Wow...it's been 2 whole yrs since I have first posted on this board. And I'd like to thank everyone following along, offering advice, insights, humor, or just plain reading my thread. This is the first BB I've ever participated in and I have to say that I am lucky to have found such an intelligent and warm group of people...you all are very real to me. I am not on as much and it's hard to keep up on the threads let alone process each sich and try to be of some use. I am not a fast reader or typist for that matter. I appreciate all the book info...takes me awhile to digest all the info...I seem to take bits and pieces from all the advice given here.
I know it's been said here over and over, but the main task is to have your spouse come on board...then you really can start to feel the changes. Through some differentiation, threats, counseling and perseverence I've come to understand my needs better and I keep evolving. And H has shifted in his level of cooperation, but I realize I will always be the relationship monitor and pusher for intimacy.
I have been going through some changes recently after starting to read the Peace Between The Sheets book. I realize I have been skipping over some of the EC that's a part of true lovemaking and just wanting some passionate feelings. I have unresolved resentment, anger and dislike towards my H which has prevented me from truly having a fulfilling connection. I am trying now to move beyond this by becoming more giving and relaxing more when we're in bed together. The idea from the book of not orgasming has, in a reverse psychology kind of way, revved H up. He still doesn't fully get the idea....he told me he masturbated before coming to bed to get that over with. When I told him the idea of the book is no ejaculation, he looked stunned. So I don't think we will be able to follow it, not if he's sneaking O's along the way. But we were, last night, a bit more touchy-feely and I was surprised how aroused I got. Guess I don't need the cape masks after all, and maybe the way to go is pushing through to achieve more EC where you really feel one another. As a dramatic type 4 I am still not at the place of intimacy even though we no longer have a SSM.
Anyway...happy anniv. to me...thank you all... I am still working on this.
This is the first BB I've ever participated in and I have to say that I am lucky to have found such an intelligent and warm group of people...you all are very real to me
Same here IHJ. This forum is the best.
Peace Between The Sheets......... He still doesn't fully get the idea. I think some people will always get something different from the book, interpret the words and ideas differently. I explained what little I know about the ideas posted on the SSM forum to BB and she could not see much advantage to just laying together in a missionary position (w/o penetration) other than she got a back rub.
But, then again some people say they don't want something, disagree with you but do the things any way, while others verbally agree and don't do the things you talk about.
So, who knows what your H sees, says, or does. He might not look like he is getting it but might be slowly absorbing some of the concepts that lead to more a better EC.
I am not on as much and it's hard to keep up on the threads let alone process each sich and try to be of some use. I am not a fast reader or typist for that matter. I appreciate all the book info...takes me awhile to digest all the info...I seem to take bits and pieces from all the advice given here. Big ditto on that IHJ. I don't know how some people post, read, keep threads and people organized .
Thanks for participating IHJ. I feel about like you do concerning the forum and its participatants, just a wonderful experience, point toed shoes, 2X4's, encouragements, books, explanations and all.
IHJ- which of the "Exchanges" did y'all try? I want to do this, but frankly, I dread bringing it up, because I dread that "are you still stuck on THAT?" look on his face. If you don't mind, I'd really appreciate if you'd share a bit more of what the experience was like in general... was the EC difficult to establish? did the EC linger afterward? (You're the person on the board that is most like me, I think... for better or for worse (for you, that is)... )
Lou, it is maddening that BB doesn't see the point of an O for her, doesn't see the point of ML at all, doesn't see the point of being emotionally and physically close and feeling good without an O.... doesn't see the point in general...
RE Lil "Exchanges" did y'all try? Because I did not buy or read the book, I assume exchanges are exercises with specific activities.
BB doesn't see the point of an O for her No, she doesn't see the point of trying for an "O." She said she was sexually frustrated prior to my 1981 back surgery lost the desire when I could not do much during recovery.
I will admit to working too much and not understanding the sexual desires and needs of some women due to all of the "women don't really like sex, they just do it to please their H's" / FOO and all of the just want to be held column in Ann Landers.
Another thing that did not help, I slept on the floor by the bed for a couple of months. The floor was the only place comfortable for more than an hour. Sitting was uncomfortable so I watched TV laying on the floor.
Ues, BB is still hurt bo things that happened in the 70's and 80's. I have said I did not fully understand what she was grumpy about then and I know know what I should have done. I said if she wanted to try something to bring back some feelings, I would be open to suggestions. I said I was sorry I neglected her back then.
We both spent too much money and that I felt it was up to me to keep things paid up, so I worked a lot to pay bills, not to avoid her. She say me working as a way to avoid her or as a way for me to do what I wanted to do and let her fend for herself.
doesn't see the point of ML at all Said she lost her hormones and does not feel anything sexual, but knows I burn inside with sexual energy, so she does it for me if she gets her back rubs and lots of attention before sex.
Lil, I have observed people that seem contrary, picky, say they don't like to do certain things, but they do them. I have also seen some people verbally to agree to do somethings then never do them. I guess BB is a complainer/ picky person that does somethings despite her verbal objections.
I had similar dealings when I worked in the group home. Promiser's bailed on me and complainers grudgingly did the work sometimes.
doesn't see the point of being emotionally and physically close and feeling good without an O Sometimes she does see the point as long as it is not too intense, not too often for her, does not involve much work in return. But there are also some times when I with draw, she is the pursuer. So I know some physicality / romance is important to her.
doesn't see the point in general Used to see the point but sees the aging process as barriers to many physical activities IE, "mother nature did not build older women's bodies to do that," "no hormones."
So we She was frustrated back in 1970/80's, she has no hormones, body wearing out and women past XX years are not built for much of anything physical, and we need to give up some things.
I suppose her and my extra weight also play a factor in loss of interest. BTW, I cut my carbs in half but I am not going to go for bacon grease thing.
Lil.. I haven't gotten to the " exchanges" part of the book ( Lou, like you I am supposing they are a set of exercises, and also like you, it's going to take me awhile to get through the book). I know I am craving intimacy and like others here, am not confident if I'll get to that place with H. I had a medical scare last week ( fortunately a false alarm) and I think that's fueled my desire to connect. I do feel there is an emotional block I have towards H and although we are having an active sex life, it seems like it's more about my connecting to some good feelings within myself, rather than reaching out for H. We are pushing forward together yet there remains a barrier, and the insight I've had is that barrier isn't solely coming from H...it's coming from me as well.
So last nite we both decided to try being more exploratory with each other...more touchy feely. We said we'd save ML for tonight. I decided I wanted to be a giver and really kiss him, feel him, etc...which I did and he was equally giving to me. We both got so turned on that we did end up ML( he initiated it...I would have stayed on the plan for ML tonight), and he seemed so much more comfortable and flexible ( I am usually here complaining about "same old, same old"). He commented about how we got in our Sat nite lovemaking in ( I guess so that I would know not to expect it again)and we cuddled peacefully and went to sleep. BTW, he didn't O ( that's the new variable) and either did I ( which I really don't care about).
Anyway, today was such a confusing day...I really felt disconnected from him...I did stuff with the kids and he worked...when I came home he was already back doing some yard work and I just felt "dislike" towards him. He was keeping a safe distance. We spoke a little; he took my daughter out; I had this secret urge to O ( using that fantasy brain of mine) which I did and that's where I am right now. Back to fantasy, back to being feeling oriented, back in my safe zone.
So the not O'ing by both of us last nite did not increase the EC today. Perhaps it's the intensity of the sexual experience ( and not the O factor ) that causes us to disengage from each other. He became concerned I would expect our usual sex, and I ( eventually)felt like pulling away...I think because I feel he's not getting this, that it's about connecting. He had to go for the ML, and he had to put a pre-emptive strike for tonight...back to his old ways.
Anyway, later on I am sure we will reconnect and try just the touchy-feely thing again, which is a measure of our commitment to pushing through all the resistance to make this work.
wow... you are my twin soul, for sure... I can totally relate to every part of your story...
I haven't brought up the Exchanges either... but the touchy feely without pressure seems to be the way to go (except of course at my house, there will be no erection...). It's what I call "NHK" (naked horizontal kissing).
But didn't you say he got off *before* you guys fooled around, manually? That would have a great deal to do with how he would "vibe" you the following day.
And... keep in mind... this is not a miracle drug. It does take a few weeks to kick in. Keep with it.
IHJ He commented about how we got in our Sat nite lovemaking in ... He became concerned I would expect our usual sex, and I ( eventually)felt like pulling away...I think because I feel he's not getting this, that it's about connecting).
IHJ, how about asking your H for your EC "fix"? I tell BB I need a "fix" every once in a while. I say after I get my "fix" I feel so much better.
If your H did not read the book and even if he did, to me it is not too surprising he MB before HNK or what ever you two did. I suspect he did that so he would be able to be with you and not keep thinking like he had to "O" like in the past, if that was your usual procedure. But I am a HD type guy. It is difficult to not "O", but I can do it. Especially after hearing about the book.
Hopefully, with more practice he will get it.
Sorry about putting my stuff on your thread. Someone asks a question and I spill the beans.
Anyway...happy anniv. to me...
Anyway...happy anniv, IHJ.
Lou... You are always welcome to share your stuff on my thread.
Corri... Although I really like some concepts of the book, especially the idea of " heart sex" versus " genital sex", and as much as I am ready to get off my emotional rollercoaster, I think H and I are still quite a distance from "peace between the sheets." And as much I keep stating how I want intimacy, I see that I am limited. My immediate plan is to do more of the touchy feely thing, push through my negative feelings towards H as they arise, be giving ( and receiving as well). I know that's the path to connection.
I think the thing that pissed me off was that he made his move to ML even though we both had agreed just to experiment exploring each other. And then the comment about no ML the next day ( which I wouldn't want, anyway). I guess I felt controlled...the idea was to relax and get to know each other, so to speak, but as soon as he has an erection he uses the opportunity for sex. Now that I am typing this I seem sort of hypersensitive... I know he seemed sort of proud of himself he didn't cum ( the mb thing was the day before I think)...maybe I am scared of this intimacy thing and just want to leave well enough alone. Stay in my alone place. Remain angry and resentful of H at times. Increase the touchy-feelys and decrease the drama a bit...maybe that's the best I can do.
Lil..your twin?...well when I get to write as well as you !
Feedback from H: He understands my desire to rebuild our sexual relationship from the heart and to go slow. He wanted to take advantage of the opportunity on Fri nite to ML because of all the feelings. He went on to say that it was the most fulfilling encounter we have ever had, and would trade and month's worth of sex for a session like that.
He said to save room for lottsa cuddles tonight. He is being sweet. He said he needs to keep the genitial tingles going but will not push for anything. I can tell he feels less pressure now that I have backed off from my spicy, demanding talk and am pushing the EC. I think it's a reverse psychology kind of thing...telling him we should slow down is upping his interest. We shall see.
)
Especially after hearing about the book.