I keep meaning/wanting to journal, but haven't had time time. I think I'm going to have to go backwards to get down everything. Sorry for the extreme length - I feel I haven't posted in forever...
Saw IC today - last time was 7/12 - a lot had happened since then. She told me I should stop talking to you guys. Okay, just kidding - what happened was that I described how I've been journaling, but it's all been online. I'm more concerned that W will find this, whether now or some day in the future, and that's not the right thing for a journal. But, I haven't been pouring all my nasty emotions here - I mean to start an external journal for that. This one has been more factual than anything, describing earlier emotions, and not those at time of writing. But, IC felt that the fact others were reading it was wrong. I don't think she understands the online world, regardless of how many kids she says she sees - you just can't understand it unless you've been there. So, this is another reason I've felt I need to find another IC. But, my only stated reason to her about finding another IC (which I mentioned today) is that I can't afford it anymore without insurance - one of my reasons, but not the only one. I finally just told her "I don't care what you think, I'm using it as my journal and that's that." I didn't want to waste my $$/time on that topic.
I told IC about the fight/discussion with W weekend before last. She felt I did good, given the way I described everything - from the "something in between" (aka assertive) stance I took in confronting W on her statement about me undermining her authority, to the validation I poured into the conversation. She pointed out something I didn't think about, and that is that I felt much better standing up for my opinions/self after having validated W's statements. It made me feel as if my opinion carried more weight, particularly since by just making the validating comment, I was indeed giving thought to W's statements I might not have been before. By giving them that thought, it means I was actually taking them into account prior to making my statements and conclusions. I'm putting this validation into more practice elsewhere in my life, both personal and work, and it's working out really well. I wish someone had suggested this before!
The only other thing we talked about was how I feel W isn't listening to me. This has been hitting home more and more, lately, but is a problem I've noticed for years. I feel it also ties into the fact I rarely initiate conversations with W, as she so kindly pointed out during our big convo. I know that I had this same problem, and it built over time. I'd gotten so comfortable in my R that I didn't feel I needed to listen to every word, or absorb it. Some time ago, I recognized this and decided to change it - before d-day, and I think even before the A, but I'm not sure - may be something W pointed out at some time. Me before, with W talking (imagine me messing around on my computer): Still staring at computer screen, making the occasional "uh huh" in that classic husband way. Me now (again, me on computer): Take hands off of keyboard, look W in the eyes, and listen to every word. I admit, I still sometimes (although rarely) don't catch every word, as my mind is still on my task. But, whereas before I had maybe 5% brain power going toward listening, now it's the majority of my brain power. This is another thing I've practiced in the rest of my life, particularly after becoming a manager at my company. The key is that I stopped what I'm doing and turned to look the other person in the eye - it says "I'm now paying attention to everything you are saying". Here's the problem - I NEVER get that from W. Okay, maybe not never, but only maybe 4% of the time (trying to not exaggerate). I will try to tell her something, and it's like I'm not even there. I don't even really get the "uh huh"s - it's like I don't exist. I finish what I'm saying, which wasn't even that long, and I get zero acknowledgment that I said anything at all, let alone any eye-to-eye contact. Now, a number of times is because her attention is focused on the girls, but many of those times is because she's initiating the interaction with them - not because they've pulled her attention away. Example: Yesterday, she's talking to the girls in the kitchen. They weren't particularly dragging her attention away from me, so I started to tell her something interesting (I forget what, now). All the while, she keeps talking to the girls - not responses, just saying things to them. I finished what I was saying, and didn't get a "hey, that's neat!" or even an "huh!". So, I said "did you hear anything I just said?" - she glances up briefly and says "Yeah! That's interesting!" and goes back to talking to the girls. But, it's not just the girls - it's when she's engrossed in anything, including the most menial and meaningless tasks. And she wonders why I don't bother initiating conversation with her. So, IC suggests I talk to her about it - "W, I realize I've done <this> to you in the past, and I've made changes to correct it. But, you're essentially doing <the same thing> and it hurts." I'm going to observe a bit more, but I do think I'm going to have to talk to W about this. The only time it seems she listens is when we have a serious talk, and if she's not listening at other times, then how the heck can we build even a friendship interaction?
Stepping backward... W has been off the laptop a lot when I'm home, lately (and it seems even when I'm not at home), since she's had a bit of a break from school, and more than anything she's been reading. I haven't tried to read anything into that, except to think she must be keeping up communication with OM some other way. Well, Friday night, I sat down on the sofa, with my laptop, wanting to take a break at the end of the week, and started up some of my recorded shows. W was on the love seat, with her laptop, working on some school stuff. As usual, her screen is right in my line of sight. I'm trying to relax, trying to watch my shows, but I do finally see her chatting with OM (again, I can tell b/c he's the only one she has on Google Talk). Then, I see a web page come up with a kayak - they seem to talk about a future of doing all sorts of stuff together, and buying all sorts of neat life items (she's so f'ing materialistic sometimes). I couldn't stand it anymore, so I stopped my show, W asks "why did you stop it?", I answer "I'll watch it later", and I take my laptop into the kitchen where I usually am, particularly in these situations. I chatted up my friend and complained, and he jokingly said he'd buy me some Starbucks - so I said "sure" and we went. We were out for quite some time, and by the time I got home, W was in bed. The next night I really didn't want to deal with that crap again, and I'm working with my friend on a business venture, so I went over to his house Saturday night, and didn't get home until after midnight.
Backward again... I went to another movie with my friend on Thursday night, and had a good time. Part of the subject matter in the movie (a comedy) was about someone cheating on their fiance - ever so slightly irritating, because everything did turn out good for the cheater and the OW - just points out how Hollywood is indeed glamorizing affairs.
Stepping forward again... W had a girls-day-out with a couple of friends she doesn't see as often as she'd like. I'm really glad she went out and did that. Interesting thing is she didn't really ask me if it was okay and if I could watch the girls. She mentioned it, and probably in a questioning manner, but not at all in the way she usually does. I actually see this as a good thing, from an R standpoint - I don't have to ask her "permission" to do such things and she doesn't have to ask mine - just make an effort at coordination regarding the girls. I spent the day with the girls, and we went shopping. Actually had a really good time with them, even if they were just hanging out in the shopping cart for a few hours.
Here's a thing for laughs, if you've made it this far. I'm fairly hairy, but not like an ape. It's just enough that I've got some funky patches on my shoulders and upper arms, as well as on my back a bit. I've made efforts to pluck the hair on my shoulders and upper arms, and while I can stand the pain, it's too hard to turn my head that way to see what I'm doing. So, I got the bright idea to get a self-waxing kit on Saturday, and tried that. Ladies... I have complete and utter sympathy for you if/when you get any part of your body waxed. That was quite painful... not the worst pain I've ever felt, by a long shot, but quite painful. I'm sure the fact I had a slight sunburn from Saturday didn't help. :P This all goes to me improving my self-image, which is getting better and better every day. (I stepped into a clothing store on Saturday that was for a slightly younger crowd, found a shirt I liked, and purchased it. There was a really cute 20'ish girl behind the counter, I cracked a stupid joke at something, and she laughed. It might have been a laugh-at-what-the-customer-says thing, but she also was looking/staring at me in a way that made me feel good. Going to have to find me some more of that. )
Today was interesting. When I got home, W was quite talkative - she was talking a mile a minute, like she used to do when drinking a lot of caffeine. Since she's cut out caffeine from her diet, I'm not sure why she was talking that much that fast. But, she was talking to me, and a lot, so I'm happy about that. When I got home, we were going to turn right around and pick up the girls after I changed clothes, then go to a National Night Out block party. I put on one of my new'ish shirts - one I bought just before 4th of July and wore on that trip. W said "I like that shirt, is it new?" Rather than explaining that she'd seen me in it before, I said "yeah". The different thing about this shirt, for me, is that it is a medium, whereas I usually wear a large. So, it's somewhat more fitting, and something I only now feel comfortable wearing, since I've lost a bit of girth. A few minutes later, W commented "you've lost a lot of weight" (she might have even said "you look good", but I was a little stunned at her first comment). I could only eek out "thank you for noticing!" Overall, I would count this all as quite positive, so far. We went to the block party, left a little early b/c it was too hot for her, dropped her off at home, and I went to another block party I knew was going on with the girls. Came home, put the girls to bed, and W went to lay on the sofa to read some school books. I went over to tell her about something at work, and she *listened*... total eye-to-eye like I was JUST saying I haven't been getting. She then told me about all these books she got for the upcoming semester, and we talked a little about those. Tonight was quite positive... but, weird... because I can't really attribute it to anything. It's been a few weeks since I glanced at DR, but I swear one of the things is to take action and watch for results, so you can know what is working. Well, I guess I'll just keep on doing all the same stuff I've been doing... whatever that has been.
Earlier today, I heard about a nearby aquarium I never knew about, and thought this is a great opportunity for ME to come up with something to do (ie. I have rarely been the activity idea person in our R). So, I suggested we go by there this coming weekend, and W agreed. I'm hoping I can come up with more stuff to do - particularly stuff that doesn't cost a lot of money. (Funny enough, W later suggested we could go to this other aquarium - one she and I have already been to, but not with the girls. That place costs a decent amount, and it's not all that spectacular - the place I'm suggesting is FREE, and I've heard good things about it. I firmly said that I specifically wanted to go to the one I suggested, and got no argument.)
Just thinking about your sitch and was wondering about you. I watch your sitch and also Built4speed just you know. I dont think I have seen your paths cross.. anyway.. hope you are ok.
Thanks for thinking of me! I think I've fallen into a bit of a (comfortable, but not) rut. I haven't been thinking about DB'ing a lot, lately, although I'm keeping up with the biggest of my GAL actions - going to the gym, going out with friends, etc. Even last night, I went out with my best friend to a bar and saw Will Makar (was on last season of American Idol) perform. He gave me the option of that or a strip club - I chose that because (1) I didn't have any cash on me, and (2) I have to be the right mood for a strip club. With that said, I've only been to a strip club maybe 6 or 7 times in my life... but, he and I had been joking about telling our wives we were going to the movies, but do that instead. But, damn can it be expensive!
I also somewhat hadn't been posting because I wasn't sure if anybody was reading (me just being self-pitying more than anything). I need to keep journaling... but, I just kind of hit a point where I wanted to rest from everything. Not that I really got any rest - still dwelling on the A and letting it get to me entirely too much. I actually haven't been to the gym in over a week, and I think that's getting to me - will be going tomorrow night, thank goodness.
It's been some time since that R talk W and I had, in which I said I was going to start calling MCs. Well, I haven't picked up the phone once to do so. I think I'm afraid that if we start seeing an MC, there's no going back. I feel it could be the first in a series of good steps, but it could also be the first in a series of bad steps from which there is no return. I think I've had three opportunities since that talk, about an hour each, to actually try contacting MCs - work has been way time consuming. Meanwhile, things at home stay weirdly facade'ish - we're just actors in a play, ignoring the big elephant in the room. I think, more than anything, I'm going to have to get W to an MC to talk about anything.
Something great did happen the other day. I had taken the girls to dinner - W didn't come (time of the month stuff). As we were driving back home, a song that was special to W and me at one time came on the radio. I had to sit in the car, after pulling into the driveway, and kind of let a wash of emotions pass before going inside. As I was sitting there, one D2 said "I love you, Daddy!". This was the first time I heard either of them say this, and she said it so clearly. I told her, "Oh, <D2>, I love you, too!" Then, my other D2 said "I love you, Daddy!", and I told her "I love you, too!" It really picked me up.
Of course, I kind of set myself up for a bad side to this. I came in, the girls ran to Mommy, and as she was playing with them, I told her what they'd just told me. She didn't really respond too much, which upset me - the whole bit about her not listening to me, as if I'm not really there, plus the fact it was special to me, and didn't seem all that special to her. I just walked away and said "well, it was special to *me*". Should have just kept it to myself, but it was still very special to me, and always will be.
I assure you we are reading. Where do things stand right now? How about a summary. Sometimes it helps spark new posting to your thread and even looking at the recent past with a little time past may help your perspective.
In any event, keep cherishing those "kid" moments because they truly ARE what keeps us going.
Yep.. I drop by everyday to check on your posts. That is hard when something like a song that once bonded the emotions between you and W becomes just another tune to her. I suppose it is another symptom of the fantasy world . btw.. Hi GH !
Part of the reason I haven't been posting is because things (R things) haven't really changed all that much. At least, I can't see that they have. Nothing huge has happened, positive or negative. Except maybe last night and today (get to that in a sec). I told my IC I was going to look for someone who took my insurance, but in the meantime plan to cut back to every 2-3 wks with her. I haven't been looking for another IC - procrastination? denial? simple lack of time? I don't know, but I the only time I can call around is at work, and I just don't get much time to do that. Then there's the MC. I consider that higher priority than finding a new IC, and procrastinate on that for aforementioned reasons (scared of locking into that path). So, I'm kind of stuck. I feel the MC is my next step, besides continuing GAL activities (which I'm still doing okay on, but lack the real time I want to do that).
So, last night we're sitting in the living room after dinner. Our D2s have been a little sick, and I've been trying to do everything I can to make them feel better and happy. I've been making sure they get Motrin and cough medicine, whereas W hasn't (she defers to me on that stuff, usually, b/c I'm better at getting them to take it... even if by force). W tells me something (and I wish I could remember her exact words) to the effect of "I don't know if I've told you lately, but I wanted to say how wonderful of a father you are. ... It just floors me some of the things you do with them and how good you are with them." I appreciate her saying this - I really do - but, it just doesn't mean as much coming from her, in context of what's going on in our life and relationship, right now. More than anything, it did help me get over my feelings of her trying to prove something with her more recent activities with the girls. Before now, I've felt like she's been doing more with the girls to prove that she's the better parent... just in case it comes up in a custody battle. Having her acknowledge how good of a father I am does negate that, somewhat.
Since our girls have been a little sick, we've been watching them for ear infections. Sure enough, today, a little gizmo we have showed we should take them to the doctor. Of course, it's Saturday, so that means the emergency room. W had her last final today, so I ended up taking them by myself. I did feel a bit peeved at this, because W could have darn well taken them during the day over the last couple of days. I had to really think about this one, because my old self would have just let this eat at me, allowing resentment to build up against W. And it was, until I set foot out the door to take them to the emergency room. After that, it became an adventure with daddy and the girls. They acted really good the whole time, and it let me have some focused me-and-them time. I had zero resentment against W when it was said and done. W later ended up thanking me profusely for taking them. What I really have to think about is what I just described true? Have I changed in that sense? Would this really have eaten at me? If so, then that's great - one step further into emotional maturity. If not, then... I don't know.
Tonight, we're going up to my mom's, where we'll leave the girls, and we're going to go to a nearby movie tavern (ie. movie with real food/drink). Then, we're goign to crash at my mom's and go see a movie with her and the girls on Sunday. I don't know if this is DB or anti-DB - setting up pseudo-dates with W - but, she's not going to do it, and I seriously think we need non-baby time. We'll see how it goes.
There are invariably other tidbits I could dig up from the last couple of weeks, but each time I try to think back, it feels like a backslide. I know they're still talking (100% certain), and I'm 99% sure the A is still going on. I just wish she would talk to me.
