i was the offender, and i need help

[ididit]

I am struggling in a most difficult way to get through this. My life is in total upheaval, in every imaginable way, and so is my husband's. I left my job, I'm suffering from depression, and have even attempted suicide. I've lost about 20 lbs (I only wieghed 118 when this started). DH is self employed and his business is suffering as well from his depression and inability to focus on anything other than us. My poor kids are living it with us, and have almost become immune to what's going on around them. We are trying to get through this, and every day is different. One day we are completely absorbed in one another, and the next day is horrid.
The last 4 or so years of our marriage (we have been married 11 years) have been a jerry springer episode - the kind on PPV, not regular TV. We have suffered financial disaster (at my hands) abuse (at his) infidelity (with no sex) (on my part - brought on by his abuse) and separation and more infedility(him). The separation lasted about 3.5 months, and we got back together. It was rocky, but we couldn't stay away from each other, and knew we could be better and make a difference. In December we came to a crossroads and said we needed to FIX our relationship and stop band-aiding it. We were running in place and it was not working. Time to cauterize the wound and stitch it up so it could heal. So we both came clean - over a period of a few months. It was so hard to tell each other of our offenses against one another. Me more so than him - I drug it out unnecessarily, purely driven by fear. My 'situation' happened three years ago now and i have hidden it all this time. I started seeing a therapist and didn't tell her, not even my best friend or my sister knew. i was so horrified by my own actions, I had become the thing I detested the most & i couldn't tell a soul. I have been eaten from the inside out from it, it's been like a cancer. His situation happened while we were separated (which he thinks he is absolved from becuase of that fact - we were still talking daily, telling one another we loved each other and constantly discussing getting back togehter AND still having sex) and I am devastated by what I know about him now. And So is he. We have hurt each other so badly over the years but in our hearts we know we want to be together, but just cannot seem to get past some of the blocks that go with this type of thing. We WANT this to work.
I have had my fill of the details of his affair - ad nauseum. Literally. I cannot take one more word of it - but he gives it freely, as if my pain is nothing. he says it's not that way - he wants to give it to me so he can be free of it! I mean more to him than these stories do, so he let's me have it.
But I hung on to mine to keep from hurting him the way his gory details are killing me. He keeps telling me that's not what HE needs - he needs the pain so he can bury the box and move on. I have had a HORRIBLE time letting go. NOT becuase this other person meant more to me, but sparing us both more pain does! He does not see it that way. But at this point, I have given him EVERYTHING there is to know. Everything in completion. When it started (3 years ago) and my screwed up reasoning why, how long it lasted (3 mos) how it ended (me) and all the details of what happened between us which was very limited considering the 3 month span. This was kept AT WORK - H has HORRIBLE TEMPER and has been very abusive in the past. Work was the only place anything good about myself at the time –not because of THIS person – he ‘happened’ later, but I mean in general. I felt needed and appreciated and like there. I felt like sh*t at home (not from my babies of course – you know what I mean). Anyway, after months & months of ups and downs, counseling, threats to leave, fighting, drinking and wishing for death to make it all go away, he (I thought) was finally done asking and digging. There have been times that I would describe his tactics as Chinese water torture. It has been awful. Your hair would curl if I told you all of it. But then we will have 2 or 3 good days, or a week that is just pure bliss, and then he starts digging again and tells me that there is NO WAY that something I told him is true. There HAD to be more to it than what I told him, and I'm just a lying wh*re if I say any different. Well, there is NOT more to it.
And he will just not believe me. I don't know what to do. He has been 'fixing' himself (ie, abusive behavior, sensitivity, issues, closeness, helping out with kids, just BEING AROUND), but now he is going back to being 'unfixed'. Even tho that goes against what he wants in his heart. But I am the one making this decision (that we are going to have to divorce), because last night when he started up again I just did not want to talk about it anymore. I couldn't - and why should I if he is just going to accuse me of lying anyway? it's almost like it's just not dirty enough. I want my life and my husband back. All the secrets are out - can't we move past them? I have forgiven him, I have. The pain still jumps all over me, but I push it away and don't bring it up. Bringing it up only causes MORE pain.
If you were ever here when did you finally felt like enough information (ie gory details) were given to move on?
I hope I don't get flamed here for my past mistakes, or for wanting to work this out at all costs. I know I will never be morally bankrupt again (please note I NEVER neglected my children or took any time away from them during all this - what I did took place at a job and was kept there - not that that makes anything better, I just want clarity in that I was NOT leaving them at home w/ DH while I ran around) I do not have ONE safe, unbiased outlet in my life to vent this situation to anymore. I feel very much alone when things get like they are today. This is my life and I know what I want and how it can be, because it has been that before. I hope you can sense my pain and desperation here, I DO NOT know what to do.
I am here with my kids today, as I am now a SAHM, and it is very difficult to play hide and seek 30 times in a row when I am dying inside.
To him, I have no right to bring up HIS affair because we were separated at the time, but I beg to differ. He gets mad when I bring up his abuse, but the God’s honest truth is that there is no way I would have ever lost my way if things were different at home. Not an excuse, please understand that I do not condone my behavior in ANY way. Part of me is glad I told him (for doing the honest, moral thing – FINALLY), but the way I get degraded about it every other week makes me also wish I’d never opened my mouth.
The worst part of all this is that 3 weeks ago tomorrow, we found God together. Literally – it is another post altogether – but by way of an incredible book called Wild at Heart, we found something amazing. Starting with him and then flowing into me, we truly felt like we had been a part of an awakening of some sort, a revelation meant just for us. I KNOW in my heart we were meant to wrok this out. We are SO good together – sometimes. And since this awakening – my pain is all but gone re: his affair, the abuse, ALL OF IT. I felt washed clean of it all. I thought he did too – and I think he actually was. Today he is talking about leaving again. He is not the man I found through God – he is being cold and callous and heartless. I know he is in pain, but he throws around the word Divorce like it’s a color or something completely generic. I am so scared. I have been praying all day, crying and falling apart in front of the kids (AGAIN). Yesterday at 9:30 am he was completely in love with me. All it takes is a commercial, a movie or a song, or an innocent comment from someone to throw him completely into a downward spiral. Today he said he is SO sorry that I just can’t bring myself to tell him the rest of truth, because that is all it would take to save us. Feel me here – I am begging you – I have told him EVERYTHING! Should I make up something else to tell him just to make him feel like I finally came clean with what I was holding out on? I don’t think so…that only complicates things. With him, within myself and with God. Guys I am SO scared. I am so in love with this man, and I am paralyzed with the fear of living without him. Today, (ok, well yesterday, before the Enemy took hold of his heart again) the love we were sharing was absolutely the best thing any one of us could ask for. He is THE man of my dreams. In every possible way.
I don’t know what to do next. I have at least 30 books that we have been reading together on relationships, affairs, Godly marriages, etc. he is going to come home tonight and drive me over the edge again with his questions and accusations again, and if I don’t tell him something new, he will leave. I am out words to save this. Sometimes I feel like all I’m doing is buying another day. Another day with my family intact is worth anything tho.
If you have stuck this out so far, thank you so much. Any advice is well appreciated – from either side of the fence!
Thanks
G

[RBinBR]

Try your hardest not to get emotional. Tell him you have told him the whole truth, and if won't accept it and needs to leave, that's his decision and you'll respect it. It's hard, but you have to detach emotionally and let him make his own decisions. Begging, crying, and pleading will only drive him away.

[jdd]

ididit,

Most of us on this board have been where your at, some have had even more turmoil and turned things around. So there is hope.

There is no 'one day fix it' available, even God will answer our prayers on his time and how he wants to. But there is tons of hope for your situation, read DB and DR to get started, try not to snoop or bring up relationship talks at this point.

Some people understand this sooner than others, it took me a long time! I am responsible for my happiness, not my XW, not my chidren, not a GF or anyone else. I suffered from depression and still take a small dose of anti D.

Almost 2 yrs ago my W had brought in 40 dogs to our house and back yard, CPS took the kids for a week, I put a stop to the dogs and a week later she filed to D. She had 3 affairs, was hooked on painkillers, then went to rehab, then got hooked on crack and cocaine. The house which she got in the D is now in foreclosure. We are now divorced, but she is no longer on drugs (by the grace of God), now she takes care of the children properly again and she has returned to being a nice person like the one I met years ago.

We have survived, now our glass of water is at least half full. Our kids are doing better, I am no longer sad and angry about what happened. If I start thinking about it I change my activity, NO ONE CAN DO ANYTHING ABOUT THE PAST. I have to tell myself yesterday is gone what can I accomplish today.

I am sorry to meet you this way, but put your situation in God's hands, learn more about what DBing is about and find what works for you. I am telling you there is hope, you can be happy again and you have a better chance if you are DB educated.

May God bless you and answer your prayers,

Jdd

[runningoutoftime]

I'm not an expert at this, but I think that somehow you both need to let go of the past and move forward. If that isn't possible you may need to seperate again (with the understanding that neither of you will date anyone else!!!!), start dating each other, working on becoming healthy as individuals, help each other and just become best friends. Once the relationship is healthy then move back in together. There's an interesting book I bought the other day called. "Getting Back Together." It's about separation. One of the premises in it is that separation CAN be a really healthy thing for a marriage. It should be used as a time for personal growth and healing. One thing is mentions is that oftentimes people try to get back together too quickly before enough healing has occurred.

You might want to consider something like this if things continue to be really stormy. Although I think there would need to be some strict guidelines for the separation (the no dating others being a huge one!).

Good luck to you!

[Sigh]

Hi ididit,

I read your stich. Believe it or not I can relate to exactly how you feel. In my M, we both has A's (H's was an EA and very mild, mine, PA's, not so mild).

There are a lot of things I read in here that sound like my household to a tee. For a couple of days, things are wonderful, then out of nowhere, BAM! Anger, yelling, screaming and sometimes even worse.

Sometimes it seems so hopeless. You think you are moving on, but are stuck. You are BOTH in a world of hurt, and you are trying to deal with your own pain AND his as well. My H views his A the same as yours does, he has no remorse, has never apologized, and does not regret it. He was justified in his. I was not. I try to express my feelings, I am heartless and wrong. His views are right.

I have tried to emotionally detatch from this ordeal. I try to listen when he is angry and hurt. I do not respond much. That just makes him even more angry. Now he thinks I don't care because I don't saying anything, but when I do, it just enrages him, more. I tried saying something once, boy did I regret it afterwards.

I am in the same boat. I do not know what to do. I am sorry I do not have much advice to give. All I can tell you, as others have said, there is no "quick fix". I have been here for 6 months, with no indication of getting better, but I hold on for hope that it will be and try to stay strong for my H and kids. I abandoned my H in the past, I do not plan to do that again, unless he tells me to go.

With respect to making something up to apease your H's non beleif...DON'T!!!!! That will only make things WORSE!!! You know you have told him everything. He may not beleive you, but you know you have. You can't make him beleive you.

I know the complictaed situation you are in. Do you leave for your own sanity, or stay to try to keep your family and not loose your H?

You are hurt, angry, feel abandoned. In your H's eyes, you were the one who did everything wrong. Do you have an IC? I would strongly suggest you get one just to have someone you can talk to and have listen to you.

If that is not a possibility, and you just need someone to talk to. Come here. If you would like, you can e-mail me at [e-mail].

I know what you are going through. This will probably be the toughest thing you face in your life. Hang in there, but remeber, you need to do what is best for YOU. You need to start working on YOU. My prayers are with you.

If you need anything, just write.

Take Care,

Sigh