So, on Saturday we did go see our movie - just us, no kids. It was a place you could order dinner and drinks, so we did. The drinks were low on alcohol, so W ended up ordering some extra. I didn't feel like ordering enough to get drunk, so I stopped at the first. She got pretty close to drunk, though. Just enough to where she started making this annoying smacking noise when she talks while drunk. The night was mostly okay until then. The conversation was fine, even good you might say - adult conversation, which is what I was hoping for (ie. she and I to get time away from the kids and thought about the kids). But, once she started talking (after the movie) like this, it just got to me - just disgusted me a bit - reminder of why I don't like being around drunk people, at least without being drunk myself. As we were leaving the theater, she needed to use the restroom. I stood outside waiting, watching many women go in and come back out that went in after her. My imagination went straight to "she must be SMS'ing OM". She finally came out, and gave her reasons/excuses for taking so long. Later that night, while at my mom's, I saw her checking her phone for SMS messages. Can't say I was too friendly with her the rest of the night... but, everything was so under the surface and buried, you wouldn't have known if you were standing right next to me.
I'm heading out of town on business today. Every time I do this, I end up suspecting she's set something up with OM to come to town. This time is no different, and I even have various observational evidence to tell me that's indeed what is happening. I SO want to snoop in her email, but know that if I do, it will only make me more upset and less able to deal with the coming trip - not to mention I've done really good at not doing that, and don't want to start again, now.
Not sure where I'm going with the rest of this journal entry. Just not feeling very happy, today. Right now is such a special time in my girls' lives and I want to spend it with them every single moment. But, I don't know how much more of this I can take. I feel very disrespected by W, and not just the trust or the intimacy issues we'll have to get over, but this disrespect - continued and constant - I don't know how I'm going to get over that, as well. I said a while back that I really don't think I love her, anymore. Not just as a wife, but as a friend. Friends don't do this to each other. I don't know that I really truly care about her life, whether she fails or succeeds in her endeavors, except from the viewpoint she is my girls' mother, and I want the best for her for *their* sake. I think I'm having a hell of a hard time detaching, right now. I keep thinking back to us before OM came into the picture, even just as a friend to W, and I just can't see that person I knew doing this... particularly when she says it had been done to her before. I keep picturing this conversation in my head: Me: You can't possibly know the level of betrayal and disrespect that I am feeling right now. W: Yes, I can - XH did it to me. Me: No, you can't. We have built a family, a home, have kids - this is so entirely different from then. XH was a jackass, and everyone around us says that - all our friends who know him, all our family. I'm a better person than he was, and I don't deserve this.
Again, as my IC has been concerned about, it's not my self-esteem or self-respect I'm worried about - I think I'm doing better than ever in that regard. It's my respect for W that continues to degrade, due to the disrespect she is showing me, our family, and our friends.
My IC also says I'm being an enabler by not forcing discussion of the issue. Other than getting in front of an MC, I don't know what to do about that. I don't know how to bring it up, and everything "DB" tells me to not bring it up. It feels like every day is getting harder to cope with - I hope this feeling goes away soon.
I read most of that link that RB posted in BI's thread: http://www.coping.org/control/detach.htm . It helps me understand detaching a bit more. I think I need to go back and read it again. One thing I read in there was about being an enabler. Along with my IC, this is now twice I've seen this. How the hell do I stop being an "enabler"? I certainly see this A as an addiction for my W, so what is it that I'm doing or not doing that is "enabling" the damn thing, and how do I stop that?
I also need to try to actually contact some MC's - I think I'll try to do that today, even if at the airport.
I did finally talk to an MC and we have our first appointment tomorrow afternoon. I honestly don't know what to expect, so I'm not expecting anything. W seems perfectly willing to go - no resistance, not gung-ho, just willing, as if it's just something to do. When I talked to the MC, I told her the bare essentials of our sitch. I also told her about my previous conversation with an MC, and him telling me basically it wasn't going to work with W still in the A. But, right before talking to this new MC, I realized my goal with an MC now is not "work on the marriage", it's "let's at least talk about this a bit." After explaining this to the new MC, she agreed with what the other MC said, but said that if the latter is my goal, we can work from there. Wish me luck.
More and more, I suspect OM is in town, and perhaps long term. Without snooping, I know very little about the ongoings of his life - if he's gone through with his divorce or if he's quit his job and moved like he was talking about (moving to same city as W and me was discussed at one point). Well, I'm not going to try to satisfy that curiosity/suspicion by snooping again. But, ever since d-day, I am paying closer and closer attention to some small changes in W. Like I said, I know 100% she is talking to him still (simple recognition of the IM client she uses to talk to him only), and I've watched her hide windows on her computer as I walk by. But, she's spending less and less time on her laptop when I'm home, and away from any computer... I figure she's getting her time with him, somehow. School has started back up, though; she'll be on the laptop much more just for that alone. There's been zero perceivable difference in our R, and she stays as emotionally distant as ever. I can't PMA on this one - I just feel too much like something even worse than before is going on... a disturbance in the force.
I still want so hard to grasp at positives, though. Today, when I came home in workout clothes, W commented on how my calves are getting well defined. So, she continues to notice my physical improvements. But, her actions still speak so much louder and drown out these little compliments.
Did I mention W got me a gift certificate to go sky diving as a bday present? My joke is she's trying to get rid of me. Well, if I'm going, I'm taking some co-workers with me! I'm trying to set up a group from work to go with me, which includes my best friend. Maybe I am just crazy enough to jump out of a perfectly good airplane.
Okay, I feel rather awful. Just got back from our session with the MC. I think DB got thrown out the window, for the most part. I was incredibly nervous and aprehensive to begin with, which didn't help. W was very pained during the session - near to the point of crying. Maybe that's how you're supposed to get in such therapy sessions, but I don't. I was pained, that's for damn sure, but I just don't find myself near crying... at least during therapy sessions. Maybe it's a Mars/Venus thing. A lot of what I think we're dealing with is Mars/Venus - W doesn't understand this anymore than I do, and we both expect the opposite (her expecting Venus from me, me expecting Mars from her)... still haven't read that book. But, several times I didn't validate, and once I got defensive and somewhat attacked something W said. Maybe the session didn't go all that bad, but man do I feel horrible right now - heart is still thumping away from the adrenaline, and session was over 1 hr ago.
Some pseudo-goals got set during the meeting: * We will try to talk about simple things at home. Not R or A things, just things. This is more for me, to initiate conversation... about anything. * W will help me build on our conversations, almost (and maybe literally) que-card style. The MC even said this would be a little forced for a while. I don't see that this is going to happen - requires a lot of patience and effort on W's part, and I don't see her putting that forth. But, I'll try to do my part, and will even try without the que-card mechanism, if necessary. (This goes toward the fact that when we talk about some items, like politics, I rarely continually build the conversation from my end. Partly, it's because I don't find the subject matter uber-interesting; but, mostly, it's because I will sometimes say things that display my ignorance, and I'm made to feel like a fool by some of W's follow-up words and actions - she even made some comments to OM to this effect, that when I read them reinforced my reasoning on why I just don't display my ignorance, rather opting to not talk.) * When it takes me time to process my response to something, I will give an explicit "let me think about that", rather than being quiet and allowing this to be implied. This was something new for me, and is one good thing that came out of this session. I never realized I did that, but now I see it. This will be tough, sometimes, if it's not really a decision that I need to make - eg. just something interesting W has told me, but causes me to think. Sometimes, in these situations, I also end up blurting something negative or resistant, and then come back later with the opposite when I've had time to think. I feel that immediate reaction is due to coming to understand W expects an immediate response, and those types are the easiest for me to give. I think this is also why a lot of our discussions have taken place through instant messenger... which is bad, now, because I can't bring myself to talk to her through the same lines as OM (and I don't want my words being analyzed by that bastard because she's shared the conversation with him).
We discussed how I haven't really displayed my anger about this whole thing. Firstly, this would require R or A talk initiated by me (since W certainly won't do so), which is anti-DB. Secondly, I'm honestly afraid that my style of displaying anger will dig the hole even deeper for this marriage's burial. The MC commented that given an affair is happening, isn't the marriage pretty damaged already? Yes, but...... I just don't know. My IC says the same damn things.
I think that the MC talked in W's direction more. I think W does have a lot of stuff that is going to be very hard for her to be open and honest about, and some of her answers were not immediately clear. Maybe that's why the MC focused on asking her questions. I have some difficulty with some of the things I want and need to say, too, but not all that much. One thing she asked W early on was whether or not she felt she can work on this marriage. W answered the usual "I don't know", but then after a pause said "I really don't think so." MC asked me what that made me think and feel - after a very long pause, I just said "Hope that she is still confused about what she really wants."
W made a lengthy comment about how I am a very good person and such, and that none of this is because I did anything bad. MC asked "Then, you respect him very much?" W says "Yes". I still have a differing opinion on her level of respect for me. I also think she defines "bad" as "abusive", yet goes on about all the deficiencies in my personality and actions. W also mentioned how "people can't change", which got me very confused. People can't BE changed, but they can damn sure change. Just watch me.
There are such an incredible number of issues that have built up in our relationship, and it's going to take so long to work through them. I won't even try to list all of the things that got discussed today... I don't remember half of them. I just remember feeling really awful stepping out of there. I have to imagine further sessions are going to be similar, but hopefully I'll be less nervous and aprehensive going in, which will hopefully allow me to gather my thoughts better. We have another session next Wednesday.
