It has been several months since my last post. Busy battling personal demons, not least of which was making promises to people I couldn't keep. In other words, letting my mouth overload my back. Again.
My decision to rejoin this group is with the personal caveat to focus more on what I need to do for me, as opposed to what I can do for others.
Last time through here I got so caught up in drama, both mine and other people's, that I started to confuse the map with the territory. Started thinking this forum is where my life is, where all the answers are, and where some of my best friends are. Rather than simply using it as a resource to do what I need to do. For me.
1. Feel even better about my life and become a better man. For me.
2. Be Robin's best friend. For her.
3. Be an even better father to our kids. For them.
The key is to recognize those are purposes not objectives. Paths, not outcomes.
I am grateful to have this website as a resource, and the insight and support of so many kind and loving people here and elsewhere in my life. I am truly blessed.
The truth is, Robin, my common law wife of near 15 years, whom I have now been seperated from for over 4, our D18 and our S14, are all doing reasonably well.
I am doing better than I have in the past, but still not living as well as I need to be in order to get the outcomes I still desire:
I want to live well. And for better or worse, to me a big part of living well means I must find a way to have a whole and healthy family with her.
The fact is I still want an intimate, committed relationship with Robin. I want us to finally start living the love we both deserve. Together. The love I believe we are both capable of creating and enjoying together. I want the two of us to live together in a healthy, loving, commited, monogomous, life-long relationship.
I've learned that the challenge is not just living well, but loving well. Recognizing the truth of your own identity as well as that of your lover's.
Yesterday my focus wavered. I did some stupid things, and I paid another heavy price in losing some of Robin and the kids' respect. Losing some of my own self-respect. I've got to do better than that.
As she says: "Focus on the light."
Let's focus on nothing but the good for awhile. A good long while if neccessary. And let's outshine all the bad and painful memories.
She says she wants to be true friends. She wants us to be best friends more than anything else in the world. She says she feels like there's a 75%, even more than a 75% chance that wil happen.
She says I can't live with her in her house. But get a place of my own again and "Maybe I'll come and stay with you. Maybe I'll visit. Maybe we'll have some fun."
I need to practice trusting her again. Believing in her again. No matter how much I have been hurt by her in the past. I need a way of relating to her that leaves us both feeling happy and fulfilled.
I believe in the path of unconditional love. Even when I trip and stumble, finding myself in the dark, I know I can only feel lost and lonely when forgetting the truth of my own pure light within.
Mike, It is good to hear from you and know that you are doing well. I was going to attempt to contact you, but I thought that would be an imposition. Sometimes be bite of more than we can chew, but that is okay. It is good to take a break for a while. I would like to the same at some point. Like you say, end the drama. Hope things are going well for you.
