Just a quick aside. Lexapro is terrible for the libido. At least it is for women. I do not know if it has the same effect for men but it would seem likely.
Gone the carvings and those who left their mark. Gone the kings and queens, now only the rats hold sway.
(Lexapro is well tolerated by most people. The most commonly reported side effects of Lexapro are nausea, insomnia, problems with ejaculation, somnolence, increased sweating, fatigue, decreased libido, and anorgasmia. Most of the side effects experienced by patients taking Lexapro are mild to moderate and go away with continued treatment, and usually do not cause patients to stop taking Lexapro.)
So....I guess I'd have to say that with his current eating habits (which are somewhat similar to my H's .... although he has no problem with fruits and veggies LOL)....and his lack of activity (no excercise with an office job is a killer in and of itself....my butt can testify to that one.)...I'm not really surprised his libido has taken a serious nose-dive. If he already has a low T-level, which in and of itself is a pretty good cause of lack of libido...and then he's put on a medication where loss of sex drive is a possible side-affect, I'd think he's kind of getting a double whammy in that area. It honestly sounds to me like both of you ought to go visit his Dr. together.
Is it possible for his Dr. to put him on an alternative medication instead of Lexapro (Zoloft...same thing).
Ok...on to counseling When you approach him about Dr's...or therapy. How do you go about it? My H was also very resistent to both things....however I found that when I approached him with an "I want you to go with me, to help me work through this....and to help me learn to deal with this" attitude, it helped to take the pressure off of him feeling like he was under the microscope. This is a problem you two have to work through as a team....right now, he's very likely feeling like he's the one who'se defective, you need to let him know that you are willing to work just as hard as he has to.....to deal with the problems you will have to as well.
My H was resistent to therapy because he felt like I was going to go in there on a fault-finding mission, to prove I was right. He didn't know me very well back then LOL. It took me some time to get him to understand that wasn't my motive for therapy, that I truly needed to learn to deal with issues too....if we were going to make it through in one piece, but that I needed his help in order to do that. It really did help me get him into therapy. Then once we found someone he was really comfortable with, that helped too. She has a great approach with him and he doesn't feel threatened by her.
Now as for doing things for you.....absolutely, definitely...you need to do this. Especially now that I understand the dynamic you and your H have. Take a class...learn a language, join a gym, heck...you like to read, join a reading club that has meetings to discuss the books. Get out and do some stuff on your own for YOU. It's absolutely crucial that you have things that make you feel good....outside of your R with your hubby. Otherwise hon, you risk losing yourself within your M....and that's not a good thing either in the long-run. My H and I live out in the country....so it's not often convenient for me to just run off and do things for me. So when I can....I go riding by myself. I just saddle up Stormy (one of my paints) and take off while my H watches our 3yr old son. It gives me time by myself doing something I really enjoy, and it give me the benefit of great exercise too. When I can...I also go to a gym that is on my drive home for a couple of hours just to spoil myself (even if it is sitting in the massage chairs for 30 minutes after work to destress). Aside from that....I'm an art lover, so I have a membership to one of our local museums here in Tulsa. Once a month they have a gathering where we get to preview incoming collections and have a wine-tasting. It is something I go to regularly, whether or not my H goes with me. It's something I did before I met him, and it's something I keep up today....because I enjoy it.
I also want to let you know this....how you are feeling right now....is completely normal. Of course you feel rejected, you feel angry, resentful, confused, depressed etc. It affects a woman at the core of her being when her mate....doesn't act like he finds her sexually appealing. It starts to affect your self-perception, your self-confidence, your sense of humor, your energy level....you name it, somehow it creeps in there and affects it. Your dreams? NORMAL I had those, and still do.....you do not control what goes on in your subconcious while you sleep.
To help you deal with your feelings about all of this I truly do suggest you see an IC of your own. If you can get your H into MC you might both be able to see that same therapist individually as well, that's what my H and I do. It gives me some sense of comfort in knowing that she's getting a fuller picture than a regular IC would be. My H is also more likely to open up to her without me around...and this way one person has a complete picture of both sides of the situation.
Now time to ask some questions of you. When you tell your H what you want of him....what do you say? How do you phrase what Cloe wants? What actions do you tell him you want to see from him? I ask because all too often when we try to communicate our wants/needs to our spouses....we are too vague. We don't really give them specific actionable items that they can do....that we will recognize as efforts on their part. So, they are left to do what they think we want (i.e.....your H getting leachy with you).
I really feel for your situation. To think of how young you and your marriage are and to be having such severe problems at this point breaks my heart.
I agree with what others are saying. Plainly put, if the situation continues as is, you will most likely want to get out of the marriage at some point and children will make that very difficult to do. I think that most of us here sense your commitment to family and sense of responsibility to others. This could translate into an unbreakable desire to keep the family together later for the sake of the children but at the expense of your own emotional well-being. I speak from my own experience, although my situation is not a dire as yours and I remain married to a LD spouse.
Has H ever stated to you whether he thought sex was important in a marriage or not? Is it possible that, due to either a natural or induced low libido, he doesn't understand the importance of a full sexual life to a marriage? It could be possible. This is where the SSM book will help. By reading he may see the importance of sex in the marriage from a POV other than yours which may get him to more readily accept counseling.
Get him into counseling, continue work get him to see what he is happening to the marriage but, IMHO, do not hang on for the sake of hanging on.
My H has been on Lexapro since November...same time he started his T treatment. His T treatment 1st consisted of Androgel - a topical, daily gel treatment that absorbs through the skin into the blood stream - and then because that did not work he is now getting injections once a month. Honestly, I would say that the Lexapro has not made a significant change and I feel and have always felt that if he would just eat a more balanced diet, exercise and do more fun things for himself (have a guys night out, go fishing, whatever) that he would have better benefits in how he feels and deals with things. We were aware of the side effects when he started taking it, but the Dr. made us feel that the low libido side effect would not be drastic (besides, how much worse could it have gotten). But, I understand, it doesn't help the situation.
Getting him to try other things
The problem though is that I am a "broken record" all the time about his diet and exercise. It requires a lot of energy on my part to get him to make simple changes. I can't just be real nice and suggest something to him...I have to pound him over the head daily for months and fight with him until he actually changes. I know that sounds horrible, but I have tried lots of other approaches. He's like a stubborn child. But once he changes, he thanks me and acts like it took nothing for him to change. I am just so tired and worn out of this routine to get him to do anything (eat 3 meals a day, go the Dr. for a physical, get his T tested, take his vitamins, etc) that I just feel like he needs to take care of himself and I need to take care of myself. I'm 24 and feel like I'm an double my age with all this stuff. It takes a lot of work and energy out of me...and it makes me into a person that I am not...and that's the hardest part. I am naturally a positive, fun loving, goofy, confident, big-hearted, sensitive girl...and I haven't felt that way in way too long. Once in a while I feel for a short moment the "real me" peeking through...but only when I am out in public by myself picking up a conversation with someone I don't know. As soon as I head home or talk to my husband on the phone...all that seems to drain instantly.
Both of us going to the Dr.
What exactly do you mean by suggesting we both go to the Dr. I just need a little clarification because we both had physicals in November and I usually go with him to all his appointments due to his fear of Dr.'s and "just as back-up". I really don't push my going with him, he just assumes it and seems much more comfortable. So...we have gone to the Dr. together for separate appt.'s and for his. What exactly do you mean?
Counseling
Yikes - I am horrible about this. Again, I try to start nice about this...but then it snow balls and I tend to say bad things. But, again, my initial approaches never work. It seems that I have to say extreme things to get him to do anything. So, it usually gets to the point that I tell him that he is the problem, but we're in this together. It gets very messy...as I'm sure you can imagine. I have a fiery temper and this situation does not bring out the best in me. It's a family trait from my father, unfortunately. Anyway, the simple mention of counseling (even if I used your approach, which is a good suggestion) puts him on an automatic defense no matter which way you put it. He was like this initially, and I am sure all my added angry comments do not help his natural defensive atitude. So, I know this is just another all out battle for me to try to get him into counseling...and, frankly, I am tired! That's why I want to try one more step (reading SSM together) before I enter that battle zone to go to counseling. Does that make sense?
What kind of counseling?
As for couselling, are you suggesting marital counseling or sex therapy? I am so apprehensive with the Sex Therapy thing because not only does that add more discomfort for my H, but it just seems it would be hard to find a good Sex Therapist without getting into all the weird stuff.
I do have to ask...Babies
Everyone seems to be telling me to hold off on the family until you get this "resolved". What exactly is the resolution? Everyone I seem to read about just learns how to deal with their LB partner...the LB partner doesn't change. So, is just learning how to deal with your LB partner the resolution?
How I communicate
I would describe the way I communicate with my H as brutally honest. I don't hold back. I feel is such desparation now that he should know how I feel. I do this almost as a "scare tactic" to get him to at least change. I know...bad. But, the situation has escaltated to this - I wasn't always like this. My communication to him has been like a roller coaster of extremes unfortunately, but all honest. I tell him all the time that he just needs to leave me alone when I am depressed - which usually gets me mad too - but he doesn't listen. When it comes to what I need emotionally, I ask him to at least try to do other nice things to help attempt to actually make up for the lack of sexual closeness. I explain to him all the little things he could be doing to help my self confidence and our relationship - but he just doesn't do it (like getting me a loving card once in a while, making me a cup of coffee in the morning, inviting my parents to our home for my birthday, giving me more respect as his wife and acting more loving when we're in public or with friends/family, stupid simple stuff that just makes me happy). As for the Sex situation, I just ask him if he could fake it once a a while just to make me feel a little better and not to tell me afterwards he was faking it. If he can't get aroused, I ask him if he could at least kiss me with a little passion - but I don't think he knows how. He goes on every day like nothing is wrong. But when it gets really bad for me and I desparately plead with him to help save our marriage, he will actually open up and he genuinely seems to be on the same page as me deep down inside. He confesses that he knows a good sex life is important, but I don't think he really knows in his heart...he has nothing to drive him to want that it seems. So, we have the deep, desparate conversations...I feel like he gets it. But, every time after that nothing changes and he continues to go on with his life as if we never had the conversation. I have told him time and time again that this is what people get divorced over so he sees the severity of the situation while reasurring him that I won't leave him...but it still doesn't motivate him to change. He feels that the fact that he is getting T shots is enough. But I feel that he needs to make life-altering decisions (diet, exercise, doing his hobbies) and do multiple things to try to reverse his problem - and soon so we don't loose any more time. We only live life once, but I feel that he is settling for a depressed marriage and he is bringing me down with him.
Sorry for my lengthy posts...is that normal? Thank you for your very kind and helpful words. It makes me feel more in control of the situation...like I am actually doing something again to help the situation. Your wise advice really makes alot of sense.
Today and Moving Forward
My H is overdue for his T shot, so I have to go remind him to call the Dr. again (the Doc was out last week). I hate that I have to remind him...why can't he just grow up and care enough to do it all by himself. You know? I think I will start pushing him harder to go out and play Basketball at the end of his work day and get him off the Lexapro. We have to schedule a Dr.'s appt for test his T levels to see how the injections have been working. So, we can talk to the Dr. about doing that. All this just takes alot more energy for me to get him to do this than it does for him to actually do it. I go through so many emotions when I have to push him to take care of himself (even getting his butt out of bed early because he always complains that he should wake up earlier in the morning - I hate doing this because he is such a jerk in the morning, yet he begs me to get him up early. This starts out my day horribly! So, I don't do it anymore. He needs to be a big boy). Anyway, and I have to get my butt in gear and get into some kind of routine with not working outside the home anymore and include some fun things for myself.
Thank you again for all your help! Sorry for the one-sided relationship...I hope I can be there for you one day as much as you have helped me already!
Thanks for the info about Lexapro...my thoughts on Lexapro I included in my post back to GEL. Please read the section titles "Lexapro" and "Today and Moving Forward".
I'm sure that the Lexapro hasn't appeared to make things any worse, but as you said....it probably isn't helping either. Out of curiosity....when it comes to his diet....who does the grocery shopping? I know in our home I'm the one who does the preponderance of it....there are certain things I just simply don't go buy. My H also drinks far too much soda.....now, when he wants it....he has to buy it. It obviously doesn't stop him from drinking it....but it does cut down the consumption I've noticed. I've also started keeping healthier snack foods in the house for him. Still stuff he likes, but the healthier alternatives. For example....my H is an ice-cream hound!!!! I found though that I could substitute his normally very high fat ice cream for a product called "All Fruit" it's like sherbert but with tons of fruit and high flavor.....he LOVES it!!! About the only two things I've found I can't substitute successfully are his potato chips and beer LOL.....but he has cut down on both. He recently had a bout with kidney stones....so he's seeing the benefit of changing his diet now. BUT...don't nag him about it.....that will only make him dig his heels in further and exhaust you. Nagging is a no-win situation.
What I mean by both of you getting to the Dr. is that I think you need to go to his Dr......with him for a visit, when he goes. I know with my H he's horrible about giving his Dr. the whole picture. There are many things he forgets to tell his Dr. or...simply thinks aren't important to tell him.....so often his Dr. doesn't get the gravity of the situation. If you go with him....then you can fill in the blanks.....you can also hear for yourself exactly what his Dr. tells him. That's what I meant.
Next...counseling. Ok, you need to remember you have control over YOUR behavior. If you find that things easily go the wrong direction when you try to broach something like counseling.....write him a letter. Read that letter over and over and over again....and make sure it doesn't sound like you are laying the blame for this situation directly at his feet. You need to try to keep the tone of your letter in the "I" perspective...."I feel", "I would like to go to counseling so we can.....", "I would like for us to......". Be very concious of not saying "you need to....." or "I need you to.....", that holds the danger of sounding like you are blaming him....or finding fault with him....stay away from it. If he's the type of person who would receive a letter well, give it to him.....with the statement of "please read this, and then lets discuss it later so I can hear your thoughts." If he doesn't receive letters well....then keep it with you when you have your next discussion to help draw you back to the topic at hand when things begin to get off track.
Now as for what type of counseling I'm talking about for you. Yes, I'd suggest the two of you find an excellent Marriage Counselor....one who can also see you both individually. One who specializes in marital issues. You can easily do a search on the internet for therapists in your area....many times they will list their specialties as well. Call some of them and do a brief phone interview to tell them your situation, let them know you are working to keep the marriage together, and ask what their style tends to be with couples. If someone won't take the time to talk with you....don't go to them. Some therapists obviously would need to call you back (that's what ours did)....if they truly do follow-up and call you back, that to me is a great indication that this is a therapist who cares.
And...yes, hold off on kids until you get this resolved. What do we mean by resolved? Either your H is going to learn how to work around his low libido and you two will come to a mutually agreeable place in your R where you are both giving.....or YOU will have to learn to live with the situation as is. You really need to put some thought into this question. "If my H is never able/willing to make the changes I need to feel satisfied sexually am I going to be able to live the rest of my life this way?" In other words....if things stay as they are, is it going to be a deal breaker for you in the future? Is this a way you can see yourself living for the rest of your life? If the answer is I don't know....or no, then DO NOT bring children in to the equation. You are still young, there is PLENTY of time for children. Having a child will not help the situation, a child will complicate it.
As I recall you mentioned earlier that you two waited to have sex until marriage. What is his history like? Any serious girlfriends prior to you? Any sexual activity that you know of prior to you? What are his parents like? Outwardly affectionate? Was he in an abusive home? Just throwing questions out there.....some history on him would truly help too. My H was raised in a strict home where affection just simply wasn't shown outwardly.....so he never really learned how to have a "loving" relationship. I'm having to draw that out of him....but he's improving. Just wanted you to know that. You are headed for A LOT of work....but honestly, it can pay off. I can testify to that. I came on here almost 3 years ago.....my M is lightyears better now than it was when I first got here.
I do the grocery shopping, but that doesn't really matter. He will be upset if I don't get his chips and stuff...and if I buy healthy alternatives he wouldn't eat them. I know that sounds like I have given up...but it's true! He's a big snacker (BBQ Chips, pretzels, popcorn) and will snack before and after every meal, including breakfast. Yuk - BBQ Chips at 9am! I usually try to limit how many snacks we have...right now we have a surplus because we went on a road trip and I bought him some. As for pop...that's tricky. I know he needs his Diet Pepsi in the morning for caffeine as he doesn't drink coffee, but I have a hard time limiting his pop intake throughout the day. I would rather he drink water...or at lease lemonade (it just seems better than pop)
Dr. Visits
I agree with you on the Dr. visits...we've already been doing that. I already talked my my H about going off of Lexapro in exchange for daily playing at least 45 minutes of basketball after work or working out (we have gym equipment we just bought).
Counseling
I have tried to write a letter before, but he does not receive that well. But, as we move forward and if things don't improve...our only option would be counseling. No matter what, he will be strongly against it. As long as I do the research and set up an appointment, he really won't have much of a choice. No matter what he will always be against wanting to go...so that's usually how I have to get it done.
Can I live the rest of my life like this?
You asked me if things were to stay where they are and never change could I see myself living like this in my M the rest of my life. Honestly, no...who would in this situation. On the other hand, I don't want to be married to anyone else...that's why I married my H. I love him. My H is a incredible man and he truly loves me very much, and he will be an amazing father to our children one day. My take on our marriage, with the whole "'til death do us part" and "for better or worse" part of our vows, is that unless your spouse really does something to hurt you in a drastic way (affairs and other malicious, extreme actions) - therefore not holding up to their end of the vows we took - I plan sticking with those vows. I made those vows because I love him! As my mother always told me and my sisters growing up, you don't always have to like your family but you do have to love him. H and W are different because you choose to be with them as opposed to siblings, but this rule still applies. As simple as this sounds, I do like most things about my H and the "pros outway the cons". As for the things I don't like about him, his LD is unfortunately a huge problem. But, I feel that this is encapsulated in the whole "For better for worse" part of my vow to him. It's not his fault, he's not doing this to me on purpose. Honestly, he has never known any better...because this was always normal to him. So, as his W and someone who loves him dearly...'til death do us part (unless he screws me intentionally).
I know you are not doubting my love for my H. But I've said all this to say, I plan on sticking with my marriage and it seems to me only time and much mental work will really make this situation better. How much time? It seems to me it is a constant effort and I will never be comfortable with this situation. All this to say, why delay our lives and our family any more waiting for "resolution". We will be working on this problem our entire lives...why delay making our dreams come true.
We may just agree to disagree on this point, but I don't want to come across ungrateful for that part of advice I received from you and a couple of other people who have commented on this on the BB. I just feel the source of the advice to stop trying to have kids is as to not complicate the situation and to give me an "easier out" down the road if I want to leave my husband...and I don't!
Anyway, back to some more of the questions you had for me...
Life Before Me for my H
My husband's and my sex life before we were married wasn't actually "squeaky clean"...so, I am not the "saint" you seemed to understand me to be We did have sex a few times, but with the scare we had...we stopped and waited. My husband had lots of girlfriends before me, only one of them he slept with. Just recently he finally told me that she would ask him the same questions I did initially, like "don't you find me attractive" when these would not go right in bed. He said at the time it was mainly do to alcohol as they went out drinking quite a bit, but I feel there is more to that story. She was also quite a bit older than him and lived in Australia. So, although they had a long-term relationship they did not see eachother on a day-to-day basis. As for his other girlfriends, same thing in that they lived out of state (my H travelled alot more back then during his "bachelorhood") and from what I know they just fooled around.
His Parents
My H parents, I beleive, have a pretty big impact with related issues to LD. They are 62 and 63, and have sleeped in separate bed forever! They are not very loving to each (outwardly) and I've never seen them hold hands or kiss on the cheek even! Yet, they have 6 kids...go figure! His mother is very controlling and instantly hates any girl who marries her sons. Dating is fine, marriage turn you into an instant "evil daughter-in-law". My husband was very much a "Mama's boy" when I met him. He lived downtown, yet his mother still did his laundry...so she got him to visit every week or at least every other week. Definetely not an abusive home though...very loving and good! He has come a long way from the "mama's boy" stage as throughout all the family problems his mother has said some pretty crazy things to him and me that has made him realize she's a little "off her rocker". Like, when we got engaged his sister and 2 kids lived with him (the family I mentioned before the lived with him when he moved into his new house and just moved out last August...for the 1st year and a half of our marriage). His mother was furious about our engagment and asked us to wait 5 more years (on top of the 4 years we've been together at that time) to get married and she felt it was my H responsibility to take care of his sister and kids instead of creating a life and family of his own. What really should have happened is that his sister and kids should have originally moved in with her parents, not my H. But, it was such a tail spin and and emergency and his parents had a very tiny house at the time (it still would have done OK though) that my husband blurted out naively that they could live with him. Things like this has unfortunately put a pretty big divider between him and his mother, but it is also a blessing in disquise. Right away he was able to "cut the umbilical cord". She also makes lots of unnecessary rude comments to me and us...which have pushed us farther away from her emotionally while we still see her quite often.
That kind of summarizes his parents.
These Days
As for these days, Monday I had a really bad day with this issue....but yesterday I was doing much better after talking with you and the other people on this BB. I got so much accomplished...it felt good! I packed up my kitchen, which I've been meaning to do for 2 weeks now and I am getting my butt out of bed earlier yesterday and today (which I also have been wanting to do since I quit my job). Yesterday, my husband actually "made a move on me"...which was nice, but this is usually what I call "pity sex" (is it OK to talk this candid on here?) as he knew I was depressed on Monday about our problem...and this is his way making me feel better for now. This is usually short-lived for 3-4 days and then we usually resume our sex-deprived marriage right away. I hate the "pity sex", but my mom tells me to "call his bluff" and go ahead and do it. Even though she understands why I don't want to in this case, she says I am still "refusing him"...and he always does to me and I know how that makes me feel. Even though it wouldn't effect him the same way...I see her point.
You mentioned you've been on here for 3 years...do you mind if I ask how long you've been married? I know you mentioned you have a 3 year old daughter...can I ask if it was a problem for you and your husband to get pregnant do to his LD? I hope you don't mind me asking...
Thanks again for all your encouragement and advice. I know all this takes time out of your day...it really means the world to me to be able to talk about this so thoroughly as most of the time this is something I have to hide from my friends. And not only to talk, but to get such great advice from someone who understands!
First I'd like to say that I'm not coming from the perspective of you not having kids at this point as a way of giving yourself an easier out....honestly, I'm not. It's obvious you don't want to leave your M. Some may be coming from that perspective, but that's not where I'm coming from.
You need, at this point, to get your H to take you seriously about this problem. And I mean really seriously. If you get pregnant at this point...it's a distraction from the issue at hand....albeit one you want, but you will have 9-months of an excuse ahead of you for him NOT stepping up and addressing the issue.....and believe me, that's VERY likely to happen. Then....you will have an infant, lack of sleep, breastfeeding etc....which will exhaust both of you for quite some time. Another distraction and excuse for someone like your H not to address the issue. Then of course come the toddler years...that's a whole new type of exhaustion LOL Trust me...I have a 3yr old at home who never stops.
Lemme put it this way. Your H, right now, already does so many things that stack the odds (not exercising, medication, poor diet...things he has control over)....the fatigue that comes with an infant is another convenient excuse for someone like your H or my H to be too tired to do anything. So...what harm would it do to simply delay having children? Right now you are at a point where you are really looking for help and answers (you're here right?)....so that tells me you are ready to step up and do some of the really tough stuff that will need to be done. Boundary setting is one of those things. Does that mean you tell him "I'm never having kids!" No, of course not....but a boundary you could set it. "I'm not willing to bring a child into this marriage until I see effort and improvement from you on this issue." Then of course define for him specifically what "Improvement/effort" is...that's something you might choose to do in a therapists office to avoide misunderstandings. Once again, that's not saying honey I won't have kids....but it's setting a boundary and letting him know how seriously you take this issue....since he knows you both want children. Do you see what I mean? If you go ahead and do things, like have children, and not set boundaries....then it's very likely your H won't take the issue seriously enough and he'll keep on doing what he's doing currently....because there is no motivation for him to really do the work to change (and he knows it won't be eas for him).
Your H loves you I have no doubt, and it's obvious you love him too. But you need to think about what boundaries you can set...that would truly affect him. What would rattle his cage and make him take you seriously? I'm not telling you to not have children....I'm just saying wait on it for a bit longer. Give both of you a bit more time....to do some tough work without the distraction of an infant (wonderful as they are)....because once one comes along existing problems in the marriage are often compounded and magnified even further. NOW is the time for you to do the work, while you don't have to worry about that.
I had to laugh when you said "I'm not the saint you seem to believe me to be"....I've never thought that about you LOL. I was inquiring about your H's past....not necissarily yours. The reason I asked the question is that some men who haven't been experienced before they marry....often don't have the skills to feel competent sexually speaking within their marriage.....so they simply avoid feeling incompetent, by not being sexual with their wife. That was the premise for my question LOL. I do find it interesting though that your H had long-distance R's, those R's are so easily maintained without real "intimacy". They are often sustained by the "thought" of what the other person could be. I don't know if this is the case with your H or not, but that's been my experience anyway. Now that you've described his parents to me as well...well, they were definitely a role-model for his behavior today. It's what he knows. I'm now not at all surprised he did seek out women that would be long-distance...they would be so much easier to maintain R's with for him....great guy that I'm sure he is. My H did similar things as well. Your H is going to have to learn a different behavior with you....and you my friend, are going to have to be woman enough to teach him how to behave, and that's going to be tough. BUT...it can be done. I'll tell you now though, it's a slow process.
Your H is stubborn, just like mine. Getting them to understand that you aren't necessarily trying to change them....but teach them how to communicate with you more effectively can definitely be a battle at times. Throughout this process you will learn tons about yourself, what you want, what you don't want, what you will live with...what you won't.
If it's any comfort to you, I too had to put my foot down and hard about counseling. I made the appointment, still do. Once he learned though that I wasn't there to find fault, but to work as a team towards a resolution he began relaxing and listening. Just be patient.
I totally get it and completely believed this several months ago...and still do. But, what I figure after the time that has passed is that I have come to the conclusion that his problem won't go away and learning how to deal with his LD is what I really need to focus on while still working with him to work on his LD. I understand kids complicate this and divert of our attention in a big way...but I am just not willing to sacrifice any more time for our dreams (a family, etc). This LD problem does not have complete resolution from what I am hearing...progress seems to come with much hard work and time.
It comforts me and helps me to be on the BB with all the advice and encouragement. It keeps me driven to address our marital issues with his LD. I often want to give up and become very depressed about my situation, but this helps.
As a friend, and I really really appreciate your advice and how your present everything, I ask that you somehow understand my take on the family thing. I firmly believe we're doing the right thing for us. We had lots of issues going on when we got engaged and married, but we knew we had to. We couldn't wait for things to settle down, get better and recover...or else we wouldn't even be married yet and worse, we wouldn't be together! His sister would have never felt like she had to move, and we would be spinning our wheels terribly. We did the right thing then, as hard as it was having our 1st year of marriage with all that added stress. I have no regrets.
Now with the family, we want 4 kids (that may change after the 1st, I know) ... and we need to start now. Not necessarily because of me, but my husband is 31 and we want him to enjoy his kids and future grandkids one day. I know we think way ahead of things...but that's just how we are.
So, will you still talk to me and carry on sharing your wise advice with me if we just agree to disagree about this and discontinue trying to have me delay our family? I've made my decision to start trying to have a family and I know what I am sacrifcing. Just like when we got married, I knew it would be hard yet I didn't know all the ramifications. Same things with this unfortunately, I know pregnancy and taking care of a baby will complicate things (but I won't fully understand until it happens); but I feel it's the right decision for long term despite the added difficulties and distractions. I feel that when I weigh the delayed progress with our "LD issue" with having a big family like we want ... I pick the big family! Call me naive...but we only live life once. I only have so much control over the LD issue, but I do have control over the big family dream...I want to make our dream come true! I hope you can get that and appreciate it somehow.
At this point I really just need support in my helping my husband in trying to make is LD better and my dealing with all the emotions I am dealing with. I hope you're not mad at me and will continue talking with me. Your advice to continue helping my H with his diet and general well-being has given me a renewed enery to start doing this again. I need that support to keep going and not give up.
Without going into particulars of your thread, as I sit back and take in the general theme and tone of your posts, I get one overwhelming impression – enmeshed, enmeshed, enmeshed. Your world seems to revolve around your H (and since he is a good deal older than you may be part of the reason he married you?). He gets to sit back and make up his mind on what he wants, but only after you’ve finished running in circles doing the ground work. Sweet deal for him. Frustrating for you.
Simply put – you give away your power. Have you read anything on codependency (I read you as VERY codependent)? A book I like a lot is “Facing Love Addiction : Giving Yourself the Power to Change the Way You Love” by Pia Mellody, Andrea Wells Miller. What I consider to be the bible of relationship books is “Passionate Marriage : Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships” by David Schnarch. You see this book mentioned a lot on this board. Go buy both of these.
I also see a lot of rescuing/mothering tendencies. Reading through Mojo’s threads might help you a lot. She is where you could be in ten years or so. Like everyone is telling you, I think you need to seriously shelve the baby idea until you get things worked out, regardless of any ticking biological clocks.
When you approach him about Dr's...or therapy. How do you go about it? My H was also very resistent to both things....however I found that when I approached him with an "I want you to go with me, to help me work through this....and to help me learn to deal with this" attitude, it helped to take the pressure off of him feeling like he was under the microscope. This is a problem you two have to work through as a team....right now, he's very likely feeling like he's the one who'se defective, you need to let him know that you are willing to work just as hard as he has to.....to deal with the problems you will have to as well.
We did have sex a few times, but with the scare we had...we stopped and waited. My husband had lots of girlfriends before me, only one of them he slept with. Just recently he finally told me that she would ask him the same questions I did initially, like "don't you find me attractive" when these would not go right in bed. He said at the time it was mainly do to alcohol as they went out drinking quite a bit, but I feel there is more to that story. She was also quite a bit older than him and lived in Australia. So, although they had a long-term relationship they did not see eachother on a day-to-day basis. As for his other girlfriends, same thing in that they lived out of state (my H travelled alot more back then during his "bachelorhood") and from what I know they just fooled around.