W31, OM 20 (actually now 21!) Part III

[RBinBR]

Part I of my sitch
Part II of my sitch

Today's update

Bad: W didn't even realize today was our anniversary -- "Is today the 27th?"

Good: sensual snuggling this morning, with tickling and massage, and my kissing her neck. She actually started to say ILY but caught herself and stopped. This is the best place that we've been since she invited the OM back into her apartment a month and a half ago. I made sure that I eventually stopped it and not her.

I'll see her again this evening and post more if I can.

[RBinBR]

Well, I guess I managed to get through the day all right. I thought, after this morning, that she might spend the evening and watch a movie with me (but I didn't ask or anything), but she apparently went out somewhere (I guess with the OM, though I had gotten the idea that he was out of town, so maybe it was a friend). Anyway, she came over to watch D at 11:00pm (late, since that's when I was supposed to be at work), and I gave her an anniversary present. She unwrapped it ... and it was some odor-eaters for her stinky feet. She just about died laughing, then said she was glad that was all I had gotten her because she didn't get me anything ( gee, thanks) and gave me a big hug. I think it was the right way to handle the day, because it let her know that I was thinking about her, but it was also funny and not pressuring or guilt-inducing.

I'm still pretty bummed out, though. Happy-freakin-anniversary to me.

[superstressed]

RBinBR,

Anniversaries can be tough. Ours was in October and my H forgot too. A few days later he claimed he didn't forget he just didn't realize the date had passed. I guess I shouldn't have let my pride get in the way and just have said something on the actual day. Oh well, live and learn.

I'm new to your sitch and I must admit I'm a little lost on this "real man" thing with the makingherhappy Web site. I'm not sure I agree with the tactics but my curiosity is definitely piqued as it appears to be working for you. Is there an equivalent site for making HIM happy?

SuperStressed

[stillhangin]

Our anniversary is in November, I hope that this nitemare is over by then. In reality I don't expect it to be but I really don't want to go through an anniversary apart.

[RBinBR]

Is there an equivalent site for making HIM happy?

I don't know, as I wasn't looking for that, LOL. Actually, David Cunningham is supposedly working on a companion book for women, but he hasn't come out with it yet.

His book isn't "worth" $40 in terms of being a "book", as he repeats all his concepts several times in the book and many of the "116 pages" are mostly empty, since he has lots of sections. In a way, though, it was worth it, because I think several of his ideas are very good.

When I think about the sitches on this board, I can see several that resemble mine in that my W wasn't really upset with me about anything in our R. Of course, I can see things looking back that I did wrong, but I believe that Cunningham is right that the ILYBINILWY speech frequently means that "I'm not attracted to you anymore." Cunningham argues that most people don't realize that attraction and love are different things, and you can have one without the other.

A couple of things that I really got out of the book are:

1) Women like "naughty" men. He says that little girls really do like their pigtails pulled. They say that they don't, but it really causes attraction. Most women aren't attracted to men who are truly bad, but a playfully "naughty" attitude is very seductive. Here's a good example: I was watching a movie with W two nights ago and we were eating popcorn. I asked her to open her mouth, and I tried to toss a piece of popcorn in from a few feet away. I missed, so then I playfully threw a piece in her cleavage, she giggled, and we both ended up laughing and throwing popcorn at each other.

2) Women are attracted to leaders. If a man always defers to his wife (like I used to) in, say, choosing a restaurant, she will ultimately lose attraction for him. He isn't a challenge anymore. Women don't necessarily like making decisions all the time, and I realized that's why so many of the guys on this forum are so exceptionally "nice" -- we try so hard to please our W's that they take it for granted and lose attraction.

So when W went out to eat with D and me last week, and she asked me where I wanted to go, I didn't say "I dunno -- where do you want to go?" Instead, I said that I'd like to eat at Restaurant X or Restaurant Y, and did she have a specific preference for one or the other? No? Well then, let's eat at Restaurant X.

There's more to the book, but those were the two biggest things I got. I think most everything in the book is compatible with DB.

For those who don't want to buy the book, you can get most of his concepts from his daily emails, which are archived here.

[RBinBR]

W had come over, and W asked if I'd like to go see a movie. We were going to see United Flight 93, but because of showtimes ended up with X-men III. It was decent entertainment, and we actually held hands for part of the movie. Needless to say, I'm feeling pretty good about my sitch this morning. This is the first time we've done anything together without D4 since I kicked W out back on Jan 8.

It's odd that we haven't talked about it, by I believe that OM has now gone into the army. Not only because she asked me out, but she also gave away their dog on Friday, and I know that she made all the arrangements and did it. Since it was really OM's dog (he took it with him when she kicked him out for 9 days in April), I'm sure that he would have done it if he were still here. Ergo, he must be gone. I still don't know what that means, of course. If I had to guess, I'd say that she is going to spend some time with me and see if any sparks happen. If so, she'll plan to reconcile at that time.

[RBinBR]

Oh, and another good sign: I say a bulletin in her car last night indicating that W went to church yesterday -- and it wasn't the church that she had been attending with OM. (How she even managed to walk through the doors of a church with him blows my mind, but that's really immaterial at this point). I have a lot of respect for the church she went to, so I think that's a great sign.

[PositivelyListening]

Wow, RB, wow. I don't read your thread for a few days, and you start a new one, and start dating your W, and wow. I am really impressed with all of the positive steps you have taken particularly with detaching in the past two weeks. You really let go, and now look at these results. It seems your W is beginning to take charge of her life, which she sorely needed to do. You will need to make sure that you continue to DB and remain lovingly detached. Don't get complacent or expect anything, as I expect there may be some more ups and downs in store. But meanwhile, enjoy the ups I am very proud of you. You are giving me hope for my sitch, in the midst of H's latest dissappearing act. So thanks for that too!

[RBinBR]

Thanks, PL. There have been a couple of times in the last week where I've started to lose some of that hard-earned detachment. I've got to watch myself very carefully right now.

[RBinBR]

I believe that OM has now gone into the army

Rethinking this: I'm not sure, because W hasn't asked to have D4 spend the night at her apartment, which is something that she had really been wanting to do (and why she was originally so determined that OM get his own place, which never happened). If OM were gone, it seems that she would have asked D4 over. Hmmm....