I've read your thread this morning and have to wonder what you're doing? I don't mean to come across as harsh, but every post from you so far speaks to how you'll just accept he wants a divorce, that you can't do anything.
Almost all the DBers here have been told that their S wants a D. Almost all of us have been told that there's nothing we can do. The difference here is most of us believe it.
It seems like a big part of why the A happened was that you were not open with your H, you didn't ask him for what you needed, you weren't ACTIVE in the marriage among other things. Now that he's asked for a D you're continuing not to be ACTIVE. That's just more of the same, which is why you aren't getting a response from him.
He may very well have not seen the divorce papers and could be acting out to hurt you. Even if he is getting the papers ready, there are things you can do to make yourself better and show commitment to your marriage.
I agree with the posts earlier, C would be helpful to you. Just because he won't go doesn't mean you can't. DB is mostly about 1 person making changes for the better in the marriage, 1 person's changes affecting change in the other person.
If you really and truly want your marriage, you need to stop wallowing in your own pain and start getting solution oriented. It's going to be tough, but if it's something you want, shouldn't you give it 100%?
-Nut
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Me = 28
WAH = 26
M = 7 yrs
D final = mid-Nov '06
Hi Nut, thanks for your advise. I have been going to therapy myself of course but marriage is 2 person I need him to want to resolve our communication problem together.
As for myself I have been going for my session and I must say it is really very helpful for myself as I realise alot of hidden fears and wrong mentality about relationships I had.
What I have been doing everyday is to text my H that he is always in my mind and I will be waiting for him to heal, and when he is ready we will go counselling together.
You said that I should be more active, please advise me what actions should I do that will not push my H further. Everytime after a counselling session I realise myself better and the mistakes I learn, I text him to communicate to him. I know this is insufficient, I wanted to go home and talk to him but I am afraid if I do that he will move out of home and I won't know his new place.
Frankly I have no confident in salvaging my M, every respond from him is he wants to move on and he is really serious about ending the M.
I realise my fear of opening up to my loved ones too late, I realise that I always push my loved one away unconsciously...so many things I have learnt and realise my childhood had brought so much fear of losing my loved ones that I always push people away
H is also always very closed up, he never reveals his true identity to me nor to his mum. H always appear strong and is so difficult to get through him, his false front has caused people around him to communicate openly to him. We have a problem that I believe strongly that can be resolved with the help of professionals.
I will continue going to my own counselling and amend all my wrong views...please do give me any advises, thank you.
First off, I commend you for doing the therapy thing. It can be scary for a lot of people and the fact that you did it, and now are benefiting from it is GREAT.
Now, as far as your H goes, I think he just has to find his own way. He has a LOT of trust issues with you I think. I know your self-discovery makes you feel 100% better TODAY, and now that you know what you know, you also feel 100% sure that you will not make the same mistakes as you made in the past.
Well, he isn't likely to be so sure. In fact, it's going to take him a long time to trust these "changes" in you and I think you just have to accept that.
I do hope he does go to C with you, especially if he's not been to therapy before. I think it MAY help him process and trust what you say faster. The problem is that he may view going to C as participating in a process (saving the marriage) that he doesn't believe in right now and something for you, not him.
Please, I think you just need to give it, and him some time. It took a LONG time to get things this f-ed up, and now it will take time to un-f them up.
I think you are doing the right things and just keep it up. I would, however, suggest that you not text H so much. You don't want to seem to be pressuring him or trying to use your "discovery" as a tool in that endeavor. Your self-exploration and discovery is personal and it's benefit is best seen as action rather than heard as words or texts.
GH, thank you so much for replying and advising...what you said was so right i should not use my new discovery to exert pressure on my H. Yes i will use my actions to prove my sincerity.
At many nights I just go insane when I think about how mess up I am and how much I have destroyed my marriage that I depend on H responses so much which is wrong. I just need so much encouragement now, I feel so alone so scared.
His last text to me was "I want you to take care of yourself. I don't wanna lose my parents". I feel so helpless, I can't redeem myself...I can't do anything at all to salvage my M as well as my in-laws forgiveness
GH, you are in the same position as my H...please advise me as a man how would you trust your wife again, what would you want to do..any tips any advise will be great
Really feel so helpless and shameful...need a miracle to happen
just doing some updates...sunday after my counselling session was on my way home to collect stuff saw my H holding a girl's hand
I text him that I saw them together and describe the location and the clothes they were wearing but he deny and denied
Somehow when I saw H with girl, I am sad and relief...don't know what should i do from now...spoke to him on Monday for the first time after we seperated for a month...he sounds sad and still continuing to avoid the topic of his new girlfriend...
I am so confused why he denys, he always tell me he wants me to move on and not give our marriage a 2nd chance then why can't he just make my heart dead and let us all move on? Please advise if he is afraid now that I will contest the D and make it more complex for him?
I am so confused about this man that i have been married for 7 years...H told me not to tell people that we are D because of my A, he say he don't want people to judge me. I told him if people don't know the truth then it will reflect bad on him when he is seen with his girlfriend.
He wants to protect me want me to move on but he refuse to admit his new RS to me...why do you think he behave this way? Please help
I am so confused and in a big dilemma of what sd i do? My H has moved on and is now dating but he always deny it. Last friday I went home and i found belongings of hers in my house, I confronted him but he kept denying till I told him some of the things were locked in my wardrobe then he admit to it.
I am very puzzled by his actions, he wants me to move on but on the other hand denying that he has moved on. I can only conclude that he is afraid of the legal aspect that i will claim maintenance from him.
When we talk he told me he was very miserable and lost too but now he already has a girlfriend. He said he just want a 2nd chance in life and he don't want to continue our M anymore. What should I do? Please help...I am really lost.
Did you read Frank's post to HH? I think if you strip away some of the "manly" stuff you will find that a lot of what is being said applies well to your sitch too.
