Is this how it begins?

[wed2alien]

Hello everyone,

I have been posting over in mid life crisis and it was suggested I post here too. I read how to link threads but I am really computer illiterate. I don't know what browser window, URL, address line is. My thread over there is:

Is this how it ends?

Short synopsis:
Both 47
Married 20 yrs
3 kids 16,15,12

2 yrs and 2 months ago got the bomb, ILYBNILWY,
had OW for a couple months (neighbor, friend)

Moved in and out 2-3 times but still had OW, lying.
OW got divorced last summer, moved on with 2 different BF since, her breaking it off FOR GOOD 2 months ago

Last 2 months I think he had OW withdrawl, seemed to be going backward acting like he did 2 yrs ago. Tried OW#2, lasted just a few weeks until I found out 1.5 weeks ago, confronted, told his family etc. Had talked D since May 1st, I went dark, refused contact, calls etc.


So, Monday night, he insists on talking to me, all R talk, was remorseful for the 1st time in 2 yrs, said he "wants to try again", had never heard that before. Tears, talked about OW#1 was a fantasy, can't trust anyone but me, is ashamed the kids saw his behavior with OW#1.

I was shocked, was waiting to be served D papers the whole week before. He said he had papers, all he had to do was sign, but he just couldn't do it when he read the words. (our names, wedding date, etc).

At first I said I would have to think about it, suspicious of his motives (his family confronted him that day, said he was ruining his life, or did the L tell him a D would leave him broke or is he trying to fool me, throw me some bait so he can have his cake and eat it too.)

Then I said it would have to be slow, he ended it with OW#2 the next day. He never emotionally attatched to her like he did #1.

So here I am again, at a crossroads, scared to do the wrong thing. I need advice from all you experienced here. I know to go slow, not pressure him to move back. I definitely don't want him home for a good while. He has apt lease til the fall.

We both still ave individual counselors. He mentioned marital counseling but I am worried it is too soon for that. He could change his mind tomorrow.

I feel like we just need to practice communicating like we like each other, are interested. He did touch and kiss me ON THE LIPS that night, which is definitely new. To have fun before we get into serious marriage counseling.

Any ideas? HELP. I don't want to ruin this chance. I think last time I must have set TOO many boundaries, didn't trust him, questioned him about OW. He felt trapped and ran to OW.

wed2alien

[Jamesjohn]

Hi wed2alien! Welcome to Piecing!!

So, Monday night, he insists on talking to me, all R talk, was remorseful for the 1st time in 2 yrs, said he "wants to try again", had never heard that before.

What do you think that "wants to try again" means to him? What, in his mind, would you both be doing to move things in a better direction for your relationship? What would this look like?

This could be a great place to get started working on your communication. This is something that could be done in a non-threatening way, without making him feel trapped. It would be interesting to hear what his thoughts on this are, and could help take you towards the future, instead of making him feel like he has to defend the past.

To have fun before we get into serious marriage counseling.

Excellent idea!! What would "fun" look like, to both of you?

Congratulations! You are very wise in wanting to take things slowly for now. Keep up the great work!!!

[wed2alien]

Jamesjohn,

Thanks so much for your reply.

Your questions are great ones and those I will bring up the next time we talk about our R.

I assume I shouldn't bring up R talks? I did ask him yesterday how he felt about our talk the night before and he said he was in a good place and wants to stay there. His head was clear and was able to concentrate at work. He is looking at all the positives in our R, instead of the negatives.

I just want him to stay in this frame of mind. I did ask him that night what "want to try again meant" and he said, "we can make this M work. It will be OK."

Thanks again,
wed

[Jamesjohn]

He is looking at all the positives in our R, instead of the negatives.

Wow, this is great! What are some of these positives that he's seeing, and what can you do to help reinforce these?

I assume I shouldn't bring up R talks?

Yup, probably not yet. At this point, I'd just follow his lead on this. There will "probably" be some ups and downs when the R talks do occur, so it might be good to do what you can to re-build a good, solid foundation to fall back on.

Time to work on, and take care of, you too! As most of the people here in piecing will attest to, this transition period can be tough. It's difficult to unwind, relax, and enjoy this part at times. It's easy to still be a bit jumpy. DO have some fun together!

[wed2alien]

Good Friday morning,

I'm kind of nervous about the weekend to see if he is still in the "reconciling" mood. He only said it 4 days ago. His eyes and behavior will tell all I guess. He did call already this am to see how I was.

Any suggestions? He hasn't made definite plans with me tonight, said something earlier in the week about coming over on Friday.

Do I say anything, plan anything? One of his C/O about me is that I never planned things for us to do.

Or do I let him take the lead?

wed

[standingbear]

Glad to see that there are still positive changes going on here. Just wanted to stop in and see how things were going for you. Hang in there.

I would let him lead, but maybe have some thoughts and information ready about something you have thought about in case he ask you if you had any thoughts about what to do. This way you are not pushing, but you did give it some thought if he asks you about it.

[wed2alien]

Journaling,

All quiet on the western front!! I think I have gotten so used to chaos over the past 2+ years, that it is unsettling for things to be so calm!! I read somewhere that MLCers childhoods were like this, so used to chaos that calmness bothered them so they create their own chaos. (change cars, houses, spouses!!)

I never thought I would understand my H feelings of uneasiness when things are calm or "boring" as he'd say.
I am beginning to feel our everyday life is "boring." Just work, dealing with kids.

Even though he is around more, calls, talks about the future, I still don't feel like it is a relationship or a marriage. Is this a normal part of settling back in??

I just feel like I should be doing something, like talking about our M. (a big no no. No R talk right). But things seem at a standstill to me but maybe this is progress??

I read the other threads with the spewing, anger, arguments, etc and feel like nothing is happening here. Maybe it is. I used to want a breather like this, with no new discoveries but really I don't feel we are working toward anything.

It is a strange situation, as I feel myself describing the way my H used to say he felt our R was. Existing. Boring. Lacking passion. No fun. Not doing things together. And yet he seems to be reconnecting to the house, kids, etc. He even did housework with the kids today and is discipling them now!!! They aren't too receptive though!!

Any thoughts? Is this where patience comes in? I just fear him saying that I didn't do anything to get this marriage back on track when he said he wanted to work on it but I am afraid to talk about it!!

I apologize if I am rambling at this crazy hour!!

wed2

[cat03]

Hello, you got so many questions and aprehensions that MC is the best way to go, he's actually asking to go! dont' miss such a chance. Yes, at the beginning it is a little rough (specially for men to open up) but with the right person you both can find that special bond you once had.

Anyways, we now do yoga together, something we wouldnt' have done before, plan to go wine tasting (a first) and other stuff we never did. Think of stuff like that, your kids are older, you dont' have to worry about babysitting like me, that' one of my H's gripes, we can barely go anywhere because we need a sitter for 2.

Do something just the two of you, think outside the box, late night downtown walks, bed & breakfast by a lake, things like that, something out of character.

You need to talk out your fear, our MC sessions have help me a great deal, get a phone book or check out online, I'm a christian and have found that I feel more confortable with licenced pastoral counceling, the person I have now is awesome.

You've come a long way, dont' let fear ruin all your hard work, you have gone through a lot, he's back and you deserve to be happy, keep it up)))))))

[wed2alien]

Need some advice,

H is acting distant, irritable and controlling again. Never mentions working on M, tried to avoid me and push my buttons this holiday weekend.

I acknowledge to him that I am working on the things he said was important to him in a marriage (physical fitness, conversation, doing things together) but it is hard when he is not trying to meet my needs (affection, sex, loving, caring acts). Plus he is back to listing all the things I need to do better (clean house, discipline kids etc).

Is this normal or is he just half trying or not trying at all?

wed

[cat03]

sounds normal too me, and BTW, dont' expect him to fulfill many of your needs right now, as it is he is having issues with his own needs, still on selfish mode. My H is nice w/me now, we ML and he helps around, but still hasnt' said ILY nor is very affectionate nor does many caring acts. So I have to put a positive light and remember the few good things he does do around the house.

He might be "testing" if your effords are sincere and might be pushing your buttons. Again, a good MC should help. Sounds like your H is still fighting with his MLC, it is a long road, and some days are better than others.