I apologize. I did mis-state myself. I don't think you were throwing my D in my face. However, you HAVE been proving my point, over and over again.
Quote: AND actually, now that I think about it, you didn't exactly make Mr.Corri sound like a "bucketful of rainbows" as I recall back when you were posting about your marriage.
Okay, given that I am now in fact D, do you think that other people agreeing with me that my spouse was acting like a royal AZZ helped me climb out of my pit... or help my justify my position?
Quote: ...I mean, even if you took everything that I have posted about my marriage with a whole cup full of salt, would you personally have any interest in trading places with me?
I saw an entirely different you when you first came back. Go back and read your first post you made here upon your latest return. What would you say to yourself?
Quote: The fact that I was seemingly "happy" when I came back to the BB and then quickly became seemingly "unhappy" in short order, has more to do with the fact that I am a ridiculously wishy-washy, impressionable person than any inherent shortcomings of the BB.
This goes directly to my PMA comments. Because you ARE impressionable... you are not GUARDING your positive outlook.... and I'm going to ask you... could your current pessimism be feeding a skewed and wharped view of your M? When you first came back... wow. Now.... wow again. Opposite ends of the spectrum, but the only thing I've really seen change is your PMA.
By all means... go to the shrink. I'm a big supporter of counseling.
All I'm saying is we tend to manifest that which we project... and in my opinion... there is a lot of negativity being spouted here lately. Take some time away... gain some perspective. You've done it before. This time... do it with consious point of seeing if you start to feel any better during your time away... and how you feel when you come back and hang here for a few weeks.
Quote: Just because you see one part of our lives on this board does not mean we are constantly in "boo hoo" land.
I am not talking about all aspects of your life. I am talking only about the part of you that I DO see here, and to that is what I am addressing my comments. If you don't agree with me, fine. All I'm saying is the patterns that I am seeing here are because I DO have a different perspective.
I'm not asking anyone to walk in my shoes. As a matter of fact, I'm saying the exact opposite.
Quote: The way you are coming across is that we are looking for something that just ain't gonna happen so move on and find some "peace between the sheets."
No, that is not what I am saying. I'm saying a piss poor PMA is NOT going to help the sitch. Period. I'm saying, adjust the PMA. And given the time spent here for a lot of people... and how long it takes to write things, and how long that keeps 'negative' vibes in your conscious brain space... yeah... I worry when I see people excessively b!tch and complain.
I've never really said anything much about this before... because I understand that people need to vent, we joke, etc. I'm saying something now because, quite frankly, I do see the general, overall PMAs becoming excessively negative... and I am NOT the only one who has noticed it.
Quote: Is "Peace Between the Sheets" a book that is trying to say that the LD position is better in Marriage. I mean that most of the books on relationships are based upon trying to bring the LD "UP", versus bringing the HD "Down". I have often wondered which is the better way to go.
No, it doesn't say that at all.
Quote: I have to keep an open mind and read this book. Hey, maybe it would help me improve my "attitude".
Yeah... I really think you should, and I'd be really interested to hear what you think. It sure as heck isn't going to HURT anything.
I'm sorry if I came on here as venting and trying to upset anyone. My "venting" about my problem has helped me see things a little different. Getting advice from others here helped me in my SSM. Even if I only posted a few times. Made me wake up and see some of the things I may have been doing to make my marriage a SSM. Took the things you all had to say and used it to the best I could in my marriage. It wasn't a fix all, but it's helped. Talked a few things with my H, got a few things off our chest. And we are both willing to try hard to be more attentive towards each other. My H said he had a feeling that something was wrong, but to afraid to ask. I so was I. So, to end things on a positive note, I also got "Lucky". Really, really, "LUCKY".
What’s up? You seem frustrated, but is it the board or is something else going on? Have these “spouse bashing” posts somehow pushed an ex-H hot button? I recall your ex was very critical of you. I’m just wondering if you aren’t somehow identifying with the spouse who is being bashed. No big deal, I know you are so far above that. But every now and then you let show your frailty. That’s ok too.
As far as the negativity of the board lately…well, maybe a little bit, but I haven’t noticed it being rampant. I wasn’t here a year ago, so maybe things were more pleasant and supportive then. Was that better? Who knows. All things go in cycles, including social psychology. Euphoria and pessimism can be contagious. That is why people run with the pack. Lemmings can feel so safe, until they go over the cliff, that is. But that is ok too. As the board cycles back and forth in its collective emotion, different aspects of relationships come up for discussion. A static board would not be so interesting to me.
So right now there are some in a pity pot mode. Maybe they need to process that emotion in order to build up the anger and strength necessary to rise to the next level. Maybe the futility of sitting on the pity pot needs to become evident before they can make whatever confrontations are necessary (all except for CeMar that is). So I see this stage as a necessary part of the cycle.
I do not think being in a continual positive state is always good either. Sure we need to generate positive thinking, which helps our spouse become positive, which in turn helps to foster a cooperative team spirit, but some people can even use that to blind them to the truth. I’ve known those who are always happy, always optimistic, and therefore refuse to face the negative problems and remain stuck in their denial. This is one recipe for passive aggression, either in themselves or their family members.
So I say let the board flow. Maybe things were going too far in one direction. Now let’s see where they swing to next.
You know what I actually sort of agree with you Corri. I keep saying that I feel confused and I mean it, However, here is my "but" and it's a pretty big "but". Whatever attitude I have been projecting on this BB, the only way in which my actual behavior has changed in my marriage since I returned to the BB is that I have attempted to initiate sex on maybe a half-dozen occasions with quite mixed results in terms of the reaction I have received from my H. The deal I had made with myself while I was off the BB to never initiate sex was really a pretty lame deal which though it did lead to some personal growth on my part was unlikely to be one I could live with indefinitely. I mean maybe the BB has swayed me in a negative direction but I was having to read books like "The Consolations of Philosophy" in order to keep myself positive enough to cope with the lame deal I had made for myself. I would say real happiness for me lies somewhere in between the two extremes. My issues with sexuality in my marriage are not limited to the issue of frequency. I need to feel a certain freedom to express myself sexually by initiating sex or just talking about my sexual desires without being shut out or shut down by my H. It would be a heck of a lot easier for me to actually be accepting of his LD without feeling repressed if he could be a bit more accepting of my HD without feeling threatened. I didn't threaten to move out because he rejected my recent attempts at initiation. I didn't even cry or get angry or invade his physical space. He got angry and threatened to move out simply because I did initiate sex. I told him that was his decision. He suggested marital counseling as an alternative and I agreed. I mean,I certainly do b*tch and moan and overthink and drive other members of the BB nutz at times but my purpose in doing so is to work my way back into a mental state in which I can take actions that are positive without being irrationally optimistic.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I believe this place is to vent and vent on vaious subjects. (SSM, Seperated, ect.) I think Corri just saw some unison venting (4 part Harmony venting with a loud bass) and decided to give pick up the fiddle and lighten the toon. Maybe for herself maybe for you all.
So if you all ain't happy by the end of the day do pushups and give yourself something to be upset about besides what you are upset about. Kinda like the opening of the movie Major Pain.
Drink water before the pushups and stretch afterwards.
"All I want is a weeks pay for a day's work" Steve Martin
What’s up? You seem frustrated, but is it the board or is something else going on? Have these “spouse bashing” posts somehow pushed an ex-H hot button? I recall your ex was very critical of you. I’m just wondering if you aren’t somehow identifying with the spouse who is being bashed. No big deal, I know you are so far above that. But every now and then you let show your frailty. That’s ok too.
No, I don't think I'm I.D.ing with bashed spouses...
Just offering a POV. Perhaps I should not have brought it up. Not my area any more.
