hope is all well and good, but this sitch will not get better all by itself. The move alone will probably NOT make things better-- why would it?
Are you uncertain about giving up your childhood home and moving? Are you secretly thinking, "If I make this sacrifice for him, he will naturally want to make a sacrifice for me?" If so, down that path lies resentment. If you want to move and you can do it wholeheartedly, fine-- but if you're thinking that will flip some switch and change him... think again.
Refresh my memory and bring us up to date... what are y'all actually DOING to make this marriage better for each other. What are you doing? What is he doing?
